Perhaps I’m insane,
It wouldn’t be the first time someone would think that,
He thinks that I am,,
Cat lady in training

But little does he know,

I have a secret,
A light hidden,
Yes, hidden in my soul.

There, words flow freely,
It’s deeper than anything that he could comprehend,
Couldn’t even wrap his head around it,

His soul is new and naive,
Mine is antique,
Wiser,
Stronger,

He is muscular
Physically stronger,
I am feminine,
Softer,
but yet I am still 3 times the man he is inside.

So walk along boy,
Boy,
thats what you are,
Because a real man would see this light,
This gift.
See my worth.

Shoo fly,
Go on back to your cavalcade of short skirted, high heeled kittens,
Where looks alone makes your world go round.

Your soul will always just be on the surface....

People wonder how I can let go of someone I love so much, with such ease.
Well, I helped repair his wings so why wouldn't I want him to fly?

Some things never change
You never have
Even after I'm long gone
You're still crying about how the next girl never understands
How the next one can't seem to appreciate that you're her man
Well excuse me while roll my eyes
Excuse me while I laugh at how you're never satisfied
Delusions, illusions, confusion
Whining that your kingdom made of sand melts whenever the tide comes in
That costume crown you wear must make you blind
I guess you didn't learn last time
Blindly demanding respect that you didn't earn
****, some little boys just never learn

Now if you ever read this you would say that I'm just bitter
But in all honesty, I feel like a winner.

I have looked into your eyes once, but I will never forget it.
When I looked into your eyes, I saw something amazing shining from within.
Something stirred inside of me and a feeling of sweet restlessness washed over me.
No one has ever moved so much with one glance.
Your ice-blue gaze rekindled my belief that there is pure beauty in this world.
A beauty untainted by the hands of time and the unfortunate circumstances created by man.
There is something deep inside of you that is breathtaking




KP

You're safe
Locked up in your safe
No one knowing the combination but you
Feelings in safe deposit boxes
Padlocked just to make sure

I tried to sneak in the dead of night
Hoping to find a crack
But I never was good with subtleties
I attempted to hold you hostage
But you never even bothered to ask about a ransom
I even tried to blow you up with dynamite
But only lost pieces of myself

You're safe now
Locked up in your safe
Safe from burglars in the dead of night
Safe from being held at gunpoint
Safe from being in a war zone
No one knows your combination
Or has the keys to your padlocks

I hope that she has a wrecking ball
Smashing open your steel door before you even see it coming
I hope that she has a stethoscope
Pressing her ear against your chest as you hold her close
Each beat of heart is a click closer to cracking the code without you even knowing

I hope that she frees you from yourself because I sure as hell couldn't

We fall for the ones who never seem to love us in return
But they need the medicine that we ooze
The broken-winged birds linger above as we try to find our own way
Waiting to be mended with our heart power
We are the healers

Here I sit again
Pondering the mess that we were
Thinking of you
How I was so **** sure
That I could change you
That I could make it better
Then I learned that not everything we believe turns out true
I’m still bruised
And piece by piece I am being reassembled
But it’s hard to do when it’s so cold
Out on the curb where you  threw my heart
The snow piled on top
My hands numb from picking up the pieces
Stuck in your world

I’m tired of your Bronx winter
Never seeing the sun
That melts away the snow
Never seeing the illuminating stars
That help me find my way
The cold blurs my vision
Freezing the tears in my eyes
Your winter is that sad song on repeat
That I can’t seem to get off my mind

People walked past me
Pretending not to see a thing
Stepping on pieces of what we were supposed to be
Stuck to the bottom of their shoes
Even though it tugs at my heart strings
I let us go
Out into the city streets
Amongst the careless litter
Forgotten under your snow
Just another one of your lost things
In your winter so bitter

As I ran off into the distance
The clouds blew away
The sun started shining
As the snow melted away
I realized
I’m my own sun
and I’m going to shine all year long
I don’t want to be forgotten under your snow
Or left out in the cold
That is your winter
Not mine
and maybe one day
You’ll find your sun too
I really hope that you do

Tonight I miss the Bronx,
I want to feel the cold east wind on my face
And have him pull my cold hand into his jacket pocket
That was my home,
He was my home
I want to hear the screeching of the halting 2 train  in distnace as he slides between my legs

I am an enigma that never stops moving
I dare anyone to attempt to catch me
I may light up the sky like a firefly
But I soar like a butterfly just a pretty as you please
Like Peter Pan on his best day
Happy thoughts pumping through his veins
I am unstoppable

                                   Except when they fight...

