If you look closely, you'll see
I'm not as broken as I used to be.
My smile is a little wider,
My eyes a little brighter,
My heart a little lighter.

I've learned to live again
An independence that was once lost
It has been unearthed, it has found refrain
No more than a week did it cost;
Vitality once again flows through these veins.

I'm better, now.
I don't let the small things touch my mind
Stress has left me, something that only time can profess
I am not as unkind
I will continue to get better.
This, I will vow.

Tears will not streak down this face
Blades will not grace this skin
I have made myself stronger through ache,
Though it was a hard battle fought,
I am better. I will not quake.
I am steadfast in myself.
This is not someone you can easily break.

Is it even possible?
I still love you,
(I don't think that will ever stop)
Yet it doesn't ache as much when you're around.
Sometimes my chest still lurches when you comment on someone else
But it isn't as dire as before.

When you smile at me, my heart still soars
When we lock eyes, I feel as though I can't breathe
This may never change, love,
Even if you find someone else.

I found time for myself,
I took a break from the world
I let my mind wander
I left the old me behind.
We are still much the same,
With jokes and references galore, laughter and smiles abound--
But my self-image is much more sound.
I don't hate what I see looking back at me
When I catch the mirror's eye
I feel... almost alright.

I tested the waters with someone else;
At first, the world seemed right
We had much in common, it was almost perfect
But he wasn't ready, still hung up on someone else.
It hurt, I'll admit
But I think I always knew he wasn't an option
He was just a stepping-stone.

I discovered many a thing about myself through him:
I don't want lips on my lips,
I just want a body to hold close.
I already have everything I truly need.

It hurts, but not as bad as before
For now, my heart is once again able to soar
My friends love me,
As do you
So, for now,
Until I find someone else,
I am content. I am happy. I will be okay.
Until you find someone else.

Maybe I'm not okay,
But I'm not as blue.
I'm much happier today
Than I was a month ago, or even two.

I don't hurt as deeply,
I feel alright--
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm able to exist under my own might.

I don't think about dying every night.
Even when I'm painted in those brilliant red hues
As embarrassment dusts my cheeks,
I'm alright.

Better than alright.
I might even be almost okay.
Is that even possible?
Is that something I can do?
I'm better than alright,
I might almost be okay.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just stop--
Stop trying
Stop feeling
Just... stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just end it
Would anyone care?
Would anyone notice?
Maybe I should just stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Harden my walls, forget my heart
Decide that nothing, no one, is worth my pall
I wish I didn't have to become numb to be okay,
Just to make the pain go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to be strong
But, I should've known all along:
I feel too deeply to be healthy,
Especially when people are involved.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I want to die
Maybe just a line at my wrist
(The X-Acto knife in my drawer would do the trick)
But no, perhaps not (I am not a fan of pain)
Bleeding out takes far too long
I don't think I could take it, anyway.

I regret ever feeling at all
The voices in my head say I'm worthless
No wonder everyone's gone
I can't attract anyone, I'm too broken
The deadness in my eyes belies a dormant predator
Watch out, I'm a hidden monster
I may catch you in my claws before a single word has been spoken
Beware the darkness of a shattered heart,
It will be far too sharp.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson
And never have to trust again
I'm blowing this out of proportion
This is so much worse in my head
But you said I should spend time with myself, love,
No matter how many times I wish myself dead.

I regret ever feeling at all
I am so far out of my depth
I don't know what to do, love
I wish you could see this mess from my shoes.
This constant nagging ache, I wish it'd go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to hate you,
To lose the pang in my stomach when you wear bruises on your neck
Your trophies are the cause of my heartbreak
Why can't you just stay away?

I regret ever feeling at all
I wish my friends could stand being around me
But maybe they sense the monster within
Who hungers jealously for that which she cannot have
Who lusts for the flesh of one who does not love her
Who, deep down, wants to hurt everyone who wrongs her.

