Because of you,
I cannot love anyone,
*******

"Tell me a lie,"* she said.
"I love you," he said.

Born a self hatin' little girl
with a soul so pure
Beautiful & smart--
so young, yet mature
Talented with words,
but the world doesn't see
That this is the only way
that I know how to be me
Broken & beaten by this
world that I despise
I've learned to block it all out,
I no longer open my eyes
They've been permanently shut,
so now I live through what I feel
I'll be great one day,
that's what I tell myself
I'll be great one day
without any of their help
I'll be great one day
& then they'll see
I'll be great one day--
& good enough for me

Speaking of perfect, let me tell you about my best friend
Even when she wakes up, she's radiant like the sun
Rarely knows what is best for her because
Really all she cares about is everyone else
A great trait in a person, but very tricky to overcome

Kindness is what is very important to her,
Always say "excuse me" and "please"
I love her like a sister & wish that she were
To be honest, I couldn't ask for a better one
Ladies be jealous of our awesome friendship
You probably heard about her in a story or two
Not a big deal, she's probably in every story of mine

Don't leave her side, I won't until my dying day
Even when we're old & wrinkly, she's my best friend
Quick to her feet when you need a hand or talk
Usually ready to lend a hand & never judge
Intelligent in basically every aspect of life
No one I'd rather turn to when in doubt
Zoo's probably aren't the best birthday present,
I promise that she'll have a better birthday with me
Oh, how I can't wait for more memories with Serra

I do not understand how
you got your master's degree

The first time I saw her,
everything in my head went quiet
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images
just disappeared
When you have obsessive compulsive disorder,
you don't really get quiet moments

Even in bed, I'm thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes

But when I saw her,
the only thing I could think about
was the hair pin curve of her lips,
or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek

I knew I had to talk to her

I asked her out six times in thirty seconds
She said yes after the third one,
but none of them felt right,
so I had to keep going

On our first date, I spend more time organizing
my meal by color than I did eating,
or ******* talking to her,
but she loved it...

She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye
sixteen times or twenty-four times
if it was Wednesday
She loved that it took me forever to walk home
because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk

When we moved in together, she said she felt safe,
like no one would ever rob us
because I definitely locked the door eighteen times

I'd always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked

When she said she loved me,
her mouth would curl up at the edges
At night, she'd lay in bed & watch me turn all the lights off,
& on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off
She'd close her eyes & imagine
that the days & nights were passing in front of her

Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye,
but she'd just leave because I was making her late for work
When I stopped in a crack in the sidewalk,
she just kept walking
When she said she loved me,
her mouth was a straight line

She told me I was taking up too much of her time

Last week, she started sleeping at her mother's place
She told me that she shouldn't have let me
get so attached to her,
that this whole thing was a mistake but...

How can it be a mistake that I don't have
to wash my hands after I touch her?

Love is not a mistake,
& it's killing me that she can run away from this,
& I just can't
I can't go out & find someone new
because I always think of her

Usually, when I obsess over things,
I see germs sneaking into my skin,
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars,
& she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on
I want to wake up every morning
thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel,
how she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe,
how she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out...

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her
I can't breathe because he only kisses her one,
he doesn't care if it's perfect!

I want her back so bad...

I leave the door unlocked
I leave the lights on

So remember me through the dirt & the weather,
I'll always be just a little bit better
than that other girl that you call your own
You promised me more & then left me alone
Now don't get me wrong, I still love you,
but that don't mean that I want to
So I'll move on, it's the thing to do
You moved on, but that's not new

You're just a ******, you always will be
Get what you want, but not from me

Cause that's the past & this is the now
I'm done fooling around, I'm done falling down
You threw away perfection,
but frankly I don't mind
Cause that's just your opinion,
& I won't be your second option

Let me know that I've done wrong,
when I've known this all along
I go around a time or two,
just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away,
find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my ***** little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
My ***** little secret,

Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives,
it's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two,
just to waste my time with you

Who has to know?

The way she feels inside,
those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping thoughts won't lie,
& all I've tried to hide,
it's eating me apart,
trace this life out

I'll keep you my ***** little secret

In second grade, we did an experiment with static electricity
We rubbed balloons on our heads,
& stuck them to walls
& kissing you is kinda like that
My hair stands on end,
I get shocked when I touch things
& I want to tell you stupid stuff like,
kissing you is a bundle of kittens
colliding with my face at .5 miles an hour
It's like being shot with a dart gun
made of hummingbirds
that shoots darts made of hummingbirds

& your lips are so soft,
I can't actually tell when we are touching,
like braiding hair underwater,
like napping under a blanket filled with rainbows & clouds,
& your favorite books

When you kiss me,
the cartoon devil & angel on my shoulder
climb into my ears,
like all of my neurons,
& start ******* on my brainsteam
If you were a 300 pound professional weight lifter
& if I were a Kia Sorento,
you could drag me anywhere

