I scare myself
I laugh at the silence
I cry myself to sleep
I scream at nothing
I cut so deep
I dance when in pain
I prefer the rain
I believe happiness is fake
I don't really like cake
I prefer life to be sour
I can't be optimistic
I love expecting the worst
I think I enjoy being hurt
I have so many secrets
I sometimes give them to the world
I hate this game
I'm not me
I act like someone else
I'm only me around him
I should move on
I hate being in love
I refuse to end charades
I will write my life away

With you
The potential for heartbreak
Always will be worth it

You swear up and down
Happiness is false
And hope is nonexistent
But I don't think you've yet realized
What is right across your face
They walked into the room
And we all felt a shift in your mood
They didn't even notice you
But a glance was enough for a pause in pretending
You act badass and moody
But this isn't some movie
Where you can hide in a corner
And fall in love and be fallen in love with
And even if that happens
I guarantee it won't bring you together
So straighten up
Go and talk to them because there's always a shot
Tell me though
I am taking this too far
Or was that a smile I saw?

No such thing as too much kissing
No such thing as too much love
No such thing as too many hours staring at each other
No such thing as too many cuddles
No such thing as too much longing
*No such thing as too much love

Kinda works for me
I feel better about myself
Actually
It's so weird
I feel good enough to do anything
I really appreciate
The art of being single
I have more self respect
Since he broke it off
I don't have to live
For two people now
I only must
Please myself

I'm confused
Can you help me my dear
I'm feeling kinda lost and alone
I don't know
Where to go from here
But I won't go home
You told me
I was never gonna
Face the world
All by myself
Now I'm sitting here
Lookin' down
From a higher shelf

I'm all alone in this world
Least it seems that way
I can't say that I know
But I'm doin' okay
Yeah it kinda hard right now
Oh it's kinda tough
But I gotta stick it out
Like a diamond in the rough

Once upon
Some songs ago
I thought I met my prince
Now I know
I was so wrong
I've been healin' since
I'm pavin' my own little road
All on my own
And I must say I'm **** proud of myself

I'm all alone in this world
Least it seems that way
I can't say that I know
But I'm doin' okay
Yeah it kinda hard right now
Oh it's kinda tough
But I gotta stick it out
Like a diamond in the rough

Cuz I'm all alone in this world
For now anyway
And I don't care anymore
It's gonna be this way
Yeah I'm workin on lovin
Me and myself
And yes
Oh it's really tough
But I will stick it out
I'm a diamond in the rough

Angry full of fear
Hiding in a shell composed of
Bitchitude and ****-yous
Just so afraid that love could never exist

Still fearful but not threatened
More self cognizant
Grown and shapen
Molded into **** well told you sos

Wrist slashing
Head bashing
Shot downing
Second hand high hounding

Poetry slamming
Novel pounding
Music writing
Run sighting

Broken mess
Seventeen hundredth choice
Self hating
******* in the making

Confident
Stitched together
High held chin
Knowledge of worth

My oh my
Have I come a long way
From just six months ago
Even if I didn't start changing
Until just three weeks ago

And I realized
he is the sun
but so am I
We just shine differently

First
You put on your best face
Because you are unprepared
To bear any flaws
That appear in your
Outer
Self, where you are sewn together
With a thin loosing thread
That once it breaks
Will reveal things
Inner
Because you've gained
Some form of confidence
Through compassion
And you know you shouldn't
But you expect it to
Last*
So the final goodbye hurts
Far more than it would've
Had you not gotten involved
To begin with

I couldn't breathe
I couldn't think
But I could feel
And that is the most power
I will ever know

Crazily, I fell heels over head for your
Unique state of mind, without knowing I'd
Never be able to cease loving you
T*o the ends of this hate filled world

I couldn't fully love anyone
Because I'd never loved myself

Cranking out poem after poem
I have too many emotions
That need to spilled
And will only be satisfied
In the form of poetry
It's like a broken up rant
That I can't stop
And I'm still going

It seems to me to be
A pointless exercise
And a waste of energy
Trying to pretend I'm you
And never be me
It's too much work
So I respectfully decline
Thank you however,
For the sardonic invite

the last time is the first time
but the first time is not the last time
i called again
for help
for strength
but received none
because my call
sounds like a single drop of water
hitting a swinging fan
that screams like
swinging axe blades
i am voiceless in a world of noiseness
so i must scream and holler
but still no one would hear a single thing
because if it was my idea
it becomes their own
and i am left behind

