-: Poems

381 · Aug 2016

"BRB, gotta go write a poem"

- Aug 2016

"BRB, gotta go write a poem"

I don't think she knew how to exist

Without being melancholy

54.

#loss #lovepoems #157

370 · Oct 2016

Coming Down

- Oct 2016

Coming Down

Yours was the arrival

I did not know

I was anticipating

69;)

#157

368 · Aug 2016

Weird

- Aug 2016

Weird

I can no longer remember

how to speak in first person,
where your freckles are located,
how you used to cry...

I know you apologized many times
while sobbing,
but I no longer recall
what that looked like

Number 59

#loss #lovepoems #157

361 · Mar 2016

Agree/Oppose

- Mar 2016

Agree/Oppose

There’s not much more we could have done.
Stack the chairs up to the ceiling,
brace ourselves for a revolution.

This indecision is nothing new.

Agree, oppose

For better or for worse- et tu?

Nothing feels the way it should.
Drifting between protests,
unsure of what to believe in
with different fists
raised at these young demons.

361 · Jul 2016

Cleansing

- Jul 2016

Cleansing

We were born
Out of chaos
Wind and rain shaped us

I held you for the first time
After a fight with a woman, I
Needed you to know how impossible you were
To do without

We died out
In the chaos
The winds that chastised us
Whisked you away from me

35

#loss #lovepoems #157

355 · Sep 2016

B Street

- Sep 2016

B Street

Blank skin begging to be touched says,

"kissing you is like eating stardust, and,

I'll crawl to the corners of your earth if you let me.

In the middle of things, while you are away,

please save me an honest smile?"

Number 60!

#loss #lovepoems #157

353 · Oct 2016

Atomic

- Oct 2016

Atomic

"GIRLS OWN THE VOID," the text reads.

I am not a girl,
And yet I, too
Wish to plunge into nothingness -

Can I hold your hand and join you when you next return?

Outside, accusations float past my narrow shoulders
And shudder across the concrete.

"GIRLS OWN THE VOID.

Back off, *******. We are home."

67

#571

352 · Jun 2016

Cynicism

- Jun 2016

Cynicism

All of these *******

Want to be poets

Performance piece?

#haha

347 · Jul 2016

XXXV. “There’s a Holiness to Exhaustion...”

- Jul 2016

XXXV. “There’s a Holiness to Exhaustion...”

A breath, air ****** into a familiar wound. An old ache returning. A life spent, regained in the seconds of a single touch. A desperate wanting filling the chest. Desolation. Love.

Compilation excerpt

344 · Sep 2016

Little Trees

- Sep 2016

Little Trees

Banks
And the stale odor of Marlboro Golds
Remind you of a slower time
When you broke into abandoned barns and sang sermons to the rooftops
Unaware of who might listen

62

#157

339 · Aug 2016

230 Hours

- Aug 2016

230 Hours

It would take me 230 hours to walk from the spot
where you first told me you'd like to be my partner
to the place where,
nearly eight months later,
you apologized
for breaking my heart.

Two-hundred and thirty hours.

According to my calculations,
which I etched in my new writing pad,
I have one-hundred and one poems left until I reach my total.

If I write a poem each day,
it will take me almost three-and-a-half more months
before your vision
is faded from my memory, and by that time
it will almost be December
when your birthday falls,
and I'll have to start over.

And that time is not counting
old photographs re-surfacing,
the pain of knowing I've been erased,
or chance encounters on our campus, see

I have been eliminated twice now
by women who I have loved like nothing else
and I'm beginning to fear
that something is wrong with my love, that I am too potent
or terrifying
to have success.

I want someone to leave me,
and leave me well; I want to be able to call them
when I am sick, or alone, or dying of desperation,
when I have lost my home or someone in my family,
and vice versa.

I want someone to feel the same small attachment and desire
to still cultivate my well-being
as I do
for those whose voices I no longer hear in my sleep.

Number 56

#loss #lovepoems #157

336 · Jun 2016

Sexual Manipulation

- Jun 2016

****** Manipulation

I have to learn to **** myself
Without imagining your hands,
Your palms,
Gliding through my body.

I have to learn how to ******
Without gasping your name,
Gripping your hair.