Kissing you is patient & impossibly slow,
like peeling paint off the wall with glittery stickers,
or cooking a turkey with a lighter
You remind me of the time in second grade
when Bethany Hopkirk
called me a freak face & stabbed me in the arm with a pencil
Cause kissing you is kinda like that,
unhealthy & will probably result in disfigurement
But baby, bring on the ****** scars & lead poisoning
Cause when you kiss me,
you are dangling me off a bridge by a belt
You are the screen door of my childhood,
all taste & swinging
So full of holes you could never keep anything in

You are every black eye,
you're a semitruck & I'm a turtle with two broken legs,
& a broken heart
You are illegal fireworks falling down stairs together,
driving on four flat tires,
playing frisbee at night with a saw blade
Kissing you is like falling out of a 37 story window,
exploding into a cloud of robins
& reappearing on the ground with my mouth full of feathers

& when I can't kiss you,
I try to find the static electricity in my apartment
I dig around in light sockets,
change lightbulbs with my teeth,
& make out with the toaster
& I know we've only been seeing eachother
for a couple of weeks,

But baby, when you kiss me,
I can't remember my middle name,
or which one is my left foot
So come over tonight
We'll shuffle around the apartment in our socks,
& we'll let our lips drift toward each other,
like tectonic plates made...

out of kittens

When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops & karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
& because my grandmother thought it was cute
& because they were my favorite,
she let me keep doing it

Not really a big deal

One day,
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
& bruised the right side of my body

I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I'd get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn't have been

A few days later,
the gym teacher noticed the bruise
& I got sent to the principals office
From there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie
As far as I was concerned,
life was pretty good
I told her, "Whenever I'm sad,
my grandmother gives me karate chops!"

This led to a full scale investigation
& I was removed from the house for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruise

News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
& I earned my first nickname

Pork Chop

To this day
I hate pork chops

I'm not the only kid
who grew up this way
Surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks & stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
& we got called them all
So we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
That we'd be lonely forever
That we'd never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
That an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
That there's no way for it to metastasize

It does

She was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
We both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop getting bombarded by spit *****
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
We used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
Outside we'd have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
In grade five,
they taped a sign to her desk that read
Beware Of Dog

To this day,
despite a loving husband,
she doesn't think she's beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
Kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn't quite get the job done
& they'll never understand
that she's raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
because she's only ever always been amazing

He
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
Adopted
Not because his parents opted for a different destiny
He was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
& two parts tragedy
Started therapy in 8th grade
Had a personality made up of tests & pills.
Lived like the uphills were moutains
& the downhills were cliffs
Four fifths suicidal
A tidal wave of anti depressants
& an adolescence of being called Popper
One part because of the pills,
ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
He tried to **** himself in grade ten
when a kid who could still go home to mom & dad
had the audacity to tell him "Get over it," as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents fround in a first aid kit

To this day
he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends
Could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it's about to fall
& despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration,
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can't understand
Sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
& more to do with sanity

We weren't the only kids who grew up this way

To this day
kids are still being called names
The classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
Seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
& if a kid breaks in a school
& no one around chooses to hear,
do they make a sound?
Are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
Every school was a big top circus tent
& the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
All of these were miles ahead of who we were
We were freaks
Lobster claw boys & bearded ladies
Oddities
juggling depression & loneliness playing solitaire, spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves & heal
But at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
It was practice
& yes
some of us fell

But I want to tell them
that all of this ****
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
& if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there's something inside you
that made you keep trying
Despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
& signed it yourself
You signed it,
"They were wrong!"
because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique
Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
Maybe you used to bring bruises & broken teeth
to show & tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
You have to believe that they were wrong

They have to be wrong

Why else would we still be here?
We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
We stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called
We are not abandoned cars stalled out &
sitting empty on a highway
& if in some way we are
don't worry
We only got out to walk & get gas
We are graduating members from the class of
we made it
Not the faded echoes of voices crying out
Names will never hurt me

Of course
they did

But our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
& more to do with *beauty

I love the way you smile,
I love the way you smell,
I love the way you look at me,
but only time will tell

I love the way you think,
I love the way you look,
I love the way you feel

I don't love what you did to me,
my heart is what you took

I hate the way you used me,
I hate the way you played,
I hate the way I trusted you,
but then I was betrayed

But still, I'd love to have you back,
& lie in your arms again,
but for now, I talk to someone new,
& keep you out of my life entirely

Extraordinary is what I'd call her,
Lets no one stand in her way
I'd call her stronger than she looks,
Zig zags in & out of being misunderstood
A military man has stole her heart
Betting for a marriage proposal one day,
Even children, a big house, & a dog or two
The end is no where near for their young love
He's the one, she knows this, even I do

