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july hearne May 2017
celine wrote some thick books
'Death On The Installment Plan'
'Journey To The End Of Night'
my plan was to read them but i never did

i got as far as the titles
then got stuck

they've been packed away in boxes
for the past 5 years,
i had no need to unpack them

maybe if they had been  thinner

what can i do
what can i do
i just don't want to
i just don't want to

everyday i feel so unheld
together

life after life
maybe there will be a part two, a part three, and so on
july hearne May 2017
it was almost two months ago
my new job was going terribly

i had two managers
one was either a compulsive liar or losing her memory
to dementia or early alzheimers
the other one was a typical single, white, overweight woman
who enjoyed flying into fits of rage and preaching about white privilege
when she wasn’t giving angry lectures about how howard schulz’s wife
had nannies to help her raise her children

she didn’t like me
so i just quit, with no notice other than an email
saying i was resigning effective the time stamp of that email

two weeks before i quit, i had the saddest dream
about some guy i had a mental breakdown over ten years ago
i haven’t talked to him since some sad
emails in 2010, he never responded to my last email
i’de been looking him up online lately but retrieving no matches
because his name is so common and it’s been so long

in my dream he texted me or emailed me
magically, he had gotten my phone number
or one of the email addresses i use now
he wrote that he would be in my town
and asked if we could meet

i was really looking forward to it in the dream
i was getting ready, hair, make-up, clothes
i realized my dress had a ketchup stain on it
towards the end of that part of the dream

i don’t think my hair or makeup or face or body looked good
i looked like i look
ten years older and haven’t kept up or maintained anything
not that i looked good ten years ago, but i look a lot worse now
i sort of realized that when i saw the ketchup stain

then it occured to me that he never responded when
i either emailed or texted him back:
“yes, yes, let’s meet again”
there i was, excited, getting ready,
vacuuming a car I haven’t driven in years
i just wanted everything i wanted back

i thought we were going to meet that weekend
but then he emailed me saying
no, he wouldn’t be in town until the 22nd

march 22nd was on a wednesday this year
so i would have just been working late
and getting a bad review for anything i did

i quit my job on tuesday, march 21st, after a hard day of doing nothing
since then, i’ve drank a lot of wine, gotten ******, and smoked cigarettes.

i also found his mom’s facebook page
and his.

his is set to mostly private, but his mom had posted
some recent pictures of him and his girlfriend

he looked weak and unhappy in the eyes.
july hearne Nov 2016
as in no way in
as in no way out
i've gone missing on the inside

don't think first glimmer is going to meet me in the morning
it's not something to count on when it rains this hard
and sad ladies look through missed windows
and you're one of all the good things
walking past

i'de like to be going wherever it is you are going
any of those times you are walking past
harder advice coming in my misdirection
too much wine Sunday
hangover Monday
fired by Friday
day won't come for a day like love

don't knock now,
there's nobody here by your name
waited too long for just in time
but it was just a time that never came

don't think first glimmer's going to meet me in the morning,
don't even think i could shoulder the dove
so much for love, love, love
a day like love
july hearne Jul 2016
i.



seller names the price
your backyard full of kids
whose moms got them their jobs at  amazon

hello future
in my backyard
i worked hard
so i wouldn't be able to afford
what i had when i thought i had nothing

time hasn't caught up with the kids yet,
it's going to be a long time
i pay for that, try to save money, but pay
for the kids
in the back yard


ii.

i can change
i can change
i can change

you can't change
you can't change
you can't change

you loved her
you hate her
you have a big problem

who looks too much like you
you look too much like you too

looking like a man your age
with a fetlife profile

you loved her
you hate her
she was ungrateful for your love
selfish not to want your love
didn't have the common decency not to love
who she did love
he wasn't you,

i am grateful to be without your love
july hearne May 2016
joyce smokes cigarettes
she pays  around $8.50 a pack
but never has any money for food
after being poor, then still poor,
then poor again

love in the inbetween
dead to poor again
that's the order,

in this instance
there is no food in the house
just a trailer in her backyard
too close to a far away place
where her granddaughter does not feel safe
i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change i can change
july hearne Apr 2016
before i left seattle, and long before i made the mistake of returning,
i was babysitting a fish in a fishbowl,
for my brother's kids.

the water in the bowl was cloudy,
unclear, *****, because of the fish
so of course the fish died,
the bowl just sat on the counter after the fish died
but before my brother's kids came back from california

anyhow, moving back here was a mistake.
the cost of living here is ridiculous,
there is no room to be a middle class person here

only  a little kid who works at amazon
whose mom found him his job.

these little kids work for amazon,
their moms type out cover letters and resumes
so their kids can get jobs at amazon

i am looking for a new job because i can't afford to keep the job i have now,

the little kids who work for amazon have it pretty good though,
they can bring their dogs to work with them
they can jack up the rents, no problem

mom is always looking out for them like that

tonight i applied for a job at amazon
i typed in my first name to submit my application
"jeffbezosisacunt", i wrote a quick cover letter
telling them i was qualified for the job because
my mom didn't have to type out my cover letters for me
and because i had a dog that hadn't been trained yet
that i could take to work with me, then i attached a pdf file of a quick reference guide for aol 9.0 as my resume

it felt good
but not for long and not good enough

mark zuckerberg makes me sick too,
i can just see him running for president one day,
needing a good slapping
the little **** has never known any form of adversity
so he just keeps on being a little ****,
he has a lot in common with kim jong un

when i first moved back here, there were all these orange and white umbrellas every morning. those orange and white umbrellas had already taken over.
july hearne Feb 2016
everything since marijuana,
everything since you
everything ever since common sense


left my heart in north korea
i hear things
when i

roll around in glass
just no better to place to go
than hot demeaning insanity

there is this
drug with no pretty on the inside
and no better place to go
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