i would rather not
think about you being
touched and kissed and loved
by someone who is
completely unworthy to do so
who can't even bring you to
fulfillment
who doesn't know just how
you like to be touched
who draws from you those
quiet breaths and loud moans
who is selfish and impatient
and more concerned
with their pleasure than yours

i would rather not
think about these things
but now that i know
they are all i can think about

quietly my heart sits
and waits until
a little nudge
gives me hope
because things don't
just happen for no reason
we didn't wait for so long
to meet again
only for things to fall apart
we will be okay

I was scared

Terrified really
To let you see the real me

I had made so many mistakes

And my soul was bruised

Battered

Full of anger 

And world weary

But you held your hand out

Encouraging me to speak

To bare my soul

And so I did

Letting each piece of my armor

Chip away until I stood

Raw and naked 

My heart exposed and

My soul uncovered

You watched and listened

Examining each corner of me

While I waited 

With shaking hands 

And knots in my stomach

Then you smiled

And laughed 

And told me it wasn’t all that bad

Your sun reached 

The very depths of my soul

Lighting those dark parts

I thought were long gone

And warming the coldness that

I had let consume me

Until I was shining 

And light

Happiness personified

And that’s when I found myself

In your brown eyes

And your goofy smile

In your gasping laugh and

Your perfect hugs

And I never once looked back.

let this water run over
my sensitive skin
leaving burning tracks
like so many tears
i am afraid

or perhaps
we could run
far and fast
until it feels like
we are flying
nothing behind us
but the wind
nothing in front of us
that we do not want there
just freedom
and lightness
weight gone
shoulders unburdened
hearts racing
and palms pressed together
i can run fast
i will keep up
on your mark
get set
go

it has made my skin
into paper
my cheeks dry and hollow
my skeleton visible for all
who dare look
my lips are chapped and raw
i ache in every joint
every bone
every cell
each nerve ending is raw and sensitive
it has made my head ache
and my womb become barren
my skin is velvety soft with the hair
it has grown to protect it from the cold
and i shiver
constantly i shiver
until my teeth and jaw ache
and i feel i will never be warm again

Come with me
Here
Take my hand
I offer it willingly
With love in my heart
And eyes wide open
Our journey won't be easy
The road is long
And difficult at times
Will you?
Won't you come along?
We may have mountains to climb
Rocky and tall
I will push you ahead of me
If I need
But we will peak them
And stand at the top
With breath frosted over and
Arms wide open to the
Glorious sunrise as our reward
Will you?
Won't you come along?
Bring your strong shoulders
You may have to carry me
When I grow weak
And forget our destination
When the thorns in the path
Even those we strew ourselves
Rip at my ankles
And trip me
Bandage my wounds with your
Kind words
And I'll be okay
Will you?
Won't you come along?
The nights will be long and dark
Cold
But I will keep you warm
With a fire I've been building for eternity
The one that was kindled from
Beyond this veil
We will wrap our arms around ourselves
Hold tight to the truths we know
And keep our eyes on the horizon

So I ask you now
Will you,
Won't you come along?

you are more than the
natural man
you are a spirit made of
intelligence
fire
and passion
warmth
light
depth
character
compassion
love
all the good things our
father intended
so see now
how you shine even when
you feel so very dim
a beam that brightens
even the darkest winter's night
and let the veil grow thin
so you can remember
your potential
the potential you were made and born and
raised with
from before you can even remember

But that night
When we stayed up until 3
Talking about nothing
And everything
And the state of the universes
Inside of our hearts
Changed me

When you told me
You were proud of me
And that I was strong
I wanted to become those words
I wanted to live them
To embody them
And to prove you right

Every day I am trying
I struggle
Because my road has so many rocks
And holes
And there are ghosts of
People and memories that
Want me to fail

Then I recall your words and
I know
That someone has faith in
Who I am
And who I could be
And knows my heart when
I don’t know it myself

And that’s the power in my
Heart and
Legs and
Lungs and
Soul
That moves me past each hurdle
And on my stumbling way

brick and mortar
foundations crumbling
a castle no more
this is a broken home
the vines have grown outward
wrapping their strangling
tendrils
around everything
good and bad
it's all the same
destruction holds no bias
as it slowly tears apart
what was once a safe place
nothing is protected anymore
with no roof or walls or
windows
everything will be exposed
and the desolation will
continue
to make it's way through
everything i hold dear
how do i stop it
i'm helpless
how do i stop it

The word floods my veins,
Fills me with so many emotions.
Not one of them pleasant.