No words will ever bring her down,
I'll be there for her until our dying day
College will not separate our friendship, &
He'll meet me one day at the alter
Oh, I'll be the one holding her bouquet,
Letting the priest say his piece,
Explaining, "You may kiss the bride"

Breaking their kiss will be the sound of the *****,
Roaring to life as they exit the church
One is what they'll be together, holding hands,
With their family & friends standing & smiling
No one will be sad, he's the one, she knows it, even I do
I'll admire their love story because I'll remember
Never hearing her say a word that didn't involve him
Going in their ride with a ribbon & generic letters reading,

"Happily Married"

I shouldn't be here, I thought to myself
as soon as I stepped foot into that college party
But since they invited a high schooler, I thought,
who am I to turn down free ***** & a good time
I was greeted with a ping pong ball & a partner
& we found ourselves winning game after game
Someone got me a beer & a shot of fireball whiskey,
which were followed almost instantly by three more
I wanted the escape & I knew alcohol would  help,
help with getting me there faster & not having to worry
He was dancing with his friends before I noticed,
he was dancing over into my direction with another shot
It was bright blue & tasted like a sheet of rusty metal,
but I downed another & found myself dancing to the beat
of the music that I would never listen to sober
because rap music has absolutely no meaning to me
Everyone was sweating & dancing against one another,
& the only person I knew when I got there was Jordan,
but he was no where to be seen, only strangers now
But were they really strangers anymore? They knew me
Maybe as that drunk high schooler, but they'll remember
me tomorrow when talking about how fun their night was
& what I thought was coming to an end, was only the beginning

I excused myself to the bathroom which was shared with laundry
& I remember the door not closing all the way
because of the door **** missing & something in the way
Once I was finished with my business, the door flew open
I would have been startled had I not been drunk off my ***
It was him & he was smiling & I didn't like, but I did
He pushed me against the washing machine & drier duo,
& all thoughts left my mind along with the clothes on my body
It happened so fast & I didn't like it, but I did
He kissed me with such force, my lip got stuck in his braces
& I had to awkwardly explain to my mother about the bruise
I may have been drunk, but I knew what was happening,
but the only thoughts on my mind was about how
much **** I had to do tomorrow, I was so bored & unsatisfied
He wanted more after what he got & I promised I would
even though he had zero game & very poor aim
He lead me back to the couch & he fell asleep
with his head dug in my shoulder, arm around my chest,
hand between my thighs, & heavy snores in my ear
But I wasn't going to sleep, never planned on it in fact
I slid out of his grasp & quietly slid into my shoes by the door
I couldn't find my pants or my bra, but it didn't matter
I gathered all of my things & stepped out of that college party,
my almost completely exposed body meeting the cold winter
I got in my car & drove myself home at 5:30 in the morning
with the smell of bud light, ***, but almost no regret in the air
I climbed in through my window, not wanting to wake
up my parents or brother for arriving home so early
I slid into bed & pulled the covers over my poorly dressed frame
before deleting my one night stand off of my snapchat history
& falling asleep...

A sinister crimson smile spreads across my lips,
thinking wicked thoughts while weapons I equip
My inky eyes narrow as I step into the street,
I have a dark night ahead & a hero to beat
I feel it's time for a new villain to grow,
one whose not afraid to watch the blood freely flow
I'm going to show them all whose really chief,
& never will I suffer any of their grief
I ask before I **** them, one last query,
"Why so serious?" I laugh viciously, their eyes get teary
Then as the blood pours from a fresh cut, I go insane,
merely a part of my psychopathic game
So here I am, carving smiles into their faces,
dicing their flesh into ribbons & laces
Waiting for the hero to try & save the day,
anticipating a new game for me to play
Because around here, you can't just be mediocre
They'll see, I'll show them, I am the Joker

Little worries cause my mind to race,
And I can only wonder how you're doing
No one knows how much I miss you,
Don't speak, don't tell, my secret is untold
Only remembering past memories, they're beautiful
No new memories or mistakes to share with you

My mistake was ever taking you for granted,
A mistake that blew up quickly in my face
Drama is not my strong suit, so I ran away
I regret what I said to you & did, & I'd take it back
Sorry doesn't begin to express my feelings on the matter
Oh, I only want to talk to you & be friends again,
Not that it matters anymore

True friendship is like a rose,
we don't realize its beauty
*until it fades...

