I WANT TO SHAKE YOU
AND YELL IN YOUR FACE:
YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS,
YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HURTING IN THIS WORLD,
SO WHY ARE YOU THROWING THE WEIGHT
OF YOUR HURT ONTO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU
AND DISREGARDING THEIR SUFFERING?
DOES IT HELP?
DO YOU FEEL BETTER?

BUT YOUR TEARS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY
GUILTY FOR MY SELF PRESERVATION
FOR THE FACT THAT I TRIED TO PUT MYSELF FIRST FOR ONCE
I IMAGINE I’D WHISPER:
I’M SORRY.
LIGHTING MYSELF ON FIRE TO AVOID BURNING YOU,
TO AVOID THE CONFLICT OF WAKING YOU UP TO YOUR  ACTIONS
AND THE IMPACT THEY HAVE HAD.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

SO I’LL BITE MY TONGUE AGAINST THIS BRUTALITY
SMILE
AND ALLOW YOU TO WALK ALL OVER ME
BECAUSE IT’S POINTLESS TO TRY TO HURT SOMEONE
WHO IS ALREADY HURTING SO DEEPLY
THAT THEY CAN’T SEE
THE WOUNDS THEY ARE LEAVING IN THE ONES THEY LOVE
AND BESIDES,
I’M NOT THAT PERSON ANYWAY.

i didn’t think i’d live when he fingered me so hard it hurt and i tried to sit up but he pushed me back down and told me it was okay and to be quiet so his sister who was right upstairs in her bathroom wouldn’t hear and when i told him we should stop he laughed like i’d said a joke and i laughed in return because i didn't believe what was happening was actually happening.

i didn’t think i’d live when i was lying half on and half off the couch in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the living room with an eighteen year old man sitting on my chest and my pants undone and my shirt pulled up while he whispered things like ‘it’ll be over soon’ as he held my jaw and ****** himself into my mouth so hard my eyes watered and i gagged and tried not to throw up and said no around his ***** as many times as i could and he just insisted that it was his turn now whatever that’s supposed to mean.

i didn’t think i’d live when i couldn’t figure out what to do about the ******* he’d so kindly left in my mouth and when i thought about spitting it out i realized his sister - my best friend - would see the mess and i didn’t want her to know what he had done or have to worry about cleaning it up so i swallowed it like a champ and the taste of him still lingers in the back of my throat 15 years later.

i didn’t think i’d live when he sat me down with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to go to the bishop for what we’d done and begged me not to tell my parents and held my hands in his as if he was truly concerned about my well being and i nodded dumbly because i couldn’t believe this had happened to me.

i didn’t think i’d live when i ran home weeping and showered until my skin was raw and red and my hands were shaking so hard i dropped the soap three times and i screamed so hard my throat bled.

i didn’t think i’d live when i laid down in the sunspot on my bedroom floor and sobbed hysterically until my younger brother who never cared about me finally timidly knocked on my door and asked me if i was okay and i couldn’t find the words to tell him i’d been ***** so i just told him i’d had a fight with my best friend.

i didn’t think i’d live when food became a burden and my stomach turned on me and headaches plagued me because the weight of what had happened to me and what had been taken from me had become too much to bear and my body was slowly collapsing underneath it.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my mom and dad what happened to me with a choked voice and tears streaming down my face and my mom told me she knew what i was feeling because my uncles - more than one - had sexually assaulted her when she was a little girl and to this day i cannot look at them without wanting to *****.

i didn’t think i’d live when my dad got so angry that his face turned red and i didn't recognize him and he clenched his fists and muttered something about his gun under his breath and i knew he’d **** the man who ***** me if he had the chance but in the same breath that held those threats he broke into a thousand pieces and held me together like a fragile broken doll and wept into my hair and i just wanted to tell him i was okay and i was still his little girl but the words were gone.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my sister about who had ***** me and she felt sick because she had dated him to make me jealous at one point and it had worked and we’d fought over this selfish ******* like sisters do and she wondered how could she have done something so cruel to me with someone who would in turn treat me so cruelly.

i didn’t think i’d live when my ****** called me a **** behind my back and my baby brother my endless protector confronted him at four years old and asked him if he’d really called me a **** even when he had no idea the meaning of the word only that it had wounded me deeply.

i didn’t think i’d live when i told my bishop and hoped that he’d understand and that something would be taken from this man who had ***** me so he’d maybe feel a little of what i was feeling but it turns out he got off scott free and everything he worked for was given to him including his mission and going to byu and my bishop still believes it was consensual even when i told him the story over and over again.

i didn’t think i’d live when i realized that i still wake up every day for the past 15 years and think about him at some point and the smell of a wooden door in the sun makes me want to throw up and the sound of maury povich’s voice is a trigger and sometimes i wish i could tell his wife what he did to me and how he never apologized and never admitted what he did just continued to call it consent over and over again even after i told him no clearly and plainly and how his sister knows now and we’re no longer friends and his other sister thinks i’m just a **** who tried to ruin his life and how sometimes *** still scares me so badly that i want to die and sometimes i still wish i had that day.

no remorse
just blind eyes
you are ******* blind
you take no responsibility
you think you're absolved
of all you've done
claiming to be clueless to what caused
the suffering of the ones you injured
pray to your god
he's not the god i know
yours is false
if he's telling you the things you claim
that you are in the right
dishonest visions
self fulfilling prophecy
false idolatry
with you front and center
cast in gold
for all to worship
bow down to the idol
you cry this to anyone who will listen
see how she's atoned
her might change of heart
the selfish selfish girl
who spilt the blood of innocents
and left ruin in her wake
with no recompense
just bodies mangled and hearts broken wide open
red spilling from the gaping holes
your sharp and lying words caused
one day
the golden idol you built
will fall
you will topple
people will revolt and pull you down
ropes around your neck
with fires waiting
to melt you down
just one way you'll pay for your falsehoods
for your sins
and i doubt anyone will be there
to mourn your falling

where is your god now
the one who reassured you
so clearly
that you were doing the
right thing
where has he gone
now that you're panicked
left alone and scared
i'll tell you
he is no god of mine
he is lying to you
destruction is not noble
it is simply
your way of coping
so enjoy your worship
listen to your false god
continue to let him
drown you in anger
and fear
you'll be left alone
once he's tired of you
then maybe you'll have learned