He is a true bad boy, and he has a motorcycle.
He just got out of jail,
He is the boy I warned my best friend about.
I never saw it coming, never thought it possible.
That he could have me questioning,
Everything I thought I knew.

That boy swept me off my feet,
and he held me close.
His kisses were gentle,
His touch sent shivers through me.
How did I miss how special he was.
How special we were?

He defended me,
He didn't talk **** behind my back.
He told me I was special,
and I believed him.
Other boys would tell me,
and I knew it was just a line.

He would touch me,
and rub his fingers
along the inside of my thigh.
He would look me in the eye,
to show me his soul.
He understood my pain,
I didn't need to explain,
why I hurt.  

He was just there,
He held me close,
He kissed my forehead
He wiped my tears.
Then just as fast as he turned my world upside down
Faster than he stole my heart,
They took him.

I was left with a memory.
There he was,
sitting on the curb,
apologizing to me.
As I tried not to cry.
Knowing I needed him,
to touch him,
to kiss him.

We were in the same place,
handcuffed and kept apart,
Now, he is just this empty feeling in my stomach
A yearning for a phone call.
He is just a memory,
for now, for always.

I am his brand new ride or die.
No amount of officers,
or cuffs or bars.
Or friends telling me he is no good,
will change my mind.
Or erase my memories.

It is extremely terrifying to have to start over.
Especially when that is really all you seem to do.
You start over and over, and never really end up getting anywhere.
And then, I guess you die.
How many times have I had everything taken from me?
Out on the streets, turning from the left to the right
Trying to take in my surroundings and find some solid ground.
Sometimes it is there, and sometimes it’s not.
Sometimes it feels like I am trying to escape from quicksand.
Never really getting ahead but never getting any further down.
Just staying in the same spot about to drown at any given minute.
I don’t call this living at all anymore.
It is just surviving and my strength is getting much harder to find.
It is getting harder to breathe, way too harder to smile.
It is getting hard to believe in myself.
Or in the belief that I am capable of anything more than I have already done.
I worry at times that all the happiness and good memories to make have already happened.
That for the rest of my life I will just be continuing this never ending struggle.
Then one day I will just slip down into the dirt.
And I will just be gone.
And no one will remember me for the good I never did.
And no one will remember me for the love they felt for me.

One day, no one will notice but I will just be gone.

Making lunches, and doing dish after dish.
Folding little pieces of laundry after successfully fighting the stains.
Sweeping, and mopping, picking up tiny toys over and over and over again.

Wiping little handprints off of glass and off of walls.
Making beds, and scaring monsters away.
Bedtime stories, and midnight snuggles.
Waking up early, making breakfast.

Feeling complete, feeling whole again.
Feeling what it feels like to mean the world to someone.
Knowing that you have no choice but to carry on,
Cause this little person depends solely on you to be okay.
So that makes it so easy, you can smile with no falsehoods behind it at all.
Because to know the feel of little arms wrapped around you,
and to hear "Momma, I love you as much as you love me"
Is the best feeling in the world, it is the instant recharge of your soul.

It's this I miss, It's this I need.
It's not having these things that makes it hard to carry on.

I just wish that you could have known, how badly it was that I needed you to make me feel special.
Like I was worth a little time focused on me, like I was worth rushing home to.
Just to be a shoulder to cry on, to be the protector.
Where we wouldn’t have to do anything,
I wish you could have wanted to be there for me, known how hurt I am inside and how little I feel.
I wish I still meant something to someone,
Like I belonged somewhere.
Like I wasn’t just the last thing on the list to cross off.
Cause I don’t want to not matter anymore.
I wish you could have seen that I needed you to need me.
I needed to be loved, and just be acknowledged, for someone to understand that I feel like I have no meaning anymore.
Not a single reason to exist.

I wish I didn’t know that you would walk out the the door, and just make some crack about me.
I wish my life wasn’t just this, being alone, thinking about all the memories in my head.
I wish I wasn’t just a joke to everyone.
I wish you still thought the world of me, and you can say you do,
But you don’t, you can’t and behave like this.

You cant take one hour away from your phone, or a day away from your life.
To be there for me.
I said I would try, but it hurts cause you are still going on your path,
that is so far from the one I need to regain my life.
It hurts a lot that youre not here, especially today.
Cause today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life,
And the most traumatic too.
You didn’t even think about that, or what that is doing to me.
You didn’t care when you walked out the door that I felt like this.
You still went and made that crack to your new friends.
You still left and I still wont really cross your mind.
I really needed to though,
Cause now I think I know for sure.

