I wish I could see your name pop up on my phone.
It always used to make my day
but now I feel so alone.
Every time I hear the text tone
I am so eager to see if it's you.
But deep down, I know I won't be hearing from you.

You said you would text, but let's face it
it's just something you said.
You made a promise, and it's not even something
that is going to be kept.

I want you
but you don't love me anymore
If it was me that you wanted
you wouldn't have left.
And now it feels like I have nothing left.

The tears I shed
are the ones that I've kept inside for so long
the fact that you are gone
means I have to move on
It was you
the one I cried over
you made me feel wanted
you made me feel secure
I wasted all this time
when you could've been mine

I didn't know what I wanted
but now I do.
I guess it isn't right
to admit it now,
because you are gone
and there's no way for you to be mine
now.

I kept pushing
saying I wasn't ready.
I finally think I'm ready, and it's too late.
It's over
I ****** up.
I can't even say a word
to make everything go back
to make everything be ok.
I ****** up
it's over
I love you
it's all I wanted to say.

Putting a bandaid on a cut that needs stitches
only covers up the wound
it doesn't make it heal
it doesn't make it stop bleeding.
It just hides the wound.
It doesn't take away the pain
it doesn't make anything feel better
sometimes the stitches are needed.

Sometimes stitches are what you need to heal
It makes the wound turn to a scar
but it helps you get through
whatever it is you're going through.

I don't think I can go on
living with you
you tear me down
make me feel incompetent
and I need to be me

If I can't do that
with you by my side
I am never going to be able to fly

I think it's time for me to rethink my decisions
decide which is the best place for me to live in
I really don't want to leave you
but I think it's what I am going to have to do

Living with you is just not helping me
I am scared to think that I am going to have to leave
Leave the normality that I call my home..
and change up my life and make things different
once again.

If I could
I would do it all over
Redo what I did wrong
Go back to listening to my sad songs
I really would
Contemplate it all
Decide whether or not
Should I have come this far?

At first I didn't think it would help, but look at me now. I am standing here, very much alive. Standing tall with my head held high. Feeling like I can reach the sky. Crawling up in a ball hoping to die, doesn't make you fly. Poetry helped save my life, all because I decided to try. I took the extra steps and elongated my stride.And look at me now; I am ready, I am ready to thrive.

I thought I was ready
ready to move on
I am not.
I really want to move on
on to bigger and better things
but I'm not ready

I am glad to say that I am starting with new beginnings. I am saying goodbye to my old habits, and letting things go. I am starting the life that can make me happy. New beginnings are something new for me, I am happy to be trying it. I am finally starting fresh, and starting my life right. I am getting another chance at making things better, and living the life that I want to live. You only get one life, and sometimes new beginnings are necessary. Make life what you want, instead of it being what it has to be.

People are going to say things that are meant to put you down. twist your life, and sometimes turn it to hell. People can be immature and think that you will fall. There's only one reason that they could do this. One reason in total, when zeroing out all the other options, and that is the fault of one individual thing. I blame it all on stupidity.

I think it's time to face the facts
the facts that things won't be the same
You won't look at me the same, even though I try my hardest to get you to. I can't force this to happen, when this isn't what you want. You look at me as an object instead of someone with value, I shouldn't have ******* everything up, I admit it's all my fault. I want you back, even though you weren't technically mine to begin with.
I have to face the facts
that you are on your own, you want me for an object but not the person I have become. I have grown for the better and forgotten about the worse, if you hold onto me.. I promise we can make this work.
I don't want to face the fact
that I may not be what you want, because I could still be
if it wasn't all my fault. I am the reason that things became so distant. If it wasn't for my stupidity, things wouldn't be so different.
I have to face the facts that
you are who you are, and if you don't want me to have part of your heart, it's fully my fault.

I wish
I could forget you
the damage you've done
and the pain you've brought
but in the end
I want to thank you
for bringing the pain
that made me stronger
Forget You
and the harm you brought me
because at the end of the day
I am who I am
with no thanks to you.