When she cries
And he throws things
King Kong comes to the suburbs
In the loft upstairs

                    Their voices rise above all of my walls
                    Their anger piercing through any of my defenses

So I sit still
Hoping that the tornado will pass me by
I sit still
Wishing to be a table
Or perhaps that overstuffed chair that nobody likes
Maybe the unsuspecting bedside table that knows all of your secrets but would never tell

                             Maybe if I just sit still for a little while I won't exist...

I feel ******* invisible
Being in your past

But I can't even scream out how I feel because I'm not even supposed to miss you
To everyone around me,
You are public enemy number one
The villain who left scars
Who used me as emotional target practice

You ripped me up into pieces
To use me as fuel for your fire
For your ego

Why the hell would I miss you?

Underneath the floorboards of the ruins of the house that we built
Are the metaphorical polaroids of my secret
The fact that I almost lost my life just to escape
Because playing house with you is fatal
Making eggs and bacon for my own personal dementor
Because playing house with you is playing Russian Roulette alone
as you are too busy being the gun

And as I was hanging by the last apron string
You grew weary of the decor
But didn't bother to give your 30 days notice

This house is nothing but broken glass and ashes now
But I visit when no one is looking
Finding a broken reflection

Now you've built a house with someone new
And this house doesn't even exist to you.

I ask
I dreamed
             I wished,
                 But it has never come to be.
                     In my head I can see
                        The slow dance that seems like it will never be

                              He's held me in his arms
                                 Laid his head on my chest
                                     But never has he offered me a slow dance
                                         Well at least not yet

                                             I am not especially romantic
                                                Never expecting fine gifts or flowers
                                                  I would much rather sit and laugh with him for hours

                                                       But this one little thing
                                                          S­o simple
                                                          ­  It does not require a ring
                                                            ­  Or a single grandeur gesture
                                                         ­        No music
                                                           ­         Or candles
                                                         ­             
                                                                ­      If he knew how much it meant to me
                                                              ­           Would he still not do it?
                                                             ­               All I want is one slow dance
                                                           ­                    As I put my whole world in his hands.

Little boy loses his way,
Tossed aside instead of asking what's wrong.
Locked away
Little boy thrown into the arena
Expected to be a gladiator,
But with no crowd there to cheer him on
Or even to openly mourn his circumstances
Left to the lions.

Little boy lost his way,
Locked in a tiny cage like the lion
Wondering if he was an animal or a man
Little boy could not reach for the stars through the steel perforated door
In the world where everything echoed,
Even his demons.
Little boy forgot how to laugh

But then one day,
Little boy grew
Thrived even without being given the proper nutrients,
Proper sunlight.
Even without the proper space,
His roots grew strong
Despite the efforts of his captors.

Little boy grew into a man,
One who will hold my hand on visiting days,
Steal a kiss when the guards aren't looking.
Who laughs and smiles,
Telling me how beautiful I am despite how much the world has reminded  him of his own imperfections.
Who has hope for the future
Despite being told that he was no one.

I fell in love with the little boy who forgot about love and found it again with unjaded eyes, as a solitary man.

He wrote of the scars he gave her
Despite the fact that they have never met
He never spoke of the scars he left on me,
Still saying that it was my fault.
The night he drunkenly kissed me and then called me her name
He never talks about that night
Just laughs it off

He drank over losing her,
He cried over her,
As he played their song on loop.

                                                  But me,
                                                          I am his dispensable second prize pony

Do you think if he knew how bad it was, he would hold me closer?

If he knew about laying on the bathroom floor,
So angry that I could not speak
So bitter that my blood turned to venom
So broken that I was not a being anymore

I could not even escape it in my sleep.
Waking up in tears
Like a soldier dreaming of the battlefield

The  battlefield was inside me
My enemy,
The shadows that resembled him
There were no bombs
Just whispers that wrapped around my neck
"You.
Are.
Nothing."

