i'll never say it out loud
but i'll write it down

i miss your car
late nights
endless fights
wanting to understand you more

ill never say it out loud
but i'll write it down

as we miscommunicated
wanting so badly to not
i'm caught
wishing i was her

ill never say it out loud
but i'll write it down

i miss time with you
it feels i've been lied to
do i trust you?
do i trust You?

ill never say it out loud
but i'll write it down

it scares me when i get this way
my mind can shut off
i block it all out
and it suddenly feels like the real me

no goofiness fills these bones
no laughter in this soul
just numb
automatic hardship

it's like i've been through something
my souls been trying to come to terms with the last 22  years
it's like i've been trying to scream
yet when i sit and think my mind can't stop
my mouth can't speak
my words are weak

i'll laugh it off
giggly me
that's who they know
she's who i'll be

to my anxious bones that don't trust You
and who You are
and all You do
I apologize

to my heart that pounds anytime I go to where I know You have called me
I apologize

to my shaking fingers that rattle back and forth as You speak through me
I apologize

I am sorry for my heart that doubts and pounds and allows the weight of feelings to effect my obedience to You

I know you have already forgiven me, but still

my heart feels lonelier more often
my bones rattle far too much
my words have lost their touch
oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

i'm falling asleep at eight pm
waking up at seven
nothing feels the same,
oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

did i try to grow up too fast
i'm falling asleep to the thoughts of my past
i miss it all too much
oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

did i hear you wrong?
should i not have gone?
oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

I can't write anymore

It's been months since my last poem
and my fingers cannot tell you why
this writing has left my heart
my eyes begin to cry

As I fail with every word
every letter just fills up this space
my words have become meaningless
I seemed to have lost my taste

Although the passion still sets within
as I type I shake beneath my skin
My hands tremble getting it out
I lean in as if I ought to shout

My body rocks back and forth
I want to write the same
My fingers tap the keys
the touch has completely changed

I can't write anymore

I see you standing in the corner, head down as if you're full of shame
Hours have gone by of you standing on your phone, wondering who's minutes are worth more than your own
I watch as you speak to only the people you know,
you post about travel although you have no where to go

You talk about adventure and I love it when you do
Although you've not once yet shown a non- judgmental side of you
Adventure is not about money and pictures to post at night
Adventure is about the different smells and the "too pretty for a picture" kind of sight
You talk about this person you are, but I think it's who you want to be
I pray every night for the happy boy you are soon to be, selfishly I pray you keep me around so I too can someday see

Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all

It's second semester of my senior year and I find myself wondering where the time has gone. I'm only 17 years old although I remain in this exact spot- the spot of wonders. Wonders on where I'll be this time next year- also ten. Wonders on who I'll go to prom with or where I'll travel next. Wondering what my dad's been up to- we haven't been talking much, why? I wonder about my best friend and the secret he's holding inside, I wonder if he needs help, I wonder what's making him so sad. I wonder if I could tell you every person that I've met; first name and last- then pick who's stuck around. I wonder all these thoughts- then I get a little lost.

Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all

Because I question my religion at times, and what happens when we die? Will this all just be forgotten- or do we become angels in the sky? Will I grow up to be a writer, will I meet my husband soon? Is he someone I've already met? Thoughts like these are always running through my head.

Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience the feel of it all

A year from now we will be settled into our dorms- finishing up our first semester of our freshman year as college students. Will I be cheating my way through classes or finding my own help? Will I be filling up my nights with people whose names will be forgotten by Saturday? Or Sunday breakfasts with someone I love. Will I even still be around? Will my sisters be there to talk? Will I even have a child, or a marriage that will last. Will I do what I've always done- reminiscing on the past. Wishing I could go back- it's something I've always done. Wishing I could change, who ever wrote these rules' is no fun.

Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience it all

Help me understand if I'm living my life wrong. Am I passing the time too fast? Is it the fact that I look at future time as if it's already passed? I've prayed for help to change my habits- praying for some answers. I pray and pray and pray- although I'm still just left with these wonders.

