I  swear I use to be good I use to be gold I use to be good 

I don’t know what happened but something turned

I’m wired differently now

And I don’t want to

And I don’t know why

And I don’t know if it’s the red wire or blue wire

But please shut me down

I swear I use to be good

Witches brewing evil **** in the cauldron
Mamas itching to get her hands on it
Fill up the tin and she forgot who her kids were again
Too high chasing butterflies and dancing in the street
Not enough money for the children just to eat
cause she sold her ebt looked me in the eyes and said pretty please
Forgive me baby, please don't cry
Never will admit for the reason why
I smoked dope when I was 17
Maybe that's why I found the sympathy she needs to repent for her sins she commit way back when when we were still pure but not much of that lasted we grew cold
And I grew older, enough to realize what's behind her sad dead eyes
Because the fallen angel still hums to me at night  
Bringing me back to that time in the broken RV when she handed me the pipe and promised I could fly and i did
But I crashed and burned and I yearned for more
And more I needed it I took it and I smiled and I laughed because I was free from the shackles that held me grounded
And my head flourished  
And malnourished I became because I sold all my work to buy more fine power
The voices grew louder and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't silence them
The evil had taken me and till death I was due to live a life just needing one more hit

Where has magic gone?
Not a person, not a man
My father taught me young, that there were very few men I could trust
That it was better to sit pretty, to smile; this would be a weapon later
But he was right, it was one of the few things he taught me
Through example, through bared teeth laughter despite anger
I think he was the one who showed me how to pray even though this faith didn't quite fit him either
I wish I could remember what God felt like back then
If it made suffering easier
If there was ever a day where I didn't feel like I had my name on a waitlist for hell
I know I never hoped for angels
I've been waiting for the evil witch instead

Broken down, battered and confused
you left me alone in your arms
I fought to rebuild and revise
and I stopped justifying the lies
and I started to relapse
I was weak, a crutch kept me up but your venom always wore it down
I'm stronger now but my heart still ached when i saw your name blink across my screen
and now I'm lost
laying in bed with a lover thinking about you
I packed a bag and I'm ready for my cue
please just tell me you want to need me again too..

The path of this waterfall is abruptly misdirected by the boulders that have been placed throughout her destination
Where is she going ? She's crashing, her smooth flow is screaming because of these obstacles that she slithers and forms around, she still has a place to be
She flows until she can't anymore; what determines her arrival ? Where does the water lead once it falls? Where is she going? She doesn't know but she keeps flowing
She's screaming and no one can make out what she's saying because she's crying violently and that pain flows past them
they just hear her noise as a faint distraction in the distance because they cant stop and open their ears to actually listen
Appreciate the beauty because it always comes with pain
And her pain is aspiration to flow throughout the day
I'm watching these rocks, her water smashes against them violently she wants them to move but she's not dense enough to push them out of her way and they can't move because their placement too has a purpose that is meant to guide her away but instead she keeps heading in her straight shoot path, she's just adapted to avoiding the misconception
I can see the way these rocks have manipulated her path, im watching, and parts of her flow to a dead end
the water is still and the forces used to keep her pushing through has worked against her to interrupt her journey but she's fighting through and she's battling to get to where she needs to be
She doesn't know where, it's clear to see but she knows she needs to get somewhere and although parts of her have been abandoned and have settled and stopped rushing she aches to keep going and that determination keeps her flowing

You will meet a boy and the color of his eyes will remind you of poetry.*
I loved him, purely, and unconditionally
But there’s nothing beautiful about the bruises his hands left
Or the acid in his voice that singed my temples .
There’s nothing beautiful about self destruction
There’s nothing beautiful about sleepless nights just to make your body experience deprivation
There's nothing beautiful about the stomach full of pills that replaced the well balanced meal
There's nothing beautiful about loving a narcissist.
I used to be okay with the seemingly never-ending pain of loving someone who couldn't reciprocate
I was no better than a kicked dog
Limping back with my tail between my legs, seeking a gentle touch
I spit idea of you out and the aftertaste was just as bad
You were a cascade of of destruction and i was a thrill seeker