                                      ­                                He left me alone.

As I laid on that arctic bathroom floor,
He was planning a life with her
I was the suicidal skeleton in his closet

                                                         ­             He left me alone..

At the lowest point of me
Among dreams of flights off of roofs without an umbrella

                                                       ­             He left me alone...

Now he says that he loves me
And wants me to smile as if nothing ever happened
His second stepford wife

A little piece of me is still on that bathroom floor
Looking up at me
Like a gruesome funhouse mirror

But he doesn't see them
He doesn't want to
I want to scream,
                                "Look
                                       at
                                         them!"

Mere acknowledgement like penicillin
Antibiotics eating the gangrenous, festering wounds he left

Maybe if I looked like her,
Spoke like her
He would see
                                           But alas, I will only ever be me...


                Do you think if he knew how bad it was, he would hold me closer?

Let me out of here
Caught in this vicious cycle                                             I'm stuck in this loop
I cry                                                              ­                       I scream
I try to scare the monster away                                        Raging in the darkness
I tell it that I love it                                                             I tell it that I hate it
But it does not falter                                                           It only gets stronger
Maybe there's a trick to this                                             A simple slight of hand
Like a card trick                                                            ­   Or a rabbit from a hat
                                      Where's the trap door?
                                       The show is over
                                       I want to go home

To the Person Who Can’t Hear This,

In my room, half-clothed, wondering where the **** to go. I look out the window to see a promising sunset, supposed to remind me that I made through another day. Another day that you’re not here. Everyone tells me that I’ve gone on to a better place as if I’ve passed on to another plane of existence, no longer in the same world as you. Was leaving you supposed to set me free or did it just bury me? The bulletproof glass of being too late is where I broke my bones trying not to be the unloved undead. It will….not…shatter…But I do. The crimson, metallic liquid pouring out of my wounds taking form as all the words that you ever said. While the enveloping venom is all that you didn’t. No matter how much I scream you see nothing as this glass is a two-way mirror. All you see when you look my way is how ******* good you that you look today. You know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. But no one ever told me about being out of your world and being driven out of my mind.

I never had to search for you,
Yet here you are
Flying in like a cool breeze against my skin
Presence like the sun
Warmth with me wherever I go

I don't need to ask the gods
Wish on any stars,
Or hide any bruises

You are no fairy tale
No picturesque idea of romance
Worthy of some magazine cover
Or a Hallmark card

You are better

You are openly flawed
Beautifully wounded
With a past that winds like a mountain road
Scars beneath your armor
Yet holding me with such care
Never giving up on the beauty in this world


You are love

If only he knew that his time is running out
Do you think he would use softer words and hold me closer
If he knew?
If he was aware that soon it will be like I never existed?

I am the sand slipping through his careless fingers
Dissolving back into the earth
Grain by grain
Soon I will be nowhere to be found
And all he can do is call out into the endless night to seek me out
But there will be no reply.

Waking up to the open sky
You’re the whispering scream in my atmosphere
Your laughter echoing infinitely it seems
The star that’s out of my reach
But I wish on it anyways
I’m my own star
With a light of my own
But I used to be a part of something bigger,
Something greater than myself
Two energies entwined shining bright
You and I
We weren’t just anything


Supernova
We outshined our galaxy
Exploding like we meant it
Feeling heat like the sun
Scarred and burned from our own fire
On your back
On my soul
Shattered across the universe
Into a million immortal pieces
We aren’t going to fade out so quick

You say that the orbit,
The round and round,
It was all just my game

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Fool me three times...
Then I must be deaf, dumb, and blind.

                    "He's the one"
                                  "Oh no, HE'S the one"
                                                "Maybe this one really is the one!"
                                                           ­                 "Nevermind..."

In the blur of the East Coast early morning,
Not even bothering to put on my glasses
I have to get out these words
In a world of a trillion chances
This union would never endure
In a universe of infinite forgiveness
This love would shrivel up and die

As you sit across the couch
Frost chips on your shoulder
Quieter than  the north woods at dawn
The usually calming silence stabs at me
As if you are doing it on purpose
Oh wait,
You are.