I want to forget you
you've brought so much harm
and for what
your own amusement?
Forget you
because your harm didn't tear me
to the ground.
In fact it made me a rising star

Forget you

Nothing is really forever broken
Everything can be fixed
Tape, Glue, and staples
were invented for a reason
they fix certain things
Communication, journaling, and therapy
are to fix the other things
I am fixable
you are fixable
it may take some time
but it can be
fixed

Sometimes promises can mean everything and nothing.
I could promise you the world, but take that away a minute  later. My promises could tear you down, or lift you up. The simplest things could make or break a person.

It's almost over
the pain I feel everyday
the ways I used to cope
the ways that I didn't think I could get over the things that tore me down
I am stronger
You can be stronger
Everything can be almost over with the help you need
My pain is almost over

If I told you I love you,
would that be enough.
If I told you, you are the only thing I think about,
would you give us another chance.
If I learned how to communicate,
would you take me back.
If I told you I loved you
would you say it back?

I always say
I need out
I need to go home.

Truth:
I don’t need home

I need anywhere but home
I need someone who loves me
Someone to hold me
Kiss me
Hug me
And tell me:
Everything will be ok.

In a way it does mean I need out.
I need out of my “home”
Out of my mom’s control
Out of my mom’s lies.
I just need
Out.

Home is supposed to be where the heart is, but I don't see it. Home begins with one person... YOU! You cannot have a home without yourself. Yourself is the most important part of a home, because it is where you feel safest. If you don't know where your home is, maybe take a step back and try looking again. Home is what you make of it, not about what other people think. Only what you want it to be and where you want it to be. Not everyone's home is the same. " I'm coming home, to the place where I belong." Home is where you belong and you make yourself belong.

My love isn't like everyone else's. I never thought I would end up happy, especially even now. People may try to come between, and I no longer am sitting by and watching things happen. I love him, and I think he is the best thing for me. He cares about me for me, and only wants me to get better. He wants to be there every waking minute, and I'm glad he wants to be. I never thought love was real, but it seems now that it must be.

Do you
miss when I walk by
or when I catch your eye
how about when you see me smile
or when you want to cuddle

Do you miss being able to call me yours
or say, " you will forever be mine."
Do you hate when I flirt with another guy
right in front of your very own eyes

Do you ever think about the future
and what it would be like
if I was there
right by your side

Do you ever want me back?
If you do..
All you have to do is ask.

I lost everything that ever made me happy. I can't find it anywhere. I lost my best friend to god, and now I can only see her in the cemetery. I lost the one I love because I stupidly walked away, and now he want's me back and that will only cause a whole other charade. I lost my friends to other people, because I didn't want to get out of bed to go see them. I lost happiness over the years, when I realized happiness really didn't appear. It was a figment of my imagination, something I made believe, and it was something I really couldn't see. I lost the will to walk this earth, because all I do is hurt. I seem to misplace the time when I actually had the will to survive and now it seems that I don't have much of a life. I lost everything I had because I was always depressed and not very emotionally alive.

My emotions change. For everything and everyone. My love for him begins to subtilize , and I start to second guess my feelings. Is it worth staying with him, when I feel so guilty. I love someone else, but I love him too. Four months with someone, and you build so much trust. One week with someone, and I don't feel the rush. I don't feel the rush I had when I first started dating him. My feelings are now subtle. And I feel like I am a cheat. I can't determine what is real, and I think I am beat. I am cheating.. myself and them. I don't deserve any of them. My heart skips the beat when I see him in front of me... but it's not the one who is new.. it's the one I've been with four months already and I don't know how to say that I am so.. so confused. I don't know what to do.

Cry
It isn't an easy thing to do
it only happens when someone or something
is true to you.
Don't expect the tears to hide behind your eye
let them fly
Crying doesn't mean that you are weak
and incapable
it show you are human and you aren't
afraid to show what you're made of.
It isn't always over something bad or sad
it could just be something that needs to be had
Crying is what makes you human
and if that can't be shown
maybe you better take a look in the mirror
and see why it's not being shown
Don't be afraid to cry
even if there is no reason why
its not something that makes you weak
it's actually proves you aren't afraid
at almost anything or anyone
it's something that makes you who
you are: a stronger person than before
someone who isn't afraid to be strong

It isn't always easy
but if it was
that would be a lie

I may have sad feelings
that make me want to cry
but in the end we're not saying goodbye

It's hard to think
that seeing you everyday will change
but in the end
it will all be okay

I am happy that you made it through
and are on to great things
even though I am a few steps behind
I am glad we survived.

