the amount of overwhelming guilt
that floods my body each day
has me questioning
whether or not
I am well enough
to love somebody
who seems to be too well
for me

Every time
I see a father with his daughter
I feel the need to thank him
For being good to her
Because she probably isn't as appreciative
As she would be
If she knew what it was like
To live without his love

I'm not haunted by horrifying nightmares
I'm reminded of eerie memories that whisper in my sleep

I'm not driven mad by screaming voices in my head
I'm stalked by vivid images that corrupt my past

I'm not demented by the will to die
I'm torn apart by the death of my spirit

I'm not insane
I'm broken

His eyes were not the reminder of a once well known friend they were the reminder that I only got three hours of sleep last night and there's a test on something I couldn't wrap my brain around because I was too busy searching how to tie a noose on a screen to bright for my tired eyes. I never knew he'd show up unexpectedly at dinner and I could almost see my mothers nose crinkle in disgust either from the stench of my lack of motivation or simply the smell of death. He had this way of holding himself. Hands shaking like a ticking time bomb or way to ready to jump to the next thing to ease the situation.
To ease the situation.
Ease the situation.
The smile carved as big as the jokers planted on a pale face and sunken eyes.
he had bags under his eyes.
bags under his eyes
Under his eyes.
Grimacing under growing bruises and bones that creaked with every movement because he is like an old house. Fun to look at and imagine what it was like in its glory days but spiderwebs and dust seem to be a better turn off than the word no.
No one told them that depression is a battle ground that theyd have to pick up their long lost child from.

I wish I could trust,
The way you speak to me
But I can't help
Watching the lies flow,
Out of your curved lips
Like its natural.
Every time your face
Gets a little stiffer than usual,
Every time I can hear your heart
Skip a few beats
I only wish, I was worthy enough
Of your honesty

That's all I've ever wanted.

I am not unintelligent
Because I am young, or new
I am blooming
I am resilient and learning
I am pure
    And once I get to the place
You always told me,
I could not reach
I won't laugh in your face
But smile in your direction
Thanking you
For shaping my petals
Because they bloomed
In spite of you