Twitched strings, the clang of metal, beaten drums; dull, shrill, continuous, disquieting. The stealthy dancer comes undulant with cat-like steps that cling. The smile of evil crept between her painted lids, a smile. Motionless, unintelligible, she twines her fingers into mazy lines, the scarves across her fingers twine the while.
One, two, three, four glide forth, and, to and fro, delicately and imperceptibly.
You could hear the seraphs cry in between the swift dessous topped off with a jeté.
The observers watched every move, they have no idea what the young coryphée has in store.
A crimson blade covered her legs during every hypnotizing glide and sway; a matching blade for every female in the assembly, they wouldn't move from their spots on stage. They formed a pentagram with their swords; they were each so beautiful. So mesmerizing for the crowd to be graced with such pure refinement. The lead dancer gave a gesture and that's when it happened.
The girls twirled, gravitated away from their positions. Blood covers the entire floor like the rain falling; drenching the ground, dark red blood seeps into the nice hardwood floor. A body lays dead and bled out. They compiled a dance of death and evil, every pirouette sliced into the already rotted flesh. Slabs of skin thrown across the platform, horrified viewers didn't speak. Gruesome, yet beautiful. They finished and returned to their previous, assigned places of formation and the only sound is that of the maggots eating away at the rotting flesh, swallowing bites at a time adding more to the foul smell of decay.
The eyes burned onto the stage, heat built up. No one said a word; no one knew what they were suppose to say. Is it all an act? It must be, these things don't just happen, right? A few vomited because of the gut wrenching stench that overwhelmed the room.
The dancers eyes never left the floor, she simply bowed and twirled off stage; Her legs were never visible but you could see the foot prints forming behind her, they were made from blood.

It burns so much to think that his hands touched another girls' the way they touched me
I waited for him and he took advantage of me never being able to say no
and I couldn't smell the cinnamon whiskey on his breath because I was already drowning in it
but he could never touch me unless he threw a few back

My mother told me you can't fix glass once it's broken
She told me this when she found me locked in my room at the age of 6 trying to fix her vase I knocked over playing ball in the house
She told me you're suppose to get the broom and dust pan and clean it up
Disgaurd it in the trash where it belongs
And that's why I call you an idiot when you say you love me
You're only going to end up with a chest full of shards and a few open gashes
You don't try to mend glass
Onces it's broken you can never fix it completely
No matter how much glue you try to use

Inevidently, I should have realized that I couldn't swim
After nearly drowning time and time again
No life preserver
Just the cold, unforgiving  waves crashing over me
I can only hold my breath for so long

You grew flowers in the darkest parts of my heart
And im apologizing now that I'm incapable of accepting them
I can't breathe
I hope that one day you find someone who will water the flowers for you instead of picking them one by one

I let him touch me for the first time last night

And for a minute it felt like you had come home.

He said
"You're independent and its kind of scary, i want you to need me
I want you to want me
You're so cold
Why can't I slide in,
Mentally, physically, emotionally"

"Because his finger prints are still on my body
The warmth of his breath is still on my neck
The only thing missing is the hickey on my chest"

Can’t help but wonder if i'm just something to do when there’s nothing to do,
when there’s so much to do that I just come back to you*

My skin is not perfect but it is mine
and it is yours to touch and kiss and lick
and love
I am not flawless, but my flaws are yours

Told you how when you left you took away my shine
and nothing feels right now that youre not mine
and you said *i miss you
but i know youre doing just fine

The darkness where the serpent lurks attracts me
Crimson blades calling out my name
I'm just letting my veins get some air, they're looking blue

I was never anyone's first choice,
Or second. Or third.  
But eventually down the line I was a choice. Whether it be for a few weeks or just a night, sometimes I was relevant.
I was relevant to different guys. Different times. Different nights.
I was never as relevant to them as they were to me.
He was older, approximately 4 years. I was a freshman in high school, no one trusted my decisions and everyone doubted my mindset.  I knew what was going on.  I fell in love.  He is the most mysterious human I've ever had the privilege of spending my summer with.  He sets the bar high and no one has reached it.  He forever has  his own place in my heart. Oddly enough, two years later he's still the one.
He was self destructive.  I liked him a lot because he was happy but also screaming for help.  He was lost and love was his map. He used others as medicine and when he didn't have that medicine he would panic, I would be his off switch.  He kissed me for the first time at a rock concert.  I stood in his flannel crying and the bittersweet taste of his breathe took mine away. He got admitted into the hospital for a suicide attempt. I waited for 2 months and 3 days for him to come back, he returned with a girlfriend.
He was a drug fiend and I just wanted attention. That line of blow or the next deal always came before me.  Eventually I wanted to be apart of his world.
Pills and pills and pills
that was my summer rhythm.  Day in day out, blow and lies.  I dealt with it at first for the love, and then exchanged it for a line.
He was by far the hardest person to love, and I enjoyed it. Drugs and liquor and blurred out nights. Cigarette smoke infused in his clothes and ***** in his words. We both ended up in the hospital together and he got admitted into rehab.  It was 5 months until I saw him again after that night. 5 months of putting my life on hold, and then he left me. I let him use me for 6 months after that.  Always on call whenever, because I truly loved him.  I would settle for temporary love that I thought I deserved.

