Why am I smiling?
I cut myself on my thigh
I saw the blood rush out and I knew I’d done a terrible thing
So why did I smile?

I dropped to my knees and forced ******* down my throat
I saw this morning’s breakfast come up and land in the toilet bowl
I knew I was damaging my body for good
So why did I smile?

I didn’t eat for two days time
My body ached and my mind ran amok
I knew there would only be more pain
So why did I smile?

I damaged myself
I hurt myself in ways beyond repair
I felt the pain I thought I deserved
Why does this make me smile?

Remember me?
You thought I left you, but I will never leave you.
I’m the only thing in your life that will never leave you
You may not want me, but you need me
I’m a part of you
You’re nothing without me
So close your eyes
I’m in control again

I will not be hungry
I will resist eating
I will be strong
I will not give in

Eating is weakness
Eating will hurt me
Eating will bring me shame
Eating will make me ugly

But then I eat
And then I purge

I purge until I’m empty
I purge until I’m clean of guilt
I purge until I’m clean of disgust
I purge until I feel nothing but bile on my lips

No matter how many times he hurts you
No matter how many times he wrongs you
No matter how many times someone tells you how dangerous he is
You crawl back

You crawl back with a head full of muddled thoughts
Searching for satisfaction
Convinced that he’s your salvation

Each time you lie next to him
In a fitful sleep
Bearing your guilt as he sleeps smugly and soundlessly beside you
Because he knows that no matter how much you fight

You’ll be back