this is an apology
to all those i have hurt in the past, those i hurt now, and those who i will hurt in the future.

this is an apology
to everybody i've ever known
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.
i'm sorry i couldn't help you fight off your demons, i couldn't even keep mine at bay.
just know that i tried my best.
those who i couldn't help still haunt me in my nightmares, but ******* it i tried my hardest
to save you from yourself
but you were just a shell of the person i once knew -
there was none of you left for me to grab onto.

this is an apology
to my future boyfriend
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant - there are things i hope you'll never know and things i can't share with you.
just know that i want to.
i want you to understand why i am the way i am.
i will love you even when it doesn't seem like i do.

to my future husband
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant.
i will love you with all my heart and soul even in my darkest hour.

this is an apology to all those i let down
and who i will let down in the future.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.

this is an apology
i'm so sorry

Is this what being an adult is?

Staring at objects and them staring back at you
Thinking only that you don't know if you have enough energy left
To put that away, do this, do that

But, somehow, doing it anyway
Because otherwise you know nothing will ever get done

Because it is only you here, by yourself

Is this what being an adult is?
Being too tired to weave feelings into poems
And so listing thoughts out in hollow fashion

Just so you can get to sleep

I just sit here, wasting my thoughts on
nothingness, technicolour images are
viewed but never given reflection in
to the views of reality...

My lessons of deliberation leave my energies
of expelling of any significance woefully stale.
I'm just going to let some things linger inside,
never to view through the window, only a shadow.

Hats off to History!
Do we really change the story?
Are wars ever such glory?
Old men relishing the gory,
Hats off to History,
Can we change the past,
Each armed conflict is the last,
Change the future, indeed,
Thoughts for you to read!

feeling all the marks you left on me
trying to find a way around it
you go about business so happily
i don't know where you found it
i've been grabbing at the roots of trees
doing anything i can to stay grounded