Nothing will change
between you and I
except the fact that you are you
and I am I

I may get mad and say goodbye
but in the end that not what I stand by
We are friends like no other
me and you are unique
and were like no other.

Change can sometimes be good
even if its miles apart
You and I are strong
and we aren't going to drift apart.

I love you with all my heart
and that won't change
because were not at fault.

Please don't get mad
when I am mad
because in the end it's not going to change
the friendship we have

change will come and go
and our friendship will survive
because in the end
you are you
and I am I

You
You are alive
Even if you don't want to be
You ARE

Crazy things happen
and they make us want to die
but in the end
we are
alive

The answer
The answer to all my problems
One cut
Two cut
Three cut
Four
Suicide is knocking at my door

Hang yourself
Hang yourself
Hang yourself from a place very high

And then write your goodbyes:

Goodbye
Goodbye to all to which I spoke
and the ones I loved the most
I'm sorry to have left you all
knowing that most of you will forget me and all

Life will go on
you all will move on
leaving all your sorrows and memories behind
life will be better now that I am gone
you will be able to live very long
no more focuses on my life
you are the ones who are alive

suicide is my answer
and now you all know
but that doesn't mean that it is the end to your show
just because I am the dumb and stupid one
doesn't mean you all should follow


Killing myself is my answer
and that's all I know
I would say goodbye now
but
it isn't time yet to end my show.

It may be near or far
but all I know is
it's just like a star
stars burnout
and so do I

I will burnout like a star in the sky
and now you won't be able to see me fly
Die
Die
Die
Is my heart and soul
and so I will be what I am in my soul
I will burn out like a star in the sky.

I don't know what is scarier
the dark thoughts or the happy thoughts
they both make me very conflicted
and most times I don't know the difference

Dark Thoughts

They consume 99% of my mind
there isn't a time where they don't leave my mind
**** yourself
**** yourself
they scream, suddenly I that's all I think in my mind
Next thing I know,
there I am doing what is being thought in my mind
Slit the wrist
Slit the wrist
turns to be what I do..
**** yourself
**** yourself
and so,
I try to

Happy thoughts

My mind doesn't have many
but when it does it's very scary
Be Happy
Be Happy
the thought wants me to think
but it isn't the type of dream I can believe
Happiness doesn't exist
Just like my first kiss.
When the happy thoughts do come along
they do not last very long
they flash through my mind
like when the wind rushes by
it's there one minute but not the next
and so I am left with a crazy mess

I don't know what to think
but the happy and dark thoughts is what it seems to be
They are scarier than the days that come and go
mainly because the happy ones never show
dark ones always appear one way or the other
and so I do
what they have told.

You

You are a star

Sitting in the sky,

Carrying many bad memories

While you fly by


You last for many years

Coming in and out of my life

You sit around

You make me cry



Then

Then you burn out

Leaving a nasty hole

A big hole in the sky

When you burn out

So do I

When you burn out

You leave the sky


When you burn out

You leave the sky dark and lonely.

When you burn out

You leave me dark and lonely

Fathers....
fathers help us through the rough times
they pick us up when we fall
they teach us how to ride our bikes
the build us to be who we are
there's nothing like them besides them

They seem to make all the problems go away
with a dumpster and a dump to make them decay
No one understands the minds of our fathers
they think and think
of the ways to protect us.

Father, oh mighty
I love you so
and with all my heart
I want you to know

Happy Father's Day!!

She walks away from the game to go contemplate ending her life.
She curls up in a ball in between the punching bag and the chair.

She can't decide how to end her life:
Slit the wrist
Overdose
Hang herself

Everything makes her brain swell.
The depression sets in:
Causing the thoughts to get darker
The urges to get higher
The intention to get deeper.

She thinks
Cancel my showtime

So she did.

She canceled her showtime
And her last words were:

"Cancel my Showtime."