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i want to drive through the imagery
of cruising down the highway,
your dozing off figure in the passenger
and as the night wears on
and the miles pile up
we stop at a 7-11 for slurpies
and you blast Hollywood Undead
just like you always do.
windows rolled down,
summer evening breeze parading
and the chirps of diligent spring peepers
or cicadas chiming in,
and just ******* lose ourselves
in a place that is anywhere but here.
do you care?
would it matter if i showed up one day,
or never appeared again?

would i even be a passing thought?
soon enough i'll be below the ground
or perhaps decimated into ash
and captured in a marble urn
in the arms of someone i could never picture not loving
or on the mantle of a fireplace in
the home of a barely relevant
family member
claiming they only wanted the best
but sincerely because my will
included their name.

and it makes you think if anything was ever worth it
why be conceived, why hold another living being
inside of you for 9 whole months
just to watch them burn themselves alive
or suffocate while testing the limits in a frozen over lake

my lungs were never really that strong, to be honest,
and i might just convince myself of the same to my heart
i guess there's a commemoration
behind the glass walls
and a figment of imagination
will soon deform into distraught recognition

i'm so tired of craving what will only **** me eventually
but i suppose if i am to live,
it'd be the best bet to fulfill whatever i desire
in which will only harm myself

it's sorta weird to know how we were made
and crafted at the hands of the Universe
like the concept of a God was just a pitiful grain of sand.

i wish i could just let live and be
but the waves are stronger now
and i try not to let the wind sway me
because i am aware of my surroundings
as much as i can be
and i know that the second i put forth the effort
to made a dramatic change
the "Big Snooze", as Jen Sincero calls it,
will do anything in her glory to prove to me i am incapable
i am not incapable
And so tonight, I'll join the rain
with pills in my belly
and skin burning with fever

And my arms chafe
the sides of my ribcage
like Heaven never spoke
and Hell was anything more
than a dream

I will not allow
The king of pearly gates
Prisoner of Leon;
Victim to alias,
Victim by association

So you'll tattoo a human heart
Wherever you feel it should belong
I'll date you when I'm dead
I won't have to fear you
Touching another
With my scent on your palms
12:24PM, January 21, 2017. Saturday.
This feeling is like the sweat beads
Dripping down my back
On a sweltering afternoon.
I lay here in remorse,
Feeling and experiencing
Like life awakening from a coma
You were never aware you fell into.

Speaking of falling, have I mentioned that I am?
Questioning the permanency of a foolproof plan
And no one knows who or what
I'm talking about
Not a single thought in their minds
As to what the gears
Behind my eyes are creating.

A concept of solipsism,
The revolution of somnambulism;
It's why we all want to take
A psychology class but confuse
It with philosophy and end up taking both anyway.

I feel like the cotton candy at a carnival,
So many pick and choose the pink or blue
The black and blue on my ankles and chest
Hands gripped around my neck;
Sorting through what particular part of me
Makes it worth sticking through.

They want to taste what it's like
To break me down
But the second I hit the tongue,
I dissolve. I melt away,
And they are satiated,
Left forgetting me and the craving urge forevermore.

When the pen seeps through the paper
I expect to be reminded of how
Every little tear ******* burns my eyes.
They say it's because of dehydration,
The less water you drink the more salty
Your tears become.
But you'd figure after so long,
Your body would become used to the pain.
Then again, that could apply to
Most of the pain this fragmented coffin of a figure
Endures pathetically.

Am I pitiful?
Because even after years
Fighting, struggling, suffering,
Working to better myself any chance I get,
I still feel selfish for crying out.
I've lost too many people
And sometimes I wonder how
Someone so strong could become
So fragile, withered,
Wracked with debilitating illness
That they can barely stifle a single breath.

Sometimes I wonder how in a matter
Of a month, someone could go from
Talking, though strained, walking, though barely,
To completely immobile, paper-thin, codependent
Then ripped away at the seams
From those who are still now learning
Just what exactly death is.

