I’m one giant glacier, inside and out,
And try as you might to toss me about,
One thing above all remains thus far true:
One wrong move and I’ll split your ship in two.
Try as they might to push, pull, or prune me,
A glacier is always stubborn and unmoving;
And don’t forget frigid, with a heart of ice—
Else, how can you explain my lack of a love life?
Oh, it’s really quite simple, my prickly friends,
So gather round closely, I won’t say it again;
Because of such curiosity, please suffice it to say:
Fish, princes, and heroes are too—
How shall I say it?—
Lame.
Fish are exquisite to mix with dishes and stews,
But too ***** and slimy to warm a bed or set the mood;
And princes are, at best, entirely in their heads,
Too fat and pompous to keep your mind properly fed.
And heroes? HA! What’s a hero anymore?
A man who stoops to open your door?
“Why thank you, dear sir, your deed is too sweet!
Please relax here, while you rest your weary feet.”
And then what does he do? He flips on the TV!
And ****! The hero’s on permanent leave!
Romeo, Romeo! As you leave, please close the door,
And stop climbing my lattice, lest you’ll stop by the store
First thing in the morning, to fix that deep crack
Like the ones in the books people apparently lack.
(I’d like to know, sir, whose idea it was
To think a tragedy such as that could ever symbolize true love.)
If there’s fish in the sea, I have no care—
I suppose there’s a reason they swim way down there;
And a reason why princes live in the clouds
Where not even sense can knock them down.
‘Tis also a reason ducks quack and cows moo
And not the reverse: that’s what they’re meant to do.
And maybe a reason why this glacier won’t dance
To any stringed harps, or even look askance
At the ships weighed down by anchors and chains
While I float freely down Unlover’s Lane.
(Mark my words; I’ll be eating them soon,
When at last my anchor sinks slowly down too.)