you
keep me together
-
my mind plays these tricks
holds back the truth
and underlines the lies
it's so easy for me
to remind myself, I'm not ok
-
you don't know what to say
-
nothing you say can help
so...
I tell you
you're not worth my time
I tell you
I'm not worth my time
you hold me tighter
because 4 years later
you have learned these words aren't mine
you know I am here hiding behind my pride
still, you kiss her ugly frame
god how did I get this lucky
to love and be loved
by a man who loves
both sides of me

I can see clearly now
how loving all my pieces will set me free
how its been that way all along
how I'm capable of doing anything I want with this life

I don't really know what that thing is that I'm meant for

but I do know that I'm going to find it

1.18.22

When its all of this all at once
Holding it all in is not the answer

strength is not to bite my tongue
and erase an opinion that seeks to be expressed

I do not wish to be a nuisance to the world
But reality isn’t always beautiful
And that has to be ok right?

I mean, we can’t work towards our dreams
every. single. moment. right?

There’s of course distraction

And needing to belong to myself first
And needing to come home to myself,

and not looking for validation
Right?

And not judging others for needing that validation
And not trying to be perfect, or seemingly so

But also not spilling the oil, the tar
From my heart

The venom of being misunderstood

Not sharing that with those who do not see me fully
Whose presence in my house is strictly as visitor
I am able to escort them out when needed,
right?

But what to do when I forget I have the power to say no
What to do when I get so lost that my body feels numb

Each task, an impossible feat

What to do when I begin to break at the seams
What to do when I notice myself judging every single thing about others

I start to make stories about their imperfections trying to make myself feel better
What to do when this pattern ensues?

Accept life as it is sweet Gabrielle,
There is nothing to be done
It is not about surviving or getting through it
It is all there is
And this means that there will be pain
And it will hurt
And you will suffer
And that is truth
And that is reality
And reality is ok

Its truly amazing how lost one can get
In the presence of others

But I didn’t care that you didn’t want the rest of me
Because I didn’t either

I broke
some time ago
watch as my light fades into fear
watch these eyes fight the friction of my mind
watch as my life falls to pieces  once more
I will be right next to you
watching
too

there are too many thoughts scattered in this brain
to make words flow like the milky way
feelings morphe into new galaxies
and i sit here in the midst of it all
wondering how my world is still held up by gravity
the sun as magnificent as ever
the moon so bright despite its surrounding darkness
the universe is happening right now
but so am i
so am i

my god,
you are magnificent

to think,
I stumbled across your soul,
before I even met mine

let me explain
you see, I spent
so much of my time
drowning
so that my friends would float
I lost my tongue
in search of a voice
to call my own

and my god,
is it silly of me to think,
that maybe when I met you
I finally met me

a period between lives
convinced her
writing
would release her soul
how naive, you see
only death
can possibly free life

hungry eyes
lock mine
ravenous smile
shapeshifting tongue
only seconds pass but
I know those eyes
I warn I have a lover
that smile slowly fades
and as you start to walk away
I learn those eyes don't leave when you do
it makes me wonder
if you have ever
even seen
mine

I remember the day I knew I found the person I could die happy having loved

his gentle heart calling my rigid thoughts and showing them that life is beautiful

his eyes do lie but they could do no wrong to mine

I want you to take a good look at this pile of burning rubble
watch as it dwindles down to the last few pieces of fuel

watch as my life loses the light with which he shared
watch as my soul mourns the pieces of me that will die the day it ends

please watch
because I can't be the only person in the world to witness a love like this one

I told myself this love was my story
its strength was where I found mine

watch me
as
i
fall
apart

I am an empty glass of wine
what once was luminous
turned to grime
one time I tried to forget what it was to be alive
the aching love
the painful scars
but my mind wouldn't let any of them go
holding on to each breath I can remember

to be alive
you must accept the grotesque as graciously
as you accept beauty
and so it is painful to be alive
oh
but just wait for the day
you feel love pumping through your veins
wait for the moment you finally see
you are not just this body
you are not just the memories you cling to
Just wait for the day that love is enough

that day
you won't need any other answer

she is magnificent, she is beautiful, she is enough
right now
she is a queen, deserving of her own love & attention
she's a runner, she loves SCI-FI, she loves cooking & reading
she is a good friend, nurturing herself and those around her
shes competitive, but in the sense that she has fun when playing
she takes care of herself, tracks her habits, and monitors behavior
she approaches blockages & sees them as they are
she protects her heart from invaders & limits the world
access to her heart is valuable
she dreams BIG
she does NOT settle

I hate that you inspire me to write
Like I want to write for me

I want my love poems to be about my smile, the way my left front tooth is slightly more hidden than my right

Last night I ate chocolate before closing my eyes

Just to leave something sweet on my lips

Like a hug from a memory of love

Loneliness is an empty shell, my reflection is not this

I look in my mirror and I am mesmerized by the strength pouring from my eyes

Nothing can take me away

Not even the disaster you left for me to come home to

This broken heart of mine is set to auto correct your mistakes and mine

I'll put it on reset mode

In 3...2...1...

Waiting for you is wasted breath

Your love a treasure never meant for me to find

Or maybe the treasure is just a myth not even you attempt to see

A faded riddle too hidden for eyes to meet

eyes open a bit more each time I wake
mind savors the extra space
don't let it end
it's so nice to see the colors of the world