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ashley Feb 2016
you dont know me
once the lights go out
you dont know me
once my blood starts running
you dont know me
when i collapse on the floor screaming
you dont know me
when i scratch at my skin
you dont know me
you dont know my sin
you dont know me
the depths i hide within
you dont
ashley Feb 2016
I would crawl to your house, with broken legs, and a splinter in my thumb and without a jacket, in a snow storm, just to see your smile and feel your embrace.
You deserve the world baby
You deserve this.  We deserve this.
I love you for you.  Your kindness, your thoughts, your love.  Your soul.  You are like no other person.
You're divine, my love
I'll hold your hand through everything
Kiss that sweaty forehead and ****
Dig the grave for the ******* that try to stop us
I love you Ashley.
gone gone gone
ashley Feb 2016
I almost drove to California today
I like to pretend that love is the key
I miss the ocean
I wish I was dead more often than not
I haven’t eaten in two days
I miss you more than ill ever admit
Im begging to get over you
Though im begging to lie next to you
I cant remember the last time we kissed
I want the waves to wash you away
Wipe my brain of the lessons you taught me
About how to love
And how to let go
ashley Feb 2016
Some things you look back on and it feels like it didn't happen. It all feels like a haze or a dream even though the scarring it's left on your mind is very, very real. I remember seeing his smile, her laugh, the way my friends eyes crinkled in delight when they spoke. The beginning of the summer feels like a haze and sometimes it's all I have to keep me warm when the winter comes.
I as a person don't feel real sometimes. The question if really anything matters at all crosses my mind more frequently than I'd like to admit. Every passing minute turns into a new memory and the future is so uncertain, it's hard to let go of the past and look towards it. When I was a kid I thought I'd have everything figured out by now, you reach adulthood, you get in your own, then you realize how unprepared you actually are. How scary and cruel the world can be no matter who you are. I'm afraid that as I reach the looming hardships of a life on my own, I'll forget what matters, I'll forget how to be happy. Maybe that's why photography means so much to me, these frozen moments in time. Happy days and beautiful things frozen forever so I won't forget. I won't forget the sunsets or the times when things were good between friends.
Memories mean so much in the hardest of times and I find myself in reflection of my past when I'm depressed. Flashbacks of taking him to the hospital. I can hear the clicking of instruments and the color of his hospital gown. The hours spent in a chair next to his bed, the blood in the IV, small details that seem insignificant but stick to my mind like they are covered in glue. I can still hear the raspiness in his voice as he told me he loved me for the first time in that hospital corridor. Fluorescent lights buzzed and reflected in the coolness of his blue eyes and I can still hear the stutters in my reply echo in my head. That is a memory taped to my wall, his disgruntled profile lying in a hospital bed. Memories on clothespins scream of a better time, when everyday was a gentle laugh and not a silent car ride. I can see my lipstick smeared on his cheek as we baked cookies in his kitchen, the smell of cinnamon clinging to our clothes as we lounge with friends in the living room. I carry a photo from that day in my wallet I keep it close to my ID as part of my identity, I won't let these days that meant so much fade away from who I am.
I have files and drawers and boxes and books full of photos, each one a bookmark in my mind of a better time. The brown depths of my best friends eyes in my laptop, the light trail of a man’s cigarette in my drawer, a smile in a box, a laugh in a book, moments trapped forever in film. Memories and stories keep me going, they fuel my drive to survive in the harshest of times. The hope that someday things will be clear and happy again keeps me moving forward with memories tightly clenched in my fists.

But-
Even as memories bring comfort, they can also bring pain. The most sweet of memories can turn into poison when things change. They turn bittersweet and as you reflect on all the sunny mornings spent in his bed, you can feel your heart begin to split and crack. I remember the day he broke my heart, I could hear every word he said but the whole time I had music stuck in my head. The sound of my sobbing and the cracks in his voice accompanied by music, it all felt like a terrible, terrible movie. I remember the snowfall that night when he drove me home and I swear on everything the earth has to offer that my heart was 20 degrees colder. Days pass and turn into weeks and the photos on your wall become like ghosts. Ghosts of a better time, of a sunnier day, and the pain they bring outweighs the assurance they once gave you. Even as they brought you comfort, of hope for the future, you look at those frozen smiles with tired eyes, you look at these pictures of past love and you feel your hands unclench around the memories you once held so tight. It's time to let go of the good times to make room for new ones and the tears you shed as you take down each photo seem to be the most bitter. There is now empty space on your wall, free of painful things, beckoning a new day to fill the void. An empty space free of memories, it  gives you peace. Amidst all the pain and uncertainty, a new hope begins.
ashley Feb 2016
I Want It Real
Sequel To My Sisters Term Paper