The last thing he said to me was
"We should wait until you're older. I love you." "Don't **** yourself." "You've hurt me for the last time." "I don't ******* know anymore."

Out of all of these experiences and downfalls lessons, there's still one person I can't forget. I wouldn't want to if I could.

What are you scared of?
Crashing and burning again?
Did you ever reconstruct at all?
You've seen this
Neutral face in the dark listening to the faint whispers start bashing through your skull not knowing what to say back
Oxygen hit your veins they're turning red again
The serpents coming home
Drowning in the dejavu, you've seen this all too many times.

My eyes are  getting heavy as the nostalgia settles in
Nothing new, same routine
Images of you creeping beneath my skull
Memories invading my sanity
Hours pass by and I didn't even realize
Devoted to keeping "us" alive when I'm not even relevant and you still don't have a clue.

Self esteem found in the sheets of his bed
only to diminish again once the whiskey's down
and reality creeps its way back.
He doesn't mean the **** he says
*he just likes the way you look, laying in his bed.

We are all kisses and touches
all lust and no words
The poetry in our veins all remains unwritten
for we are all bites and scratches
Tell me where the lines we've drawn must meet
Tell me if this love will ceaselessly walk the ways
of earth ten years from now

I keep on reminding you that inevitably
these strings inside of us will break
and we may not be able to
play the same melodies ever again

We slept, body’s twined together
fingers tangled
legs knotted
your breath filled my lungs
and mine filled yours
in sleep, we were unbreakable
The days pain could find no cracks to linger in between our pressed flesh

Why would you choose a hurricane over  sunshine?

3:52am and i ******* miss you.

it blows my mind to even think that after we are both gone, no one will remember our special moments
no one will be around to tell the story of our first kiss that opened my wounds and healed them*

lets lay in the grass when the light goes dim
lets have a good time by laughing the seconds away
lets sit close so that nothing can break us
and let the night swift its way

lets sit hand in hand
promising to each other
that to the day we give way
we will never let go

i have tried more than enough methods to remove you from my system but they were all useless
i cant destroy you inside me without destroying myself completely.

i can’t decide if i’m okay with the way you stay on my mind
all the time or if it really bothers me because
you’re wonderful to think about
but awful to consider
the best part is that you have no idea
or maybe you do and i am the one left clueless and in awe of your kind face
sometimes i’m underwater
and you’re my surface
and other times you’re the water that fills my lungs so fatally well
because sometimes i think we’re on the right track
and others i fight the upward battle
and sweetheart
i’m losing

how can i pretend to compare you to things far less than you are
to the sky, the sea, the stars
they will always fall short

no, words will never explain
how i feel when i am around you

10 years of finger nail biting
5 years spent hating myself
4 years of self harming
2 years waiting for you to come back
1 and a half years of cigarette smoking

I'll never overcome the worst addiction of all of them

knotted hair, an empty, cigarette stained smile, lost in denial.

she will be the moon in your sky
and i'll just be a shooting star.
i could never compete

For some reason i’ve never been able to let you go.
At first I thought it was because i was in love with you.
But when I fell out of love,
you were still tugging at my heart strings
filling my head with the image of us
and sending some nostalgia over at 3am.
And now i realize it’s because i’m terrified of losing my last piece of you,
of me.
*I want you to chose me.