I have to learn to remember
That your fingertips
Are not the only ones
To ever plunge inside me,

And to remember
That your absence should not be missed.

Number 11

*******

#loss #lovepoem #157

333 · Jun 2016

Dysphoria

- Jun 2016

Dysphoria

How I wish that I was small like you, that
my chest had less room
to expand when broken

and my mind less chatter
for me to pay heed to

Number 7

#loss #lovepoems #157

329 · Jul 2016

The Venom of Three Maids

- Jul 2016

The Venom of Three Maids

So you're high
In the Simmons bathroom and
Taking a shower
By yourself

And you're just getting over
The scent of rejection
But her phenomenal venom
Leaves a stench in your mouth

Number 23

#loss #lovepoems #157

329 · Jul 2016

2:41 AM, December

- Jul 2016

2:41 AM, December

The raindrops re-arrange themselves
Into dreary patterns on my window.

Morphing into snowflakes,
They crystallize
In the gray dawn.

I'm going to miss
Having winters with you.

Number 30!!

#loss #memories #winter #lovepoems #157 #highpoems

327 · Jul 2016

3 Line

- Jul 2016

3 Line

What do I do with the nudes on my phone

Now that I view them, nostalgic,

Alone?

Number 21. Experimental

#loss #lovepoems #157

322 · Jul 2016

Hynes

- Jul 2016

Hynes

I've got
Socks around my ankles,
A chip on my left shoulder,
And
A lover who's naieve enough
To say I'm meaningless.

Number 25!

#loss #lovepoems #157 #trainpoems

315 · Jul 2016

This Is For All Of the Lovers

- Jul 2016

This Is For All Of the Lovers

Okay, I miss you. I miss you a lot and you won't return my calls or anything, you just vanished one day, disappeared. You've finally gotten your dream, you'd always wanted to be good at not existing in the face of tragedy. You tell yourself through tumblr posts and reblogged poems that you're strong, but the reality is that your words wound more than they can touch.

You're a facsimile, a fraud, my friend. But the thing is, you're so **** beautiful when you're doing it that it's almost forgiveable. That's why, when I look into the photographs of you I wasn't supposed to see, I soften at the sight of your creases as you smile, and the nape of your neck where I used to rest, and I think-

Someday this woman is going to belong to someone else, if you can say a person belongs to anyone-

And, secondly-

That I hope she will carry my memory in her bones as far as she travels.

If I look closer at your smile, it doesn't seem real.

I've saved the pictures, I want to know if you did too. I found an old one of you in my favorite hat, the one I used to work out in, feel strong in, explore with you in. Now it makes me think of you.

I hate that you took that from me.

Long, rambling spoken word. Brutally honest. Catharsis. To be preformed soon and related to. Necessary.

Number 40!!

#loss #lovepoems #57

312 · Aug 2016

Facebook

- Aug 2016

Facebook

We both have kind eyes,
And are growing
In our separate ways
And that is
Oddly comforting to me

55

#loss #lovepoems #157

305 · Jul 2016

Love Letters I Wish I'd Gotten

- Jul 2016

Love Letters I Wish I'd Gotten

Hello, I hope you're doing well in the midst of this chaos.

I'm aware that I left a long time ago, but
I wanted to write to you and see if I could recall your face.

I hope that you've transitioned smoothly,
found yourself in that whirlwind of a body at last,
and quieted.

I hope that you're still writing,
that you've tamed the seas
the way you often dreamed of doing.

I hope that you've found dry, calm earth
and settled down
in Tuscon
to grow old and paint
like the Georgia O'Keefe you always said you were.

Please paint a beautiful ******, just for me.

I hope that you'll recall my name now and again,
and think to smile, and, I hope

You'll forgive that all of my sentences have begun with "I."

See, I don't know how else to tell you
that I wish I could get to know you again, and that
your eyes held answers I could never have imagined,
nor knew how to uncover.

I don't know how to write you, because
this isn't a love letter
no, it couldn't be a love letter, but
something deep in here wants it to be?

I wish you'd know that I'm sorry for leaving,
and all the pain I'd caused, I wish you'd know also that
none other has compared to you

(I know it's a small consolation, but bear it with you in the night when you're feeling lonely, I suppose)

I hope you've found games you love to venture into and people who make you smile, and that you've seized all your opportunities for adventure with both hands.