I regret ever feeling at all
This darkness is so suffocating
Why did I have to, for you of all people, fall?
When you cannot feel the same
When all I get from you is pain
I love you, I hate you, I feel all of the above.

I regret ever feeling at all
This horrible, deadening cold
It seeps through my limbs
All I want is a hand to hold,
Someone to chase the demons away,
Someone who can love me as much as I love you,
Someone who wants to save me from myself,
As much as I do you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe if I disappeared, you'd wonder what you did wrong
Maybe you'd actually call
Would you feel any of my regret?
Would you feel the hurt you cause?
I don't know that, love,
I just know I regret ever feeling at all.

I'm always so cold
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm a frozen fortress, untouchable
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You send this heart beating again
I want nothing less than to feel this all of the time
I want to remain as alive as I am when I'm with you.
Your warmth is the only light in my darkness,
Though I know it's untrue for you--
I can't help it, love.

I'm always chilled to the bone
I feel like I could freeze water with my touch,
Like I could shatter someone with a single icy gaze
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
I feel again when I'm with you
I'm made real, I'm no longer a mirage
I want nothing in life than to make you feel it, too.
Because you make me feel alive,
More than ever before.
Though I know it's untrue for you--
But I still can't help it, love. I've fallen for you.

I'm always so above it all
I pretend to not acknowledge that I'm not fine
But you should know the truth--
I'm never fine
Not until I see you, love--
Not until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You break the ice that cages this dead heart
You make me feel alive,
But I don't know what to do
Because, if anything, I do the opposite for you.

I don’t let anyone know what I’m really thinking
The whispers in my head are only for me
They say things that I’d rather not admit
They hurt me in more than one way.

The whispers are cruel and soft
They chip away at my self-esteem
They voice all of my concerns, they tear me apart by the seams
But no one can know, not anyone at all
You’d probably put me in a straight jacket
For the things they say to me.

They understand me like only I could
They know everything behind what I do
They sound like me—
But the things they say? I wish I didn’t agree.
They’re so intrinsically me.
I despise them, but I know they’re right.

“I’m unloved.”
“No one thinks I’m attractive. I disappear among all of the others in the room.”
“They don’t really like me.”
”I’m so stupid, my friends don’t care for me as much as I do for them.”

If only I could transfer a tiny percent of my love for my friends to myself,
I think I would be fine.
I wish I didn’t hate myself
But it’s such a thin line
In a way, I’m a blade runner
In that I walk the edge of my sanity on a day to day basis.

I wish I didn’t listen to the whispers.
I wish everyone knew I’m not fine.
But I don’t want your sympathy, no, not that.
I just want you to understand.
The whispers at night when I’m all alone
The voices that tell me I should just be a rotting pile of bones
All I want is to silence them,
But to do that, I would have to cease existing.

I’m tired of wanting to die
I’m tired of these endless whispers telling me I’m not enough
I’m tired of the girl that sounds like me
I just want to feel happy for once in my life
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not
I just want to be.

Do you know how much it hurts?
If you did, would you even care?
I'm dying slowly from the ache.
I don't know what to say.

Will you **** me, dear?
Will you be the cause of my death?
It feels as though I'm already dying,
I sometimes wish I was dead--
I would do anything, love, so I could stop feeling
Because anything and everything, right now, is far too much.

You bare my sins to your soul
There's nothing I can hide
The only thing I can, love, is how much I want to die
You see everything else
You know what is behind most of my jokes
You want to help, love
But you don't.

Do you really want to know?

Do you?

Probably not.

You're still struggling and healing
You have things to work through for yourself.
I just wish I could get over this whole thing
You're a ******* and the cause of so much pain
I shouldn't love you, and yet I do
For the things you don't let any of our friends see
No, only me.

**** me, please.
You don't know, and that's the worst.
But I'm not going to tell you, dear.
I'll suffer in silence, for, to you, that's all I'm worth.
Silence and empty messages
Strings of words and faded thoughts
All I want is for this pain to stop
Do you know this, dear?
No.
I think not.