I measured the miles with the love that I had given to you as my heart traveled mindlessly across the thin telephone wire and countless text messages.
I lost sleep over the thought of being able to touch you one day.
I lose sleep over imagining the feel of your breath across my neck as you held me like I was the only **** thing that mattered to you .
I see you in the midnight stars and in the empty crosswalks and in the scrambled words that litter abandoned buildings
the words are a mess just like my thoughts are whenever I talk to you.
I hear your voice in the back of my head constantly repeating the words i love you
it's like a ******* record that is scratched and it won't stop no matter how many times I try to turn it off.
I heard your laugh ring through my ears until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I'm sorry for taking so long, it was the traffic.
so keep waiting for me—keep waiting, alright?
i’m not far off. I’m only a half hour away from your heart.

i want our story to be that we were so crafted for each other
that when a heavy rain of feelings poured through our umbrellas
both of us were soaked, falling for each other like a summer storm.

Those who the serpent chooses to attack will understand the reasoning as to why the crimson blade calls out our name at night
And why the blood shed is the only way to keep the voices down to a  dull roar opposed to violent screaming
Only those who have faced the demons and monsters which draw us to this powerful addiction won't ask for explanations when things go bad at 3am

Your eyes say a lot about who you are beneath your guarded surface if the right one is looking
The nights spent aching over a deminished love, tossing and turning, holes in your heart burning
The pain you hide so well is revealed  when they take a good look into your dull eyes
The circles from the sleepless nights that your makeup won't cover, they will know and they will love you
They will understand the secrets your eyes have vaguely told and they won't speak a word about it

***** you for ever saying you loved me
and for ever making me fall in love with those eyes
the words you spoke at 2am on long summer nights
***** you for ever letting me listen to your heart beat instead of the silence
and for ever kissing me at the park that unforgiving July afternoon

Even though it's not your fault I feel so deeply about you
regardless of the time apart and the dwindling conversation
regardless if over the years I've fallen and fallen out of temporary love
because I craved to fall back into your arms

You may never understand what goes on in my mind to this day when I see think or hear your name
You will never have a clue about the sick feeling  I still get when I talk to you

I wish that over the years I could have moved on so easily and met some other person who made me feel the way you still do

Unfortunately that won't ever happen and neither will we

you cant just avoid me and use me for your own pleasure
then tell me you miss me knowing id extend to desperate measures
just to make you mine again and bring us back to january
when i was your sanctuary
but now the image of us is nothing but imaginary

you were the rain, always falling when you weren't suppose to
i watched you wash away smiles and flood entire parades
like the rain you kept me indoors,
you were never really my type of weather

i want to kiss every inch of you
and light a fire deep inside your ribs where your soul sleeps
i want to be what awakens your spirit
what sets your mind free

they say you accept the love that you think you deserve,
and i wonder what love  that belongs to me
and which i accept  and maybe deserve.

if you were a drug i wouldn't have a sober vein left in my body.

your lips spoke the words that have spent so long  slamming against my throat
and for that beautiful moment my whole world clicked
- only to collapse again once i woke up.

i don't understand it, but i get it
maybe its from lack of self respect.
am i another disposable?
you're the most complex, fascinating human
lots of layers, but i've barely seen the surface
i crave to know you past the flesh.

i can settle for company, false intimacy.
i know im boring and anxious always
but you do mean a lot.
we can go somewhere only we know
see new things together
or something.
i dont know.

I've lacked to act like myself lately, and im sorry.

i live in a state of constant anxiety
where taking a full breath is highly unlikely.
i always fear doing things wrong,
would you love me after i proved i was unstable?

once nostalgia begins to creep
i think of how the good in our goodbye was a lie
because it has been nothing but tears ever since

why must you ache inside?
praying for someone to come along
to stay up with you until three in the morning
and listen attentively as you list your worries and passions
and burdens, to be envious of your attention
and hold you close without judgment
to be there with you when you're feeling most alone
to assure you everything will soon be okay once you forgive
and remind you that every sunrise and crashing wave is a chance to make things right.

you must realize that no one will be waiting there with open arms
ready to replenish every empty space in your heart.

no one will see you perfect, especially with those crooked teeth that you hate so much.

It corners you at night
and every time you're alone
It slowly gnaws away any fragment of happiness
you allow yourself to obtain.
it eats every  last shred, until there's nothing left
except pain and eventually death.