Regret -
For letting you into
My heart, my life.

Pain -
For each wound you
Left behind

Betrayal -
For all the lies you
Fed me
Which I so readily believed

Sorrow -
Because you let me go
Without a second thought

Anger -
For the time I wasted
The effect you
still have


You promised me so much
You promised me "always"
And followed through on
So little

Is it any wonder
The word makes me
Burn
Ache
Die just a little?

hands meeting
between our bodies
above your head
touching and tracing
the curve of your waist
that too on your hip
my teeth at your back
soft bites
and slow moans
whispered words
do you like this?
please more
touch me there
don't stop
what would you like me to do?
i'm close
taste and sound
touch and sight
your body is sweat slicked
and rosy with desire
fitting
may i mark you?
make you mine?
please baby
it's a quiet beg
please do
that curve there, it's mine
this one too
i claim them
i claim you
leaving my print on your neck
then your shoulder
the inside of your thigh
and the slow curve of your lower back
that way
you'll remember the way i tasted you
the way my fingers felt
as they dragged along your skin
the sharpness of my bite
and the taste of you on my lips
when we made love
with alcohol in our veins
and lust in our eyes
and you told me that forever wouldn't
be enough
for the love you had to give me

just when i had resigned myself to
loneliness
into my life you fell
loving me without question
lighting up my whole world
you opened the door to my heart
and walked inside
never looking back

my blackness is
oozing out through
my pores
visible though i try my
damnedest to hide it
it's showing my true colors
it's laying all my weakness
bare to your view
i'm terribly sorry
i'm not as advertised
i disappoint myself
so don't worry
if i disappoint you
i understand that i'm not
desirable
or typically wanted
my baggage is far too heavy
and i wouldn't wish that
on anyone
especially a perfectly lovely
gentle and kind
soul such as yours

craving
warm hands
lips and teeth
hands pressed together
thighs tangled
fingers intertwined
breath mingled
backs arched
tongues tracing
tasting
biting
savoring
a pure joining
lustful
and raw
only feeling
no thought
whispered words
soft gasps
sweat slicked skin
heat
and fire
and want
desire
selfish and
slightly mad
until breathing slows
touches soften
kisses become tender
bodies
sated
satisfied
and delightfully
exhausted

sink your teeth into that vein
the one right there
where you can see my pulse flicker
beneath my skin
blue
then red
i present it willingly
have me
take me
i won't resist
my will is gone
spilling the life out of my body is a small thing
compared to the pain i've experienced
at your hands before

scars on scars on scars
they build up over time
thick and tender
so dark
they poison me
my heart feels full of hurt
and empty at once
filling my brain with words
of anger
and hate
and meanness
lies and lies and lies
echoing over and over
as i try to move forward
a reminder of all of the
****** things i've done
and the ****** person i've been
and how many different ways
i've been the source of hurt
don't forgive me
i don't forgive myself
i will live with these scars
let them continue to build up
until they choke me

wrists bruised
bones shattered
blood spilled
i am
conquest
famine
war
death
wrapped up in pale skin
with cold, tired eyes
teeth ground together
as i try to keep
these words inside
i do not want this
i do not want this
but the responsibility rests
on my shoulders alone
so i carry the weight of
the broken hearts
i have left in my wake
mine is there
underneath my feet
trampled and bleeding
no no no
i am not alone
this is not only my fault
i have broken my own heart
but you played accomplice to
the destruction i wrought

