Your jacket I kept today
And now I'm swaddled in
Your smell and the vastness of it

Laying in my bed I
Engulf you, take in the perfume
Of your natural body

And it feels like you're right here
Curled up next to me and
All around me

I am swallowed by you
While I cry and wish with my
Heavy heart that you were really here

Anticipation is dissolving
My already thin patience

I am excited to ink
My body and dim the old lines

Painting a new story on the
Canvas, writing over the old

The old words on my body will
Still linger there

But fade will the scars
And my memories will blur

And my new story will be magnificent
I can promise that

Tears of stone
She sheds tonight
In the middle of darkness
Alone and in fright

We laugh at her
We do not know
When the moon goes up
Her blood drips low

Hanging there 
Like a decoration 
Her next breath
An anticipation

But she stops breathing
Stops crying herself to sleep
Stops hurting
She does not weep

Now she is gone
We all feel ashamed
That we didn't see
We are all to blame

Those tears of stone
Were never shed again
For her body is drained of fluids
So good night and Amen

My whole life
I've been described as
Hypervigilant

Trauma after trauma
I thought being an adult
Would solve these problems

I thought turning eighteen
And leaving my home behind
Would mean the end

But growing up doesn't mean
Bad things will suddenly
Stop happening to you

Growing up doesn't save you
From these new monsters
Under our beds

Growing up doesn't mean
That you're safe with the people
You thought you were safe with

Growing up just means you're
At it completely
And totally alone

The people you look toward
For comfort are the reason
That you're running in the first place

We are all born naked and alone
And we will all pass away
Naked and alone

Fight for yourself
Grow up for yourself
Live for yourself

Because in the end
You're what matters the most
You are all that's left

When I was young
I promised myself
To never turn into the monsters
I saw on the glowing screen

But years pass by
And the promises we've
Made ourselves fade away
And we roll around in our broken dreams

We bathe in sadness
In guilt and shame
We swallow lies society feeds us
How we should behave

Perfect lips and ribs poking
A thigh gap and straight teeth
Tall and lean
Tan with no blemishes

These are the ingredients
For a perfect body to fit
Right into society
And to be happy

The promises had
Nearly slipped through the
Cracks in this fragile thing
We've named 'life'

I've forgotten my own
Oaths I've made
I'm sorry younger me
You would be proud

When I was younger
If I was shown what my future would be
Maybe I would have tried to change
Or slit my wrists to prevent the inevitable

But this is my life now
This is what I've become
I don't like what I see
I'm not having any fun

You only wanted my happiness
When I was in despair
I didn't see your struggle
Through my own selfish haze
And I'm sorry

I should have uncovered my eyes
And seen you were there
Arms out and trying to hold me
That's all you wanted
Was to hold me

But I put up a fight
Saying things were all right
I nearly lost my voice
By saying I'm fine
When I was not

I'm still not fine
And I didn't realize the comfort
That you gave until I told you to go
Now I talk less
And cut more

My life a mess
And my heart aches
All I want now
Is your embrace

But I'm not going to get
What I want this time

Am I?

When I walked away
You call me back
For a second kiss goodbye

On the phone I would call you
With water leaking from my eyes
You wound whisper one moment

And one moment later
I could hear rocks on my window pain
As you, called my name

It was those
Little things
Those little things
That left me
Thinking of you
Left me
Thinking of you
Images flash
Like a reel in my head
I try to put them to bed
But they toss and turn, no
Those little things

You weren't overly jealous
No, only overly protective
Why did it change

Kisses on the forehead
Lips that we read
Now it's all
Dead....

It was those
Little things
Those little things
That left me
Thinking of you
Left me
Thinking of you
Images flash
Like a reel in my head
I try to put them to bed
But they toss and turn, no
Those little things

They keep me up all night
Trying to start a fight
A battle in my brain
A battle in my brain

My heart
Can't start
Love again

It was those
Little things
That left me
Thinking of you

Before I let them
Rip open the earth and
Stick me under just
To sew it back up
I want to fly

I want to loose my breathe
With the wind and
Close my eyes, to be at peace
For three fragile seconds
I want the wind to slip through
My hair and my make up to
Be ruined
I want to smile and be
Happy for three seconds

Before I come crashing down
And land on solid ground
Reality will hit
My body will just be a body
No me inside
But before I let this world take me
I want to be free and live
For the first time
Right before I die

Time use to only nip
At my slender ankles
But now it gnashes and
Forces me to flee
I am being pulled through time
So quickly I feel as if I
Am traveling through the
Day, each one shorter than
The day before

And before you know it
It will be September and
Senior year will be knocking on
The door I have tried to hard to
Barricade, adding locks and boards
Of weak wood

I am only a young child
But society soon deems me an adult
Capable of a job and work
And living on my own
But I do not want to be
On my own
I want to shrink down and be
Five again, because then
I didn't think like I do now

I didn't worry about the future
College and the mysteries life holds
The people surrounding me with their
Opinions and crude thoughts
And same-*** marriage wasn't a
Huge deal for me
But now it engulfs us
swallows us whole
And I am scared

I don't want to be scared anymore

After you go through Hell
You don't talk about it
You try to push it back
Down your throat

What might seem like Hell
Another person might pray for
But to you it seem like your lowest
It seems like rock bottom

Little did I know
That after the rock hits
It borrows deep into the sand
And continues its journey down

I'm prepared for more
**** to hit the fan
I have braced myself
And I hope to brave this storm too

Because this too shall pass

And if you can't see anything
Beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Look a little closer
Stare a little longer!