That I will never be what I once was to you.
We will never get that back,
That you are already gone.
You can say it is for money, you can say it is for me.
But the truth is, if it was for me,
You would’ve seen the thing I needed was just time and love,
With no judgments.
No sighs, no insults, no little digs about the time you had made for me,
or the potential money lost.
Cause we need money yes,
But what is money gonna do when I have totally lost who I am?

Will you be there for me at all when I just stare off into space,
because I feel that I am closer to that than anything right now.

My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.

I am the kind heart,
the one who hurts if anyone else is in pain.
The one who hardly gets anything in return,
for the entirety of her heart and soul she gave.

The one who, people seem to pass over.
Yet is always there for everyone else.
The one who has chosen to just let it all go.
Who lost her reason to fight.

Who lost her reason to live.
Lost everything inside of her heart.\
And her mind goes to quickly that it stalls
and the pain floods through her body.
its paralyzing and unforgiving.

Its too ****** much to even begin to think about
when you dont wanna go forward.
when you want to close your eyes and never wake up again

when you're not you
When  your worst nightmares come true
Then, even worse when the nightmares of your children are a reality
when the only reason you ever kept going
is gone

what is there to live for
what is there to believe in

it's all gone.
andrew hung himself in his closet

brenton 3 am, may 24

the ****** train killed my best friend.

dad tried to light a smoke

he burned his face bad

mom called me to help

i called 911

dad died.

friends left.

husband cheated.

lost your job on stress leave.

took him back.

got beat up

he cheated again

you lost another home

your sister calls the cops.... lies about you

they want jail time.

your mother hates you

your family doesn't give a flying ****

not even a distant cousin

your a useless joke

cause you just cared

you dont have much at all

and you seem to **** that up pretty good too

you left him to be happy?

we took your children

gave them to mom that hates you

who lets them near the sister who is ruining you

and ignores you.

we took your reason to live

so please just go die in a hole somewhere

and never harass the liars

what do you have

what does it matter

i am nothing

i am no one

i lost my everything

cause he was too angry

the one time i quit being able to forgive

I remember your smile,
I remember your voice.
I remember how many times
You told me how you felt when you first saw me.
I felt so giddy.
I can see your face, your lips.
I can feel the high energy you had near me.
I can feel the electricity between us.
I know how it feels to wake up smiling.
Beside you.
I can feel how hard it was for you.
To sit there and tell me that the one before.
Was carrying your baby.
I promised we would be friends.
Who knew that friendship would be so amazing.
And so difficult.
We both knew we needed each other in our lives.
We couldnt let go.
I love our conversations.
I read what you wrote me.
You are so happy to have me in your life to support you.
But, we grab each other close again
Our lips touch and we cant stop ourselves.

Please just know that I wish things weren’t the way the are.
Actually, this may be my biggest issue in all honesty.
I unknowingly hide away
Keeping myself trapped in my head,
The events that changed my life and who I am
Are playing on repeat in my mind.
All I can do is sit in my head and scream.
I try to change things,
No matter how loud I am,
No matter how much will power or strength,
No matter how many sleepless nights I have.
No matter if I have cried an ocean of tears.
What happened is there still.
­Just as it happened the very first time.
Just as it happens everytime.
There is nothing that changes,
Nothing I do now changes any of it.
That in itself is why I am who you see now.
Just stuck in the past,
Trying to fix the things I never could.
They say that the definition of insanity,
Is to do the same thing over and over,
Expecting different results.
If this is the case than I am afraid  I am insane
I have been since 4 years ago this May.
The regret remains as the guilt eats away at my heart.
The anger still grips my soul.
I am just here stuck in my head.
Just stuck on repeat.  
I just sitting here,
Trying to change what has already happened.
Waiting for a miracle to free me from my own head.
I need something to come and heal my soul.

Only cause you want me to,
I will move on and find someone new.  
Only cause you want to,
I will forget the sound of your voice.  
I will forget how you could make me smile and smile again on my own.  
Cause you don't want to make me smile anymore.  
I don't want you to just be a memory,
but cause you want me to
I'll leave you behind.  
And one day down the road,
we will see each other and smile awkwardly at one another.  
You will be with someone new and I will be too.  We will look back at each other as we walk away
I will wish I was her and you will wish you were him.  
Then we will both remember that you got what you asked for
We will carry on as some forgotten memories, and some old cute pictures of you and I.  
We will just be a thing of the past.  
Cause you wanted me to.