confusion glazes over my eyes
i cannot see anymore
someone guide me because
i'm afraid
i do not know what i'm doing anymore
my feet stumble
and my hands grasp for
something
anything
to hold onto
if i sit down and stop thinking
for a moment
maybe this confusion
would leave me
lift
like fog after rain
and then i'll know what i'm
supposed to do again

i feel i'm too big for my skin
like i'm about to burst through
shred it to pieces
and leave it behind me
i'll float away
maybe somewhere nice
where no one has to be around me
and i can stop feeling
so confined and trapped by all
the blackness in my mind

heaviness settles across my shoulders
and i slow to a near standstill
i cannot help it
i am so very weary
tired down to the marrow in my bones
fighting this beast
the beast is me
but is not of my own creation
i am so very tired
allowing the blackness that is inside these veins
to bleed through the cracks of my
bravery and confidence
and contaminate everything in
and around me
stuck in the mire like a lost lamb
i have become what i hate
what i despise
a loathsome creature
with wants that far exceed my needs
wants that cause rifts
that push and pull me in a million directions
draw and quarter me
leave my head on a spike
to stop my destructive path and serve
as a reminder to all
that this monster i have become
foul and ugly
was not of my creation
and cannot be undone

i know that heaviness
the kind that keeps you from moving
freely and without thought
the kind that roots you to your fears
your worry
and the little nagging voice that
tells you you're not enough

i know that sadness
the kind that feels like a deep deep ache
in your bones
and in your heart
it hurts you
your body is sore
and your mind is raw

i know that knot in your stomach
the one that comes and goes
but comes more than goes
frequent and hard
ice cold and crippling
it makes it hard to move
and hard to sleep
hard to do anything

i know that hunger
the way your heart
and mind
and very soul craves someone to
tell you that you're okay
that you're just fine the way you are
that there is nothing wrong with you

i know that anger
how it makes you feel like you're
going crazy
losing your grasp on reality
but everything sets you off
because it's so hot
and fresh
even when it's old

i know
i know

trust me,
i know.

i'll dim my light for you
i'm too tired to fight anymore
excuse me while i douse this fire
and allow you your time to shine

killing field
inundated with
so many bodies
so much heat and pain
make me forget
everything i have witnessed

there's anticipation in the air
a hint of something to come
my soul can't see if it's good or bad
and it's unnerving

all i know is that my stomach is
knotted in this waiting
for something that i don't know
will come or when
maybe it's just the threat of the unknown
the lingering anxiety that comes with time

all i know is that i want it to stop
and let me rest
let my mind and heart be at peace
and let me feel that comfort that comes
with familiarity

i know you

the small slight smile that
crosses your face when you
talk about things and people
and places you love

i know you

those delicate hands
and fingers that twist in
anxious knots when
you doubt yourself

i know you

the heart that pumps
heard and loud in your chest
large enough to fill the world
but oh, so tender

i know you

the glint of sad in shell blue eyes
when you talk about yourself
as if you don't see how
anyone could love you

i know you

the low timbre of a voice that
occasionally shakes with anger
softens with tears and
grows bold with laughter

i know you

the very soul that speaks my name
so quiet and reverent
as if i am a gift to you
when, really, you are the gift

i know you

forged before the earth existed
a friendship as old as time itself
destined to outlive stars and galaxies
and entire universes

i know you

and i knowing you
i have begun to know myself

quiet now
look into this inky sky
see that star?
the bright one
just there
endless though it may seem
this sky is full of you
each star
each moonbeam
the wisps of the clouds
this galaxy we belong to
they are made up of the
very stardust that occupies
your veins
your ocean eyes
your steady heartbeat
your low voice
the curve of your back
the strength in your shoulders
your soft skin
your lovely fingers
come now
watch with me
this visual passage of time
and we will fill the universe
with the silences
we keep
these wordless conversations
spoken between
two hearts
and two souls
who were friends from beyond time
and space
and who will outlast the very
sun in this morning sky