The smell of the lake brings me back to you,
summer's at the cabin, the lake seems to have lost it's blue
And your pictures proved a point, of how happy we really were
Your pictures proved a point that your cancer couldn't cure

Because as the pictures continued, your hair started to go
As the pictures continued, I watched the faded blue lake grow
Our love became so much stronger, it had always meant so much.
Our love was something big, now I crave your touch
I miss crying in your arms, when something wasn't right
I miss falling asleep with you, holding me so tight

I'm scared of forgetting everything I know
I'm scared to say goodbye, scared to let you go.
But I felt a sign with you today,
Maybe this is you telling me- people aren't meant to stay

I can picture how it looks
A small room, a bookshelf with no books
A staircase going up, with rooms filled with who knows what
And a staircase going down filled with people who no longer know their way around

They're bumping into one another, and I find myself doing the same
kissing all the wrong people, trying to remember my name

A year has passed and so have I
The phase of partying until 2:00 has left me high and dry
Because I find myself awake for different reasons
dreaming of my future as I change with the seasons

Passing through the hot and cold,
passing my classes- doing as told
I've changed who I am now
Although that life will always be apart of me
My interests have changed, but I hope you can still see

The small room with a bookshelf and no books
The staircase going up, with rooms filled with who knows what
And that staircase going down filled with people who didn't know their way around
I hope you still see me, and everything we once used to be
And know I still care, even though I'm no longer there

It's horrifying how much I can tell you already mean to me
It horrifies me that someone can come in and make such an impact in such little time
This scares me because if you can make such an impact in such little time, what impact will you leave when it's time for you to go?

I hear the News on downstairs, because my mom is so focused on what's happening everywhere else rather than in her own household.
She doesn't see the suffering her daughter goes through as she suffers to save relationships that slip out of her fingers in the blink of an eye
She doesn't see the cuts on her wrist as the blood drips down the stairs, along with her daughter who slips by the kitchen quick enough for her phone to ring, another excuse to avoid what she can't bring up in conversation herself
She doesn't see the threats on her daughters phone as she lie awake at night reading her texts on the phone bill because she'd rather snoop on her social life, than ask herself because she knows she's embarrassed
She doesn't see these things because she chooses not too see them, she doesn't see them because her mother saw all her insecurities and she's scared that this will all some how make things worse
Little does she know, she's all that girl has anymore

She wondered where she'd be years from now
She wondered if she'd have everything she'd ever wanted
Even though she knew she wouldn't
She was realistic
Almost too much
When he told her he wanted to be with her forever
She let go, so that she could prove the impossible- wrong once again
She proved to it that the sun came up every morning and when it was time to go to bed, the sun was shining somewhere else, visiting different people

She met different people and heard their stories
She listened and dreamed until she was fulfilled with life and love and warmth
She listened until she could no longer hear
From then on- she watched until suddenly she could no longer see
She could not see and she could not hear
So from there she talked, she told her stories as well as theirs
Until one day she was empty and felt there was nothing more of her
Nothing more to give, nothing she could receive
As she lay on the bed she felt a warmth near, as if someone had been with her all this time. She felt as her hand had been lightly grabbed, she felt as it rest their, in this other souls palm. She felt herself holding hands. She felt love. And she knew she had proven herself wrong- there was a forever. Because this feeling was indescribable, this feeling was more than anything she could see or hear. This feeling was love, this feeling was forever.

Try waking up early, when no one's awake
Drink hot black coffee even if you don't like the taste.
Try something new, breath it in, embrace

Embrace where you live, even if it's not all that great
There must be something, appreciate before it's too late

Appreciate the laughter you share with new souls,
Appreciate the 3 AM talks with important people, don't ever lose touch

Keep in touch with everyone you meet, no matter how it ended
Whether it be a fight, a move, a death. Talk to them, never forget

Never forget the girls you'll meet in the bathrooms,
too drunk to pronounce their names
Never forget their beauty,
Even though they held their heads in shame

Shame on you for lying, but know these things happen.
Shame on you for pushing away those you should have never let go

But let go of those who bring you down, let go of those who don't love with everything they have.
Let go for the better, but remember to let more in then you do, out.

Let in the girl with purple hair, who seems to be a little off.
Let her in because soon, she'll teach you to be tough

Be tough against the one's who peer pressure
They're not worth your time
Be yours before you're there's, and I promise you'll be fine.

Down a cliff that's made of hills
Up and down, as my body experiences the various chills
Up as I let out the truth of how I feel
Back down because you deny the words I speak
Up once more because I believe I've let you in
Down because again you've proven me wrong

Lies left and right, as if I'm full of secrets
Secrets only the words on the paper can prove
Because I myself have lost hold of the truth
Lost hold of who I thought I knew
I've lost hold of my life and not a soul in the sky
Could lead me back to who I was

This emptiness inside these bones have left me with nothing to hold
It's left me with the loneliness, left behind my soul
I'm an open book with nothing to read for the poems are fading and the writings are weighing
down my confidence, as I compare it to others
Down this hill I go, and I don't know how to get myself back up

Forgetting the way, your touch made me feel
Losing my thoughts, not knowing what's real
Did I make up the way you made me fall?
Was it all in my head? This big loving hearts turned small

You've moved on quicker than I ever have
Your rebound was love, beating me and the above
Why's it so hard to just walk away?
You weren't any good, considering you didn't stay

But now you're sending her flowers,
You're sending a lot
You're sending even more than I would have thought
But judging the fact that you've lied in your past
I can't tell what's all lies, don't know if it'll last

However it works, I'll say I wish you the best
But my words don't mean ****, you should know what comes next
I'll cry and I'll beg, for you to come back
I'll get down on my knees, I may even attack
This happiness you seemed to have found
In this girl I assumed was just your rebound.

