Porcelain dolls
perfection in every pore
my imagined self is flawless
and I truly feel that way
around you
so perfect that I think I can be with the A-listers
deny a prince
and kiss a king

I want conversation and car rides,
long nights of green eyes.

I want pastries with whipped cream,
text messages that make me kiss the screen.

I want belted Frank Sinatra,
followed by Moonlight Sonata.

I want gifts I can't afford
that you bought when you were bored.

I want to be calmed and collected,
defended and protected.

I want knowledgeable open-minds,
loquacious words to be defined.

I want my hands to be called soft
and looked at more often

I want my neck to be smelled
then my face to be held.

I want impressed parents,
please share your organic carrots.

I want admiring looks
over the top of Ayn Rand's books.

I want a loss of words
over a song that you just heard.

I want minor disputes
over ideas that don't compute.

I want you to continue to listen
when I question your decisions.

I want button-ups and bowties
that make you different from most guys.

I want time to freeze
and for you to always need me.

I want envious stares
from people who shouldn't care.

I want effortless chemistry
to attract me helplessly.

I want tension filled days,
say you want me with a gaze.

I want my back to be a painting so scandalous
you brush your lips up and down the canvas.

I want clean, boring sheets
to be livened with heat

that I provided.

I want you to be excited

when I come around.

I hope you see yourself in the things that I do,
I hope you see my eyes staring back at you.

Don't think for a moment that I didn't put you there,
Don't think for a moment that I don't care.

Because I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Words you never said to me, words she always said to you.

I hope one day you hear my name,
And watch my art scream my pain.
I hope you see my story told,
Finally free, your words getting old.

I have written you down, I have moved you through my feet,
I have sung you out loud, and I have saved you a seat.

So please, come and watch my display,
My performance of grief, I am the author of this play.
This dance, this art that holds your name,
I hope that you see you too, because I do the same.

I stare into their wandering eyes,
My history there in black and white lies.
Can I go back before this time?
Back when my life was numb and divine.

No mouth to speak, my heart is mute,
This mirror shows what I have learned,
This reflection of the bridges I have burned.
My sickness cut their spirits' root.

My youth propped up, upon a stage,
But freedom lay outside the cage.
The colors surged and blood ran hot,
Can I pay the price to be free of his thought?

Oh lights, oh lights, they blind, they burn,
This hopes' shining vision,
Just a faithless derision,
And my new found freedom still waits its turn.

The mirror shows all this to be true,
A life in the darkness ever fearful of you.
But the mirror cracked as my reflection ignites,
And even without words my electric heart can take flight.

I deserve to breathe, I deserve to live,
But their calloused minds have nothing left to give.

"We have every right to fight for you"

Don't I have the right to fight for me too?

What you call a shield, feels like a sword.
What you think is best for me slices at this cord.
A cord now cut between you and I,
A silence that thickens the air inside.

I deserve to breathe, I deserve to live,
But they don't see all I have to give.

I am fighting a war that can't be won,
Time will set me free, on the run.
And all I want is to make them rage,
I scream for the freedom outside the cage.

I cannot breathe, stuck inside this cell,
My heart is breaking inside this shell.
You cut me off, you cut my soul,
You blocked the door to that which makes me whole.

I can't do this.
My locked up lungs have never breathed in bliss.

Collapsed against the brick wall,
tears puddled on her knees,
devoid of comfort,
she was weeping alone.

This was never supposed to happen.

Heart fractured by a boy,
boss called to let her go,
the death of a loved one,
it could have been anything.

This isn't okay.

I've never known the girl,
never even seen her face;
but I still have to say,
her heart should never break.

This wasn't part of the plan.

Darling, you are more than this,
a greater love is here, I promise.
There will be an end to it;
the aching will cease to exist.

This is all going to be fixed.

Your Father adores you,
His shoulder will catch
your tears before they
have the chance to land.

This is finished.




*~ Matthew Walker ~

Words are ****.
They make me want to rip a pillow with my teeth
Or marinate in a sensuous heat.
Where you'll be, sitting there.
Waiting to kiss my spine and touch my hair.
Tell me regaling tales of what you think.
Of what is rational or obsolete.
Worlds like Suggestive, Sarcastic.
Forlorn and Bombastic.
Makes my skin melt and heart palpitate.
I will no longer settle for those who are adequate.
I need substance. I need someone (you) to say.
That you're enamored and beg me to stay.
I want that learned passion that only we
could portray.

We're on balconies
back towards me
our dramatists
their novelty
higher and higher
following the birds


ghost doll mosquitoes
we worry
it was a big mosquito
we'll hide away in our bed and pray to god it doesn't come back

Today was a sadder day
The sun will be out tomorrow like always
The lights will be on and the puppets out
and about, hanging from the rafters of
their shining theater
You'll realize there's no such thing as magic
And a week will go by and you'll have
forgotten, you blind beautiful creature
We'll be there nonetheless
Because I love you
Because I want you
The angel and the devil agree
The angel heard you laugh and wanted
to keep you laughing
The devil heard you laugh and wanted
to make you moan
And that was something we wanted, both

does it say nothing to you that i want you in every state of mind i've been in?

i am the bronchitis afflicted
memory washed rogue that
spills across the streets like
tears of laughter

i am the screen breathing
hand trembling sweat bleeding
souls of heaven
eyes skyward

i am the all striped all checkered
all wooden apologies
smiles of understanding
leers of worry
tears of laughter

i am the all aching all breathing all shuddering all fire all water
all WATER
all fog
all cold
all alone
ALL JOY