I feel like I should not feel this way.
I feel like it is imperative the I don't,
in all honesty.
I want to touch you,
I want to kiss you.
I want to be asleep,
with your breath on my neck.
I want your beautiful eyes,
staring into mine.

I want to feel complete again.
I want to know,
without a doubt in my mind,
what true love is.

I shouldn't need you,
like I do.
But I am still here,
needing you anyways.
I shouldn't miss you like I do.
Here I am though,
day after empty day.
With you haunting my mind.
Stealing all other thoughts,
and cares from me.
I shouldn't love you this much.
So please, Why?
Why can't I just stop loving you?

Why do I wait for your arms,
to be around me?
Why can't I just let anyone else,
touch me, or feel my skin?
Or get close to me at all?
It feels so wrong,
Like I would be betraying myself.
Like I would be destroying my world,
and every thing inside of it.

It is you that remains everything to me.

You are the only arms I want holding me close.
Like I am the only thing in life worth holding onto.
You are the only lips I want on mine, or my skin.
You are the only one I want inside of me.

No matter what you have done.
No matter what logic I may know.
No matter what I do,
or what I tell myself.
Or how many times I wake up,
telling myself over and over and over again,
I shouldn't love you so much,
that my heart only sees you.
I shouldn't miss you so much,
I just feel empty.
I still do.

It never changes.
My heart refuses to let you go.
I sit here, all alone.
Trying to rebuild myself.
Hoping you go to sleep every night,
With me as the last thought that crosses your mind.
My face in your dreams,
like yours is in all of mine.
Hearing my voice,
sometimes all I hear is you.
Will this pass in time?
Or will our toxic love
just haunt me forever?

Will I stay forever loving,
Forever missing you?

This is not you.
This person you've become.
This is a bad dream that will end.
When will I wake up with you beside me.
With all that's leftover a chill.
A distant memory of this ruined life.
These ruined memories,
Poisoned, tainted.
when will love outweigh the destruction.
This cannot be real,
This cannot be my life now.
You couldn't have done this to yourself.
Let yourself slip into an abyss,
So deep, so cold, so haunted.
You're just breathing,
That's all that's left.
This strong, loving, tender soul.
This soul that would cling to me when he needed to.
This man who protected me,
Saved me from myself.
Is no where around anymore.
No where near me to save me now,
Or let me save you.
You've let yourself die inside and pushed me away.
We both died inside.

I am already feeling the resentment towards you.
I am wishing that I was anywhere but here right now
I don’t want to waste my time anymore here,
I don’t want to be a second choice.
When I have the ability to be so many men’s first choice.

I am not gonna sit here, while you don’t want me.
I am not gonna let you bring me down.
I know what I am, I know what I am worth.
I know there is far better out there,
than what you have ever offered me.

So, I am saying this only once to you,
If you would like to be with me,
It is time you said something,
It is time you made a move.
Unlike yourself, once I am gone
I am gone forever.
No longer to be disrespected by someone like you.

You will call me,
You will expect  me to pick up.
I won’t though,
Doing so would merely be a waste of my time.
You will realize at some point you care,
When it will not matter to me anymore.
I will be gone, and you will be alone.

I will be far more on my own.
Than I am right now,
This silliness of feeling low about myself,
Because of a man,
who is gonna lose the best thing to possibly have happened to him

It is your loss,
your problem.
You will one day feel how I feel now.
It is a shame that we did not feel the same way at the same time.

I guess this is it, the breaking point.
The time I thought would never actually arrive.
I thought it would work out, I thought you would care.
Care enough about me, enough about yourself.
Love is a funny thing, I can't stay because of my love.
Leaving is the only thing left, you aren't here anymore.
My heart wants to jump out of its chest.
I want to scream, I want to shake you and show you what magic you're stealing from our lives.
The laughs as a family, the time and the hugs.
Our kisses, our late nights.
The things that mean so much to me, seem to mean nothing to you.
I have wanted you to grab me, hold me scream how much you love me.
I wanted you to do anything for me.
To take charge and take me, to fix our family.
Your desire for me, is gone.
Your will to fight for me is obsolete.
So I'm left walking away, wishing for a miracle.
For a change of heart, for you to scream don't leave.
That you don't makes this more painful, makes this so hard to take.
Yet, it also shows me I'm making the right decision.
Twenty years from now, I will still love you.
But I won't have to regret living a life of hurt.
I wanted this love, I wanted this life, the way it was.
I wished and prayed and begged and yelled.
None of those things will change that you don't love me.
Nothing hurts me more walking away, loving you so completely.
Knowing you don't feel the same way.
I wish I could turn back the time to where you held me close and I could feel nothing but your unconditional love for me.
How did you just stop loving me, our love was so strong.
I'm dying inside, I've lost one of the biggest parts of my life.
I've lost the family I dreamed about.