My dear, my love
I know things seem
Impossible and painful
And they fill you with
Worry and guilt
But remember the beauty
In the world

The sweet voice of a child
An endless universe with
Galaxies we do not yet know
The way the sun shines off the mountains
The ocean tide, constant and unending
A melody that lifts your heart
The colors of nature all around you
The way your body fights to keep you alive
The goodness of strangers
Charity and love
Your father’s kindness
And your own strength
The perfect love of a God you know exists
And the universe He’s created for you

You will be okay
We will be okay
The scars of the world will be healed
Yours will be too
Nothing is beyond His reach
His perfect sight
And though things seem dim
All will be well in time

Today I realized
That you weren't
On my mind
In my heart

Not once
Not at all

Until I stood still long enough
For you
To creep back inside

For a full day
I was free
And happy
Unburdened by your betrayal

I want that
I need it
I will have it

So today I will say goodbye
And let you go
Once and for all

fire and ice
burning
scorching
but leaving me
cold and
miserable
that is your modus operandi
i am a victim you
can mark on your wall
a tally
one more trophy
for you to collect
enjoy me
this pain might give
you
a small measure of peace
and i'll accept that
because i don't know
how else to survive

shut this down
tear my skin to shreds
open my veins
pour yourself into me

give me all of you
over and over and over

i'm trying
i'm trying
i'm not enough
i hurt without thought
i damage
i injure
i'm too much
i don't deserve anything
but the pain of
aloneness
rejection
i deserve that
the darkness that comes with
loneliness
why am i like this?
why am i
me?

last night i wanted to feel something
i wanted to so badly
i sat and listened
and waited for an answer
for some sort of sign

it didn't come
and i left feeling a ringing in my ears
and a hollow echo
where my soul used to be
and numbness in place of a heart

its a strange experience
when you feel nothing
for so long
that you can't remember what it feels like
to feel anything at all

a buzzing
numbness
rolls through
my veins
and up my spine
into my brain
softening the blow
of life
and love
and all the *******
in between
sweet softness
that makes me smile
through the pain
and forgive quickly
even to those who
do not deserve
my kindness

i do miss this

carefully carefully you
always held my heart
listening and teaching me
validating me
in time i became strong enough that
nothing could stop me

and just like that my mind calms
like the storm has passed and
suddenly
i can see the horizon
come hell or high water
i will make it
my body is strong
my mind is stronger
with the rough seas come
the most beautiful sunrises
and mine is just ahead
cotton candy skies
followed by cloudless blue and
calm waters
now i can take the helm
with confidence
that i will make it to my
destination

my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
it feels every pain
every wound
every sadness
like a well
continually filling up
until it overflows
coming out through my shaky hands
and cold fingers
and pale cheeks
the tears that leave tracks on my face
and the thudding of my heart
my heart is too big for the body it inhabits
far too big
far too big

Hot coffee, foamy and bitter
Scalds my tongue but I drink anyway
The clouds are low around my mountains
Trees are orange and red and
Nearly barren
My cheeks are cold and pink
And my fingertips trace the frost that's
Gathered on my window
I feel like the earth is preparing
For the change that is winter
And I am ready
For the rest that will come with
The first real snow fall
And the healing that happens underneath
For the reawakening that will occur
When the frost thaws
And my heart can finally beat
Without that ache
That has plagued me for far too long
With a quiet sigh
And eyes half shut
I will allow this period of rest
And recovery
And soothe my weary heart in
The balm of forgiveness

uncertainty colors my thinking
like sand in water
floating around my subconscious
and making my thoughts turn
muddy and dark
i'll fight it tonight
in sleep
and in the morning
maybe
things will be alright

my body feels weak
tired
and ill
it is betrayal incarnate
i cannot stand to see it
i wish i would disappear
that it would fail me
so my anger
wouldn't be misplaced
but i am more than a body
blood and bone
skin and sinew
i am an infinite soul
and there is a light inside me
which sickness cannot dim
the divine heritage
i have been blessed with
will be my saving grace
and one day
i will once again
be whole

may i,
in hushed tones,
confess
how my heart aches
for you
and you alone
when we are apart?

may i,
in a quiet moment,
confess
how your hand feels
so soft
and delicate
between mine?

may i,
when silence befalls us,
confess
how you've changed me
wholly
and so effortlessly
made me complete?

may i,
when all is silent,
confess
how you've become
my best
and most cherished
friend?