And here you are, standing over their corpse,
Crying in silence so no one detects
The vulnerability seeping out of your pores.
Your hand is stroking their hair again,
But they're cold, stiff, devoid of any sense of future.
No light, no twitch, no remnants of the soul
You'd connected with, the one you'd spoken to
Just the day before.
They don't open their eyes then,
And the more you stare at their chest,
Thinking every couple of seconds that
You swore you saw it rise just that little bit.
You soon enough come to the abrupt realization
That there is such a thing as a permanent marker
Because I'm forever stained with the memory they've
Abandoned me with.
And I don't blame them for leaving,
I don't blame the one who took them.
The time comes and it's inevitable,
And with that notion comes the irrationality
Of being afraid of the one thing we know for certain
Will always happen to each and every one of us.
Not a doubt. No cheating death.

And so begins the process
Of desperately clinging onto the memory
Of someone you never got the chance
To properly meet in the first place.

They tell me they're better off
But not a single **** one of them looks at peace.
Not a single one looks asleep,
And not a single person can fit the lie
Into my head that they went peacefully.
That they never suffered.
That they weren't terrified
Of the door being closed on them.
That they weren't afraid to die.

I know the story, I knew the hope.
I knew the fight.
And they say it's "always darkest just before the dawn",
But I've been walking through this tunnel
So long now that I have familiarized myself
With every single **** crack in the stone,
Every patch of moss,
Fathomed obsessions over every fiber;
Unable to see the stars
While everyone else is at the planetarium.

I've been traveling for so long,
Believing this fact of hope and drive,
That I'm now starting to recognize
That this, this right here, is all a glitch.
This tunnel has no end.
And as a matter of fact, I have yet
To see any flicker of light at the farthest point
To which my eyes can see.
The only small, hopeful, good days experienced
Feel like thousand-year-old stories carved into the cave walls,
Or a smidgen of a hole in the ceiling.
And it hurts.

My feet burn from walking.
Even in my sleep, my soles meet
The cold stone floors, strolling, wandering,
Unable to stop.

I hear the trickling of water now,
Like a small babbling stream
Abandoned in this cave.
Just like me.
But now, sometimes I fear the rush.
Because I know, soon enough,
The water will overflow again,
And I will drown
Because nobody had the time or devotion,
To teach me how to swim.

I feel like I've lived a thousand years onwards.
Occasionally, I lay back and close my eyes,
Feel the chill of the stone wrap itself over my body
As my body temperature drops gradually
Just to listen to the stream lull me.
I'm still trying to figure out if it's because
The stream often symbolizes the foreshadowing
of the Undertaker, and I am accepting defeat;
Or if this is simply the only way that I can
not only drown not just my thoughts,
But myself.

So, I keep falling, in more ways than one
In search of that permanency,
Or at least substitution.
I crave people, because
This cave is so lonely,
And autophobia eats me alive
As people drop like flies.
So, I guess selfishness isn't a lie, after all.

Couple years past, still in a ditch.
Like this is some section to uplift,
More like a fork in the road
Or an alternate ending
When the main character isn't defeated.
But somehow, over time,
I've obtained the process of how
Moss is a life form, perhaps parasitic,
But thriving in the smallest
And most desolate crevices.

So, I've formulated a plan on how
To make rope out of this fiber.
And if this ladder fails me now,
I will come crashing back down
And break my spine.
Hopefully, if it ever were to heal,
Maybe I'll be able to conjure up
The strength of a better backbone
Because these demons glow in the dark,
And I've gotta gather up the guts
To turn on the lights once and for all.

- C.B.C.
Cecil Beau Calcifer
wow this is long, i cried while writing this in my journal cool. sorry, a lot of emotion here in this one. friggin intense
i feel like no matter where i go,
the traveling siren will follow me to the bone.
you've got something against me
and i wouldn't blame you if you said
i was never your intention to keep.

i worry that by day you're a master manipulator
and night you've transformed into a sleeping bag
on a camping trip by the stream that always babbles.

i can't find you in just the cancerous smoke clouds anymore,
you've transcended a typical passing thought
into a translucent daydream casting into plaster.
you're a still image wrapping around my ******* brain
i can't feel you but i hear you
and i see your smile and i know your words
but those very sentences never cease to create doubt.

you're everything i've ever wanted to love,
i always talk about how the figure of you
will seem to transform into any possible figment
just to pass the notion off of how ******* badly
i want you to be true

i can't figure out whether fear is a burden or a survival method
a technique formed precisely at the hand
i wish you'd stay in bed with me tomorrow morning
but you always have to go
i wish i knew where you had to be
maybe then i could figure out if you're even worth the time.

i haven't felt this way in a while and it scares me
i don't know if you really do love me or not and it's driving me insane
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