I hope you're no longer hiding your poetry, and that the world will soon bear witness to your words and declarations, and, I hope

that, someday, you'll remember
to stop forgetting me.

Number 46
SPOKEN WORD
A letter to another, but a letter to myself?

#loss #lovepoems #157

300 · Aug 2016

Reassurances

- Aug 2016

Reassurances

At least I'm here,
At least I'm writing,
And feeling full.

At least this sustenance,
This painful brew,
Nourishes me.

At least I boil and then drink the thorns
And feel no sting
Of sadness in my throat

Anymore

Number 50!

#loss #lovepoems #157

300 · Jul 2016

Optional

- Jul 2016

Optional

I'm

Okay

(At pretending I'm still living)

37

#loss #lovepoems #157

296 · Jul 2016

Family + Friends

- Jul 2016

Family + Friends

I am migrating between two worlds,

and learning to do it swiftly

Number 47.
A pretty joyful little number for today :)

#loss #lovepoems #157

289 · Mar 2016

Atlantis

- Mar 2016

Atlantis

When I was young,
they took me to a beach
more pristine than the handprints of a god.

I regretted each of my footprints
upon the pearly sand,
my touches seemed to taint
its flesh.

The whispers of the air forbade me
to leap into the steely ocean
and shed my skin-

The waving of the pirate’s trees
kept me grounded.

288 · Jul 2016

Washburn Pavilion

- Jul 2016

Washburn Pavilion

This is the summer
Of burning down houses,
Repairing bridges,
Of **** on the fly.

This is the summer
Of misconstrued lovers,
Of thick consummation
And marital wine.

Number 24

#loss #lovepoems #157

283 · Jul 2016

Lenox

- Jul 2016

Lenox

If there is something you want to know,
Please ask for it.

Don't go searching
A blank canvas
For strokes that don't exist.

Ask,
And I shall answer
Your gentle calls-

That is a promise,
Not a passing thought.

Number 27.

Suuuuuper rough draft so bear with me here while I edit it a bit

#loss #lovepoems #157

280 · Jul 2016

Davis

- Jul 2016

Davis

This poem must be heard
With eyes closed,
Chest open,
And blood coursing through
Untold chasms, it must

Be felt and reverberate
Across every vessel inside
Your expansive brain

This is a work in progress right now, but here's draft 1

Number 26

#loss #lovepoems #157

278 · Jul 2016

Green Ivy

- Jul 2016

Green Ivy

If you separate
yourself

From

yourself,

You become an anomaly.

High poems
Number 19. The lucky one.

#loss #lovepoems #157

277 · Mar 2016

V

- Mar 2016

V

I absorb
each of your sounds
like the listener I am,
relishing them

Committing them to memory,
stored inside a vault
I dip a finger into
when I am feeling cold
or lonely -

and when I do recall
the contours of your face
or the cadence
of your nighttime whispers
I sit awhile
and feel no pain

276 · Aug 2016

Physical Acceptance

- Aug 2016

Physical Acceptance

I may not have the most perfect physique,
but as I sit here,
having a beer and becoming aware of myself,
I realize that it is all that I need.

My neck, though it grows stiff on occasion,
is the perfect ***** for the face of a lover.

My spine is long and narrow,
but crunched into itself
from years of compacting.

I want to reach inside my skin and set it free.

My shoulders are sloped, but sturdy,
and carry the weight of a thousand worlds.

One of my biceps is bigger than the other,
but that's okay,
its a natural phenomenon
and when I flex my right arm
it makes me feel strong, and powerful.
Capable.

I may not be thin enough
for you to count each tiny, delicate rib, but
I have a strong abdomen
and can do many sit-ups
or pull myself out from under you,
sit up suddenly to kiss you,
and anchor myself to the earth, yes -

My hips aren't as narrow as I'd like them to be,
but my quadriceps are strong and sinuous

My reflexes, feline
and my calves pure muscle,

I know
because ever since I turned thirteen,
I have been staring at them

after soccer practice in my cleats and shinguards
at the pool as the water drips off my legs and catches in the hairs
I've worked so hard to groom
in the morning as I stretch and caress their skin-

My feet
wiggle their toes into the moist, warm earth and keep me firm
and my eyes
pry into you,
always seeking
for things unknown

Number 53. Radical self-acceptance.