Because there's something
Inside you that made you
Keep trying despite
Everyone who told you to quit

You built a cast around
Your broken heart,
And you signed it!
You signed it

'They Were Wrong'!

We use to be one
Minds connected and strong
We thought nothing could take us down
Oh we couldn't have been more wrong

Your fingers spoke
Unspoken words to my soft skin
Those eyes pierced into my soul
Two windows that were twins

But then God struck us down
We no longer communicate
It is worthless Babel
That we accumulate

Our little Tower of Babel
Came crumbling down
For lack of communication
Is what we have found

I watch for your wrists
You know who you are
That girl, you're reading this right now
The one with the scars

I understand what is happening
Though I won't say I know
Exactly what you're going through
I do not have that right

But let me say this
I walked that block for two years
For two many years
To not know some of your fears

I know that you're scared
And some of this seems involuntary
But I promise you that
Your journey isn't solitary

I guess you could keep cutting
Up your skin
You don't have control, right?
But I have learned it does not **** what's within

Me of all people are telling you
To put down and throw away
The rusty old razors
I only want you to stay

Stay with me and stay with him
Keep the toes planted to the ground
And grow them deep into the soil
And refuse to be uprooted

Are you meeting me
At the hill top high
Where we laughed together
Where we have cried

Where my body lies
Under the dark dirt, brown
Where I lay in peace
Where I dont make a sound

Let us play together
Under dark dirt, brown
Watch out for that ledge
Where I came tumbling down

I cannot see light
Only a memory is the sky
Under dark dirt, brown
I do not question why

Are you meeting me
At the hill top high
Under dark dirt, brown
Where I lay to die

I don't know how to say
That the other day
I almost put the bullet
Into the left side of my brain

I didn't break it off because the
Connection wasn't there anymore
The reason was because I love you
And I didn't want you to hurt

Unfinished business
Is ugly and painful
I wanted you to be free
Before I flee into darkness

But at five am on Saturday
I decided to not

I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them

You slice
U
P

Right?

Today we played a game
Except it wasn't fun at all
We climbed up some dark stairs
Where no one even cared

About where we were
Or knew where we were even at
There we played truth or dare
We laughed and we sat

But then the game turned
Down a serious trail
Where there are more dares than truths
Where one of us decided to bail

One fully naked
Me fully clothed
Two still half dressed
As we went deeper down this road

Half dressed boy
Started tugging at my shirt
A dare I had passed
Cause I knew it would hurt

Hurt my pride
My already scared mind
But you kept tugging and tugging
My stomach in a binde

You forced it over me
And started to force off my bra
Grabbed my *****, that's when fully naked girl
Looked into my eyes and saw

"I think were done
So you can now stop"
He tugged at my arms and bra some more
You could have heard the tears drop

So we stood up in silence
Gathered our clothes
Headed back down the dark stairs
And didn't speak another word

Why are we here?
How did we get here?
Where do we go from here?
When did you stop loving me?

Was it a year ago? Two?
Was is more than that?
When did the feelings start to fade?
What did I do for you to stop caring?

The thing is
I feel like you think I'm terrible
I'm walking garbage
You left me like I was

What did you see in me
In the first place?
Why did you even choose me
In the first place?

Was it slow?
Was it some specific action?
I tried to be there for you
I tried to help

But you never let me in
You never let me help
Even when you were vulnerable
You were still closed up

I feel like I never knew you
I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore
I'm not the same person
I'm different, things have changed

They will never go back to
What they were
But I have this sick fantasy
Made up in my head

That you'll call me at 3 a.m.
Voice shaking and heart aching
You'll take everything back
You'll say sorry and want me again

Want me like how I want you

I can't talk to anyone
The way I can talk to you
I can't sit in silence with anyone
The way silence feels comfortable with you

No one feels like you
My heart is empty
I've been doing stupid things
Letting stupid things happen

Just so I can feel something
Anything at all
But everything is numb
It feels like I'm in a play

I'm a guest star in my own life
I'm sleep walking on set
I'm a robot, performing basic functions
I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings

Nothing feels real anymore
No where feels like home
No one feels like home
I don't know what to do or where to go

I am stuck in a place
I'm not even sure where it is anymore
I can't stop rambling
Filling this empty space

Nothing fills this empty space
My heart still aches
Everyone feels like a stranger
No where is home

I just want to die
Because then the pain would be over
At least I wouldn't feel empty
I just wouldn't exist anymore

That's better than this empty I feel

I can't go back
I don't think I deserve to go back
I don't deserve a lot of things
I don't deserve a lot of people