I have lived in hell,
I called it love.
I was told by him,
It was me who turned our heaven into hell.
Now though as the fog is fading,
I know.
I know it wasn't me at all.

I was not to blame for being strangled.
I was not to blame for being dragged into the darkness of a football field at midnight.
For believing that this is where I would die.
Beaten in a field so close to home,
With my pants around my ankles.
After he ***** me, strangled me.
After he punched my face, hit me with what ever would hurt.

It was not my fault he whipped me, chased me down streets while I cried.
While I prayed for safety.
It was not my fault he lied about me.
It was on him, the bite marks, the concussions.
The way he destroyed everything I owned.
Everything I was.

It is his fault what he did.
But what is on me is what I am still allowing him to do.
I am still afraid to be alone,
I will look over my shoulders as if his eyes are watching my every move.
I am certain that one day my family will be notified of my death.
I am not sure how i change that.

I let his words consume me,
I dont feel lovable, maybe everyone is better in bed than me.
Perhaps I am just this ugly, useless repulsive joke.
Perhaps anyone who may fall for me,
Or who I fall for will hate me within a day or two.
Because I am such a pathetic waste.
I am stupid, I am fat, I am worthless.
These thoughts and the scars are what remain of my hell.

I am wanting to move forward, be normal, believe in happiness and people that are good inside.
I want to believe there is actually good in me.
But i am so afraid, what if there is truth in his words?
What if I deserved the nightmare's?
What if I caused the violence?

Cause all I really want is to lay beside you,
Someone new, someone genuine.
I want to know that I am not just a joke to you
That you actually want to kiss me ad much as I want to kiss you.
I just need you to know,
That right now I don't expect forever, and I dont need an I love you.
I just want honesty, I want to be able to not be a disappointment to you.
I want you to like who I am, and to not play games.

Because I am trying to heal myself and just need you to know
That I dont want to learn that he was right
And I was wrong.

I guess it is over before it really had a chance to begin.
Maybe that is for the best in the long run.
Maybe you leaving if a gift for me.
So I don’t have to hurt when you would leave me later on.
Cause you would leave me later on,
No one ever stays.
Maybe this feeling in the pit of my stomach will stop soon.
This water always sitting behind my eyes will dry up.
And thoughts of you that seem to dance through my mind,
All day and all night long will finally stop.
Maybe you are not thinking of me now at all.
Perhaps you have totally forgotten about me by now.
Maybe you get my letter, and feel nothing but pity for me.
I could possibly be just another silly girl,
That you put under a spell,
Making me feel like such a special gift to you.
One that you cared and never wanted to be without.

All of those times I would be staring out the window.
And I would look over to the driver side,
To see you looking away from me quickly.
Maybe you had been staring at me,
Thinking I am beautiful, thinking you were lucky.
Maybe you  did and maybe you didn’t.
Emotions change memories,
Times certainly does too.
Defense mechanisms protect damaged hearts and souls.
So you and I will remember us,
The way were drawn to each other like magnets.
The way our lips would find each other,
And calm the chaos of the world.
The way you helped me search my soul,
To show the world me again.
The way once we would be away from each other.
We would just want one another beside each other again.
Text messages, little calls, excuses to see each other.

Feeling content, driving with the windows down,
We were free.
We were sitting there smiling at one another.
You pulling me in close, kissing my forehead.
Scenes from your favourite love story,
Ours.

I am starting to think,
I may actually be okay.
It is not a big step I am aware,
But I took myself out today.
I was alone, in a crowd.
But I didn’t want to hide and cry.
I was confident enough,
I even smiled at folks who looked my way,
And said “hi”
I think if I push myself,
Just a little each day…
When I look in the mirror one day that’s quite soon,,
I wont be lying to myself when I tell myself
It will be okay.
I can see who I am,
Even if just a tiny glimpse,
I am still there.
I can fight back, I can win.
Even if this ****** life is so unfair.

I have been dealt many blows,
And I have laid broken too long,
I just need to finally realize,
I am actually this strong.
I am still standing if battered,
Bruised that is for sure.
I am crying, and I am lonely.
But my heart is still pure.
I still see the good in every person I meet.
I still want the perfect true love.
Fall asleep with kisses so sweet.