I can't focus
you're all that keeps my mind straight
You're all that keeps me in line
Please don't leave,
stay so things don't go blurry
*again

He killed someone innocent because he was simply "in his way"
He gave up one's life because he was "having a bad day"
What more is there to do then let him feel what he's done
How else will he learn, the pain he caused that innocent man's son?

He may sit inside Jail, but he'll be breathing and alive
He may not have anything but he's still living life
What gives him the right to earn what he took?
What makes it okay to live as a crook?

But once you **** him he's free, he doesn't have to worry about the nightmares he'll see
But imagine his family at home
Their feelings on this man who's alive in a jail room of stone,
And that could be good, knowing he's suffering as he always have should
Or maybe that's bad because they dream of the dad they once had
Maybe that's bad because they have nightmares of him escaping and doing even more harm than them being just sad

Well escaping is rare
But what happens when all the jails are filled, with inmates and such.* Prisoners who think they deserve even this much

What happens when they take advantage of this- the life that they're living, the time that we're giving

They're the monsters who ruin so many lives, they pull us in and we're handed the knife.
Because it's not them that we're freeing, it's everyone else.
*To know the monster is gone forever is all to them that helps

Shouldn't one be punished enough by living through the dead?
Shouldn't one be punished enough by never again sleeping in their own bed
One should be punished, not freed

Shouldn't one be punished already by inhaling the  jail air and exhaling their sins?
Shouldn't one be punished already by taking away everything they need?
One should be punished not freed

And shouldn't they suffer from what they've done?
Shouldn't they live every day wishing they had somewhere to run?
One should be punished not freed

But killing the monster is quick
You see, the things the monster did were sick

But the monster only did what you're doing
It's different the monster killed for that and this,
We're killing for our justice
Justice means to  have peace, and genuine respect for people not death because it's easy

But an innocent man was killed on the street because someone was too drugged he didn't even know the difference from grass and concrete
So lock him up and leave him to suffer
Show him pain and teach him to be tougher
Let him think in silence, let it hit him at once,
let the pain that he caused affect who he was

Why give him the chance to change what he's done?
Why give someone who's gone mad only a hit and run?
Because everyone deserves a chance to change
We're the monster's by killing the mistakes that make them strange

Society's strange,
Throwing out judgments that make us want to change
You'll skip a meal to meet their expectations
A few more after that to see how far you'll go

They'll ask you why you're not hungry
And you'll make up some excuse
They'll take the words slipping off your thin cold lips,
as you look at the food on your plate but instead choosing the water in small sips

They'll catch on to the weight you've lost the past few months
The food you've tossed along with your old-beautiful thoughts
They'll seek to find you help, and you'll turn away believing this is "natural beauty"

Weeks go by and you're suffering more then ever,
You see yourself as something this world would never
Society's strange,
Throwing out judgments that make us want to change
Believing the judgment is hard to ignore,
But never seeing yourself as beautiful is more un-healthy then my words before

Pale blank faces all scattered around
Pale blank faces can make the ugliest sound

Your pale blank face wasn't pale at all
See, your pale blank face made me fall

Your eyes showed the judgement of a 4 year old kid
Honest but sweet
Your smile was big so charismatic,
I could run off this world and you'd be one to believe this was real tragic

Your eyes and that smile are all that keep me here,
Because honest but sweet isn't much of a fear

And that big charismatic smile is all I can see
My eyes closed in the dark but smiling for I'm lucky to breath

You've got me sitting in coffee shops writing about you,
Rehearsing the next time I'll see you, even though I know it will be nothing compared to what I expect it to be

You've got me listening to lyrics of my favorite songs,
only comparing the words to anything tracking back to you

You've got me mesmerized, rapped around your finger
You've got me looking desperate for only you

And I wish to God you didn't mean so much to me,
I wish I could let you go

But you'll always be apart of me
Whether I want you here or not

She told me when I was too young to understand,
That lifes happiness does not fall in the hands of a man

She told me when I could comprehend the words she spoke,
The importance of travel and home

She warned me,
For when he was to say goodbye,
To stay strong and not to cry

She told me all these things,
Yet I sit here crying.
Because words are hard to believe,
Little did I know you could come back broken hearted from trying