i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction

you were a series of one times
a one time text
a one time hit up
a one time thing
i knew that to begin with
but why did i check to see if you'd text me again
why when i saw you, across the crowded room did my heart skip a single beat
we are a series of one times
a one time that i wanted to be a some times to an all time
i guess i want all of your time
but i can't have all your time and you don't want mine
i mean we barely have spent time together in the first place
but god
i wish we weren't just a one time

faded into disturbia
felt like i was floating
couldn't see right, night two of devotion
you looked good to me
i hope these lingering attractions fade away
you were a one timer, a say hi and goodbyer
you were not supposed to take up a space in my brain to fester over
i am nothing to you
took hits just to work up the courage to talk to you
we haven't spoken since the one time
i wish i was more than a one time
but you, you have a new long time that i didn't know i wanted to be
took another sip to try and suppress you
took another hit to try and forget you
but there you still were

i swore i didn’t want anything more
feeling free since july nineteenth
the lack of adoration for another person felt like release
but as i lay here
imagining what it would feel like to have someone’s arms wrapped around me
holding on tight as if i was their most valued possession
i am fleeting back into the desire to have a heart that isn’t mine beat for me so rapidly
as if it’s trying to keep me and mine alive.

i swore i would know love when he stopped by
he would be wearing skate highs and know how to ride
i’d probably run into him doing kick flips and listening to the smiths
he’d have amazing style, always wearing black chinos with the bottoms cuffed up
i swore that this model of love would waltz right into my heart and he would be the first and i would only ever know love in that genre
but love turned out to be completely different
love wore khaki shorts and hated the colour black
love hadn’t rode a skateboard since he was nine and even then he couldn’t do a kick flip to save his life
love ditched the smiths for kendrick and thought that kanye was a god
love hated his trousers cuffed at the bottoms, he thought it made him look like a pirate
but love waltzed right in, and took my heart right by the reins and made me realise that i never truly had any idea of who love was before love showed up

i didn’t tell you i loved you that day
the day we sat around and did nothin
the day we watched my dog and i stared at you for about an hour, in awe of your being
the day i sat and watched you become distance from me
the day i had to ask you to kiss me
the day of prom where i felt like an alien in your arms, the same day i began to realise that we would no longer be “we” for much longer
the day you broke my heart and treaded all over it
the days i sat and cried over you but still kept on talking to you like nothing was wrong and that i was totally okay with you breaking my heart, yes of course we can still be friends
the day i saw you after all this was said and done and we went out to eat for my birthday and i was still so in love with you and i think you knew it too, i didn’t hide it very well
the day after all of this had passed, months later, and i saw you and you kissed me agin and told me you missed me but to not get my hopes up about anything escalating, you’re  still not ready for a relationship
i didn’t tell you i loved you, because i knew you wouldn’t say it back
i told you i loved you, and you said you loved me too
i said you didn’t and you took that as a shot to the heart, an attack on you
you told me you loved me in a general “love”, you loved me in all aspects but also not all aspects
and then it all hit me again and i remembered why i didn’t tell you i loved you to begin with.

you got what you wanted
after months of waiting you received the one good thing i had left to offer
why won't you leave
i've built myself up ready for you to leave, and yet you stay
i don't know why you're still here
nothing is keeping you tied down to me, no physical strings
i've prepared myself for your departure
my heart cannot withstand loving you for much longer
when it knows that all you love me for is the things my body can do to yours and not the beauty that lives within it
yet you stay and with each passing second i love you more and more
every hour becomes more torture
and i know deep down that you'll leave
because i am just another girl you liked the look of
a nice statement piece in your bed
a tiny but sturdy frame to clutch onto
another kiss in the dark and barely a wave hello in public
but even though i know all of this to be true
you're still here and i, i still am in love with you