Even though there is dark,
And the sadness is not gone.
Please know I am here trying.
Please know I am thing strong.
I ask you for patience,
I ask you for care,
I ask for your love,
And to simply be there.

It wont always be so bleak,
I wont be such a dread,
I wont always have crazy thoughts
Filling my head.

I ask you for love,
And honesty too.
I ask for forgiveness,
For everything I have done to you.

Where I am struggling back from,
Is a very dark place.
I am fighting strong demons,
Who have won for a while.
But my love, I promise you,
Be there for me now.
And one day soon we will both smile.

If you want to see me be good,
Be the girl that did steal your heart.
Then please, I beg of you,
Lets go back to how we were at the start

Where our kisses didn’t end,
And we were each other’s best friend.
Where the passion was electric.
And the laughter was endless.
Please show me this is still possible.
Cause at times I am afraid.

That I have lost that perfect thing forever.
That I have damaged you, now you are forever changed.
You are my light, you are my heart and you are the reason I fight.

All that I ask if that you hold me at night,
And kiss me, and hold me,
Show me what I mean,
I promise you now baby, I will do just the same.

It is a step, and a little one,
I know but please see.
I am trying to be what I need me to be.

I want to go home, so badly I want to run right back there.
I want to jump into a time machine, before I broke.
I want to take back every bad choice and I want to be sitting there again.
Staring at two perfect little beings laughing and smiling, feeling total and complete happiness.
There is a place in my dreams where this still exists and every morning I wake up is just a painful reminder.
So I try to stay awake, and I try to stay numb, I try to forget everything I was,
I try to forget everything I was.
People hate me for it, they don't seem to understand that I hate myself far worse than anyone else can.
I am lost, and my home doesn't exist anymore
I am so afraid that the only happiness I  see in my life is in my past.
I am so afraid to try and stand up cause I don't think I can stomach another fall.
I have nothing here, nothing I was, no one to lean on.
I am too afraid to try and find home again alone.
Sorry doesn't even begin to cover what I want to say.
Sorry I am broken, sorry I am so scared to break anymore.
Sorry I was not strong enough to keep the only thing I wanted.
I tried to stay at home, I only wanted everything I had.
I just want to be home.

It'. s like I just can't seem to get it right.
Like no piece is falling into the right place,
Like all the frustration will never end.
EverythingI wanted, needed so desperately.
Lingers and taunts me, with every grasp I make.
It floats further away,
Never to feel whole, never feel okay.

It's like I'm always wrong.
Im just this nuissance, a broken piece.
Just getting in the way.
It's like you never will change,
The resentment towards me.
The lack of patience.
Not caring to notice just what I need.
You don't want it.

It's like Im screaming inside,
Hopelessly clawing my way up a endless hole.
I am trying to cure myself,
Save the world around me.
And now,
With every harsh word.
Every angry comment,
Every secret,
I slip deeper.
I hate myself.
Because I don't even know who I am.
I'm no one, nothing.
I'm not me.
I'm just a worthless waste of time.
With everytime it's proven how little I am,
It digs deeper, more intense pain than the time before.

It's literally killing me,
Tearing at every inch of me.
And yet,
Its not noticed, nothing changes.
The only change is me,
Slipping further and further into a dark hole.
Losing pieces of myself constantly.
With no one to help me save them

You stood up for me.
When I sad you were there.
You didn't let me cry alone.
You told me the perfect thing,
your lips on my neck
felt like magic.

You made sure people respected me.
You wanted nothing in return.
You wanted better for me,
than I was giving myself.
You gave me butterflies.

No one has done that for me
No one has cared about me like that

The thoughts circle in my head.
Darkness
Pain
Anxiety
Desperation
I am gonna go to jail.

I am gonna miss family court.

I'm gonna lose my only reason for living.

The one, who loves me.
Doesn't respect me.
Sees no issue in me feeling degraded.
I'm losing.
I'm drowning.

Why go forward?
Why fight?
      For what? Myself?
I don't even know who I am anymore.
And even less do I know if I'm worth anything?
I do know I just constantly hurt.
Why don't my tears mean anything?

I feel as if I can't move.

I feel u human.

Hated
Disgusting
Repulsive

Why would I try to move forward?
Why fight?
         To feel even lower?
Less even more?

