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elaine Oct 21
I fell asleep with him drunk and stupidly in love. That's how most of my stories go. I was drunk, and I looked at him like he was God. I would fantasize and convince myself that I can finally be with someone that actually wants me. They leave and I accept the fact that no one would love someone like me.
My first lover told me I needed to stop letting people **** me so easily. So I waited and waited and still was unsure but I slept with them and they left. So I guess you were wrong, people just leave me.
I've been second-guessing people's feelings since they first state them. It annoys them but I'm never too sure until they get fed up and leave me hurting. I beg them to stay even if they will hurt me worse in the end, but I am hurting now so it won't be any different. It just doesn't seem to matter. I just need to feel. But once again I pick up a bottle and ***** the first person to talk to me because baby, I haven't been the same since you left. So call me crazy or a ***** but I want you to know I will never love someone more than I loved you. So please tell me again how I need to stop sleeping with people so easily because that's what I did with you and that got you to stay around for a while. A little bit longer than most. Please just don't leave me.
Everyone seems to leave me so I might just take this ***** and jump off the roof because baby I haven't been living since you left me. Baby, I haven't been breathing since you left.
I need to leave too. I think its better. I absolutely despise myself and everyone who has been around me. I hate this person I've become after you but baby, I was so young when you met me I don't know who I am to this day. Baby, I was so young.
Why did you have to introduce me to hurt like that so young?
You can see me with a bottle in hand because baby I am better when I'm drunk I've been told
elaine Sep 3
I don't know which is worse, being forgotten or being ignored. Both happen too much in my life. Why can't I just get a break? Can't you see I want to rip my ******* hair out? I want to delete you all from my life. Why can't you all leave me alone? Can't you see your stupid ******* "complements" don't help me in any way? Being called "so ******* hot" makes me feel gross. I'm sorry that I'm only used for that.
Tell me again how you want to bend me down and **** me. That makes me feel like a public sink. I'm going insane. I'm sorry I don't wear my sadness on my cheek but that doesn't mean I want to **** your ****. Cry again and again because I don't want to ******* in the back of your car in a parking lot.
You're right! I'm taking this life for granted but honestly peel off my skin. Rip ever layer off. I want to bleed. Let me ******* bleed out. My heart needs to stop pounding. I hate hearing it. I hate hearing that I'm alive. Stop talking! I hate lying about how I am, but if I say anything but "great" then I am just begging for attention.
Please tell me that you want to have a ******* with me and my twin because that makes me feel great! Just rip my ****** off and use it. I'm not there anyway when you're pounding into me. Hell even when you smack me and call me a ***** like I am absolutely nothing. I am nothing to any of you but a quick ****.
YOU said you would always be there to let me talk. Let me rant to you. I know I will pay for your time by opening my legs right? Pound into me and look into my eyes. I'm not there. I'm not there any of the time. I'm not there! I'm not here. I'm not anywhere.
I'm lost between denial and self-pity. That's all I do. What do you do?sit in your stupid ****** up relationship and judge me? Maybe I want this. Maybe I need this. Maybe I want to die. Tell me again how I move on too quickly. How I can get a new guy every day. Tell me how you just can't wait to taste me. Lick me.  I won't ever tell you what's swimming inside my head. I don't need you guys to stay around just because I want to **** myself. I don't need to talk to you guys about it. I'll do it someday. If it's with all these guys that rip my soul from me bucket at a time or even just the form of forgetting you all of you and moving far, far away. I need to get away from this blessed town before I am gone beyond saving. I'm so close to being gone. I don't need any of you though. Please just listen to this and know that I don't need you here.
I'm gone, so far from gone baby and you just don't ******* care.
elaine Aug 5
I told you I didn't want to be alive anymore. Maybe not death, but the way I was living wasn’t for me anymore. You held me close while I was fighting back the tears and demons. That night, you got me to sneak out, you didn't want to be alone either.
