One and only one
All I need is one more
Red line of beauty on my skin
Then I'll be complete

I tell myself one
And one turns into four
Which turns into seven
Then we end with twelve

It helps and makes me heal
The cold metal caressing my skin
Almost a burn
And one turns into twelve

Her dreams were full of water
Of exploring the dark blue
And now her wish is fulfilled
Her ashes are spread among the Pacific

Stuck
Like I've licked the frozen pole
Trapped until we thaw
Until someone has the mercy
To pour water over my mouth
And set me free

Who knew that person would
Be me

It is hard to grab your own water
And fill the pail
When you are immobile
But we all have to learn how to
Fetch our own pails of water
Because you cannot be free
And in control till
You've decided you will be

You have to push through the *******
The lies people will spoon feed you
With cheap, plastic spoons
Finding your own way is not easy
But what is the point of life
When there is no struggle and challenge
To be had

Bipolar
Schitzo
Paranoia
Mania
Anxiety
PTSD
Depression

******
Liar
Dramatic
Never sits still
Makes a scene
Lives in her past
Needs to get over it

Beautiful
Unique
Quirky
Energetic
Caring
Wise
Helpful

You only know parts of me
Not the total

Oh little
Pink scars
Long and short
Lace my arms

Where they came from
I cant say
If I do
You might run away

You tell me I shouldn't
But you cant understand
This is my problem
You cant hold my hand

I have little pink scares
White ones too
They cover my body
Old and new

I had her
In my arms
Keeping her under my wing
Away from the words harm

I guess I did not
Hold her tight enough
She was ripped violently away
I thought I was tough

It turns out I am
Nothing but a child
A coward, shadow of a sister
My courage is mild

I watched her scream
As I tried to find
I felt my eyes burn
And throat tighten inside

They striped her away
She was kind and brave
She died for us
So we will not be slaves

Now I live
Moved on with my life
I tell my children
Of a rose cut by a knife

Why dont we put an
End to my sad story
Only a few cuts
Here and there

Watch as I write the words
With red ink
Now bind it up tightly
Not like anyone would care

But oh, no
I still am missing the ******
And oh, woah
Still some loose ends I need to attach

And Oh, I promise you now
As I head back into the dark
This is not a fairy tale
But a bang after my spark
It is more a King novel
Than a Snow White fantasy
So cut me up
Write me down
And take me out
To print and publish

Im bound up by leather
Oh what a tragedy
No one wants to hear
My sad sob story

And I find its easier
To pretend the people looking
Back at me are only
Judging me by my cover

And oh, no
Im still not at the finish line
And oh, woah
Still some loose ends I need to attach

As I head back into the dark, I promise
This is not a fairy tale
But a bang after the spark
It is more a King novel
Than a Snow White fantasy
So cut me up
Write me down
And take me out
To print and publish

Lets put me on the shelves!

I was sad before
But now I am depressed
And it dines on me
Slow some days, fast others

I was terribly, deeply sad before
Especially when I was alone
But I still smiled and
I still continued to feel

But now I am numb
And suicide is a constant companion
Lingering over me
Waiting for me to grab her hand and run

But I am at a stand still
A battle within myself
I am trying to decide whether to run
Or to stand tall and anchor myself to the soil

I cannot seem to stay clean
Days will pass since my last encounter
Then it starts all over again
And I feel guilty

Because I am worthless
And almost all my friends have left me
Disgusting, terrible, fat, nasty, pathetic
All branded on my body for the world to see

I feel numb
I feel alone
Tired and depressed
But no matter how I feel

I will still whisper
Steady "okay"'s and "I'm fine"'s
Cover my arms and legs
Hide away from the world because

I don't want you to worry

I hate you
No, hate is too kind
Despise is a better
Taste on the tongue

The chances of ever
Having a normal life
Were stripped from me
My peace of mind

I can't be with a person
In a romantic way
Like every one else
It is not the same

I just want to love
And be loved
But paranoia sets in
And it usually wins

What you have done
Didn't just hurt me
My brothers and mother
My father doesn't have a father

He hurts the worst of all
His own dad
******* up his family
And now we are all off kilter

I have three sets of grandparents
Six elders that are suppose to care
One went to jail for his crimes on me
The other two live in Illinois

Three sets of aunts and uncles
One didn't believe his confessions
One barely talks to us
The other... where is she again?

Our family is torn apart
Because you couldn't keep it
In your pants
You *******

Running around from boy to
Boy, the occasional female or two
Just to try to fix myself
To not see what is true

Forcing myself to kiss
To not shy away from touch
But I know I cannot keep
Away from reality's clutch

"So what if you like girls
I think that is okay"
But you don't hate to live
With it every single day

You don't have to be paranoid
About the glances shot your way
You don't have to live with
Trying to keep feelings at bay

And the one girl I know
That I have fallen for
Does not deserve someone like me
Someone with all these doors

Closed tight and locked
With the key thrown in the hay stack
I am a terrible human being
Who does not deserve to be loved back

So you cut everyone out
At the time it seems
You need friends the most?

Me, who over looks your so called
"Flaws" that everyone tells me
To be weary of?