#loss #lovepoems #157

273 · Jul 2016

3 Liner

- Jul 2016

3 Liner

I fell in love with an actress

and she didn't know

when to step off the stage.

45

#loss #lovepoems #157

262 · Jun 2016

A Note to the Reader

- Jun 2016

A Note to the Reader

Hello,

Lately my poetry has been shifting and taking new shapes. Instead of my typical, drawn-out style of editing and composing, I'm now limiting myself to the following rules:

1. Only write when you need to, and write as soon as you need to
2. Edit minimally - only three revisions per poem
3. Feel a lot.

Additionally, I've embarked on a journey to cope with loss, writing a total of 157 love poems (or rather, emotionally charged poems). The goal is that the final poem's completion will also bring the advent of my catharsis.

It's my hope that these vignettes will provide you an authentic and rough window into my own urban and dazzlingly hellish experiences.

All the best,
Sam

#process #notes #musings #notetothereader

256 · Mar 2016

Trans Proclamation of Rights

- Mar 2016

Trans Proclamation of Rights

I’m a journalist but I hate people. I can’t stand when disingenuous words fall out of my mouth, it makes me feel evil,
but I lie all the time.

The content of my ciphers is not to be discussed or deciphered.
The pain in my logic is not to be altered or justified.
The reason for my appearance is not to be questioned or speculated.
The light in my eyes is not for you to touch.

I am mine-
so *******.

When I was younger my daddy told me writers didn’t need to swear.
Find a better word, he said, but
I’ve come to learn that everything is about choice.
All art is the product of a series of conscious choices.
So, if I need to say *******-
I will. *******.

You are in no place to discern my face from others.
My identity is not to to be discussed in any room, public or private, without my consent.

Prophecy: In due time, all this will be self-explanatory.

256 · Jul 2016

Overheard at a Party

- Jul 2016

Overheard at a Party

"The day I directed
That play in Spanish,
My stomach began to tighten."

Number 15

#loss #lovepoems #157

255 · Mar 2016

A.I.M.

- Mar 2016

A.I.M.

I used to think
that I was unqualified
to say such things.

But then,
a professor of mine
encouraged the seething hum
within me
to boil to a roar
and so-

These are the facts
I’ve uncovered.

Our country’s countrymen
were not from the West.

They were here,
on this patch of land,
making their own.

When the others arrived,
led by the witchery
they seized what they could find,
butchered,
murdered,
brought the land to its knees with war
and feasted on its flesh.

Our big ol’ U.S. of A stands on the bones and weary shoulders
of an indigenous people
we have been made to ignore
or mislabel as “savage”
almost unwittingly-

Prey, all of us
in the jaws of a Capitalist agenda

253 · Aug 2016

Note to Self

- Aug 2016

Note to Self

Your work isn't very good,
You have four women who've misconceived you,
and your drinking is a bit of a mess.

You smoke too much *** and you're really beginning to fill out your underwear.

But you're writing,
aren't you?

Finding optimism in everyday things. Number 52.

#loss #lovepoems #157

249 · Jun 2016

Gray

- Jun 2016

Gray

Wow.

I have found out
That someone brutalized you
And as much as it pains
And confuses me to say -

That terrifies me.

2.

#loss #lovepoems #157

246 · Jul 2016

Untitled

- Jul 2016

Untitled

Don't*

Destroy yourself for me, or go gentle,
That was not
What We intended.

You are strong, careless, full of worth
And your imagination knows no limits;

You will soar far, and fast
Through your orbit of destiny,
And I
Will watch from the edges

Cautious and careful
As always

Breaking a little bit as I write this today

Number 29

#loss #lovepoems #157

242 · Mar 2016

Riesling

- Mar 2016

Riesling

We met in a way
I am compelled to lie about,
simply for its lack of romance
but when I told you this,
you refused to recant
our original story.

I met you, unbridled, unassuming,
heart brimming with fear and eyes wide.
My hands shook as I offered you a drink.