What am I after I lose the one last hope I cling to?
What happens when that last piece of my soul breaks?
Why? In a roomful of people, do I just feel awkward? Unwanted?
Pathetic?
So different?
I give up
I don't know what to fight for anymore

Fight
      And
           Lose
                Fight
                      And
                            Lose
I just show my girls how to lose.

Burnt flesh,
the scent wafting into my memory.
Reminding me of more pain,
as todays gauntlet
introduces itself to me.
I am your life.
I am just another test,
to see how much we can break you.

To see how much you can lose,
before you just step over,
and out,
over the deep end.
Before you just walk away,
Never looking down.
Before your legs buckle and break.

Before the last piece of yourself,
Just gives in.
Where is my baby girl,
and why did he lie.
Why can't anyone see,
I always meant well.
I love her, she's my world.

Isolated, cold.
Just lost my reason to live.
Just lost my reason to hold on,
Just lost it all.

Why do you even bother,
Why would it even matter.
You failed your children.
You did this,
my mom will blame me.
She always made me know,
how insignificant of a human being I really was.

And now she tells my beautiful,
perfect little angel
about their useless mother,
and her forgiving heart,
such a pathetic stupid girl.
Its all her fault
Idiot.

I lost it, lost it all.
I have nothing,
I don't wanna be awake,
I don't wanna know what tomorrow will bring.
I don't wanna do this anymore.

When he stayed out late at nights
I cried myself to sleep.
Put on a fake beautiful smile everyday.
While he cheated and lied,
Missing his children's recitals and birthdays.
I put on my fake smile
And covered for his selfish ***.
While he broke me
Destroying my happy ending.
While I pretended he was still the man of my dreams.
He told everyone how low I had fallen,
He made a mockery of me.
While I cried and I begged for my world to stay the same as it was.
He walked away, ignoring my screams and cries.
I clung to his leg begging him not to give us up.
To save his family, to cherish what we had.
He kicked me off him into the dirt
He never even looked back.

Then, when he missed me and was alone.
I took him back and I tried
I tried to rebuild the trust, to regain the love.
But it was too late and it just wouldn't work.
He had blown out the flame that we had.
And there was nothing either of us could get it back.
And when I walked away, he did the unspeakable.
The unforgivable.
The ultimate shot to my heart.
He had my children taken and that was the end of who I was.
He had broken the last piece of me.

I cried for months and months,
Couldn't talk, work laugh.
I was just a body, my soul had vanished
Too broken to carry on.
My heart was shattered.
And I survived by numbing myself and escaping into another world.
Where my babies were not taken from me.
Where I was good enough and where I wasn't broken.

Now I am the broken one,
The less responsible choice for the very beings I lived for.
Now he cuddles my baby every night.
Now, the baby who left and never cared when she cried in the night.
The baby I held every night, the baby I cherished
The baby I would give my life for.
The baby that he never cared about.
He has,
And I am lost.
And once again,
Karma doesn't seem to exist.

Remember Ingrid,
I tell myself.
This story hasn't come to the end.
Don't give up yet
A happy ending may be just around the next corner.

I first saw the world, when you opened your eyes.
I first met true love, holding you in my arms.
All of a sudden, my dark world was filled with love.
Emotions like anger, jealousy, envy and resentment
seemed pointless, a waste of precious time.
No one else mattered to me, you were my one and only.
The only thing that was important to me,
was knowing you knew how much I loved you.
And to protect your innocence.

I watched you grow, and walk and smile and laugh.
You amazed me with everything you did.
I smiled all day long, whether we were on walks,
or snuggling on a rainy afternoon.
Your opinions on the way the world should be,
were so full of love and peace.
You, to this day are the brightest most beautiful star
I have ever seen.
You my sweet girl,
will forever amaze me.

I am sitting here alone now,
with all my regrets and mistakes, my sorrow and pain.
I am wishing I could look up
see your face smiling at me.
Your sister and yourself, sitting hugging,
laughing loud.
I have never felt more peace,
happiness and unconditional true love,
as when I just sat quietly back.
Watching the two of you be sisters to each other.
Loving each other, enjoying each other,
having each other.

I can never apologize for what happened,
I could never try to truly measure the lengths I fought
For you, for your childhood, for your life.
For your sister, her childhood and her life.
For our families memories, for your perfect life.
I am struggling, every day to find a reason to keep going forward.
To keep trying to do right by you, and your sister.
Because you two deserve that.
You are my heart, my soul, you are the reason I breathe.

