I'm feeling monumental
like I've made a plan and followed through
but I don't finish anything
not thoughts or even this poem

She was finding it hard to not look at him. She was glad he was driving right now.
She noticed his hands for the first time. His face didn't betray his age. He was too colored, by experience or value, to have something so insignificant obviously displayed on his features.
He fiddled his hand over the steering wheel. She could see a few protruding veins. His forearms, still half-covered, showed skin that looked worn and weary, but heavily muscled. She wondered why she had ever looked to his face to find his age. It clearly was of less use to her than his hands.
He readjusted himself beside her, picking his left leg up and propping it up to his thigh in the drivers seat. The closed triangle lost her attention.
She looked to her own hand, wondering if the age was displayed in it, as well. Pale, fleshy, youthfulness; nothing marred by lines or dryness to meet her view. Perhaps, this was just a marker of work. She had done little with her time. He looked over at her for a moment, eyes grinning with what his mouth wouldn't dare speak. They lock eyes and when the contact breaks, continue to drift down the road.
"How old are you?" She asks him. The first words she had spoken to him since their physical encounter. He considers her for a moment.
"I'm 40."
"Oh."
"What?" He asks her.
"I don't know."

Do you remember anything
From when we stole the car and drove across state
The time slows so far down
That time still replays
alright, okay, it's fine, it's fun
Nature is a part of all of us, you remind me
Because I forget anything about the world I'm in
Could you hold me up again
Because I haven't touched my plate
I could let go of everything but this, it seems
Just hold on tight and get out of your dream world
okay, alright, I'll be alright

I think it's time for everything to end
There's nothing here
there's nothing I can get
I want to feel the things I haven't felt
I need everything I can get
I need help
Time keeps slipping
The clocks unwind and I roll with it

Everyday the sun rises and falls
Everyday I want to die
But there's something in me that isn't right
and someone's lying next to me tonight
I keep slipping
Out of my clothes and into bad habits

Do you think that it's a good time to die?
I've got nothing,
or, I want nothing
Time keeps passing by
I think I'm in love with the night
This is what I am
A proponent of easy-living

Why don't we end the pretense?
Jump off a bridge
It just makes sense
I can't remember why I've been
sitting around doing nothing
This is what I am
If the time is right
why should I live?

I know all about depriving myself
Who needs sleep?
Who needs food or love?
I need coffee, I need a smoke break
I need someone to hold me up

It's great that you're here for me
But I can't take what you want to give me

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie

I know what I'm doing to my body
I know how the mind suffers so
But what is this trap that I've already fell in?
This darkness, pitch-black, that I've caught myself in again

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie

Did you wake up on the right side of the bed?
I'll wake another, so tell me you know what I want

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie
Darling, don't think twice
I'm counting on nothing
I know I'm not gonna make it out alive
I'm doing what I said I'd be doing by this year at this time
I'm doing what I told you I'd be doing
Planning a way to end my life
Counting on you to not think twice
Counting on nothing to be a release from this life

****** woke up and said, "Let's pass some time.

I'll give you what I have, if you will take all of my sorrows away.

All of the bad, bad, days.

You can have the anxiety and my greatest mistakes."

****** woke up to share all her things

****** woke up and said, "Here, have my everything."

And he took them

Wake up and follow me home
We can't get that far when he doesn't want me
But I can't let up
He's everything that keeps me up
I'm sure I could write a novel
And package it in two or three

The best kind of love
where everybody bleeds more than once

I saw you through those old-fashioned flings
Sea-glass for Wendy and nothing for me
It began with Benzedrine
And me forgetting how to sleep

For welcome home
You just gotta shed your skin
I'm sure you could if you tried it
And if you let me in
If you let me in

Sleep is calling to you and I

Escape until you've finished tonight

Then rest, with ease, wrapped like warm

Under blankets of sweat of skin

No mate, not now, but soon, around,

You'll find a direction to take

Designated *****
Tastes and wasted time
Waking up bored enough
To jump off a building
Listening to forty
Years of life and love
I share mine of nil
I've had my fill
Of nonsense for today
Iced-over managing me
Lied obscene moderating
Miniscule matters
Multiplied by how much I dread
The amplification
Arduous impotency
Marked on inadequately
Silence as the fall completes

