All people wait
They wait for the same thing
And that thing
Is something worth waiting for

It's hard to be happy when you are always telling me how many times I've ****** up.

My life is already crashing and burning,
So I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.

You are much too cool to date anyway.

It's getting harder and harder to sleep alone.

A bright flash
A blinding light
That was me
Then I am out of sight

I fly right through
Passing by
Not staying long
So do not sigh

Do not miss me
I am nothing new
Just a phase
Not a special few

I am always on
Shining bright
I don't stay forever
I know its not right

I never stay
I am a rolling stone
No moss for me
I am alone

The sky is huge.
So big, like the ocean on a calm day.
But without all the friendly fish to keep the water company
The sky is all alone to face the world
With no one on his side.
Not even the birds or the clouds stay forever.
The sky is never truly happy.
The sun leaves,
The moon leaves,
And we leave
We leave the sky to fend for itself
We are cruel just because we are human
How do we live with that?

It'll **** you
They said
As I light one more cigarette

It's bad for you
They said
As I pulled another out of the pack

You'll get addicted
They said
As I buy another carton

That's the point
I said
Watching the smoke disappear

There is this girl I know
She used to be happy and carefree
She used to laugh and dance
Always seeing the good things in life
In people
Always receiving good in return

Until she stopped receiving good
She received pain
And suffering
And loss
She tried to stay happy
She really did

Then she meet him
He made her scared
He made her quiet
He made her behave
But in the worst way

He left
But she didn't fully come back
Her smiles were a little more forced
And her laughs a little less real

Then he died
She cried
He was her grandfather
They were close
She broke

Time healed her wounds
But they would never close completely
Leaving a gap
Making it easy for someone to slither in
And break her

Then he came
He made her strong
But only when she was with him
He made them one
Attaching hooks in her still open wound
She said no
He said yes
Then he left

She was now half there
But no one knew
Cause she didn't tell anyone
She still hasn't
Her smiles were now plastered on
Her laugh a little more harsh

Then she left
Without a word
Leaving her wondering
What she did wrong
Still to this day
She doesn't know

Now she's here
Pieces being held together
By cigarettes and Jack Daniels
By a pen and notebook
Leaving her smile in pieces
Her laugh in the dark
And her heart destroyed

But no one knows
Cause she hasn't told anyone
But when I look into the mirror
And see her staring at me
I know we never will

You walk down the hallway
With evil glares
Curious stares
Keep walking
A smile or two
But only a few
You get to your class
Just waiting for the time to pass
You finally get home
And go up stairs
A cut
Maybe two
If its bad enough
Then you go downstairs
Put on a smile
Pretend to be happy
For dinner
You push your food around
Then you go back upstairs
To throw up the two
Bites of food you ate
Go to sleep
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Until you can't repeat anymore
Then you get the rope
And the stool
By then its too late
The stool is gone
And all that's left
Is the rope
And you want to go back
But it is
Too late
Too late
Too late
**TOO LATE

I am front and center
Everyone is looking at me
I feel my heart pounding
I see my hands shaking
They expect so much
When I have so little
The silence
Has never been so loud
They tell me to begin
Thats when I forget
Everything I am supposed to remember
Why do they expect so much?

The judge looks at me
Waiting  for me to begin
I look around the crowded room
And I begin
Lucky to have the script in my hand
Everything flows back
I am no longer me
I am the person in my poems
They don't want me
They want her
That is how I win
To be anything
and everything
But myself

As I finish
I leave mouths open
I leave tears running down faces
I look around one more time
With the pained expression still evident
I bow and as I unbend
There is a small smile
Across my face
The rupture of applause
Is nothing compared to
The blood pounding In my ears

As I sit down
I get high-fives
And approving nods
They smile at me
Because they think I was just acting
But behind every act
There is truth

My conscience
That has been there
Since I was four
Making sure
That I wasn't in trouble

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Long, straight brown hair
Chocolate eyes
Freckles cover her face
Extremely tall

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Shy, but outgoing
Depending on who's around
Impossible to stay mad at
Makes bad choices
From time to time

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin


Silent treatments
Loud fights
Best Friends

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

She is a rock
She is string
She holds things together
She calms the sea
Or starts a storm

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Embarrassing moments
Weird looks
Always crazy
She gets through the bad things
Helps start the good

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Puzzles, swim team
Life changing
Life calming
Starts Chaos
She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Two sides
Same coin
Same person
Different personalities
Quiet in public
Crazy in not

