As I stand in the flashing city lights,
I feel the earth move under my feet.
This is my home,
My beautiful home.
As the world stumbles upon
the horrors they see on TV,
I stand still,
My home,
My beautiful home.
I whisper to myself,
Everything will be alright,
I whisper to you,
Like a mother singing a lullaby;
Beyrouth,
My dearest Beyrouth,
One day.
One day, you'll see your wonders,
One day, your children will be here
One Day, they'll come back,
For you.
Beyrouth, Beyrouth,
You old soul,
You beautiful mind,
Stand still.
We are here.

“So this is the end of you and me
We had a good run and I'm setting you free
To do as you want, to do as you please
Without me”

I just look up the sky and stare at the fireworks with such passion.
They fascinate me.
Sometimes it feels like they’re just like us.
It feels in one moment that they’re eternal just like us.
We’re somehow, somewhere, eternal.
Just right then in the middle of it, it feels eternal,
then everything all the little sparks that we felt
all the sparks that we were
fade into the darkness
and we realise that just as those fireworks
we die,
we fade into the dark,
we’re remembered for some time and then we’re forgotten.
But some of us are an eternal spark,
eternal firework
just like the first firework in history
or the biggest fireworks ever made,
we’re eternal,
we’re remembered,
we’re important,
never forgotten.
We’re just like those fireworks,
sparks that die.

August the 16th 2013

some people cry
and others laugh
black and white
flowers and balloons
condolences
sympathy
all lay on a hospital bed
four walls
sounds echoing of the dead and the living
under the white sheets lay
happiness and tragedy

let me introduce you to my dearest friends,
addiction;
sweet serenity
pain and passion
desire and love,
depression;
sadness and melancholia
nostalgia
the weight of the world bringing you down
the thoughts about yourself
anxiety;
your fast heartbeats
your breathless minutes
the time you think it's over for you
when you close your eyes
you're ready to say goodbye
the feeling of never being good enough.
i have those vices, i have those problems
end up crying in the middle of the night,
hoping no one hears a sound.
trying to make everything better by believing
it would get better
giving myself hope
when there could be none.
i have died so many times
inside of my head
i have tried too many times
to get out of my head
but it never seems to work
now let me introduce you to my worst enemy;
time.
ticking by so fast,
taking every breath of mine
ticking too slow,
when pain knocks on my door
letting the nights of happy moments pass by
and the night of suffering endless
but a second is always a second,
and a minute a minute
and time will tic-toc
tic-toc
till you run out of heartbeats,
happy or not
but it's all in your head
when you take your moments too fast and too slow,
it's all in your head when time passes by so quickly
it's all in your head when you die before you do.

but is what's in your head real?
because reality doesn't exist
and nothing else does,
everything is how we create it and see it
nothing is too real to our eyes and nothing is too surreal.

i know i think too much,
maybe it's because i think too much
that i have so many vices
and fears
but to get rid of those,
you'd have to give up thinking,
would you?

be the best version of you
today
and every day

dear darling,
you made me a better me
you make me a better me
i find no lies in your smiles
i find no tears in your eyes
though i wish i could dig inside your soul
deep down inside your heart,
the way you dig deep down
in the dead land of my feelings
where no flower grows to survive
and no human can find home
you built a home deep down
you make the sun shine everyday
because you brought back the light to my day
because you make me smile to this day
words cannot express how thankful i am
not even this poem
you find no wrong in what i say
i find no reason why
you always know what to say
i don't know how
you're everything i am not
we're not opposites
we're not similar
it's different
we're just kids
two kids
we understand when others may not
it's like finding a place you belong
it's like turning the lights on after a long time in the dark
haunted by the thought that it might not last forever
a home is not easy to let go of
i don't want the sun to set
i've been missing it
like the waves miss the shore
like the old man misses his youth.
dear darling,
don't go
please stay
and wait for the sun to rise with me
stay through the stormy nights
be the anchor to my sinking ship
we don't have forever
we have a few decades
even less
and my dear darling,
each second is precious
to show you
that i appreciate you
as you are
as you will be,
the amazing person you will be

I regret not saying goodbye to you
Or seeing you before that happened
My last hello could have been my goodbye
I hadn’t seen you in a month
I did talk to you on the phone
From far away, I thought you were okay.
You said it loud and clear
“Those are my last few days”
And I would say, of course not
It was delusional
How we think that life is infinite
That someone is immortal
I don’t know if I said that to console you,
Or myself
I don’t know, now remembering
If it was okay not to cry when you really,
Were gone.
I don’t know what it’s all about;
Life,
Death.
What do we do with it?
I don’t understand.

They described you to me,
On a hospital bed
How sad, how surreal,
So pale, but rosy cheeks and a smile
Are all that I could see.
I didn’t want to visit you in that same hospital bed,
You were in a few months ago.
I was scared I wouldn’t believe it.
I had already gotten to the point,
Even before you were gone,
You were gone
I knew it was going to happen.