There ain't never been an ego like yours
And sometimes it's due to fear or raisin'
But I can't blame your mama for this one
It ain't your daddy's fault either
This time it's definitely you
But that's all water under the broken bridge now
I won't ever stop believin' in these dreams that you chase
Because maybe one day you'll see
All your anger and angst
Was silly but necessary
Because it got you here today
Everyone believes in somethin'
Be it a religion, Fate, luck, or a person
And of all people, hunny, you need
A lot a believin'
Ain't nobody ever thought you'd fail in life
Mostly 'cause you scare the hell
Out of us all
But I ain't scared no more
Because I know you
And I know it's just an act
So come on home and we can set
All quarrels aside
And darlin',
Bless your soul

You sick twisted foolish
Man child that can hardly have emotion
You may haunt my mind
But you can't be he cause I ice my heart
You're a lost boy
With no place to call home
The past is a memory
A ghost
But because of you
It's a banshee
I can't live much longer in this state
Because everywhere I go
You follow me there
Just because your father
Is an abusive piece of work
Doesn't mean you have to be
Maybe you don't realize
What it is you do to girls like me
Girls like Mo
Girls like Em
All us mentally unstable due to rough situations
But you put us through hell
And never just once
I loved you
Past tense
Maybe present
Possibly future if you were to change
But you destroyed my entire being
Girls like us need build me ups
Not abuse me down
Maybe you don't recognize this form of abuse
Because it isn't the kind your father exhibited
But it hurts just as much
If not more
Abuse is still abuse
You told me time after time
You'd do anything to not be your father
But here you are on this abusive path
You asked me once if
When we were married
I'd let you shoot your gun in the house
And you begged me to say no
But I told you
If you aim that gun at me
Or my kids I'll ******* leave
Because no way in hell would
I put with that nonsense
Yet here I still am
Standing by while you
Unknowingly abuse me

I know I must sound like a record
With a scratch in the wrong place
Sk sk ski skipping but st st sta staying
On the same line
But I miss my best friend
And I could really use a friend always
Isn't that what we all want
I had a Bailey but I was mean
And she took herself away from me
Rightfully so but that doesn't make me
Less sad
And now I'm stuck here missing
My Miss Bailey Lee Ann something awful
I must be in deep **** with her
Because I can't confidently reach,out
Without fearing rejection and blocking
But Bailey
If you read this
Please know I love you
I miss you
And I wish you
Would come back

A white man on his ivory horse
Knock, knock, knocks on your doorstep
He is a gentleman, but his patience is short
Without permission he'll walk in to take your breath
He means no harm, for he is not rude
It's only an occupational hazard
He won't judge you for your past as
Your soul hugs his waist atop his equine companion
Who carries you,
Draped carefully in clean yet dirtied rags,
And him,
Elegant in armor but soaked in sadness,
Around you glows a light that is about
To be engulfed by darkness
"May your soul be laid to rest"
The beautiful man you know to be your reaper
Whispers as he drops your soul
Into the depths of a heretical hell

I am told
And I want to believe
You are everywhere
And you are everything
But lately
As I have been losing sanity
I've lost sight of you
Where are you now?
Isn't there beauty in the thought
Of madness
Rushing in a bubbly river
Boiling over the banks
Of my mind
There's a certain peace
That comes with the concept
Of going bonkers
But Poetry, I can't find you
It's driving me up a hall
And down a wall
Twisting and turning
Every time I think I found you again
The door slams on my pinky
And my eyes flood with crazy
In losing my mind
And I need you to find me
Because
****** Poetry,
Where did you go?

It's finally here
My favorite month of the year
The leaves,
The scent,
The love,
The warmth,
The cold,
All of it swaddles me like a baby blanket
It's glorious
The truth comes out
On the final night
Throughout the month
Celebrations galore
October, October
It means so much more
Than given credit for

I can look him
In the eye and whisper
"I love you"

On my side of the bed
Is a broken picture frame
From when I got a little too drunk
And you ****** me off
A CD and brand new journal
With a pack of unused pens
Waiting for inspiration
There are articles about the storm
That stole you from me
The sheets are torn and tangled
From many sleepless nights
The lamp with a broken shade
You said had character
And an unopened roll of Smarties
Because maybe
If I can make them pants you'll come back
But worst of all are the jars and jars
Of pennies hiding under the bedframe
For every kiss I wish I could give

I am most definitely an agnostic
With interest in conversion
...
But I am also a human
With an interest in him
...
So I agreed to go discuss religion
Even with a third party addition
...
Over stereotypical American coffee
Lacking nutrition but filling with happy
...
I listened to testimonies of growing up Christian
I think they forgot about my religious disposition
...
At the end they both prayed
And he was wishing I'd stay
...
I guess I'll be in pews on Sunday holding his hand
But really I'd do anything to hold it again