Sometimes I feel

I’m past the worst

My heart is healing 

Mended 

Scarred but still mine

Then I wake from an

Afternoon nap

And my head is full of you

My heart cracks open 

Like a glass jar

Shattered from the drop

Of remembering

And it’s starting anew

Repairing and

Replacing 

The chipped away portions 

Of my soul

my fingers are seared
singed
i'm playing with fire
walking right on the edge
of pleasure and pain
i don't know if i want
to stop
but i know i probably should
heaven help me
because i want so much
to let this burn me up
leave me feverish
and flushed
slick with sweat
and thirsty
for more
of the exquisite torture
i'm entertaining

i'm afraid
i have kept it inside
strangled it
choked it
so it wouldn't escape
but it fell out through
my words
i'm sorry
i don't want to be a burden
my fears threaten to
take me over
if i am not careful
so i will tie them down
bind their mouths
and keep them in the
darkest parts of me
so they will not color
the space between
you and i

the nakedness of your
body
and your
soul
haunt me
they are the ghost that
follows me around
in my sleep
in my daydreams
i wish i could erase it
but in that same breath
i don't want to
i want to burn you into
my brain
and live this quiet torture
forever

i want to feel
something
anything
please touch me
my hand
my shoulder
my throat
your fingers around it
bruised flesh
dark and light
clashing for anyone to see
i offer it to you
willingly
or
if nothing else
a knife blade agains
pale soft
skin
red spilling from my veins
it will make me feel
alive
and then i'll know
that this pain isn't
for nothing

i'm sorry
the words are stuck in my throat
because you have no way to hear them
this is typical
just like me
****** up brain
thinking of nothing but myself
selfish
thoughtless
i'm sorry
i will pound against the walls
until my fists are ******
and my voice is raw
but i'll continue saying it
because one day
i need to learn my lesson

anger blooms
hard and cold like ice
deep in my chest

my hands are shaking
my stomach is in knots

i am through
i am not your captive
nor your enemy
i am simply
done

your hatred tasted bitter
but i have tempered the taste
with the sweetness of release
and choice

my choice to leave

to stand up and say
no!
to say
i am more than you think,
more than you you deserve,
and more than you could love!

anger melts into
acceptance
and a pleasant comfort
in the decision i have made
or rather
the one you made for me

thank you
for making this easy
thank you
for making this clear

i am simply
done.

i wanted to write you something happy
but my heart stopped me
it's bottled up
so allow me instead
to tell you how your soul is
a bright light during this
rather bleak
winter
it's gold
and sun
and soft smiles
and real love
the kind you can't find in the card aisle
at the drugstore
it's forgiveness
and shared secret
prayers and testimonies
thank you for
your soul
and the home it provides me
when i need shelter from
this gray winter

hurting myself to protect you
because i'm the worst nightmare
you can possibly imagine
i want to destroy
you
so instead i will slowly destroy myself
in an attempt to control the
raging beast that threatens to break out
i will burn myself up
leaving just a shell of who i once was
but you'll be sheltered from the war
that's waging inside of my chest
spilling my spirit from so many wounds
the pain won't last forever
or so i tell myself
blood and bone
sweat and tears
they will be a shield between
you and i
that keeps you safe
and keeps me caged
my scars
will be the chains that hold me back
reminding me
that i was never enough for you
or rather
i was too much
so remember this next time you decide
to dismiss the sacrifices i have made
to keep you safe