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Keeps things going
She is a bank
A bank of secrets
She keeps the vault
Locked

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

She is like a storm
And the calm before it
Chaos and control




She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Listens to music
Like the rest of the world
But yet, doesn't conform
At least not completely

She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

Easily molded
But not easily shaped
She is not always there
Yet she is


She is string
She holds me together
She is a storm
Starts chaos
She is a two sided coin

She taught me
That I
Didn't have
To be
Completely
Alone

I am loud and strong
I wonder what my music sounds like to someone else
I hear the hearts of the people beating with the a drum
I see the tapping and nodding in sync with the tempo of the world
I want to be able to bring someone to tears with a string of noise
I am loud and strong

I pretend the world is not conforming into one mold
I feel my heart aching for the years that were meaningful
I touch the strings that hold me together
I worry about the ignorance of today's people
I cry when I listen to the world's new sound
I am loud and strong

I understand the feeling of the mix of chaos and control
I say I am brave when in reality I am the opposite
I dream of a reality fit to my ears
I try to tune out the false feeling about the "cool things" people strive for
I hope people realize the error in their ways
I am loud and strong

Ask me why I am sad
Ask me why I no longer stay around to talk
Ask me why I have bags under my eyes
Ask me why I flinch when someone raises a hand near me

Ask ME

Don't ask my exbestfriend
Don't ask my parents
Don't ask any of my current friends

Because they are the reason
But they don't even know

It's what I'm under

I will be skinny
I will be pretty
I will be anything you want me to be

I won't eat
I won't tell
I won't do anything you don't want me to

I can be perfect
I can do it I swear
I can be anything you ask me to be

Just promise me it will be enough

My eyelids are burning
And I don't know why I'm still awake
It's 3 AM and I just want to sleep
But for some reason I can't
And it's not because of a certain person or a certain event
I just never felt the need to be asleep even though being awake *****
I'm so tired
And I'm so exhausted
And I'm so done with being awake past 3 AM  
I have to be up in five hours
Did you know you're the first person to ask me why I stay awake
Multiple people ask how
But you asked if was it was insomnia
And I just said yes
Because I didn't want to tell you that the nightmares are so bad that I rip my hair out in the  middle of the night
I wake up sometimes with my hands bleeding because my nails have been digging into my palms with fear
I wake up to my leg spasm
They've been tense for hours
I can't do this anymore

I'm breaking down
I'm actually breaking
The cracks have gotten too big
It's flooding
My tears are rushing down my face
They won't stop
It's too much
I can't handle it
No one can
It's impossible
The pressure
Was building
Is building
Always will be building
So I broke
I'm breaking
I will never stop breaking
Till I'm shattered
And I become like the rest of the world
It will break me and
Make me like you
Responsible
Boring
Uncreative
A contributing member of society
I get it now
It's pressing us down
Into their mold
So we all fit
I understand now

I could tell you about the way he looked at me
Like I was a deer head above the fire place in his basement
Like I was the first place trophy he just won simply by existing
Like an object to be obtained
To be won
Sure as hell not to be asked

I could tell you how I mistook that look for love
Like he wanted to be with me
Like he cared about what happened after he was gone
Like a lover
A friend
Someone who actually cares about you

I could show you where he touched me
Physical and metaphorical
On my body
And in my subconscious
Making me flinch when a hand is raised
Or when I see the red dress that "just didn't fit right"

I could make you fall in love with him
With his sweet words of forever and always
His promises and wishes
The way he carded his hands through my hair
And the way he kissed down my neck

I could do a lot of things
And so could he
The only real difference is
I know where the line is.

***** writing
  **** poetry
   **** happiness
   **** prosperity
     **** ambition
      **** love
       **** greatness
        **** living
         **** fulfillment
          **** light
           **** good
            **** strength
             **** self control
              **** self preservation
               ********* for making me so weak

My sister said I didn't raise myself
And maybe, in some ways I didn't.
But she doesn't understand
Just because we had babysitters
And that people were around
Doesn't mean that they raised me.

All my life I have been taking care of the people I love.
My friends
My family
Making sure if someone got hurt,
It was me.

My sister said that she grew up fast
But I grew up faster.
If I was to be loved then I had to be old,
I had to be an adult.

I'm not saying my life was always hell.
But if it was, then my family were demons
And I was the queen.

I protected my people
From a throne made of broken dreams
And a lost childhood.