Turned a cheek
But not in forgiveness
Just to maim a bit

Now I flounder in my temporary non-existence
Searching for the proper  weapon to shatter the chaotic, scarring silence,

This is a quiet war

Past all the darkness and rain was the person I lost.
Now that I have been through it all,
I recaptured what I once lost,
and I am one step closer to freedom

My eyes are open,
My heart back in its rightful place,
Not waiting for anyone’s approval,
Living from moment to moment,
Looking for that wide open space

For a little while,
I forgot who I was,
Not knowing the power I had inside,
But it’s never too late,
To grab it,
To take it,
Pushing the cold world aside,

I loved,
Perhaps I lost,
But I found myself amongst it all,
I can breathe again,
I’m not afraid anymore,
Holding my head up,
Standing tall

Ever since I immersed from the womb,
I swam against the tide,
Never learning the easy way

People around me have always wondered,
‘What creature is this?’
‘Why does she stand alone?’

Sometimes my arms get tired,
And my legs grow weak,
The smooth sailing ships often stop,
With its jovial passengers,
Offering me a spot in their carefree crew,
To join them as they let the vast, mighty sea determine their destination,
Never having to give it a second thought,
But never do I give in

As they would dance jovially in their uniform way,
I would be off-beat,
Hearing my own song,
The one inside


I would much rather be alone,
Dancing through life the same as I always do,
Intrinsically.

You write about offering a simple and pure form of yourself. It was meant to be like that. We weren’t ready for each other before now. There is no coincidence in the fact that we met right when I was re-building my life and you are at your best inner-self but yet we both started down a similar spiritual path. That glowing simplicity shines through so clearly and I treasure it. What you are and have to offer from within is worth more than any material item. So many people in this world hide behind their things. Deriving self-value from it, but you really don’t have that option and in a strange way, I am grateful for it. In that I have the opportunity to get to know you in this form, before you go out into the world and feel its many pressures. All of your past mistakes are beautiful because they are a part of who you have become. I love your cracked pieces just as much as any pristine ones, if not more.  Sometimes I fear that you will take stock of all my complexities and realize that you just cannot. It’s a bit hypocritical isn’t it? To accept you as you are, but not expect you to do so in return. You are seeing me as I am rising from the ashes to become a higher form of myself. My vulnerable spots are not hidden away by armor or skin calloused from battle. We are both in a place where hiding just doesn’t seem like an option.  Just are who we are. I do want you to know, that even if you were not getting out soon, I would still stick with you. You’re beyond worth it.

I count the days,
The months that we have been apart
I dream of the moments when time stopped
When you kissed me,
As I awoke in the middle of the night
Sensing the comfort of your presence,
But you were not there.

We write love poems,
We swear that we mean it,
Swear on the moon
The stars
The great beyond

I wrote you love poems
I swear that I meant them
But not now.
Not in this moment,
When that once hopeful glow around my heart
Turns to hopelessness
To memories of injury...again

The monsters that possess your tongue taint me
The scars are now too great in number
The heaviness of your shadow bears down as if it were my own shame
But it is your's

I swear  that I meant those love poems,
Every word

But oh how easily  words can fly away with the winds of our pasts...

You were the sunrise,
Luckily I still have the light of the moon.
You were the supposed center of my universe,
But yet you gave me no hope, no warmth?  
I am content under the moon and stars,
So subtle,
Away from the forward rays that you display.
At night,
when the wolves howl and the owls screech,
I look up in my sky and find that you are nowhere to be found…
I smile.

You are my true love
No matter what path you take
No matter who you lay next to at night
No matter who you have children with
No matter who you watch walking down the aisle dressed in white
I will love you the same

Without conditions
More than the stars in our vast Universe
Unfathomably so

True love is not about being the only partner they ever have
It is not about labels of romantic or platonic
It is not devoting your whole life to someone no matter how they treat you
True love is between two souls who want nothing but the best for the other and loving one another so much that they allow each other to fly
No matter what direction the wind takes them
Even if it is away
Yet still loving them the same

True love is not abusive
It is not vindictive
It is not jealous
It is not holding on with white knuckles because you're scared that you'll lose them
There is no need to hold on because true love is an indestructible thread that binds us together far past the sight of man

So I will find the comfort of others arms
And follow my own path with great joy
But never love you any less then I do now

Souls never forget

This is how I love you, truly

Heart soon to stop,
Taking precious breaths,
On borrowed time,
They’re standing over my bed,
Asking for a last request
No last rites
No words of wisdom.