People say my writing is good while I just think its words at best. I write about the things I know well, i don’t think I could ever write anything other than that. I write about my experiences, maybe just twisted a little but in every sentence you could find the truth about me hidden somewhere. I wrote my stepsisters term paper about my heartbreak, she got an A and a standing ovation from her professor. he asked where she learned to write and the funniest thing is that i was never taught. I just did. I wrote about how you broke my heart, maybe more than that, you left severe internal damage. Trauma to my head and left my lungs gasping for air. The sad thing is that i absolutely KNEW that it was coming. I even debated if I should be the one to do it, I didn’t think you had the courage too. But in the end we found out who the real coward was. Or maybe i was just selfish. Months passed and I was still head over heels for you despite the scars that remained and bled occasionally. You seemed to feel the same and now, we are back together. I couldn’t be happier to be in your embrace as an actual part of you again but i would be a liar if i said that i wasn’t afraid of you. Afraid of a repeat of what happened, completing a circle of pain that left me days without a shower and days without a dry eye. But now that I can safely safely say that I love you, I have to think about the productivity behind what happened. Maybe the heartbreak healed us. Maybe the pain was medicine, bitter as it was, and we just don’t know it yet- that time is actually a cast for what is broken. Cause we are not shattered anymore. Though I am timid, I know that this time, we are more real. Less lovestruck.. more in love. It is real when I sit on the counter and you patch up my knee from falling down. It is real when we can lay in the dark and just talk. It is real when we are uncontrollably laughing from comedy in your bed. I don’t feel like a child lost in love but I feel safe and stable when you are near. It is real in my heart when I say that I love you and I leave for the night. It is real when I shield my eyes from the light to look towards the future. I don’t know what will happen but I’ll keep your hand in mine and this healing love close to my heart.
ashley Feb 2016
i like to put raspebrries on my fingers
and i like to smoke cigarettes in my window
i like to torture myself
cause i like to kiss you
and i like to think its childish
that you have to date to love
but my friends like to say that im killing myself
but the truth is im killing us instead
i like to give myself pain
like you gave me time and time again
i like to think we'll be okay
i just dont know when
taylor i love you and im sorry for that
ashley Feb 2016
i wanted to live a life of neon signs and tie dye shirts but im living this life of the suffocating afterglow of psychedelics and trying to work an 8 hour shift at a fast food restaurant the next day. sometimes i only paint one of my hands and sometimes im ready to drive away from this town and never look back. I hate talking to my parents because of how manipulative they are and their lack of empathy is extremely disturbing to me along with their extreme religiousness and materialistic behavior. i can barely write anymore and even this is an extreme chore and i want to quit. all i can write about is how everything *****. how i cant stand the sight of myself and how i have no talents or hobbies. how
ashley Apr 2016
im so tired and you keep rubbing my heart in glass
i dont undertsand why you cant love me the way you used to
when we were just a bit younger and my heart was new
now im bruised and i dont weant to see your face
stop trying to change me
ashley Sep 2016
lately i cant help but lay in bed and worry all day
ashley Feb 2016
drugs have never revealed to me anything close to revolutionary
i did not discover the truth of the world
the answers to lifes questions
of death and love
did not appear
all i discovered is that sunlight is harshest the next morning
and that we were drifting farther apart
that blood dripping off my arm looks like the sea
lulls me in
the sound of voices tears my brain apart
i want to drift back into the abyss
and forget
ashley Feb 2016
if you'd rip my skin off
Underneath it'd say
Thank you for loving me
As I'm bleeding under your hands
It's all you can see
Just "thank you for loving me"
Your touch cuts me
like a hard punch from a kings fist
Diamonds split my lips
And I still strangle out the syllables
Thank you for loving me
Your love was a seed I planted in my skin
And it grew into dandelions
In my eyes their yellow brilliance couldn't compare
But my friends screamed that they were nothing but weeds
Barbs on leaves hooking me
Sinking me deeper
For your smile I'd resurface
To say
Thank you
For loving me
Don't take this to heart
ashley Oct 2016
Taylor,