I don't deserve to be here
They don't deserve someone
As empty as me
As cold and harsh as me

Everyone is pretending to like me
My own lover hates the way I look
My own family tolerates me
That's why I can't leave

If I were to leave
What would I do?
Where would I go?
I'm trapped

I'm trapped in this empty shell
I'm trapped in my own head
I'm trapped in this relationship
I'm so tired

She flew away into the sun
But the wax wings melted her hope

We are our worst enemies
We can be so harsh on ourselves
We are to selfish and self absorbed and
Worried about the future that we forget to
Live in the moment

We let others cut us out at the knees
We see the blade coming, but we don't
Make a move to stop it
Some people go through these timesand if

You havent already, dont worry
Your time is coming
Life is an ongoing battle and I fear the
Casualties are stacking up and up

Soon the pile while break out into
The outer hemisphere
We focus too much on the negative in life and
We loose our path and forget to live

Don't forget that the past is the past
You cannot forget it, but time fades the
Scars that will never fully fade away
You just learn from and find a way to move on

I am my own worst enemy and
I hate myself more than anyone else
But my scars are fading
And now it't time to let go

When I was little
I would stare up at
My mother and think to myself
That's what I want to be when I grow up

I wanted nothing more than
To become my mother
Who tucked me in
Kissed my scrapes

Who nurtured me
Brought me water when I was
Sick and sang me to sleep
And who told me how strong I was

Little did I know
That moms are dished out
Their own servings of problems
But my mom was different

She was served piles of
Left overs and week old bread
Water unfit for a dog
And dessert was scarce

Later I learned I was the dessert
So was my father
Though he was more sour than others
She didn't care, she loved it all

But as I've grown older
The piles of unfit food
Are tumbling down
Right on top of me

My mother's food labeled
Bipolar, depression
Anxiety, self harm
Body image issues and so much more

More than one person should
Be dished up, more than
One person can stomach
Too much for the plate to handle

The plate is cracked, chipped
Used, with a residue still blanketed over
And we've learned our eyes are bigger than
Our stomachs and we attempt the plate alone

But you can't handle a full course meal
If you're stomach is so small

I've learned that even though
Doctors label my mother
Crazy and unstable
I still crave to be her

Because she's survived through
What seems like everything
And she is not only alive
But my mother is living

Maybe not the way she imagined
But she still tries to make
The best of each day
She does so much with so little

Yes, I still want to be my mother
I want to be strong and brave
Kind and nurturing
I want to be everything she thinks she isn't

Because she is my everything

Hurt numbs the heart
Makes it cold
Makes it almost
Unbearable to hold

I just want
Some one to love
Thats all I ask for
When push comes to shove

For a partner
For a friend
For a lover
To love me to the end

We dont always
Receive what we wish
But could there be an exception
To this painful bliss

I want to hold your hand
I want to hug you tight
I want to shower you
With delight

I look forward
To this day
When we can kiss
Love and lay

Calm the rivers
Calm the tides
Calm the ocean
Hope they all abide

To the words
On my lips
Dripping off
My finger tips

All I want
Is a lover
I want a passion
That will burn brighter

Brighter than
All the suns
Shine down your love
Never to be done

Without love
We are wild
Survival is key
Hate is mild

So take these words
Take them to heart
Our love is just
About to start

June 28, 2012
By Kaitlyn Henle

Over text
Again
You broke my heart
Again

But hey!
What's new

They see the scars
But not the story
They see your mangled outer shell
But not the lessons that put you through Hell

Whether it was from a battle on the field
Or a battle in your head
Or from them cutting you open
To take out the tumor instead

Whether you now have a new
***** in your body
Or you fell of the shed
Maybe you failed at your attempt to be dead

They see the scars
Not the story

I love how you have branded
Me with the words
Beautiful, gorgeous,
Smart, funny

While others have been staining
Different flavors on my coffee table like
Ugly, dumb,
Clingy, overwhelming

You see past the flaws
And the flaws you do see
You turn into my quirks
And that they're just apart of me

You don't try to morph me
Mold me like clay
You accept me as a fine piece of
Art still being painted

So thank you
For sticking around
Through the ups and
Through my downs

While other kids laughed
And played their days away
I spent mine hiding in a shell
Building my walls, made of

The tears I cried
The ash of dreams I once dreamt
My own bones for the structure inside
And the blood which flowed freely

While other kids slept
I cried my night's away
And made myself physically sick by
Crying too much

At a young age I thought of
The world and the agony we
Are forced through
Because I'd been through it myself

While other kids didn't worry
About the financial situation their
Parents were in
At age five I was

I didn't mention the class shirts
Or the fields trips as much as I should
And I worries about Christmas
And how to pay the rent instead

While other kids enjoyed their youth
I was too busy focusing on the future
And trying to grow up
That I didn't savor my childhood

I'm still young but not
Young enough to truly enjoy
The days on the play ground
Or the birthday parties with the clowns

Now I'm big and I still worry
Nothing has changed
And I feel more alone
Than I ever have