):

deleted

they really need to add a delete button

deleted

I turned the page
Opened my self up
to find what I wanted
eager
to grab
that which appeared to me
Prepared for the worst
expecting the best
A function of ego
Let go
Let go
of it
everything
a fictitious
nothing

Is there a way to describe the hopes I've seen
The thoughts I have felt
The dreams I've dreamed?
In a simple way
a thought can be collapsed.
Every moment I'm away from the indulgence I die.
Every second I am denied
I wither and plead to a heaven
that I could be free of this
free of anything that could keep me frayed and oppressed
Could we shame the liars?
Could we tame the beasts inside our minds?
Condemning us to a mediocre life,
only to reach full potential if we manage
to bend the rules and have no remorse,
no regrets.
But we need to ask if that is a sacrifice we are able to make.
Or is it a decision that should be left to a god or goddess,
a ruler of sorts.
Somebody you have always wanted to be.
Somebody who wishes they could leave their place,
tired of the adoration. Tired of the smiles and pointless
rules they apply to keep us down.
But they don't expect us to understand.
An addiction to a life of putting down.
An addiction to power.
And all the times they could be held close, forgotten...
they lost their chance.

Sweet to the taste
homemade
Fruitful sugars
and aging
a lone space
A magical concoction
better than
any perceived
besides natural
plant life
Grown
To realize
You exist

The time cascades
voluminous and at full speed
We do not stop for thought
or risk losing our place
I am the trader of all trades
We shed to give off seeds
and all I think means naught
as I've relapsed into an outer space

I often ask myself questions without answers
Observe what happens in sensible manners
A thought, I find, is less than it seems
because hearing voices is illusory dreams
I view in pictures and notions
review summaries of oceans
condensed to a raindrop
after it has evaporated
I can't trace back to review each idea
in its fleeting, fleeting, and magical scale
I sift, and I sift, with little avail
and then, Viola! I am struck with truth
Logic denial has brainwashed roots
and I, ego included, escape
I share and I lie and I propagate
because life, though a trifle and long
is simple enough to be written down
in a few short lines, by even the worst
writer or scientist or creationist-****
Live, breed, die, the cycle
that has bound me into constant denial
Die, die, die
The last truth
I have been running away
since my long-ago youth

I am absolutely petrified
afraid of little and big alike
living like someone half-alive
not radioactive, but acting spite
If I could exist another way
be born into night, as I was into day
it would be much easier to hide

Why exist at all when not really alive?

Ponder upon the hatred of all
Why exist for something that is nothing at all?
These people, these peasants ask for it
these stupid, whining, petulances
talking to me as if I care
With so-called clever small talk, unnatural air
gasping and panting for one more breath
that they'll get and ask for again

A cycle, a cycle of loving demands
that will end with me, by my hands
Why exist for nothing at all?
It serves to remind
It is alright if you've already died

A night of sorrow
A tune of death
Rejection burns deep
I find a hole in my heart

Until im worthy of your love
Nothing left to say
I prepare for departure
Thougths begin to cluster
What have i done to you...
What did i do to me?

The dead cloud
Calmly leads the sail
The night cries for you

Now alone
Looking at pictures of us
My cascade of tears fall upon uncaring eyes
Shadows surround me
Crying out my name
Bleeding,
I am fallen.

A sliding current
lukewarm stirrings
taking me with it
Downstream, I float
taking myself away
from me

And campfire
smoking away day
into dusk
Staring into me
as I, it
separates me

Damp dirt tastes
in my stew
The fire, barely tended
life from leaves
Quick to burn
as easy to end

Acting in pageant
Passive elective
Done no wrong
No lies
No singing of songs
Life, today
Leaves
Lackluster
Musted-over
Lingered over
Every thought
Each want
Undone
As time unwinds
To each his own
Each leaf a throne
Avoidance every
What now
Can I do
Will I go
Through
With
The
End
I
Desire
Of myself