The lighter's a trigger,
I load my gun
& swallow the bullets
straight into my lungs

With every drag
& hit I take,
my thoughtless mind
will come awake

No more mother's coming
or more of daddy crying
Just coughing & heaving
& careless flying

I guess it's living,
I guess I'm dying,
& if I'm not,
I'm surely trying

There was a time
I thought that you did
everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy, I must've been
out of my mind
When I think of the
time that I almost
loved you,
you showed your ***
& I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it,
I thank God I dodged
the bullet
I'm so over you,
so baby, good looking out

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, did you
expect me to care
You don't deserve
my tears
I guess that's why
they ain't there
When I think that
there was a time that
I almost loved you
You showed your ***
& baby, yes, I saw
the real you
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged
the bullet
I'm so over you,
baby, good looking out

I know you
want me back,
it's time to
face the facts
That I'm the one
that's got away
Lord knows that
it would take
another place,
another time,
another world,
another life
Thank God I found
the good in goodbye

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you
turned out to be the
best thing I never had
You turned out to be the
best thing I never had
& I will always be the
best thing you ever had

It ***** to be you right now

I'm not sure when it started,
or why it is so strong
On the outside, I seem happy,
no one thinks anything's wrong
But on the inside I am dying,
screaming for someone to see
that the happy smile & carefree
laugh is not the real me
I've never been happy,
not that I can recall
Between the world & myself,
I've built up a wall
I don't know why I'm like this,
it makes no sense to me
I actually come from a very
close & loving family
But even they have no idea
of the hell that I endure
They think I'm happy & normal;
of this I am sure
I can't take it much longer,
I can't live like this
I want to feel truly happy,
that is my biggest wish
I need help, but who will help me?
Who could comprehend?
Is there anyone out there who
can help bring this to an end?
Or am I simply trapped,
a prisoner of despair?
Am I really all alone?
Is there no hope for me out there?

Another day of life by the drop,
I pray to the lord, help me stop
I awake in pain, feeling shame
knowing soon again, I'll play the game
For the brief second with myself,
before I walk over to that shelf
I stop & think of all the things I do,
& the people I hurt while drinking *****
I grip the bottle o' so tight,
I won't let go until the night
All these thoughts rush through my head,
loves & pride & things I once said
I know it's from the former me,
the one that can no longer be
It hits me hard, I cannot cope,
so drunk until I start to choke
Day to day, I live like this
High to high & kiss to kiss
I hope one day, the drunk will let me out
& never again will I drink & shout
Until that time, I'll drown & hate
I just hope that's not my final fate

I thought my parents
were like a fairytale
Turns out not everything
is like disney & pretend
Reality is a thin line
compared to the
imagination of pixar
films & Cinderella
Nothing is real
Nothing is animated
Nothing is all smiles
Everything is a lie
& we're all puppets
on a thin string
We're all players
in a game known as
reality

You don't look out the window,
don't see time going by.
Never know how many hours pass,
while you just lay alone & cry.

Breathing heavily, you whisper,
through a river of cold tears,
"I'm a ******* failure,"
silently, no one hears.

Your heart beats an unsteady rhythm,
pounding in your chest.
With your head in your hands,
there's no time to second guess.

You look at yourself in the mirror,
& blink away the tears that fill your eyes.
You bite your lip & look away,
at the same time, a part of you dies.

You notice a strange emptiness,
one that you've never felt before.
You clench your fist as you realize,
you feel your life is just a chore.

You click your knuckles,
& wipe your eyes.
You're tired of living,
you're tired of lies.

& with a shattered mirror,
& a bleeding fist,
you hold that blade
against your wrist.

As you push it into your flesh,
you ask yourself why.
"Why am I hurting myself?
Why should I die?"

But there's no time for questions,
you find yourself screaming.
The guilt is in your blood,
you wished you were dreaming.

The sound of your blood,
as it drips to the floor.
You're slowly going insane,
sickened by the gore.

But still, you cut deeper,
showing no emotion.
For your killer habit,
you have so much devotion.

You stop yourself for a second,
knowing that you've done enough.
You're bleed out of the anger,
& the life you find so tough.

You reach for your thread,
& stitch up your wrist.
& see that the windows
are shrouded with mist.

You've finally had enough,
you pick up your blade.
You step outside & leave behind
that tortured past you've made.

You run down to the river,
& stare into the freezing stream.
Into it, you throw the blade,
hoping this isn't a dream.

You drop to your knees,
& with your head to the floor,
this is the end of it all,
you've walked out the door.

You stare into the water,
& see a figure approach behind.
You hand quickly covers your wrist,
as thoughts race through your mind.

You turn around to gaze into the eyes of beauty.
The figure, he hold you in his blood stained arm.
You feel so comfortable with the stranger,
you feel so taken by his charm.

He too throws his blade into the river.
"Have you had enough of it too?"
You nod & close your eyes,
wondering if this is really true.

He holds your hand,
& kisses your cheek.
You breathe in deeply,
his touch makes you weak.

You shake your head,
& you're back in your room.
Your wrists have stopped bleeding,
& you hope to dream again soon.

With tears in your eyes,
you wished that you were able,
to go back into those dreams,
to again, *see your angel...