this life is a fraud
people lie all the time
they live that way, too
18 was supposed to be
much more than this
at least that’s what
they told me.
yet here I am,
lonely.

If I killed myself tonight,
Would this stabbing pain inside my soul go away?
Would you have regrets?
Would you want to be close to me?
If I died, would you want to be away from me?
Then why do you say these things that make me cry...
You love me, but then why does it hurt
You hurt me
And I’m not going to end it
But I wish something would change

Something has to change.

I wish a had a friend
Someone kind and silly
Innocent yet troublesome
Beautiful, unknowingly so
I wish I had someone to giggle with
To be like a sister
To be a listening ear
Without judgement
Without jealousy
Just a friend.

I find solace in being busy
Once I find the quiet
It’s like Tyler said, it’s violent
I fill my life with noise
To drown out the voice in my head
What ugliness lies between the silence?
Do I want to find out?

I’m spiraling,
Stuck in the void,
Flushed,
At the end of the universe,
Drifting dark,
Still,
Terrified,
Cold,
Guilty,
Alone,
Then a voice snaps me back
To the light...
But I am blind.

I think I’m cool...
Some say I’m golden
But I really feel invisible.
I give,
But it feels more like it’s taken from me.
I need someone to see me,
Really see me.
See me for who I am,
My quirks,
My likes,
My favorite song and the way I dance when no one is looking.
Those closest to me feel “close enough”
So I need someone to cross the line
And become closest to me.
Once I’m warmed by them,
I might feel golden.