The black on my soul will not
Wash off. But I was just protecting them.
I was their savior

**But they didn't know it

The sun doesn’t shine
here
the moon is nonexistant
here
insanity takes over the mind
here
you as mightas well be blind
here
in my head
you are here

1.When you look at me my stomach fills with butterflies.
2.Your laugh makes me laugh, even when I'm not supposed to be part of the conversation.
3.** When you smile at me I can't help but smile stupidly back.
4. I can't help but blush around you, even though we see each other frequently.
5. The signals you are sending are giving me a headache.
6. I've memorized your eyes.
7.My friends make fun of me because of the way I act around you, but I can't seem to mind.
8.This thing I'm feeling isn't love, but it makes me sick in a good way.
9. I really hope you don't know this is about you.
10. I hope you know this is about you.

I am a shadow compared to your sun.
I am the mistake that can’t be undone.
I pretend to belong though no one cares.
I will not be redone because of all your stares.
I may not have wings but I will soar.
Even to you I am no bore.
Think what you want I am here to stay.
You made my joy fade away.

Even if they say
That they
Will change
Walk away

After every hit
Spirit in the pit
Don't believe at
Their *******

Don't even waste your time
To think of a better rhyme
For them
Leave the ******* behind

Because bruise after bruise
Only being used
As a punching bag
Treat him like old news

Because he will never stop
Your confidence will drop
Into oblivion
As he continues to plot

Every hit
He's making a list
To ruin
Bit by bit

So listen to me now
Don't wonder how
You deserve this
He will work you like a plow

So what you should of heard
Of a story so absurd
As a girl letting a man beat her
Because she thought she was a nerd

But no one should ever be treated like that because we are all human beings.

I will stay
If you want
I will leave
If you want
I will live
If you want
I will die
If you want
I will heal
If you want
I will break
If you want
But
I want
You to need me
I need
You to want me
I know
You don't
I can't
Keep pretending
...
Will no one save me?
No one will save me.

There are people all around me
Though I see no one
Gray blurs, different shapes
But no faces
I am alone in a sea of people
No one will listen
No one will listen to my story
The one that is buried in time
I could scream
But no one would hear
Not the fish, nor the birds
Only me to hear my story
The story buried in time
Though it does not affect the todays
It affects the yesterdays
The yesterdays from which we came
To ignore it is to ignore ourselves
To ignore what ignites our passion
And our will
And our will to live
Our immense will to survive
The story buried in time tells
Of life in heaven
Life without corruption
A perfect life
A life where we may see love
Not hate or greed
Just everything as it was meant
To be seen
Pure and light
Black and white
No gray blur
Na unrecognizable faces
Just black and white, love and hate
A place where we are not welcome
Not in our mortal lives
But our immortals souls have
The secret password
Till then we are banished
We know what we do
But not what we did
Because that story
Because we are ignorant
Is buried in time

I just don't care about anything anymore
All I want to do
Is get ****** up
Get ******
And have fun.

Some say they want to live forever
They say they never want to grow old
They say it would be easier
But
What they don't know is the pain
The pain of watching
Everyone you love die
Knowing you will never join them
Soon you decide it would be better
To be alone
Loneliness will be all they have left
The longevity if immortality is
No longer inviting is it
Because no one wants to be alone
Never growing old
Never knowing love
Always alone
That is the price of the wanted
Immortality

It's too loud
Everything  is just too loud
They are everywhere
Shouting
Screaming
More screaming
Shrieking
It's too loud

I don't think I handle this anymore
The sneering
Staring
Lying
Whispering
Begging
More begging
Pleading
I can't handle this

I need you
They want you
But I need you
The hugging
Kissing
Holding
Cuddling
More cuddling
Loving
I need you

F
A
L
L
I
N
G
Faster and faster
Harder and harder
Flying without the ability to stop
Grasping at anything to slow me down
Dying slowly
Quickly falling
Not knowing what was at the bottom
Falling in love is scary, I know
But falling in love with you
Is something I am very used to

Smiles are my favorite part of a person.
And yours
Yours makes a room two thousand times brighter

Eyes are the most beautiful part of a person
And yours
Yours make my heart skip a beat

Lips are the most enticing part of a person
And yours
Yours make my lips tingle just at the thought of kissing you

You are the best kind of person
And you
You are what makes me get out of bed in the morning

No one knows
What happened that night
They night the four girls
Decided to join there sister

A window took the youngest a couple months before.
She fell on a railing
Because she couldn't take it anymore

The next was the oldest swinging from the fan
Decided no one understands

Next was the middle child head in an oven
She felt like nothing

Second to the top was stuffed with drugs
She didn't feel any love

The last to go as only 14
She sat in a car and it filled up with steam

No one knows what went on in the house
Just that 5 young girls were dead now
An overbearing mother shutting them in
She couldn't stand anymore sin.

