Op. 61

and every chord strikes me like a bullet in the chest
and i can't breathe, i can't walk
because every chord reminds me of you,
and the loud thud of my own heartbeat

I had once said that I never wanted to see you again.
"Just one more year," I had said, "And I'll never have to see him again."
But then things happened.
We grew closer, we grew stronger.

And now I find myself needing you,
Hanging on to the hope of seeing you again
And I wonder what happened.
When was I right? Was I ever even close?

we hung out without you for the first time today.
i had another fight with alex, you would've thought it was hilarious
and you probably would've backed me up.
i don't know why i'm putting this here, it's not even poetry
but i don't have anywhere else,
i don't have anyone else

And when I look up at the stars at night, it reminds me of how much you love them.
How you would tell me about every single one and I would pretend like I didn't know anything because honestly, I just liked to listen.

And I would give anything to go back.
The height of July, the heat laying heavy on my chest
And the constellations, scattered on your skin and in your eyes
And my lungs, collapsing with every breath

I'll remember you for the rest of my life, probably.
if not, then a really long time.

You're an important person and I want you to know
that you'll do fine, you'll be okay.

And I'll look back on everything that's happened
and where we are now, and know that there's more to come.

Because even if you don't write
even if you don't visit
even if I don't see you ever again,

Your smile will always be engraved on the inside of my heart,
and I cherish that.

we haven't talked, you haven't responded.
it's almost been a month and a half
and I am counting down the days until I can see you again
and yet I feel like you don't care.

I've been feeling sicker and sicker
even though it's summer,
my cough has thickened, my dark circles have grown,
and yet I can't seem to sleep.

you're older, you're further ahead.
I can't wait for you to be gone,
I need you out of me, far away from me,
and yet I need you here.

he wants to hear my compositions
and i don't know what to say.
they're all about him.
about the wounds that he's cut deep into my skin, past my veins, past my bones,
and i can't show that to him. i just can't.

he loves to hear me play,
he says i play like an angel.
that my fingertips float across the keyboard.
and i want to play for him
but i can't, because he sees right through me
in a way that no one else does,
and i can't have that.

how
can i take the only way of properly expressing myself
an expose it?? just like that? it makes no sense.
i would do it for him, hell, i'd do anything for him.
but not now, not here, not when they're all about him.