Something in the room’s energy shifted when you entered,
a cosmic thing, I guess-
for a moment everything seemed to be meandering
instead of racing.

But now, all my body does is speed,
yearn to stretch itself beyond its bounds

Every now and again I feel compelled to take my pulse
out of fear of my heart’s reaction
to seeing you.

I don’t regret the frantic gasps
that lept from my chest as you touched me,
pulled me into your vortex,
no-

I won’t recant the breathlessness of my sudden, intimate confession
in the midst of our friend’s birthday-party

Sure, I was emboldened by the liquor,
but my decision was motivated
by far more than the headiness of wine-

Your eyes were the catalyst.
The way they peered at me with longing,
yet somehow expecting nothing,
just interested in what lay before them

And I remember
your sudden shift,
you propped yourself up on my chest and said it,
a declaration that stopped time once more -
or, at least, for me

So much blood rushed to my head that I feared you’d killed me
for a moment

I remember too, the brief seconds I spent
floundering in terror
before I made a statement of my own,
and tossed myself willingly into the potential killing-fields,
a sacrifice of sorts,
marred by recent pain, but still ascending.

For V. 12.15

240 · Jun 2016

Pages

- Jun 2016

Pages

My love was in my words for you,

Why

Did you let them burn?

Number 8.

#loss #lovepoems #157

238 · Jul 2016

Still Healing

- Jul 2016

Still Healing

You loved others before you,
Who dared to come near you
And give you a fate to suffer.

When another approached you,
Looking only to love you,
You crushed their attempts.

Number 31

#loss #lovepoems #157

237 · Jul 2016

Old Instant Message II

- Jul 2016

Old Instant Message II

She said:

<3 I love you very much babe. You’re amazing <3

Number 42

Written to be paired minimalistically, across the page from one another.

#loss #lovepoems #157

237 · Jun 2016

"My Memoir"

- Jun 2016

"My Memoir"

You kept asking me
about my memoir, as if
you'd be there
to see it's completion.

Now,
you will fill its pages
if only in vague form,
for months to come.

You, the observer
have become the subject
of this torment.

Number 6.

#loss #lovepoems #157

229 · Jul 2016

Embrace

- Jul 2016

Embrace

This body has been cultivated
For centuries,
Sculpted
With strength in mind.

Watch it all tremble
And melt in your arms
As you cradle me
And tell me lies

Breaking down masculine stereotypes like YEAH ✨

Number 18

#loss #lovepoems #157

222 · Jun 2016

M

- Jun 2016

M

And there you are,
Electricity running through your veins,
Determined

To make it right

#poems #writtentonight

221 · Jun 2016

Untitled

- Jun 2016

Untitled

Waking up and remembering
That your life is not sleep,
And your dreams
Are in fact reality -

[Things are this bad,
You are not better]

These thoughts are the sharpest,
Barely worth living for

Number 4.

#loss #lovepoems #157

216 · Jun 2016

157 Love Poems

- Jun 2016

157 Love Poems

Every time
I feel my veins begin to rush
And the slow throb of pain begin to pulse

I will stop,
And I will stay the flow

Until I have means
To channel it
Through paper and ink.

1

#loss #lovepoems #157

214 · Jul 2016

Old Instant Message

- Jul 2016

Old Instant Message

You said:

I love you so much. Your eyes make mine want to well up with happiness And Your voice makes me want to create Your body is a tool and a weapon and full of glorious purpose And I love watching you Do everyday things Like put on glasses Or brush your teeth You're a comfort to me, A gateway to wisdom and ideas I've never encountered before And I love you So so so so so so much So **** anyone Who can't understand what that means to us (cleaning out your inbox after the filth)

Number 41

#loss #lovepoems #157

211 · Jul 2016

Kiss Like a Poet

- Jul 2016

Kiss Like a Poet

We're crammed on a couch and we're spinning

I tell you, you kiss like a poet

Experimentation with two-line poems.
Number 13.

#loss #lovepoems #157

210 · Jun 2016

Untitled

- Jun 2016

Untitled

I read other people's love poems
And find glimpses of you in their words

But my breath comes easier now,
And so does sleep

And I will not be deterred
From who I wish to become.

Number 9

#loss #lovepoems #157