It is so hard for me to know,
that I just lost it all.
I fought so hard for you, so you would stay the same.
But every battle got harder and harder.
And I was my only defence, and I am ashamed to say,
a mother broke, failed, let down her children.
Knowing I did this, makes every day a struggle,
and I cannot forgive myself.
My heart is yours, your sisters as well.
I love you,
you are the reason I breathe.
You are the reason I try.

I keep falling,
and I get knocked down alot,
but I will show you how much I love you,
in how many times I stand back up.

It's when you're just sitting, Doing  nothing at all,
It hits you out of nowhere..

How?

How did we get here?
How did we end up so ****** up?
How are we each other's enemies?
How did we get so far from where we were?
How did we get so far off track?
How can we ever fix this mess we have made?
Can I forgive and forget?
Can you forgive and forget?
Can we even be fixed?

How can you be okay, knowing you betrayed me?
Knowing how it felt!

And then bringing that betrayal around me?
How did you do that?

I don't justify what I did.
There is no way to do that.
I carry the guilt of my actions every day.

I do know without a doubt, that if you had been waiting for me close by.
I would have been coming home to you.
I'd always choose you.

I don't understand the eye for an eye attitude
Maybe that's where we differ
I don't want you to hurt just you hurt me

I didn't sit here and give lectures on truth and honesty and loyalty.
Only for it to come out now that you were lying to my face in those instances.

So, I have to ask
Were the "I love you's" lies as well?
Are all the times you don't hold me,
And all the insults the truth?
Right now I can't decipher between the two.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, loneliness, ignored, neglected and rejected.
Seems to be all we feel right now.
Can it ever be better?

Or are we just going to continue on our path of destruction?
It's like living in a never ending hurricane.
Or are we just going to continue on with life that is so different
From the one I dreamed we'd have?
I don't want to hurt
I don't want to cause pain
I don't want to cheat?
Or be cheated on.

The kind of relationship I want is to know that the love of my life
Loves me.
Only wants me.
Would never think to betray me.
For any reason.

I want to think this is possible
I want to believe in love
It doesn't seem you would think like me.

So where do we go now?
What am I supposed to think?
When once again, I wasn't your chosen one.

Since the 26th of December,  you were thinking of me constantly it seemed.
You were constantly calling me, you were messaging me.
We spent almost two weeks together inseparable.
I fell for you I guess and it was all my fault.
You were with her when we met.
I guess I just believed you when you said that you wouldn't play me.
Maybe when I had asked you to not play me
And you said you never would, you were just high.
How did I not know that just three days ago,
That when you said  you would catch me if I were to fall.
It was nothing more than a line.
My friends say I deserve more, and I am too good for you.
That you have too many problems, too many ghosts haunting you
But I don't feel like I am good enough for anyone at the moment.
I shouldn't have ever gone around you and I should haven't got lost in your eyes.
I should have taken the hint that it wasn't me that you wanted.
You made it clear in the nicest possible way.
I should have known better than that.
I still feel like crying though,
And I still miss you
And I still wish we could have been happy.
I wish I would have been what you wanted.
Good enough,  just once.
Oh well another lesson to learn
Another bridge I guess I will burn.

When life gets really difficult, and every obstacle in the world is in your way.
And you realize how much you have to depend on you and only you, it's really hard to see any self worth.
So we hold on to whatever we can,
and we try to be someone that matters to people.
People who are just as lost and broken.
Then, we are sad when they hurt us,
even if we hurt them too.
We are angry at them for not fixing us and we resent them.
But when it is it's absolute darkest in our lives,
and there is nothing really to give you hope,
or give you a reason to keep fighting for yourself.
You have to look within, you have to know what you want,
and you have to make a choice,
to lay down or stand up.
Really the only choice is to stand up.
In this moment, is when you regain your self worth,
you take a stand and you say to yourself that you deserve more than feeling alone, you deserve more than questioning if you are loved.
You deserve more than being hurt and hiding away from the world. You deserve more than waiting for someone to love you for you again...
And you choose to love yourself again,
and not let anyone treat you as if they can hurt you,
or walk in and out of your life as they choose.
Then all of a sudden,
the dark isn't nearly as dark
and the taller you stand the brighter it gets.
You choose how you are treated,
you choose to be ignored,
and forgotten.
When you finally choose to not settle for a life or person or situation that is anything but magical,
that's when the magic begins...

I hurt you, something I never wanted to do.
I ruined us it seems,  before we even truly began.
We sit here now in silence and I am completely lost for words.
What I want is to have my smiling, caring adorable guy back.
But instead you just seem angry, so over all my ****.