I wish that you could see yourself the way I see you. When you look at yourself, you see your mistakes, your past, your body, etc. You see a guy who strives so hard to be the hero but the cape never quite seemed to fit. And you felt like you could never win, never make everyone happy while at a disregard for your own well-being. You let the things that you’ve been told your whole left take root in your brain and grow into something parasitic. Something crippling and I swear to god when you reflect on yourself you must be seeing the image in a shattered mirror. You look at your body like it’s the remnants of a house. All scrap metal and broken wood. But you are more than stray debris from the hurricane that has been life misfortune placed on you. You are something amazing and unusual, unlike anyone else on this earth. You miss the small things that make you, you. The small freckles on your ears and arms, tiny kisses from the sun, like the universes promise that you are loved. The sun glinting in those beautiful blue eyes, (or green as you’ve told me a million times). The small crinkles around them as you smile, warming my heart and the whole room. Perfect porcelain teeth and a smile as striking and wide as the sea itself, and holds about as much as beauty and life as the Pacific, I swear. I see you in everything around me. I see you in the warm light that drifts in through my blinds in the morning, when I’m wishing you were next to me. In the steam of a hot drink and the first cigarette of the day. Street lights reflecting on cars, small animals, early morning breakfasts- sipping coffee in that little booth, and all those small things that make life worth getting up in the morning. You make my life worth getting up in the morning. No matter how depressed or tired or greasy or ***** I will always find my way back home to your bed. Back to you.

The long story short of this letter is that you are much more than you seem. You are more than the mistakes of your past or the parts of your body you hate. When I see you I see a kind man. I see intelligence and caring and protectiveness. I’m not going to sit here and patronize you and act like you are without flaws, but who isn’t? No one is without flaw and I still love every one of yours. Every part of you. I fell in love with you for your soul and the heart pumping under your ribcage.

You’re only 19 my love. Things won’t be this ******* you forever. All these beating waves are shaping and smoothing the way for something great, I promise.

I love you Taylor James.
ashley Mar 2016
I want to disapeer
I want the earth to drag me under
Much farther than a casket
I'll burn up in the mantle
ashley Feb 2016
we are very different in some ways but if art class taught me anything it was about coomplimentary colors. We are oppposites but we fit. we make eachother better like colors on opposite sides of the spectrum.
ashley Feb 2016
i cant be what you need.
ashley Feb 2016
My legs laid across you
Eating suckers and laughing
You're so handsome when you smile
And

Oh no
I love you again
ashley Jun 2017
Those first feelings of love
I can still smell it
I can smell the black light in his bedroom
Is that weird
Like static Like an electrical fire The first time to told me I was beautiful 
I could feel my eyes being in to melt
I’m not crying 
Its a hallucination 
And I can smell where girls left daggers in your heart
I can taste the cigarette butts outside your window 
Taylor are you listening 
Are we in love anymore
ashley Feb 2016
i love you more than words can say
but ive hardly the mouth to speak your name
ashley Feb 2016
I left my body behind years ago in the dark but I still look behind myself more often than not
I thought I didn’t have the strength to lift you into the light but I feel the sun trickle in every time that you cry
Long ago I learned
You didn’t have to rhyme to make someone’s heart skip
My words were never meant to be smooth
I couldn’t make them less jagged if I tried
In another universe you’ve never tasted a gun on your tongue and I can fix all the scars your family left behind
We have hearts made of hairline fractures and I’ll hold yours together the best I can
A tight grip with blood stained hands
ashley Feb 2016
you broke my heart once again i cant say that i didn't see it coming. the little things that added up to my paranoia, suspecting that you didnt love me. i like to think maybe if we met at a different time... when my mind was less shattered and your bones were healed. maybe if we were different people and it was different times. but right now its january and you said goodbye. you said sorry and i ignored you for 3 days. im too tired to keep writing about heartbreak. i just wish i couldve kissed you one last time.

— The End —