All I want to say,
Is that I just want you to take me home,
Sweep me away in my last hours,
To where we began,
Family has been there my whole life,
But there will never be enough time with you it seems.

Wrap yourself around me,
Call me baby,
My little paw in yours,
Make me dream the way you used to,
With a sparkle in my eye,
Make believe that I will live forever,
Like a character in one of your stories.

A kiss on the nose,
Just hold me when it’s time drift away,
Telling me ‘mucho, mucho, mucho’,
Whispering to me that everything is going to be okay.

Just take me home,
Which is anywhere you are.

People come and go,
It's just the facts of life,
But when I found you,
It cut down my defenses like a knife,

I never knew that anyone,
Anyone could be so smooth
As to slip past all of my guards,
Still wanting me still too
Love never came easy to me,
Never staying in one place

But you,

You've got a hold on me,
But I never said it would be easy,
I never claimed I would be perfect

Like a wounded animal,
Something deep in me wants to hide,
It has nothing to do with my love for you,
It's the struggle I have inside

With a gentle hand,
You've picked up the wounded me,
Nursing it back to health,
Not ever letting it be,

Slowly making me believe that I can be loved,
But now and then the frightened wounded me,
Calls out to struggle free,
Telling me that I'm not worth loving,
And to just let you be.

Every day, I come closer,
Closer to you,
Even though you are miles away,
Sitting here,
Sitting here is all that I need,
As long as I am thinking of you.

I don’t want to want you,
I don’t want to need you,
But you love me for me,
And that’s hard to come by.

I had always thought that my heart was cold,
As cold as ice,
But you took this heart,
And made it whole.
The puzzle has been solved,
I am complete.

I don’t want to want you,
I don’t want to need you,
But you love me for me,
And that’s hard to come by.

My daddy wasn’t good to me,
My mama always cries,
Stuck in the middle,
You found me,
Just in time.

I don’t want to want you,
I don’t want to need you,
But you love me for me,
And that’s hard to come by.

Once in a while I miss you
Just now and then
When the planets are in funny positions
So goes my common sense
Late at night when no one else is around
You are on my mind
I ponder all of the good times that we had

But then,
The Universe steps in and reminds me
Reminds me of the nights spent crying behind the bathroom door
Or the shreds of my artwork spread out on the floor as you slept it off near by
About all of the times you told me that  I was stupid
When you hit me then told me it was my fault

It is funny how time and our minds play tricks on us so that we almost forget all of the bad things.

Sometimes I wish that my sleep was eternal
So I wouldn't have to face him tomorrow
So his sharpened tongue could no longer slice against my back

Sometimes I believe that only death can break these chains
Or maybe a nice padded room that his words couldn't penetrate
Because I cannot do this on my own

So I write my secret poems
In this little corner
A mere whisper

Someone help me
I'm drowning

Laying in his bed, looking up at the ceiling,
Wondering,
Pondering,
Asking yourself if this love is real,
Perhaps you are merely a lifeboat,
The one  that saved him from drowning himself in heartbreak,

You brought him back to life,
Making him whole again,
Or so you thought

Doubt is an ugly creature,
Insecurity is his destructive sibling,
You love,
But does he?

So many nights you lay awake,
Attempting to make sense of it all,
Trying to find a sure answer,
But no such thing ever comes.

After all the arguments,
When his words strike you down,
Like lightning in some massive storm,
You learn to keep such pain to yourself,
Fearing that you will anger him once again,
As he sits on his throne,
Talking of boredom,
You try to be the court jester,
So that his fickle love does not leave once again

He does not hear...