Ring
First class
Pain
That's making it hard
To breathe
Ring
Can't focus
Mind wandering
Pain
Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring**
More classes
More pain
More fake smiles
More failing
More stress

More pain
Because
Of you
Of what you said
I can hardly breathe
Without cringing
Is this
A broken heart
Is this what everyone talks about
The absolute
Utter blankness
That now
Fills the place
Where you're heart
Is supposed to be

I can't even breathe
Because of you
I can't sleep
Because of you
I can't think of anything
But you

Heart shattered
Soul tattered
Confidence battered
And it doesn't matter
At least not to you

So when you see
Me getting worse
Don't feel bad
Because its all
Your fault
But you don't know it
So I guess
I will keep pretending

Everyday I see you
And everyday
My heart beats faster
I have had crushes
But this is something more
Something exciting
Something beautiful
But the problem is
You don't feel it

I stare into the light
As it grows bigger
As if to welcome me
Like I found somewhere I belong
A light, so bright

It stopped short
It changed its mind
Decided it was not my time

No, I will have to keep suffering
Pain, loneliness, hatred
The light left me

Why won't it consume me
Am I not worthy
Of course not
I knew that
I would only dim
The bright, white light

I am a girl.
I have long hair and I love pretty things.
I wear make up and I probably spend too much time in the mall.
But all of that doesn't mean that I am a pushover.
Most people look at my blonde hair and smile and assume I must be dumb because I am nice. And I am so tired of being pushed to the side because my heels are higher than they should be and I love to dress up.
And I don't dress up for you, or him, or her.
I don't wear makeup so you think I'm pretty.
I do it for myself.
Not for the catcalls or the leering stares.
And just because I spend more time playing with lady bugs then sticking to the man doesn't mean my opinions don't matter.
My worth is not measured by how many people are afraid of me.
By the amount of hearts I break or the number of times my heart was the one breaking.
And when I said no I meant it.
And when I said stop, you didn't listen because you thought I didn't know what I wanted.
But I knew I didn't want you.
And you treated my body is on public display, like I was some statue for you to touch and admire.
But I am not a piece of artwork that is up for public discussion.
I may be indecisive, and emotional,
I may cry over the death of a book character in the middle of study hall,
But that is my choice.
It is my choice to not pretend that I am not constantly overwhelmed with one million different emotions.
And it is not your right to ask me about it.
Did anyone ask if Joan of arc was in her period when she went to war?
No because she was armed to the teeth with ax and sword.
But you know what, I have armor too.
It may be long flowery skirts, and beads in my hair, but it's mine.
And I will fight till my last breath if it means my body is mine.
If it means that her body is hers, and his body is his.
I don't need you to "protect" me.
I don't you constantly looking over my shoulder and thinking that what I am doing is not my choice.
I am not trying to make some speech about how I am better than you because I am not
We are equal in every way and you need to see that.
She is not better than him and he is not better than her and they are not better than them
And we, we are all the same we all have fears and we all cry sometimes.
It's not up to you which parts of my body are mine and which parts of my body are yours. Because it's all mine and none of it's yours.
Even if I let you close to it doesn't mean I'm giving you permission to touch it.
And you need permission to touch it.
To touch me.
But you didn't have it and you say that's my fault.
That it's my fault that you couldn't control yourself.
And I believed you,
But that was so long ago and I am so much better now.
I don't need you to make me feel important.
I am a girl.
I have long hair and I love pretty things.
But that doesn't mean that I'm a pushover.
Yeah, I'm quiet and polite.
And yeah maybe I bowed my head in submission that night when you told me I wanted this but not anymore.
Now I am going to look you in the eye and say
"No this is mine. The space between my legs is not public property. So you better find another park to play at."

