i remember when you said you loved me
each syllable seemed to slice at my cheek as it passed into my ear
you never looked at me when you said it, i never realised it until now
i remember when i knew i loved you, i felt a fire inside my lungs and my body shut down in shock
i couldn't breathe, oxygen turned into carbon monoxide and suddenly everything turned hazy
this was long before you ever said you loved me
even four months later, i still can't breathe when i realise that i still love you

i didn’t realise that in binding our time together i had to give you my silence
i didn’t realise that this relationship was one sided, of course in your favour because who am i to have needs or desires when all that i am goes directly to you
i didn’t remember signing my entire life away to you, letting you take control of my strings and giving you the role of puppeteer
i didn’t realise that you, while you show me glimpses of what life can be would be the very force that restricts me from living
i didn’t realise that my one true arch nemesis would stem from within my own body, an invisible demon living inside my very own temple
i don’t remember you even asking to be apart of my life, i just remember you announcing you presence, suddenly and out of the blue
i don’t remember signing a contract that gave you ultimate power over my being, but i don’t think you crafted one to begin with
i don’t remember saying that you could invite friends to move into my home, but then again when have you ever asked to do anything
i don’t even know how you came to be, but then again, when did my anxiety and cyclomythia ever stem from anything logical, they just turned up one day and made me their permanent residency

is it possible to see a person
every day, every hour
in every aspect of life
and still never get tired of seeing them?
is it possible to get the same
production of emotions each time you even
think of their being? or their laugh? or any aspect of them?
is it possible that every time i lay my eyes on you
i only fall deeper and deeper?
is it possible, to not get your heartbroken by the idea of not being anything, but having someone who is everything?

we were happy, i know we were. it seems so far away now, whatever we had before seems so out of reach now, not that what we have now is bad, not at all, but i can’t help but miss aspects of what we had. I miss the beginning of the past, you were so different then, you seemed to be in for the ****, you seemed so happy then, i don’t think i’ve really seen you so into me since, that is unless you’re trying to get something out of me. I don’t mind it, though, i just miss knowing that you’re fully mine is all. I have this constant worry that I’m simply just not enough for you, even after all this time i still feel like i’m not enough, even when i give you all that i have to give, i still seem to be falling short in some aspect.

i mean you look at me and instantly i cannot help but smile to no end, and all you do is look at me. it’s ridiculous that even after all this time, i still cannot stop the beat of my heart from elevation each time you lay those eyes, those ****** eyes of your on me. i feel like i am invincible and it’s crazy to me that you have that power over me with just a simple glance. even if you gave me the coldest stare you could muster, in between all that ice and bitterness i would still find some warmth and that scares me. the fact that i will always find some fire inside your ice blue eyes, even if i have to imagine that there is still a flame ignited behind them for me. oh it drives me crazy you you can do all of these things to me, after all this time.

i wish i could say that your mine, but quite frankly i cannot and i act like i’m fine with that and most of the time, i convince myself that i am for your sake, but when the lights are out and i’m staring at the ceiling, stifling tears behind my own stone cold blue irises, i am reminded that i am not fine with our current situation or even what the current situation used to be. i am reminded that even though i tell myself i don’t want it, all i really want is the right to be able to say confidently that you are totally and completely mine because i have already given you that power over i, and you didn’t even have to ask for it.

you tell me pretty things
things i craved to hear long ago
you admit to still feeling something and you know that’s enough to convince me to do anything
you give me that look
the look that sends chills all over, the look that could make me **** a man without hesitation
you lean in, i do the same
our lips lock
things escalate
you hands roam
i don’t complain
soon enough you’ve got what you wanted, well for now that is
i go over again, the next day
we do the same show
except this time it’s for your pleasure and my hands roam
i leave
you tell me how good i was
and now here we are
you’re asking for the one thing i am still afraid of
jokingly saying i owe you after four months of waiting
the joke stings
because i know that i’ll give this to you
and you’ll leave
you’ll get what you want and simply just
move on
and i’ll be left, all alone
crying into my cookie dough
questioning why i let you back in
i hope i was satisfactory to your needs

what is there to say
i pour my heart out to you
you say you feel the same
we do what we always do
two days later you tell me you like me but you still don’t want to date
what am i to do?
i know i’ll wait for you, like a lovestruck child
no matter how hard i try
i’m stuck on you, unfathomable as to why
deep down i know you’re stuck on me too
otherwise we wouldn’t be stuck in this mess
it’s such a simple solution
we’re both after the same thing, we’ve established this
so why are you still not ready have it

you told em you loved me today
my first instinct was to deny it, there's no possible way
you repeated yourself once more and i shot it down again
you looked destroyed when i told you you didn't love me, there's no possible way
you insisted you did, reminding me you tell me all the time
but texting and physically saying that time old phrase aren't remotely related
you told me you loved me today
and i nearly died
why can't i accept your i love you when i used to crave it?