you'll be fine.*

that's all they can say.

but they don't know how scary it is.

how scary the lights in club can make you dizzy.
how scary they might think you are just going crazy?

how the chocolates that used to make you happy,
causes the attacks that isn't healthy.

how scary the people you used to see every day,
suddenly turns to unfamiliar faces each time you wake up.

it is not easy to be sick like me.

when all you have is memory...

but also that's everything you'll have to lose.

I am so tired of people telling me it's going to be okay when they were never under the pressure as you are.
I am so full of people telling me to move on when I can't.
I am so tired of them telling me I'll be fine.
**when I just simply don't want to be.

I used to be that little girl with the colorful dress,
I used to write on walls and make a rainbow.
I used to be the girl where you run to when some kid takes your sandwich.
I used to be the little girl who has  crooked teeth but never failed to smile and be happy every day.

Everything was perfect until the firsts.
First love, heartbreak, hurt, fail, numbness.

Everything fell apart.
Broke down to pieces.

Then I learned how to not care.

then everything seems to blur.

I never played with crayons now.
I play with knives and blades through my skin.

I never wore necklaces.
But, a tight rope I once tried on.

I never liked alcohol on my wounds,
now, I shower myself with liquor and *****.

Everything was a mess.

My life was full of hatred and love of the thought of death.

But when he smiled. It ended.

Do we really exist in the world?
Or are we just a part of another reality.
Just like what Rick and Morty was travelling through.
Like what the Fullmetal Alchemist discovered.
The other side of the gate.
What if we die now?
Do we continue living in the other world?
Or do we die in all the alternate universe?
Do we get a second chance in living?
Do we get the chance to say goodbye to those who we are afraid to leave behind?
How easy will it be?
How hard will it go?

Are we living in the ultimate reality where
it is easier to break hearts than to love?
where it is easier to steal than to gain something?
where it is easier to run away than stay and fight for it.

What it in the other side,
there is more happiness than this?
what if it does not require drugs to laugh our ***** off.
what if in the other side, it does not require violence to get through peace.

Is this why they have forbid us to commit suicide before its our time, because they forbid us to know the truth behind all of this and we are still not needed in the other universe where we are still kicking and breathing?

They say everything has its purpose.

Do you know yours?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I keep on skipping classes.
My head was filled with strange thoughts that sometimes wants me to jump off the building.
I'm sorry I haven't ate enough for one day,
I was trying to survive for the whole week.
I'm sorry I told you people I'm doing fine...
But deep inside, I was planning the funeral I will never have.

I'm sorry I had bad habits I can't stop...
Maybe I just don't want to.
Sorry if I had secrets that I keep until now.
They are the only thing that keeps me going.
sorry if I had told you I'm fine...
I was trying to be.

I filled my emptiness with unnecessary feeling that won't help
but made me alive.
I was looking for hapiness.
I found it in a way that no one else understands.

To my parents:
I'm sorry I am such a shame to the family.
Never grew up like the princess you have treated me when I was young.
Instead, I grew up to be the witch, every one learned to hate.

To my boyfriend:
I'm sorry I ****.
I never cheated on you or even thought about it.
but I learned how to lie.
Lie about me.
I am happy with us,
but never with the person I became.

to my self:

I'm sorry I became like this.
This was out of the plan, right?
we talked about this before.
But I failed you.

Everything is messed up now.
I don't really know how to fix this and make every thing okay again.

And I am tired of trying.

You enter the empty room, half of your face covered with the shadows.
Headphones on and you turn off the silence around.
There was no one there, yet you felt something getting close to you.
The weird warmth slowly caressing your senses.
Everything felt so lonely when that burning sensation touched my skin.
Now, I realized that my old friend, LONELINESS, have found me.