I knew I wanted to speak at your funeral,
But didn’t
I knew I wanted closure.

In a grave they dug you.
4AM and your last breath was taken
On a Saturday, I woke up to wear black
To hear my brother cry
For the very first time.

Sitting in a hall where all people cried
Came up to me to tell me
“She’s really gone, isn’t she?’
And I would nod in patience and hug her sisters, her children;
My uncle, my aunts,
My father.
My father whose reaction I didn’t understand
His mother, just gone,
Not a tear in his eye.
In black he was suited
And in black I remain

I did not cry, because I couldn’t.
Was he not crying to be strong?
After all, he was strong.

My mother stood in the middle.
I remember she was crying.
Not her mother, maybe.
But her best company for 20 years,

I remember every bit of it,
Every second,
Every time I ran out trying to tell myself,
That it couldn’t be real,
Every time I stood at the grave,
With the family name
Every time I didn’t really have a choice,
But to smile.
I tried to show how I felt,
But it’s not like that.
It’s not easy trying to be strong,
It’s not easy saying someone got taken away from you.

16 years with me,
And on the 1st of September 2013,
I could hear the bells ring in the morning.
8AM here we are.


*Because I never got to say goodbye, because I never got a chance to show you how much you mean to me. I’m really sorry for  not being there when you probably wanted me to.
May you sleep in ever peace. Rest your shoulders and close your eyes for heaven has taken your soul to pass.

i like artists
artists of all kinds
artists of words
artists of colour
artists of thoughts
they're the civilisation
they're the world
they're the visionaries
the children
the lovers
the hearts of gold
an artist is the one with the voice
the radiance of the sun
the summer in your eyes
the lover in disguise
the hurt in the dark
the tears and the smiles
an artist hides deep down
the one who lives in pain and shame
they say artists will never survive
i say artists are the reason we're still alive

Do you see him behind the camera?
So handsome,
Painting you delicately,
Looks right into you so passionately,
Effortlessly puts his hair back
I could see how nervous he was,
by just the way he walks
here and there
around the room.
Do you see the way he looks at you?
Yes, the way he looks at you,
Like you're some work of art
Not in picture
But in flesh and bone
Every look is every touch
every touch he places on your body
Do you see him?
So flawless behind that camera,
Rolling his eyes every time he asks you to stand still.
How he just looks to the side
Do you see how badly I've fallen for him?
Am I a liar? A sinner?
But am I a tear on his cheek?
I have fallen for every part of his brain,
Every perception of his,
Every look I wish I was given.
Dangerous affliction,
Beautiful affection,
Locate yourself into every breath that I take,
Hold me by the neck
And deprive me of oxygen
Glad my last breath,
Was in your hands.

woke me up on a saturday morning
dead and gone she was
'may she rest in peace' she told me to say
shock took over me
tears wouldn't come out
tears were hidden deep down
inside a rush of feelings
and knifes stabbing my heart
it was hard
she was gone
already
after all this time
yet so early
sickness took over her
struggles ended
black we were wearing
tears all falling
if only cries could bring you back
if only love could bring you back
i don't believe it
i can't believe it
i can't see it
she's here
everywhere we are
the smell
the presence
the voice
everything
couldn't be gone
but someday in your life
you'll have to learn and let go
because nothing last forever
and we're the first to fade before our own eyes.

Dear lover,
I found you alone on a sidewalk,
on a rainy september day.
I found you reading poetry.
We both liked poetry.
This is probably why I'm writing to you.
When I was a child,
heaven was a dream,
a star, very far from us.
Dear lover,
After that day in the storm,
After I walked with you,
hand in hand
on that sidewalk
and we danced
to the teardrops falling from the sky,
I have realised the beauty of things.
After that day in the rain,
you were happy,
only for a short while.
But every night you'd cry
and call.
'i love you'
'goodbye'
All is grey, have we lost everything.
goodbye rainy day
goodbye new dawn
Dear lover,
beauty dripped from your eyes.
You are sunshine
and rainy day.

with a small smile, i said to him
the truth is gonna hurt you
words are gonna wound you
missguided souls are gonna haunt you
but darling,
you're human.
and after all
let it go my love,
because one day,
in the storm
i'll be here to keep your feet to the ground
i'll be here to watch the sunset with you
i'll be here to watch you go when it's time
i'll try to keep going.
i'll let go soon enough
i'll have to say goodbye, the way i said hello
because after all we're human and i have to let you go

do you ever feel worthless?
because i do.
all the time.
have you ever head someone say
"you're never coming to anything"
have you heard them say
"poor parents of hers"
behind your back?
because i have.
and it *****
welcome to the inner-workings
of my mind.
do you feel sorry for me?
because i don't
nothing really matters to me anymore
i have forgotten what feelings were
it's so easy to ear a mask
my true friends
they're here
i don't need your pity and sorries
darling, all i need,
is to be left alone
left alone to close my eyes
left alone to forget,
to forget to breathe.