A glimpse in
Where matters are settled
Where emptiness as devil
Etches patterns
On my stone walls
A cave where light seldom reaches
A palate of distrust, hatred, blood
Inside it shines
In light of the seed
Of hope I cling desperately to
I bask in its heats release
Shy away from the dark
Though it permeates
Waiting for falter
I am drug under
The gasps and slights in breath
A shaky end, whitened blend of
The peace and serenity within
They end
Blackened attraction for finality
The action to silence
And extinguish all I see
All I am, me
When I glimpse in

I have deleted

I am meant to feel
positive
I am insignificant
I want talent
and I strive to achieve
that which will never be in my grasp
So I undertake these challenges
These tests of my capabilities
and when the going,
as it is said,
gets tough - I quit
I do not have the time
nor the imagination
nor the qualities
nor
no
nothing
and this poem
full of pity-filled
hatred
is going on longer
than I have meant it to

It is over - again
before it's meant to be
because I can not stick
to one thing
Bored, restless
and I'm not good enough
to continue
to prosper

It is over - again
I have to let them
know why
to provide excuses
as they are truths
my lies to self

It is over - again

Mutterings
between whispers
among friends
Unlike the brazen
hope fills these interactions
but flees
Nothing stays
Stillness, long enough
to mark itself
as corporeal

I hear things
Decisions
Exacted morality
against tradition
lies new buds
A field of flowers
to blossom, come summer
If even it bothered
to share heat
and enlighten us creations

Such natural place
among sky, trees,
scurrying of critters
None specific or named
but said to be dangerous
to we blossoms
Standing tall on thin lines
a massive weight
We are just alive
acting peasants
still, pleasantries
I believe in nothing
I am flesh
I bleed, not green
or flowered petals
To decorate this decay
naturally
this solves nothing
and is too clear
A preference of metaphors
to my honest fears

And there was nothing
No itching to relieve
Something so irritating
and noxious as fumes
I exist to consume
and be consumed
a fleshy being
With little to lose
I exist, exist as blue
Not sky nor sea nor calm
but endless and deep endued
I asked for it
Raised to perfection
So, well, I settle
before night ensues

Wordless
exact, completed
but too young
too lively
to wither
and gray

Timeless
inside of heads
to turn off
machines
that give breath
life

Hectic
Frantic longing
of past art
a God, and
I ranted
for
more

To take that which lies
and insist on compromise
tired, sleepless night
I chose to be hungry

Invaded incense musk
lilac bush in the faded light of dusk
the buzzing of bees has finally ceased
and I chose to lie, hungry

The smell of metal
my tongue and nose taste as it's wetter
summer rain, warm breeze through screens
I do not eat, though I am so hungry

Under blankets of sun and sheens of sweat
I let go of reality I seldom met
taste turns sour, no matter it's source
still, I deny myself the worst

Idealizing my death, among life
Trees, grass, flowers, smiles mask me
I will always be this hungry
as long as creation follows death

I am apportioned to the beast
in this porcelain affair
Laid back against the will
imposed upon me
If I were at fault I would concede
Full of everything besides this
abhorrent singularity

The worm is no more than the fungus
as I am no more than he
but this **** ego collapses
When I feel no superiority
Illuminated by yellow light
a bathroom mirror destroys the illusion
My distorted features

Allowed to imagine the similarities
Mood sour, taut skin, sunken features
existing just to taunt myself
I haven't died, nor even tried
Stuck in the hollow between emotions
life continues alone to leave me
pacing and writing my disease

wow i just ****

Silky body
glistening leaf
the trees, alive, sing

I dress
modestly enough
to impress myself
I choose from two skins
show ******* or show legs
I've learned that doing both
makes you slutty
not my words
not my decision

I am not usually bothered
society is a fault
but then I remember
and get new examples
every time
I want to look nice
only for me

I am asked who I want to impress
I look attractive
not like every other day
and is there a man in my life
because I must only do this for him
yes, yes, you are sure
and I am an object

This reminds me of long ago
of a childhood halted
and of a different dark night
where my foolishness
caused me to suffer
always the fault of me
I always continue
to move forward

