How curious...
You’re rather intriguing
So kind and so wild
Gentle and loud
You hold little back
I can see you clearly
Flaws and all
And my... how respectful...

But what makes you so...

Unique

Is this:

You listen

You hear my self-deprecation

You notice when I don’t take care

You make me laugh
Really, truly laugh like none other

I’m happy with you

You see me.

You’re just so... good.

I stand next to you
And I just want you to hold me
I can nearly feel your warmth


But alas...
Though you’re quite kind
You’ll never want me
Not like that

So, why are you still in my head?

Can’t feel much at all can I?
My body knows how to function
It can be polite, pleasant
Say all the right things
It’ll even smile and laugh
And then instantly
The numbness spreads again
Filling my chest, my head
Everything goes cold
A sort of... annoying sadness
A persistent dull ache
Everything good is forgotten
Smiles erased
Like nothing will ever
Be okay again
Or... was it ever?

I thought
If I could just
Relax
Calm my tired body
It would be better
But it turns out
In the calm and quiet
I can hear so clearly
So loudly
Everything that’s troubling me
Torturing me
So I stay busy
I run
Exhaust myself
And then
Once again
I rest
And hear it all again
I just....
I need a silence
That doesn’t torture me

You truly hate her
Don’t you?
You wish she’d never been.
You can’t even look at her
The innocent child within
She was just a young girl
But you sit with her
And all you feel is pain
She doesn’t understand
She thought she was loved...
Why didn’t she feel loved...?

I look at you
And I hate you
You were weak
You were useless
You brought me here!
I know you didn’t understand
I know you were helpless
And I’m angry at you for it

And what do you do
When you face me,
Little girl?
You sit there
Throw your head in your hands
And sob
How pathetic.

I suppose I can’t accept
That the story in my head
Just might not be true
But what would that mean..?

What would I like?
Oh... what's that fantasy..?
Been there for years...
Longer than I'd care to admit
The image, the sensation
The story of my fall.

There's always been something
About a fall
When the body just... fails
Exhilarating, isn't it?
To just... fall in defeat
Forced surrender to your flesh
Knees buckle
Ground sways....
Maybe the vision blurs
Then the world's encompassed
In a peaceful darkness

You've fought for so long, darling
Isn't it about time for a surrender?
Even simply a retreat?

Ah... but you want to fight to the end...
You want the point of failure
Push until you break
'Cause you deserve it, don't you?
You can't give up
Not until every last drop of blood is spilt
It's your job
You are the one to fight
Until you succumb to exhaustion
Until you can fight no more

You're ready, aren't you?
Ready to fall
You'd force it now
One last push
Take the final blow
That sends you reeling
The one that you can't get back up from
You're ready to be finished
You desire the delirium
Of being so near death
Just to drink in the exhilaration

There's a problem here
Something's wrong
My mind... it's so... broken
My heart needing... longing
Yet this body... this flesh screams of excess
Healthy and full, it would seem
How incongruent
I think... I think I'd like to fix it.
I'd like to see the marks on my limbs
Where you've lacerated my heart
Over and over again
And I have to return for more
I want my body to fail
Like my mind did
Like I want to
I want to go weak
I don't want any strength to be left
I want it to be clear
I require aide!
As long as I'm standing
Strong and smiling
I will never get what I need
I will never be noticed
You'll never notice!

However...
If I weakened myself
Starved... overworked...
Maybe even drugged
My mind and body
Faltering together
As one...
I'd take a step
And I'd stagger
Weak, frail
Body failing
Stumbling forward
Giving out
Breaking down

You'd notice
You'd see