Cracks in my character
Lined with silk
Lovers touch
Like a sharpened blade
Gliding smoothly
Only painful when removed
I'm a story book of unfortunate events and cliches
And the morbidly curious find their way
Into my arms
A comforting fear
A lion taming circus

I'm not sure anymore if this gun
Is still loaded with flowers

But you
Hold me so tight
Squeeze out the anxiety
Catch it
Make me a balloon animal with its breath

Taking off my socks
Is my favorite part
Of taking a shower
Or having *** with someone else
We always used to wear ours when we felt vulnerable
But the memories of you scattered throughout my room
Make me feel vulnerable all the time
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Or more accurately my ankle
I procrastinate spending time with you
Like I procrastinate all of the good things
That may eventually cause me pain
I'm afraid to be happy
To the point of appreciating the loss of the cause
When I'm with you
It's like the city of Ember
And someone turned on all the lights
It's not quite beautiful
But at least we can see

Like a tree crossing a stream
Once standing so tall
But searching for another shore
Only finding it
After breaking

Loving me
Is like a funhouse
After the maze and work
There is merely
A blurred image of yourself

A heavy heart can't drive very fast
And with no destination
I spent my night crawling around side streets
Looking for an excuse to be anywhere
Other than in my own company
Being an introvert does not mean you must prescribe yourself loneliness
But loneliness is the cheap old couch that I just can't sell
Loneliness is the memories-for-decoration that my home is littered with
Loneliness is my own presence not taking up enough space
To fill anything except my bed
Being alone was once a comfort
But now it swallows me whole
Spits me out onto garden city streets
To drive  until I am too tired to steer
Not look as I pass the train tracks to get home
Pull into  the parking lot and sit
My car is easier to fill than a home

Spilling out secrets
Like a dripping faucet
Through the night
You hold me as the sun comes up
Sewing my chest back together
With a wine stained thread
Pull my hair
And the seams grow closer together

The ukulele gains dust
The lamps aren’t bright enough
There are no songs to fill the space
My voice is lost
Looking down familiar roads
With an ache in its stomach
Knowing the route
But with a pulling reluctance
Taking my foot off the gas
And coasting into silence

I'm not sure what it is about that one spot on Five Mile Rd.
that gets me every time
We used to go on walks
I'm not even sure if this is where we would walk every time
But if I'm being honest
I only remember a few of our walks

I'm not sure what it is about that one spot in Dillard's
with the one smell
that takes me back to that one spot on Five Mile

I don't remember the things you said
just the way things made me feel
My feet flying under me just happy to be outside
the kind bus driver thinking I was chasing him had to be waved on by you
multiple times

I'm not sure what it is about willow trees
I don't even know how many times we made those bracelets out of their limbs
but the ones that I still have are my strongest earthly possessions

I'm not sure what it is about the Starbucks where I last saw you alive
and a year later in the parking lot found out you were dead
I'm not sure why I never went and saw you
With reminders of your presence all around town I felt that you were always with me
Until one day you weren't

I still turn my head at the smell of a pipe like yours
I still turn my head at scruffy beards on bikes
I still turn my head at the best **** family dinner I will ever have at Flying Pie  

I am so sorry that when I turned my head at Starbucks

I didn't say goodbye

Manic whiskey dream girl says
The only party trick she knows
Is out drinking the boys
Manic whiskey dream girl knows
You've always been afraid to dance
But here we are
Your body being dragged to the center of the room
Don't worry, she doesn't know this part either
Manic whiskey dream girl says
Lighten up a little while she slams down a glass
The heaven she is trying to create is too big for just one person
Manic whiskey dream girl
Is the perfect screen to project your insecurities on
On her they look so good
Short dress to feed an ego
Long hair to fit the type
Tattoos and masochism
Wrapped into a night of lifting this consciousness off the floor
Manic whiskey dream girl doesn't lift weights
Just sorrows, and hers are too heavy to hold
So she cradles you when you get the spins
Spilling stories out of her mouth like all the clumsy drinks of the night
A transparency so agreeable
A glass with a chip on the side
A risk so small she's worth taking
Manic whiskey dream girl
Slips away without you asking her to
Exits are the most rehearsed act she has
Manic whiskey dream girl
Is too dream girl
And you're almost waking up

Reeling from the inability to let you go
Your soft words
Your slurring heart
Dragging me on a leash
Made of all the times my heart leapt
And leaked out of my eyes
Dripping onto my chest
Watering the garden of weeds
I thought were flowers
I'm still pulling up roots
Thorns of memories filling my throat
My hands tired and ******
This will be the work of a patient gardener
Forgive the weeds for straining to survive
Forgive the soil for sustaining them
Forgive the gardener for the neglect
And begin to rebuild

Not getting off at that exit
Calms my heart
Going to the park that is now just a park
Removes the lump from my throat
Holding a paint brush like I once held your hand
Stops the shaking limbs
I have become my own lullaby
On nights
Where I learn to embrace a cup of tea
Rather than you

I imagine speaking again
My tongue and anvil
My heart a rapid river
I've never had words for you
When everything is on your terms
I forget how to speak my mind
My mouth filling with the ocean
I have swallowed for you
Waves crashing in my chest
Currents flowing through my limbs
But when I speak
The seas and storm will break
My words a gentle stream
I will create a new path
Slow and Steady
No river is the same and
Day by day
I will become something new

I’m sitting in a suffocating silence
In my car
Unable to drag myself inside
Into a house that’s not mine
Into a bed we don’t share
To be alone again
I’m waiting for the day where
The things I do aren’t about you
But old habits die hard
And just like I still reach to pull back the hair that is gone
Reality is the empty space between my fingers
Between me and the ocean of an empty bed
Drowning in the space you left for me
To learn how to swim in