I’ve written a lot of words about this love,
Written a song or two,
I gave everything and then some,
All for you,
Now I stand where I started
Back to square one,
I am not whole-hearted,
But when was I ever?
I thought I was made for you,
Now I don’t feel so clever,
In my own imperfect way,
I guess things are never what they seem,
I know now that it’s not okay to stay,

I was stubborn,
I dared to dream,
Of a love without sorrow,
Without angst,
Without tear-filled eyes,
Ah well, there is always tomorrow...

When I knew you,
You could do anything
I sat at your feet like a small child in awe
Looking up at  you with eyes opened widely
You were magical.

I lost you along the way
And I just heard your voice on the phone for the first time in a while,
I don't hear the magic anymore.

The passion is gone
Perhaps it is hidden behind clouds of smoke,
Under the *** bottles your cousin brings.
Behind your brother's hospital bed
Masked by the beep of the monitors
Or the screech of the halting 2 train.

I wish that you would promise that you won't waste away,
That you won't waste the powers bestowed upon you by the gods
But you would never.

You were my immortal,
My Ambrose.

Do you ever reach out in the stillness of a Southern California night?
As the tide pulls away from the shore, do you ever wonder if this all turned out right?
Hidden behind steel doors and paper, you once told me that you don't believe in regrets
Perhaps it's just easy for you to forget
I can see the glow of Mother Moon on the waves in your eyes
The parts of you that could never lie
Even in the moment when you made promises with unspoken exceptions
Glass between us, not able to look you in the eye when I realized that we were each other's reflection

In the air that rushes against your face
Amongst the earth beneath your feet
Immersed in the water that you become weightless in,
Hidden in the fire that you find within
Is where I will be found
There is no end for us in sight
This much is clear
It's elemental, my dear

The only secret from you that I ever kept
You are the colors of the galaxy on the back of my neck
Forever asking if you can hear the story of us again and again
Never having to fearfully wait for this all to end
For the bright fiery masses to fall from the sky
As they are enclosed safely behind our eyes
Most people are afraid to let go
But there is a secret that they don't know
Love is infinite, forever on-going
This is why I let you fly
Because I know that when it comes to you there is no such thing as good-bye

Let me fly,
But don’t lose hope,
Let me fly,
But don’t let go

My place is above the world,
Where I can be free as a bird,
Figuring out what goes on in this soul of mine,
Pondering that I am like no one else that I know,
I retreat to the skies,

We all have to go home sometime.

I have been in the world with you,
Not even noticing the time,
Not even glancing up at the sky,
Forgetting for a moment that I am an enigma,
A puzzle in a motion

You’ve done what no one else could,
Keeping a wild wolf by your side,
But every wolf has to wander on it’s own
Howling to the moon and stars,
Finding it’s center,
But always coming back home

Listen for my howls in the distance,
Letting you know that I’m okay,
Telling you that I love you,
Even though I stay away

Let me run,
But don’t lose hope,
Let me wander,
But don’t let go,

You may be physically stronger than me,
Perhaps you are saner than me,
Maybe even more honest than me,
But you accuse me of never being as exceptional as you are,
Never quite reaching your level of greatness.

You speak of your greatness,
As a poet,
Attempting to weave words,
Rhyme them,
Bend them to your will,
Trying to mirror what you see on TV,
Writing about blow jobs, *****, and benjamins,
You insist that you’re so deep,
When the deepest I’ve ever seen you go was inside of me.

You speak of your greatness,
As a man,
Boasting of how handsome you are,
Pointing out my ****** flaws,
But when you really look at yourself in the mirror,
You hate what you see,
You slapped me around,
Then say it’s my fault,
My stupidity.

I hate to be the one to tell you this,
As I was always told a real woman was supposed to build up a man,
I never want to be the killer of dreams,
But you don’t weave words,
You don’t bend them to your will,
They circle around you,
Too fast for you to catch,
You don’t have any benjamins,
Just some 20’s from your mother.
The only depth you’ll find in your soul is being ankle deep in *******.

I am far from perfect body and mind,
But I can bend words,
Weave them into things you could never imagine,
They flow from my pen,
From the sway of my hips,
Rolling off my tongue,
Oozing from my pores
Without even noticing,
I make poetry.


You are no poet,
And you sure are not a man