Every day's the same
I fall apart
To make it out and return
It's too hard
The cracks in my skin
I've torn into
The gaps between our bodies
I've looked into
I've got this nothingness inside me
Everyone can see right through
I'm doing nothing
Dancing late night through my room
Curtains open, come and help me
I am nothing like you
I'm terribly confused
And conflicted
My every other thought is wicked
I drown in sickness

You only care when there’s a buckshot to your back
You only pause for the delivery, the action
The match has gone up and left charred the skin

The memory is still there, from years of solidarity
The repeated visits lend the permanence
And no more than an empty lot now, I leave

There once were 2 lilac bushes and a field for my dogs
We lock them in crates now, the outside is only a bathroom

I haven’t had the heart in me to unchain them

There is nothing harder than
Sleeping curled around fragments
Anchored into oblivion

Dream of foreign planets
Skies that open wide from day to night
Snuffing the sun out was a too-quick endeavor

I see his face sometimes, after drowning myself
I blame his face sometimes, for ever having been
I ache sometimes to flash to the ending

It would make sense that less is more
I would eat less if I knew it would shake my core
My convictions are flag-bearing ships

Who would sail to a new land to taste the sea?
Salt water poisons and I grate that hardness in me
It's the garnish on all of my meals

I am the moon, the seas
The air, the breeze
And I take the lips
Of violence greedily
I ache for fists or
My lost grief to be
Visible or tangible
Or able to be grasped
I want your emeralds
Your precious stones

When you gasp and weep
In bed, sheets sweaty and filled with ***
As you grow weak and seek
Solace in yesteryear days of fun
I have already been and am
I am almost done
Reaping from the doubts of the young

I live with death, the handsome fellow
His claws and his hair and his whims
I follow him along every path
Until he tires and changes faces
She is the angel, the beauty, but graceless

Sitting in cloud-filled tombs
I read through the tomes of history
And her story bites through my ears
She whispers to me all my fears
She harvests the things I’ve stolen
She is the diamond of the gods
She is worthless, and wanted
But she takes the emeralds and the sapphires
And she drapes herself in my empire
Satiety waning and continues
To take

Dally the seconds into hours or months
And let the itch take you away
The home you’ve known you grew up alone
Missing allowances from the daze you’re in

You keep your feet up off the carpet
The white **** you’ve been begging to clean
The dirt stains and wine spots are all there is and then they’re not
All permanent fixtures are your wealth to be seen

We put the weight in rotten boards
Under the baggage and in with the dirt
The secrets are bound in leather notebooks
We burned them before we got caught in the words
The danger is losing yourself to a man’s coy looks
I’m scared of the hollow in me
I ask it to be filled and they always comply
But my demons need room to breathe
I evacuate the air so they can multiply

Make me a fictional character

turn my into your nightmare, your dream

As shadows lengthen the sun I

will lengthen my hold in you

Devote me to the recesses of thought

and bring me out when the need overwhelms you

I am whatever you want me

to be, and mold me into

the figure you want me to be

And strong like clay when you put me to fire

My desire to be the ideal

The thornless rose

The willing partner

And after the crime, one of your many

waiting alibis

Should any one inquire within

I am going to be the brick wall they are faced with

Faceless

it was 100+ lines anyway

You look so happy dressed in chains
Sorry you didn’t have that extra second to put a bullet into your brain
They died and the police came for you
You tried but you lost the ******* game didn’t you
Ain’t it funny no one cried
Ain’t it a shame you didn’t die
I bet you planned it out like you knew what to do
I guess that’s just how it goes when life puts fight into you
Right now it’s just a dream of mine
To see their misty eyes and the “please!” and the night
That descends all around their languished cries
I might kiss them goodbye
I might **** myself before I try
Before I see the last light leave their eyes
I’ve heard it felt like I won’t feel empty inside
I like that idea, I’d like that life

Big hands, oh his hands, wrap around my neck like you’re my pretty necklace
I said I could feel **** but I was lying
All I need is the violent leanings of mean men
When did you last ******, dear
I’m still itching to find us there

Take me down when you’d like to
I know you’ve planned it all out, I don’t doubt
You’d like to take my world away
The mask will stay
I’m on my way to being someone great