Why do this now Penguin
You're hurting me inside
Where I sit alone in my empty chest

I will still be here
If and when you decide to
Walk right back in

Because I'm a hypocrite
And I cut people out of my life
But they can't cut me when they say they need me most

I will be here sitting
Waiting patiently if you
Ever turn around from where ever you're walking to

I'll be here alone and cold
And dead inside, but
I won't be angry or sad if you come back

No, I'll be happy and help you
Because resentment, I have learned recently,
Does nothing but build a walls where Hell resides

You walk
I walk

You smile
I'll smile right back

You leave this world
You leave this earth
You leave me alone

I promise you
I will follow
Right behind

The date is blurred out numbers
Running through my head
But I remember she caught my eye
And my stomach then felt like lead

Hair a ***** blonde and
Hazel eyes occupied by
Her own thoughts racing
Little did I know her thoughts said "die"

Later I would hear from peers
That she was a walking cry for attention
She sat silently with bruises on her thighs
But it was the self harming they forgot to mention

I watched her every day walk
In and out of class
Sit in the same seat
With a different book each time she'd pass

The girl would pull back
Her bangs from her view
And study her frail pages
Each word to her new

The day I had decided to
Ask her out to a date
Was the day her desk sat empty
I thought maybe she was late

But several days passed without
An appearance from the teen
I figured she was sick or had moved
Without having been seen

Magically eighteen days later
She settles into the chair
Girl looks up and smiles at me
And I am suddenly aware

She tried to leave the town
Leave the state and country
She tried to leave the planet
On a spaceship to see

The planets and stars
Meteors flying by
The rings of Saturn
She tried to fly so high

But was grounded from her mission
The abort button was hit
Now the girl is back with me
And in her chair she sits

I had no idea
Why we clicked
Snapped right into place
But we hit

And when we collided
My thoughts, memories
Feelings and pent up aggressions
Knocked out, jumbled my sentries

That were protecting the words
From escaping my lips
But I've set them free
Past my finger tips

Unto your hands
Your long fingers, cold
I hope that you keep my secrets
Till you are weary and old

My dear friend
Who I've burdened with so much trust
Please understand my words
Don't let my stories rust

Sweet relief and
Unattainable bliss
Inconsistent with reality
Calming, surprisingly
Irrational, maybe, but who cares as
Dawn approaches and I am dead
Empty of all blood and life

I'm confused
Because yes, she is sweet
And yes, my heart likes her
And my brain tells me I should

But today something happened

The only place I've slightly conveyed
My issues and my problems whole
Is this website here
This is my diary for strangers far and near

But today you got me talking
As we we're driving
You we're so inviting
I lent my secrets to you

Only time will tell
If this secret sharing
Was a mistake
Or the best choice yet

I hold my head up high
For I'm to proud to cry
As I whisper our final good bye
The words you say full of lies

Your hand finds my face
And you pull me into your embrace
My hearts pounding like I've ran a race
Oh I try not to leave a single trace

Of sadness in my heart
As you turn away to start
Heading home, and drifting us apart
My head tries to dart

The bullet of emotions racing to me
I tell myself this is the way it's meant to be
I lean on this cherry tree
And feel myself be free

There are three of us in the room

You
Me
And Silence

Sometimes Silence is kind
Gracing us with hands wrapped tight
Breathing deep, scents of each other strong
Legs tangled, arms bent, not knowing
Where one ends and the other starts

Sometimes Silence is excited
Static between us building
Twitchy and impatient
Eyes large and watching the trees roll by
As we drive down the black road

Sometimes Silence is content
And sits with us while you write words
Stroking the keys, like it is a fine instrument
And I lay reading, sipping tea across the room on the floor
The world is quite and so are we

Sometimes Silence is angry
Though we haven't experienced this yet, we will
And tension will hang like the humid summer time atmosphere
While we sit, confused and bubbling, trying to think
Of ways to say sorry without fumbling with words

Because words get in the way
And Silence is malleable, fluid
Silence is water
It can slip through our hands
Or can be contained

No matter what you do
Silence will be there

Thank you for making the Silence bearable
For making it less frigid
Less lonely or painful

Thank you for filling the Silence with so much life

I want to please you
Make you happy in a
Way only I can satisfy
Quench a thirst in your parched throat

I only wish it were so simple

I'm scared to be touched
I hate to be tickled
Physical contact puts me on edge
Every stroke deepens the wedge

In my heart
And in my brain
It's now a knee **** reaction
To pull away from your passion

I'm sorry my love
I can't give everything you desire
I wish I could give it away
Throw the fears and past behind

I only wish it were so simple

They say that
Money makes the world go round

It's nights like these
That make me wish it simply
Didn't.

You've been the cause of

Butterflies
Wide smiles
Days without cutting
Dreams
Sleepless nights

And now the cause of

Nausea
Dark frowns
Fresh cuts
Nightmares
And sleepless nights

I've hit a new low
By smashing a hand mirror
Into many new sharp edges
And using it to carve a new story

Into my wrists and thighs
And as I whispered my good byes
To my new years resolution
I cried because I realised

I don't know if I want to get better
Everyone wants me to
Everyone is rooting and cheering me on
But I'm stuck here, wondering

Why I want to get better
And why can't I get worse
I see no reason not to
Nothing is stopping me

And the throbbing in my leg and wrist
Reminds me that there is no escape
I can't do anything right
And I don't want to get better

What's the point