i am told
"be quiet. don't tell anyone."

my body is broken.
my body is torn.
my body is not my body anymore.

i am told
"clean yourself up. get to bed."

my body burns.
my body is stained.
i am ashamed.

i wander back to the bedroom
and find teddy awake.
the look on his face makes me break
on the inside.

"what did he do?"

you know what he did
we all know what he did;
but we have to stay
                                                         q u i e t.

how do you breathe
when i'm not there
i can barely even
exist without you
is it weird that you
never get jealous
or is it weird that
it makes me confused

it feels like i'm drowning
but my breathing is just fine
might not be trapped physically
but i'm caged in my mind
reliving every failure
and worrying about the ones to come
not thinking about what i do
but everything else that i should have done
and they all think i'm crazy
no one understands
not worth the energy
or even a second glance
even those that listen
barely register the meaning
a moment of belonging is
temporary
rare
and fleeting
cause i climb this mountain of doubt
and fall each time i try
to open up and be a better friend
it leaves me cut up inside
because either i'm terrible
and say what i want to say
or i give myself to others
and i slowly go insane
cause to be liked
i have to be nice to you all
being supportive
being there
being kind to a fault
but i'm still the bad guy
cause i'm tired of handling it
cause i'm sick of your lies
and the people that you run with
why must i change myself
when i've already changed my behaviors
time and time again
to make you comfortable
to have a positive impact
to be a better friend
i just feel abandoned
in a time of need
why must i defend
myself every time i disagree
it's just a part of who i am
the choices i make
are based on thought
not on whims
i've given too much
to now in turn let your words
get under my skin
why can't i just feel
why must i lose for you to win
i'm trying so hard
to keep my cool
but the darkness is moving in
the farther i run
the harder it is
for my heart to mend
i run from my fears
neck deep in problems
till i realize i'm in the deep end

reoccurring nightmare
stagnant judgement
my worst moments on a loop
and i can't expunge them

suffocating pressure
emotional outbursts
did i forget how to apologize
or do i pretend to not know the words

manipulative people
asking where i've been
planting their seeds of hate
that burrow beneath my skin

complicated questions
underestimated
heightened expectations
they must be mistaken

late nights into mornings
barely a wink of sleep
so fearful of my nightmares
i won't allow myself to dream

careful but not careful enough
one excess thought
and i go into overload
mechanical failure
completely detached
my mind begins to implode

the rot resides
in the cage of your heart
rusting the bars
making you its slave
though its not stable
it never falls apart
imprisoning your
will to change
neglectful of the present
chained to the past
spoiling all that is just and right
candles of hope
never seem to last
always burning out
in the night