ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

I wanted to write something marvelous, something so beautiful it would make you stay.
An ocean of words rushed through my brain
But none of them could create a sentence that was good enough.
I wanted to steal your shoes, just to walk in them and feel what you feel.
I wanted to give you the chills
But you're already so cold that I freeze just thinking of lying next to you again.

They say to
write what you know
but I'm just so
sick of
tragedies

Nobody tells you
it is okay to call yourself beautiful
it is okay to smile at mirrors
and it is perfectly fine
to say your own eyes are pretty

it is wonderful to love your waist
and your legs
regardless of their size
and you are not conceited
if you use your fingers to list
everything you’re good at
rather than point
at all your own flaws

you can acknowledge you’re smart
and that you will go places
and you will be someone
greater than your mistakes

you can’t always expect
other people to believe in yourself
for you

"What you don't understand is that I could spend the rest of my life, listening to you tell me about your day."
-bcg (just one more thing to add to the list of why you should have chosen me)

"I'm scared to leave..
but I can't return
home."

I would have tried to stop you.
but would you have let me stop you?

This is all straight *******.

It was not a selfish act
kissing that semi,
and I accept that.

What I do not accept,
is that I feel I could have done
something.

You turned very quickly from a boy to a man.
Caring for your sisters, being a father figure.
Jenny wasn't there, wasn't the mother she needed to be.
And she still isn't.

Whose fault is it?

I NEED SOMEONE TO BLAME.

Taking your own life can't just be passed off.

I am so happy you are at peace,
but what I fear is what you left behind.

The littles are helpless,
trapped by her, this.

How do I help them escape?

Is there a way?

I can only imagine what pushed you to your limit.
I wish I could have told you I struggle with the same feelings.
I wonder, could it have stopped you?

Is it better you being dead?
…is that an inappropriate question to ask?

I miss you, brother.

If I had known
that it was going to be our last kiss-
I would have stayed in bed with you all day.
If I had known
that it was the last song you were going to sing to me
I would have called for an encore until my voice was gone.
If I had known
that it was our last real goodbye,
I would have told you how much I loved you.

But I didn’t know.
And I had things to do and places to be.
And I was so happy I didn’t think to worry about lasts
because it was only just
The Beginning.