Why is it so difficult to be seen
I crave the glimmer of understanding
The Ray of light
That is your eyes
When you say my name
Your voice a tender Melody of acceptance

Thank you for seeing me
I can only hope to meet more humans like you
In my lifetime

6.9.21
I feel it everywhere all the time
Everything
And its like I can’t help but get overwhelmed
My behavior controlled by generations before

My finger a weapon
My body the target
When will I hurt less
When will the pain go away?

Hard times don’t last
But when they’re here they make up for every lost moment

Every moment I felt joy left lifeless
Every glimpse of light blown away

With just one glance,
One moment,
One story,

That’s the scary part
How quick, how easily, its all just blown away
Effortlessly into smoke,
Into oblivion

Like it never existed
Like I don’t exist anywhere but the pain
Like the pain is my new identity
Like I am exiled to spend the rest of my days inside of the ache

Nothing matters sometimes
When my body is my wallet
When the way I appear is who I am
I scrape every bit of confidence out of my mind
And I replace it all with shame

I do that sometimes
All the time
Forget who I really am

And then come back begging on my knees
Please take me back home
Please let me lay in your arms again
Ive had enough of the life I’ve been living
Ive had enough of the ache that takes hold
Drowns me while I’m still on the surface

In front of you
Watching you watch me drown
Watching you watch me
Drown

She comes only when she feels welcome
Beyond the doubts and fears that float at the surface of my mind
She says we can do and be anything
As long as we have each other
As long as this heart still has a beat

The world hasn't seen eyes like mine

But they will she reminds me
And the world will never be the same

two men greet a young woman
she smiles
they become weak
leap onto her fingertips
and bathe inside her beauty
she wears that beautiful smile like a crown
jewels glisten
she is art

my home was a vacant lot at 3 am
the walls blank and floors dusty
retreated to my thoughts
forever lost
when
suddenly
you held my hand
walked me to my own front door
led me to my soul
took my breath away
you
brought me to my home
showed me, my own love
...
my light
my home
my life

Do you really think that little of love?

Magic that ignites our very existence doesn't deserve to be left behind

It is everything

Just like you were to me

you tell me
is it really as simple as a yes or a no
doesn't seem that way  when I look into the iris of your soul
you promised me a lifetime
now look at the shattered truth of our reality
you left me in a puddle of my blood
waiting for your promises to come true

I keep falling behind
then forgetting to catch up

my heart overflowing
blood so cold
makes my skin
match the temperature of yours

mind is frozen
body numb
life moves on
can I stay here?

why do we merge
time with movement
and claim that life is our own

life is
too cruel and beautiful
to be owned

Wow I've been gone

So distracted

Feels like the universe is just sending me distraction after distraction

Just not getting the lesson

Come on Gabby

Don't you see you're not pushing

You're not thriving and I'm watching you

I'm watching as you lose your sense of self

What sense do you think will last forever

It's like you took two steps forward after already knowing it's all going to fall in

Why are we here again

Crossroads of love

You just can't get enough of them

There's a little fire that started just days ago
when my future unraveled from stone
choice morphed into a breathing body of possibility
its breath bringing me a smile I have never known
reflection invigorating me
instead of giving more confusion
I know who I am
the most beautiful words
I love her
always

Sounds of a sea of humans
Anger and aimless rage
The highs and lows
The emotional rollercoaster of attachment
Of false victory
Of seeming control of circumstance
Winning in the game
And returning to life as it is

I always thought I was fighting for something-
And now I’m not so sure of anything anymore

I want to write like Ellen Bass
morphe every word into a memory
your heart feeling mine
the painful past confined
to beautifully written lines
of poetry
to be read, and forgotten,
by us both

I had to reconsider my reality again

How many times do I have to get lost in your eyes

Lost in my thoughts of your body and mind

Your eyes were just mirrors though

This was the final break

Now I can heal

Alone

Fooled me twice
So I guess that's shame on me

Second laptop stolen from my own backseat

That is on me
so I can't even be mad

Instead I get to reminisce
When times didn't seem
This bad

I am damaged
Self-inflicted wounds
And right now, that is all I ever will be
There is no point in pretending I'm not broken

the few moments I find clarity
she molds effortlessly to doubt
ruthlessly she steals my smile
holds it hostage with my worth

shes the first to say good morning
and the last to say goodnight
clinches harder to my body
when I focus on the light

*She finds her clarity in the moments I lose mine

heat escaped from your arm to mine
I needed to feel your warmth one last time
but as the temperature of your body
steadily declined
so did the light
in my eyes

never would have thought your birthday could be this painful
years have passed me by and im still here
face turned back towards the past
some days it seems like looking back is the only way I can keep breathing
you existed and then you stopped
every day since has unfolded in slow motion
scared to move past what my mind replays
scared to move at all
heat escaped
from your arm to mine
and as the temperature of your body
steadily declined
so did the light in my mind

there is nothing in the world I would rather do
than spill my tragic and triumphant truth
on purpose
writing tricked me into loving me,
let me believe that I am here
right now
*on purpose

"Mommy is a hero
she fights off bad guys with polka dots"

Working with children is rainbow and sunshine

when their light
meets mine

it's love

I Worry because
My reflection
Is a woman I find weak
Some say worry is a mental wobbling
The hesitation before making a choice

How can I let this happen
Watch
As my Worry lives my life without me

Falling into your arms
Makes me feel stuck
It was just a dream

What is a dream
But fragments of our own reality?

It's true
I want to lose balance with you
I want my face held in your hands
Your body against mine
I want you

But what I need is me
A lifetime
My needs have spent being Ignored

Your love, salt to my wounds
Let me heal

don't you see
the rays drip golden crystals
a beauty to make any man weep
wind chasing leaves and ringing chimes
each moment just waiting to be heard
and the sun
she dances all throughout the day
waiting for her love
to lift the weight of the world
off your shaky bones

im running out of patience
waiting for peace of mind
anxiety, selfishness, depression
stuck like glue
lifetimes it feels trapped being blue
except when I'm with you
your arms hold all four of us
unafraid of our shade
you love my demons to death
they look back at me with confusion
they always told me you would leave
you only held tighter

my heart is full this new years eve
aware
at any moment
my heart can be ripped to pieces
this ticking bomb
no longer looms in my shadow
time
has stolen pieces of my soul
left me bare
to question my own identity
despite the cruel nature of the clock
I accept and thank you
for your ruthless love

It is love that moves time forward

I'd rather be alone
than lonely
among those who don't accept me as I am
funny how
finding friends
is harder than finding me

uninhabitable love
brown fur
is not to roam
among white snow
our eyes meet
let's find a way
why not
spend our lives defeating doubts
our love is worth
every goodbye

2 pills to keep me moving
3 pills to fall asleep
makes me wonder
if my dreams are more real than reality