Staring into darkness
Hoping to see stars
But there's
Nothing
Nothing
There.

Only when I slumber I find peace
A way to escape this world when I sleep
My soul at ease
Finally
As I lay there meditated
And my heart beats in serenity
And while I dream the stars phase through the clouds
Comforting the ground
But when I shift
The stars spark and turn into flames
Then nightmare creeps around
Like a ghoul
Breath from its nose flashes like lightening
Devastation In my hibernation awake  
Like a grumbling grizzly
When I sleep
But only in its hibernation is a grizzly at peace

I'm trying to get away
Get away from my love.
I'm trying to rid my heart
Of you.

But you call my name
And you pull me back in
With your sweet smile
And your cigarette.

We pretend that we don't need them,
That we just have them for show,
But we both know we're dependent.
At least I know that you are.

You pull it to your lips
And I play off my jealousy
For that sip of nicotine
As if I don't wish that
It were me on your mouth.

And I'm trying to get away,
I know you're no good for me.
But your eyes bring me back
And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore.
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages,
But they're riddled with you.
And you want to see my words,
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

I am
Nothing more
Than a bag of bones.
My rib cage
Is a prison you rend
In twain, tear the mesh,
And sift fruitlessly through.
I am
An empty shell
You discarded;
All unraveled ends
And frayed edges.
I am
Orange peels
Carrying the essence
Of something sweet
As an echo of scent
And color-
-I will
Return to the earth
And start again.

My thoughts are so loud I'm afraid people can hear them in a quiet room
But the look on their faces say
otherwise
or are they pretending so they could pry more?
or are they thinking the same, looking at my face to see if I could hear their thoughts?
My thoughts are like a ticking time bomb,
a few minutes away from explosion,
a few minutes from disaster.
I'm crawling towards it,
fumbling for the right wire
snapping it just in time for it to stop,
crisis averted for today.

When I needed a google search to tell me if I was still a ******.

It took a game of dare or double dare to teach me I don’t know repeated sounds an awful lot like yes
and ******* can drop mountains on boundaries not yet built –
serrated edges on once innocent skin

I let you carve me.

Nine years later and I’m still trying to find air in the ocean where it all happened.
I took lessons, but I never learned how to swim.

I remember thinking you must’ve liked me, that was the reason
and returning the favor would’ve made it okay. I found you in my freshmen year yearbook.

But I was wearing a bikini shaped like ignorance and a smile lined with naïve

you weren’t reaching for my heart when you went to hold my hand,
forcibly lacing my fingers like ribs around your ****.

I still wonder if dropping the I don’t before the know would’ve made any difference.