Do you believe I’ve done this a hundred times
Drug you along just to feel alive, I cry empty words
I bet you’d like to see underneath that hurt
Do your damnedest, try your luck
Drink the liquor, take the ****
Take it angry, **** me up

If I’d have known I would have stopped my games
But imagine all of your longing finally reaching it’s aims
I still wish myself dead and of you the same
Do you still want to do it for me
Do you still agree
Hold a ******* gun to my head or stick it in my mouth
Watch me cry and ******* to it
Shave your whole fist down my throat
And laugh and laugh and *** and gloat

Is this the rest of my life
I feel nothing and I don’t even like to
I’m just angry that I couldn’t even if I tried to
I’m just wishing I never had a life to live through
A true crime kid ***** because of ****, ******, and glibness
People using me is where it is

do i speak to ghosts
the pathological lies of those who fool me
and in dreams
do i see the darkness of ever-approaching
infinity

Wake me
A drive by red stoplight
Up and over
The land - the hills
The urge to keep itching, keep scratching

Keep me from mundane
Familiar conversation with no thought
Nothing guiding
No real meaning
Introspection and motives lost
As the moment passes

Achingly slow, that fire
Runs through the ground and ignites
A smolder - I’m older and I don’t really feel the years

A hand reaching backwards
Tells me to keep up
Lest the conversation pull me away

I. Sit with me on the cement
Test my mind
Fill my head with platitudes

II. Oh, the wonders of the body
Not yours, just mine
Leaving kisses on Weekday afternoons

III. I drink too much wine
Soft-core **** and Halloween binge
You tell me I am too much

IV. There wasn’t ever anything
But I had been held
You were too old, anyway

V. I can’t tell you how I admire you
Too often, I hope
But I am obsessed

VI.   *****-filled and hot chocolate
Defend my honor, cadet
Grow tall and stronger

VII.     How can I decipher
Your logic when I am drunk
How was I supposed to know you wanted to be what he was to me?

VIII.   Innocent laughter, we dance
I know not what to do
On your lap, with my hands

IX.   Friend, what we were
A blacked-out night
We finally kissed

There's a stark visual aid
To compare true nature to
No spontaneity to save
Lost it all in this mess
I've made
Little things decaying
Own me, own me
Do you like my necklace
Wanna wrap your hands
Around it
Do you recognize me
You've been in my head
Mr. Violent-Not-Unlikely

I've put my deepest secrets
Out online
So ask away, what's left
I've managed to stabilize
Numbness in me

I apologize for my slumped shoulders
But I feel a need to collapse inwards
While you put your back towards me
I am speaking to your subconscious gesture
I will leave, then

Walk the riverbank as light fades
Blue skies are an envelope for dusk
The stars open the night to me on the left
There's no sunset to behold
I was too late exiting school to watch
Yesterday, the fog and rain made the sunset give me a rainbow

Autumn has come and left me longing for cold
Winter always feels like eternity
The sun's white light is cleaner than dead plant matter

I am at fault for the things I perceive
When I am surrounded by nature
Watching lovely nymphs dancing through trees
My head's so busy, thinking, of only me
Settled down, at night, I relive my day
Too many calories consumed by me
Too much of a disappointment to be
Anyone but myself- and awake, I lay
The men I want, and the things I crave
Escape my grasp, my loose fist clasps too late
Today I asked a boy to date me, he lied, he hates me
I attract those who can't tell I hate me, too

I always catch men staring
And I feel a searing guilt
Of acts only committed in mind
Because I remember and
I find even the thoughts repulsive
I'm fine now, but thoughts evolve and
Triggering can't explain well enough

Weary footman
Relax your vanities
Your possessions
They are mine
Leave hurriedly
Lest our minds
Also cross paths

I can account of scarcely more than my own perception
My clever tricks keep me swift
I can approach without falter
As long as I must not review or alter
The notions on which I exist

While conversing with myself, I mention
A series of eerie similarities of things that be
To render useful ambivalence I ignore myself
I disregard whims, wants, and health
Finally, yes, all is clearing
I can see

of course, i'm alright
i've just got my drunk vibe on tonight

i don't know who i'm with

i'm on top of the world, lights flickering

a burning taste, a sweet embrace, follow me down