I remember thinking
'Tomorrow you'll be worlds away'
When faced with my biggest regret.

I know we've gotten off to a slow start
But slow and steady wins the race,
Right?

We always get so close
Never quite the hundred we need
We don't talk for what seems like eternity.

You are exceptional
My favourite Phoenix boy
A boy torn between what people will think and how he feels.

I've played the waiting game
A game I know well
If you say the word I'm yours.

But if we never end this on a definite full stop
I'll be left wondering
And you'll be left wondering
And we'll never know what wonders we could've seen.

I hope each day
I hope and pray
You're not the one that got away.

My father died
from a gun shot wound
to the head

self-inflicted

Don't get all weird about it.

Fathers die
and their passing
though certain
is rarely easy.

So what can I say of this man
so many years
after his emphatic end?

I can say what Whitman said
of Lincoln:
"O Captain, my Captain.
Rise up and hear the bells."

But he will not.

He was ever-present
wise and alert
a boxer in life
a fighter in every way.

And I grew up with the gloves on
quick
elusive
and thanks to him
successful in every ring.  

He died
******* on a lit tobacco stick

Emphysema was gonna
take him down
so he pulled his own trigger
saved his family that way
though that's a longer tale

Therefore
and whereas
this is a belated requiem
for a man I loved.
My Captain.
Dear and departed
these many years
may he rest in peace
as he never rested
in life.

Writing is cathartic for there I

speak the truth

Awake and alarmed with my
passions and my youth

stories so vividly told

here and only here will I ever be so bold

The balm has worked

I will put the lid back on the jar

Remembering the pain but, now it's just a scar....

My demons are my demons

the one thing that I grapple with

are the disingenuous status of

my relationships

I never  did understand why

people just could not get over

the things

that hunt from the past

the nightmares the whining and

crying that just last and last.

Until one day the

pain crept  in

and seized my mind

I thought the pain would never end.

Thoughts of a child crying in the rain.

Waiting for her mom to come

back but she was not heard of again

the abandonment that I felt

the pains of hunger when there's nothing on the shelf

how I was passed from hand to hand

the mistake that my mom made

was in God's hand

each night I prayed

that the generations after

will never know the pain

That makes me numb

and temping to drive me insane

How can you tell a         burdened heart no?

How can you you tell someone you

love to let go?

How can you deny a person

that part of you that they long for ?

How can you not be viewed as a

monster ! When he won't let go!

     How can I spend so may days of

my life

trying to fix that which was broken

For every tear that fell, it was full of

sorrow

and the sobs were just a token

Allow me to hold out my hand to cup

your face

Allow me to wipe your tears with my hair

Allow me to kiss your cheek and hold

you close

so I can remember some semblance

of love there

You asked me if I even feel

Behind those cold calculating eyes

you had the right to accuse me

of being cold as steel

I can not love you the way you need me too

That's why I'm letting go

to hold you captive in this relationship

I can not endure  that no more    
 
Am I strong enough to accept the blame

of us not working out

am I strong enough to face you

without displaying doubt

Everything that we work so hard for

is now in the Wind 

I never was who you thought I was

your homie your lover or friend.

Standing in the crowd

yet I feel all alone

questioning the motives

of everyone that comes

No real since of family because

they were not there

me is all I got

The family is dysfunctional 

and that's saying a lot

Growing up,

I was the only one to govern

what was right and what was

wrong
I never thought twice about

killing someone

not physically of course but was

my words unbound

I never wished to be this person

I have got to calm down

Have you ever asked a masked man

who he is

  or what does he stand for

 in an attempt to satisfy

my thirst for knowledge

I looked in the mirror