eager to leave
or ready to go
love or settling
i'll never want to know
cause if i don't really
care about you
i'll fixate and obsess
cause i won't accept the truth
but if i need you
i'll push you away
i'd rather feel pain now
and stop feeling so afraid
that you'll come to your senses
and leave me in the dirt
either way i do this
i am bound to get hurt

those i love
are like puddle
when it rains

we jump
and make messes
but in the end they evaporate

briefly present
vanished into
thin air

brimming with joy
drowning in
despair

up and down
left an right
pull me to pieces
don't forget to say goodbye

overwhelmed
clouded mind
left or right?
i can't decide
pulling punches
i don't want to fight
idealization
of suicide
problems gone
problems solved
no more buttons
for them to press
no on, no off
no more mistakes
or being punished
when i am caught
no more thoughts
no more stress
it will all just stop
cause i need a break
for goodness sake
i'm already bound to make a mistake
there's probably another way
but does it look
like i want to wait?

i don't mean to disappoint you
i can only try my best
what use it for me to pour out my soul
when you focus on the flaws of my flesh
what can i say
what should i do
how do i impress
when will what i give be enough
when will i deserve a rest
i'm so tired
but i can't sleep
a toxic cocktail of anxiety and stress
trying to show all of these people i how much i care
but they don't care that i'm a mess
the pick me apart from the way i think
to how i'm forced to dress
i've studied all of their actions to get it right
but i still don't pass the test
sometimes it feels like
i'm the only sane person left
or maybe i'm the one that's crazy
maybe that's why i don't have friends
maybe the reason they are scared like me
is cause they don't hear the things the demon just said
no one else has to deal
with monsters
like the ones inside my head
just reminding me of all the the things
i messed up
and will mess up soon instead
criticizing myself for not being more like them
all of the voices of those who don't believe me merge
telling me how we'd all be better off if i was dead

tell me it will be fine
say anything at all
i'm always listening to you
but do you hear me?

when i whisper i can't
my mind echoes with i give up
do you hear me cry at night?
tear-soaked sleep

i dare not dream of waking up
to face another drowsy day
where it hurts to get up
and be who i'm supposed to be

with all the giggle and the laughter
a pinhead of light in a flood of dark
but when i burn out
who will brighten the night for me?

i wait for a flicker
but the darkness continues to suffocate
after all of my sacrifice
will no one come to save me

i'm just so sad
it's like i forgot how to be anything else
it consumes me
there's nothing to want when i don't have what i need

please
just find me
release me
I CAN'T ******* BREATHE
what's wrong with me
why can't i just be happy

crowded and alone
lonely and alone
you'll never feel like you belong
until you find a home