I want to be picked up in
One of his cars
Preferably the Chevy truck
With a smile 'cross his mug
Saying how long he's been waiting to see me
Even though it's only been a few hours
I want butterflies to destroy my stomach
And I want him to take my hand
As he drives like it's always been that way
I want to go to his favorite restaurant
And let him order for me
Because he knows what's good and what I like
I want him to look up at me while we're eating
And tell me there's something
Right...
Right...
There and kiss me
Not passionately, just a peck
I want him to take my hand confidently
Then open my side door and kiss me again
I want him to drive aimlessly for miles
Throw the car in "park" randomly
Lean over, tossing his seatbelt to his door
And kiss me over and over and over
Until our lips are entirely beestung
I want him to take me to the movies
And allow me to watch the film
Clasping my hand through its entirety
I want him to walk me out of the theaters
Pick me up and spin me around
Making me feel like a girl
I want him to stop some place sketchy
But with a florist around the corner
I want him to kiss me again
Before he gets out and locks all the doors so I'm safe
I want him to come back with a bouquet
Of red tulips with a note that reads:
"See, I remembered"
I want him to tell me he loves me
I want him to grin while I sob lightly
Then gently kiss my tears away
Tenderly wiping them from the planes of my face
I want you to feel proud and know my love
I want you to drive me home
Holding my hand the whole way there

Punk pop rocks
Spark excitement in my stomach
A roiling sizzle of dreams
Erupting like a rocky mountain volcano
Bubbling even in the season of dormant
My tongue and mind awakened

A cup of life
An ounce of faith
A teaspoon of pain
A pound of love
A dash of heartbreak
A pinch of sass
A tablespoon of sarcasm

Stir together in that
Pretty little head of yours
And take a nap
Let bake for several hours
(time varies depending on
how badly you need this
pick-me-up)
Add in three cloves
Of happiness
And enjoy

Refresh as needed
And don't forget
To smile

Add a poem to my heart
Something that will leave me
Different,
Maybe better,
Than I had been before
Add a poem to my mind
Something that will make me
Dream and strive
To not ruin my life
Add a poem that will
Add to my soul
My being
My way of living
****** add a poem
That has some meaning

It's hard to have a voice
When you can barely breathe
It's difficult to speak
When you are being crushed by giants
It's painful to attend
When you feel such fear
It's hard to have strength
When you are wholly belittled
But it's hard to be weak
When you're forced to be strong
It's hard to make sure your makeup won't run
When you face tears every day
It's hard to have hope
When you only see hell
It's a struggle to admit
When you're being bullied
And know you can't help yourself

I'm broken
Not bent
I need to remove all this awful
That weighs down on my soul
I'm skeptical
For all the right reasons
But I'm at a new low
Beyond suicidal thoughts
I know that will solve nothing
I've reached the ultimate zero
And I'm ******* dying
I'm starved for love and validation
I'm told I don't need
I'm hurting so much
I'm yearning for someone to hold me
And I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep
Making kittens suicidal
Heaving silent wails
And desperate cries for help in
The never ending wavepool
Of life that doesn't hear the weak
And emotionally disabled
Beg for equality
And plead for
Love
So God if You're listening
Please ease all this hate
Breeze away all this pain
Because I've been hurting
For ten long lonely years
And I need some validation
Right about now

I have a question
I promise just one
But in order to ask it
I need you think
Of life without hope
Of hope without life
I need you to remember
The worst thing to have ever
Happened to you
And then the best
I need you to reflect on
All your broken heartedness
And on all the hearts you broke
I need you to know where
You are right now
And where you want to be
I need you to believe
That everything you want
Is attainable
And that everything that
Has happened before
Needed to happen
I need you to dream
Up every beautiful possibility
There is in the world
And not imagine
Every bad one
So my question now is this:
Is throwing away
Your life to that blade,
That noose,
That bottle,
Really worth it?
Because I believe it
Isn't

The human heart has the loudest language imaginable
It's entirely universal
Yet also frighteningly individualistic
There's nothing that sounds worse
Than a heartbreak
It's messy and silent
With forced screams and (un)shed wails
It sounds like a body hitting the ground
After diving off the Empire State Building
It feels like death
And in some ways it is
Heart aches remind us we're living
With faint pangs of memories
After the heart break
It's the aftershock of a human made earthquake
It rocks your world
And brings tears to the eyes
Sometimes it's worse than a heartbreak
Because it's the resurfacing
Redamaging
Of those memories and that pain
Heart yearns are so natural
And caused by something
Simple as a crush
And complex as real as true
Earnest and genuine love
There's nothing more pure
Than a heart yearn
It's hope and light
Dashed with brilliancy and fear
Because there is nothing more exhilarating
Than the unknown endeavors of a heart

Your silence screams everything I didn't say, but should have

When everything else "good" left
Hope remained throughout the chaos