"just this once, just for now,
you can be anything in the world"


and we hide behind our costumes
kings and queens
monsters and demons
we hide ourselves from the reality of ourselves
where the words don't mean a thing
and appearances mean even less

you can be anything, anything in the world
anything you want to hide
and everything you want to show
you can fake it, honey
and make believe

put that costume on
and make believe the world is at peace
put that costume on
and forget about the sorrow
make believe it's gonna be okay
when it all gets worse

i want you to twist me around like your worst nightmare
i want you to whisper in my ear all the bad things you'd do to me
please put your hand in my hair and pass it on to my neck, my arm, my waist.
please whisper in my ear
and don't tell me you love me
i know that's a lie
yes you'll leave in the morning
i know it, i know you too well
i'm addicted
you leave and i come back
kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before
throw me up on a wall
and say her name
so i kick you out
and cry myself to sleep
while i slowly crawl back to your side of the bed
and smell the sheets
while i knock on your door
and you pull me closer
addiction,
what a word
pure pleasure
more and more
guilt crawls through me
but i want you so much

disbalanced and lost i don't know where to go
wearing your scarf, the one i made for you
you haven't called in days
and i don't want to be a bother
so i just sit by the window
watching every drop of rain fall to the ground
the way i fell in and out of love
the way i packed up all of my books from your house
it hurts to see you fade away in memories
when every shirt i have is yours
and every picture on my wall reminds me of you
when every song that comes up on the radio
is our song
the one i danced to and sang to like i knew the words
when you were tapping your fingers on the steering wheel
or when the smoke of your cigarette flew around the car
or even when i was stuck in the moment believing it would last forever

hello? yes, i can hear you.
how have you been?
do you like mars and jupiter?
how was your vacation on the moon?
when are you gonna send me postcards?
will you be back soon?
are the stars as pretty as they say they are?
do they shine as bright as we see them?
you know?
your room just got darker
the eyes of the broken are now hopeless
things have changed
and i'm begging for so many answers that i will never get
please!
no!
please!
don't hang up on me!
grandma?? grandma??

I am bound to sadness,
like Dorian Gray,
was bound to his beauty.
It seems to me, that every time I try,
It gets harder to turn back,
to the person I used to be.
Innocence disappeared,
and this world is a cruel place to live in.
All it does is just break me down,
bone after bone.
I have become addicted to sadness,
because happiness doesn't seem normal.
But what's normal anyway,
when they say it is the best of worlds,
but we know nothing of others,
or when it's simply not true.
I die everyday a little.
I cry a little more everyday,
into ashes those tears will turn.
Best friend and worst enemy,
loneliness and sadness,
come together as one.
This is probably what I deserve,
and how I should live
and die

my mind is an ocean
and i am lost at sea
my boat doesn't float
and there is no mayday signal to send
they say the captain goes down with the ship
and if my body goes down
my soul will leave it be
sleep in the middle of the ocean
with the rest of the treasures
lost at sea

they say i'm good with words
but i was never good at anything
i chained myself to the thought
of being left behind
and it haunted me
until i learned to let go
when i found out
that words
are the strongest weapons
the most hurtful swords
they build and break
guess i'm friends with words
they say what i think
tell me the truth
make me feel okay

i haven't seen sleep for days
i don't know how tears still come out
my body is so weak
feels like i didn't eat for days
what's a home?
where do i go from now?
i'm too tired to think
i'm too tired to try
i will not try
i will not ask or speak
nobody listens
i think i'm leaving everything behind
i think i'm gonna go
my sight is blurry
my eyes are red
i'm gonna go
run away maybe
without any food or money
or anything else
i'm going to someplace happier
i want to be happy
i don't want to live here anymore
i am tired
i won't sleep it off
but i have nowhere to go
i'm going
this is it
i want to find a home
somewhere i belong

facing each other
this is what they made of me
where they drowned me
my dreams and hopes
my fears and my lies
they drowned my ambitions and my happiness
so i guess this is it
what they call life
and you're just another one
another one
in their sick little game
their sick little machine
you're not the first
or the last
you're one in millions
manipulated
manipulated dreams
ambitions
desires
wants
and
needs
this is what they do to you
and me
and everybody else
we're just actors in their absurd scenarios
we're just dolls in their hands
we're just unimportant to them
they **** us
one by one
but they already made us
all you do is die
day after day
unimportant, forgettable
that's what you are
and that's what your death will be

i fall too fast
too hard
i get attached
and think there is no one for me in this world
other than him
then i get heartbroken
hurt bad
realise that i was wrong
there is
and it goes around
the same circle
the same feeling
another him

Tonight,
I'll pretend I'm drunk.
That way, they'll excuse my sadness.
Tonight I drown in regrets,
in my shower,
in the blood on my arms.
Tonight, I'll laugh hysterically
at all the pain
at everything that hurt me.
Tonight,
my skin won't ever feel the same
my lips won't ever taste the same.
Tonight all smiles will fade away
Blame? Shame? Fear? Pity?
No.
Surrender.