The first time I swam in the sea
I got caught in a rip
Like a tourist
The current turned against me
and took me off the edge of the sand bank
way out of my depth
And all I could think was how stupid I must look
I tried to do all the right things
Not fighting the current
Swimming at an angle
But it was like I was on a treadmill
Paddling hard and going nowhere
Frustrated to see people yards away
up to their waists
where I had just been
walking

When my mind turns against me
I don't notice until I'm off the sand bank
Out of my depth
I am a tourist in my own life
I don't know these waters
and no matter how hard I try
to do the right things
I can't make it work
I'm fighting just to stay in the same spot
just to keep my head above the water
unnoticed
while everyone else carries on walking

That day in the Indian ocean
I came so close to saving myself
minute by minute
inching closer to the sand bank
But as I tired
I started to fall back
and I asked a man to grab my hand
and pull me the last metre
onto solid ground
I felt so ashamed
for needing three seconds of a stranger's time
when I got myself into that rip
and I should have gotten myself out


The day I signed up for therapy
I felt that solid ground come up to meet me
but that same shame
that I hadn't reached it myself
Maybe I could have made it to the shore
if I just kept trying
But I was so tired
and I was falling back


My dad has never reached out a hand
never spoken up and asked to be pulled
the final metre
He stays in the rip
to fight the current alone
He's become a diver there
and learned to breathe underwater
While we walk on our sand bank
and don't notice his bubbles

Sometimes I can't help but wonder
if it's worse to have a skeleton in your closet
or an urn full of ashes

These bones outlasted Halloween
My everyday is October
My ghosts follow me around the world

You may rave about spring cleaning
but some doors are best left unopened
These secrets have a stench

I've heard all the horror stories
All those bones hanging
The silence could wake the dead

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up
and stop being afraid of the dark

When I came here to Australia
they warned me of the sharks
They warned of the spiders
you can step on in the parks
I was told a lot about the snakes
They were so quick to advise
But no one said a ******* thing
about the ******* flies

Now the flies are in the bathroom
and the flies are in the hall
They're buzzing round my bedroom
so I cannot sleep at all
There are flies inside the garage
and there's flies inside the bin
and when I open up the door
another fly flies in

There are flies down at the playground
and flies outside the school
and in our own back garden
they are drowning in the pool
Flies are tangled in my hair
and flies are buzzing in my ear
and I'm wishing for a spider
so they'd ******* disappear

The moment that I step outside
they're crawling up my nose
And if I wear my sandals
they're all in between my toes
The flies are darting in my eyes
so that I can't see a thing
At home we'd say a pestilence
but here they call it Spring

The flies are in the streets
and they're droning through the air
I already can't remember
what it's like without them there
I'm getting sick of walking
with my hands flapped round my face
So what silly sod was mad enough
to colonise this place?

If I had told you
that I was made of mud and soil
and grass and sea water
combined over two decades
you wouldn't have understood.

If I'd said my bones were branches
my hands blooming nasturtiums
my toes pebbles on a beach
on the east coast of England
you would have rolled your eyes.

If I'd said your skin after a shower
smelled like warm ground after rain
and your voice was honeycomb
your kisses strawberry jam
you'd have found it strange.

I've known you seventeen years
yet we don't know each other at all.
If I'd told you everything I believed
you'd have thought me childish.
You never did like poetry.

When I was six years old
you took the stabilisers
from my bike, for the first time

You knew I was ready
You gave me a push
and you let me go

Two months ago
you took me to the airport
to catch my flight

You knew I was ready
to cross the world alone
and you let me go

Sometimes I wobble
But I haven't fallen yet
You taught me to balance

You prepared me for this
then you took my stabilisers
and you let me be free.

I opened old scars for him
because I loved having someone
to kiss them better

His love was a bandage
tenderly dressing my past

I wish I'd known
How much more it would hurt
When he peeled it off again

The lorikeets gather behind the house
A chattering flock that strips the seeds
from the trees
I cannot feed them
Crumbs from my table would be ignored;
they know what's best for themselves

Their flashes of green and blue
yellow and red remind me
that I'm far from home
The birds of Ireland
do not come in primary colours
though they welcome my bread

The girl I met on the beach
told me the lorikeets
are a symbol of hope
Like Noah's rainbow
said "Your journey has ended;
you need no longer be afraid."

She came here from South Africa
but could pass for a local
I am still new to this place
The lorikeets still stop me
in my tracks with their beauty
They aren't meant to live here;
they were introduced

When they flew over us
we both turned our faces
to the Australian sun
Both quietly respecting
any creature that survives and thrives
in a foreign land