But these steps back
caused by greedy eyes and fingers
and sweaty palms and simple words
and nice gestures
never explicitly stated
these will all lead to me
disappointing someone
because I can not deliver anymore
that which has been taken from me

I carry the knowledge around always
I am not my own
I am pieces, scattered, taken
fleshy longings
I wonder if it is a lack of control
or a gesture of dominance
on their part
but it really doesn't matter

This is already reality
I exist solely for others
and I was never taught this
by my mother, who now mentions
I turned out wrecked
and horrible as a result of a childhood trauma
that I don't know how to fix inside of me

I want to give myself away
to any man who shows me a tiny
piece of the affection I crave
and it's dangerous
and I do not let myself know any man
I do not make friends
or talk to people more than necessary
and I don't even want to know
what they think of me
I fade into backgrounds
and behind white noise

I'm not even distraught
as this is my only choice

admire me
the way I brush paint on canvas
before the purpose finds a footing
before the colors melt together
and the scenery is lifeless
admire how I read books
for hours on end
the expressions that read on a dull face
otherwise marred by furrowed eyebrows
admire the lilt in my voice
and the uncontrollable pitch
that gives away my every intention unwillingly
admire my great feats of prose
my plump, woman body
my awkward hands and pretty clothes
admire me when I don't even come close
to tickling your fancy
admire me because I exist
dote on me and give me your wishes
admire me as I grant what I can with kisses
admire my nymphet desires
admire my candy coated lips
admire me and want me
admire me

I share the fault
with all the world
sheltered women who haven't heard
the division of society
more than young and old
the innocence of one
the truth of all
the escape that was mentioned
of life and love and thought
and the law who insisted
with no place to have undone
the time that's spent
blood shed as it went
no notice, nor crime
just warnings, every "this time..."
so society as a whole
each of their individual souls
made, to end, prescribed, then sent
along its path, too soon, too soon
a pre-destined night under a moon
and the lust of attraction
the haste of their actions

all death is meant to be
the hero is he, you see

I write when I begin to feel
emotions are things to purge
and though not often does this occur
my words are masterpieces
waiting to be heard
As if I feel something I will imagine
Just for a grade
Just for some attention
pay me in your admiration
if it exists
Feed me false confidences
if I fall short in deliverance
But my ego is such it shall remain untouched
I am better than skilled in deception
I am a masterpiece painting its way
I am so purposeful
when I am set to complete
any task or chore I meet
but poems, they require a felt beat
that only comes naturally
when allowing notions to be free
and I purge all that comes
before I can contribute
that nonsense to me

This poem is a place to purge my soul
of dark and sad and grievance old
tracing the timeline backward, away
to my life as a child, listless days
The men who won't have me
and the few who do
The hurting ache of physical roles
and the relief of finished holes
I dedicate this to a brother, half-awake
all the friends I've let go
for their little mistakes
and the hours every day I ran
while out of fuel through my ruined lands
For my inability to love or feel or wish
to the loser in my life who caused it
and my mother who feels the fault
and my skin that has scars self-inflicted
I have an ode to share with future self
wealth, health, and ache keeps you alive
it serves to remind
It is alright if you have already died

I do not oppose will
nor bend away
when challenged or tied

but to deny me
a true torture
though I will not fight
nor wish for a difference
or an attitude
because objectively
rejection is easy

I've sadly woken up
once again, as daily
ministrations prove fruitless
a wanton lust
nothing real or beyond
physical realm

Can I
itch or scratch me away
to reveal anything
a youth
some truths
someone else
Can I
have this essence
experience and my mind
but let go all else
reduced to naked skin
made for him and his sin
Can I
hold old ideals up
on alter, unaltered
religiously revered completely
Black and dull beyond measure
just circumstantial
by birth
and disgusted
Can I
resolve that ache
and wake, new
not prisoner of body
Self-made misery
subject to looks
and wordless stares
I
stripped of me
what am I
Can I
a slightly parting mouth
closed eyes
Shut away inside
until life redirects
and time reverses
I
No longer I
Can I
have nothing else
Recollect
No recollections
I should mention
there's no family
or ugly girl
No more to see
Pecola
I
Just I
Blue eyes
like I always knew
Can I