I want you beside me on this couch.
I feel I don't even have the right to ask you though.
I want to stop the clocks and time.
I don't want you to go.

There's a blank slate sleeping beside me.
With little hands, little feet,
A gigantic imagination.
She sleeps so soundly now,
Finally gives in to fatigue.
She is stubborn, hilarious, full of love
A heart of gold
I see this little girl sleeping,
I actually have the knowledge,
That she will move mountains.
Not that long ago tonight,
I was here nagging, "shhh"
"Are you crazy don't do that!"
This sleeping angel of mine.
She tells it how she see's it
She makes no excuses.
Ideas like riding a bean bag chair down stairs.
Jumping as high and as far as she can
She is never still awake
She always has something to say.
I quite frequently beg for her to calm down
Stop running around me,
To please, please, please for one minute.
I just need quiet.
She has a heart bigger than the biggest man.
The kind of person,
Who would get a Kleenex for a stranger crying.
Her hugs are like a minutes of pure bliss
The best part of my day is when a little voice says,
"Mommy I love you as much as you love me"
And I try to tell her, that she loves me more than anything in a hundred universes.
She agrees so proud.
I am too.
Seeing this innocence, this love for everyone.
Makes me more than proud.
I'm so incredibly grateful for having known her.
Let alone, I get to be her mother.
She's loud, hyper, crazy.

I'm exhausted,
From relation


M

The last thing I  want is to not be near you,
I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms.
The hardest part of this is, that you don't want the same,
and it is because of me.
The last thing I want you to be is unhappy,
or lost in a cold and lonely world.
With anxiety, and animosity all because of myself.

I want a happy life,
remember the one with Sunday mornings in the winter,
snuggled up in bed,
holding on to each other.
But that is so far away,
and you can't see how badly I just need you to hold me.

You don't see my pain, or loneliness.
You tell me, oh it is just a month,
stop with the dramatics.
Do you forget the six months prior to that?
Where I waited for your freedom?
Alone, holding onto nothing but my pillow?

See you think he was more than he was to me,
I was lonely, and I was scared and tired.
I tried to make it into something more inside of my head.
Just in case, with your freedom, you chose to not choose me.
It wasn't right, and I have never said I was.

I am broken, I am lost and I am saving you from me.
Every piece of my body, my heart and my soul hurts.
Every little dream I had dreamt for us been replaced with a lonely nightmare.
Every time I think about a life without you loving me,
tears stream down my face.

I wanted you to make the effort, to show me where my importance in your life was


and you ignored me, and you left me.
You showed me exactly how unimportant I am
and how much damage I had caused.


My apologies,  my love.  But this is where I get off now,
Before I destroy anymore of you.

I am not gonna write you again
I am not gonna cry
I am not gonna think of you
Because you won't be thinking of me.
How you just dropped me like a bad habit
Makes me feel like trash
Once again a gentle reminder of everything I have been told
Once again i was not worth honesty loyalty or respect
Never was i worth care
Or understanding of what I had just survived
I was stupid to think someone would care.

When you look in the mirror,
And it's not quite right.
When you can see a rib or two,
But still see the fat.
The muscle is still there,
And you think it should go too.
When you look at your face,
And it doesn't look nice.
Where you tried to find some good.
But it's lacking.
Obsessive compulsive,  critical of one's self.
Body dismorphic disorder.
Look at your skin,  do research
A week has passed before you know it.
And all you have done is tried everything know to man to fix your misgivings.
Try to relax yourself,  weigh in.
Cut out carbs, sugar, high fat foods.
Spending hundreds on vitamins and supplements.
Still unacceptable.

Stare at your hair,
Brush it, hair mask, treatment after treatment.
He looks on, knows something is up.
You have spent years rehearsing how to hide the anxiety.
Amazing acting.
Sometimes, you want to say what you really feel.
How exhausted you are from obsessing about the things you hate.
Smallest thing in the world, no one would even notice this...
Taking your thumb, wrapping it around your wrist
Seeing how many fingers touch.
Sending yourself over the edge into a six month spree of exhausting tactics to fix the horrendous imperfections.
Or sometimes, a calm wave settling your mind.
Never for long, but you will love every minute of the normalcy.

Then
You stand in the mirror
Notice all the flaws again
And the sheer panic races from your mind through your entire body.
And once again
That part in your brain that is different from most
Speaks to you
Till its the only thing you hear.

You're disgusting
Fix yourself by any means, you are worthless in this current state
Fix this mess of complete garbage
Or die trying