An empty shadow
In your mind
Something you’ve done
Something unkind
An empty page
A missing beat
Something evil
Never sweet
Your blind to the world
Blind to all but thee
The missing memory
No one sees it
No one cares
Your missing something
Something you need
Of course, of course
THE MISSING MEMORY

your eyes close
you do not want to see
the pain and suffering
that you have
created…
you are a monster
you are like me
an unwanted
forced
with no escape
your fate is set
for eternity

On the ground
Her body lays
Bruised
Beaten
Cold
Alone

DOA
Or that's what the man
With the badge says
Cause of death
Is still unknown
And no one knows
What happened

Missing for three
Long
Years
Still only twelve
No one knows the hell
That she went through

No one sees
The crying angel
The sits next to
The body

Long dark hair
In ringlets down her face
Looking at another
Soul lost
Body beaten
Stands up

And grabs the girls hand
And the hand of her
Unborn child
And takes them to
A place of no pain
But no one sees it
All they here
Is a ****** of a bell
And they smile
For no reason

Later they find out
She was two months
Pregnant
With an unknown man
That they never convicted

Be yourself
No not like that
Be yourself like everyone else

Work hard
No not on that
Work ******* things that won't help you

Be happy
No not with that
Be happy with the things we give you

This is not mind control
This is not mind control
This is not mind control

We just want you to be like everyone else
Because everyone else is like us
Get a job behind a desk
Get a white picket fence

Grow up
No not that fast
Grow up when I tell you to

We are exact opposites
So, what now?

Every day
Day after day
I hear yelling and screaming
About the same ****
College and money
But not between my parents
Only between my sister
And my father
He doesn't
Give a **** about me
I am the youngest
The one in the shadows
The one left to fend for herself
They already have
The perfect child
My brother covered that
My sister is the
*****-up
So what am I
Left to be...

I could write such beautiful poetry about you
I could write about how your eyes sparkle when you get excited
Or about how your arms feel when they are holding on to me
I could write about your jawline that could cut glass
Or your collarbones that could hold oceans
I could write about your elegant hands and how they feel when they caress my arm
How they touch me the same way an art collector touches a painting
Slowly and cautiously
Like they aren't supposed to be there
I could write about the way your eyes follow me when I walk
Or how your arms always find their way around me
I could write about the time you held me up
And how I let you
I could do it
It'd be so easy
It'd be so easy about the night we spent laying in the park looking at the stars
Or about the time we first met when you decided holding hands is the best way to travel
About how you rolled down a hill with me a couple hours after it rained
And you gave me your sweater because I was cold afterward
I could write about all of it
But I won't
Because you are with a girl that puts hearts in your eyes
With someone that you feel comfortable and safe with
Even though you are under appreciated
Even though she leaves you in need of validation
Even though I'm pretty sure she is going to cheat on you
I won't write about the chemistry we share
Or the feelings we have
Because you are with a girl who puts hearts in your eyes
But I will write about one thing
I will write about how she may put hearts in your eyes
But I'll put stars
I will take galaxies and give them to you in a perfect little box
Because I know how important they are to you
Because I know how to listen
And I always listen to you

One hit
Feel like ****

Two cuts
They say you're nuts

Three tears
Filled with fears

Four stares
No one cares

Five guys
In between your thighs

Six screams
From your dreams

Seven bites
Lonely nights

Eight plays
No one sees through the facade

Nine sighs
So many goodbyes

Ten pills
And blood spills

They don't remember
The pain of a broken
Heart
Dream
Reality
Hope
They don't understand the
Loss
Hurt
Pain
Suffering
But they also don't remember the
Love
Friendship
Innocence
Ignorance
So they don't remember
What it is like to be a
Teenager
So when they give you advice
It is outdated and useless
But they give it anyway
So when you are hurting
Don't go to your parents
Go to your friends
Or siblings
Anyone from this generation
Because while they say its just a phase
And that it will pass
We are living in it
Us, not them
They forget that
They always do
*Always

When I walk down the street
I see people everywhere
Rushing from place
To place
Not looking
At the corruption around them
The corruption is not evident
nor obvious
It is masked by the
beauty of the
Electrical lights
But really
This beauty
Is the most unhumane
Thing that humans
Have created
It has no emotions
Nor regrets
No needs
Or wants
And is comepletely
Submissive to
Us humans
And our power
Our undeserved power
Over all things
We abuse our power
Unfairly treat
The things that are unlike us
Our pets
Are just that
They get no respect
They have no dignity
And our gardens
Are horrible
Because we are taming
Chaos
And we don't have the right
We even use our power against other humans
That are unlike us
Because of color or origin
Or just the way or what we speak
And also because of what we do or do not believe
Us humans, we claim to be different
Than the wild animals
We claim we are civilized
And polite
Or empathetic
And caring
But really
We are the same as the animals
**Only the strong survive