That was only a few weeks ago, do you remember it? Can I have that lovely, midnight boy back? Did I ever even have him?
That boy is who I think about when I speak to God about love. Although whenever you talk about love, you really mean lust or your blessed ex-girlfriend who is stuck in a long term relationship (****** buddy, really wish I could help you out here but I’m selfish. Why can’t you like me like that?)
You asked me to hang out a few days ago, I agreed, of course. I miss you more than I can admit. I told you, no ***. You texted me back, “what’s the point in hanging out if you are going to be boring.'' But what’s the point in falling for a guy who’s an ******* half the time.
Honestly, my version of the “good” you is pretty *******. I mean I wonder if my friends truly believe that you could have said half the **** you seemed to have genuinely meant. I always, always, present you like the best guy you could ever be. Here I am, once again, not even attempting to badmouth you. You really know how to work my mind. I give you props for that. Midnight boy, the one I admire the most, where did you run off to this time? I miss you. Come back.
Somedays I fear you only lived in my mind. My dear, I’m going crazy. I can’t sort what is real and what isn’t. Did you really say all those sweet things to me, darling? Or did I picture you saying that?  I wish I could get out of my head. Usually, I rant to you, but ranting to you about yourself would just simply be obscured. So maybe you can read my poetry someday and realize every verse on every poem is soaked in you.
The real problem is you never truly wanted my love. Maybe it made you feel better, maybe you felt powerful with it. Knowing I would do anything to be with you. Really it should make you feel like a ****** person, leading me to believe you really wanted me. You made up things to ensure nothing came real between us. Parents, sports, lust for any other godforsaken female on this planet. Hell, once you told me you don’t know why I even stay around. That if you were me, you would have left a long time ago. That made me think. Would you really? You told me it was a sign we always ended back in the same position. Underneath the stars on your trampoline. The sun would be coming up and I would curse time for still moving in a time like this. A time where everything was so peaceful and lovely. We would distance ourselves for a month or so. But, we would return back there, spilling out our souls. Or at least I did. You told me I knew everything about you, yet you feel like such a stranger to me.
God, please send this boy some help. I tried, I really did. But as the saying goes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. I want all my prayers about him to be granted if that isn’t much of a hassle. I’m wishing you could hear this all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over this boy, yet I only want the best for him.
I’ve cried and cried. But he doesn’t shed a tear, for anyone.
I hope this gets to you someday.
  May 27 elaine
Risa Njoroge
Another cold and lonely night,
Seated in the corner of this dark bar under a dim light,
Looking for the kind of love that lasts till first light,
Is it love under a drunken sight?
“From the guy at the bar"
Says the waitress who forgot a part of her dress,
She raises the glass and yet again lowers her bar,
She will have to fall in love with him tonight!

"I'll be right back,” She says  as she tries to get her *** up,  
Staggers away into the old filthy bathroom with a broken latch,
What used to be a mirror is nothing but broken glass,
Shattered in pieces like her broken heart,
The unpaid ***** she has now become,
Another tale of a her now too many one-night stands,
Grasping tightly at the illusion of this drunken love,
Each Night, A different Knight,

He doesn’t even own an old truck,
Or have enough money for the yellow cab,
Yet his working hand she holds
And together they stagger into the dark night,
Last night's knight’s cologne still lingers on,
Like the poison of hate that now runs through her veins,
He throws his jacket over the window pane,
She even lets him touch her now pale face!

The illusion of this temporary love doesn't last,
His wife is about to break through the phone,
This **** slob passed out with one foot on the floor,
Under this morning light, he looks nothing like the shinning knight,
"Time to leave, thanks for the drink!"
He leans forward to give her one last kiss,
Just one double of cheap whiskey,
Not a penny left where he picked his keys,

She will be cold and lonely tonight,
She will be at that bar seated in the corner under the dim light,
Falling in love with you,
And hoping it lasts longer than first light!
#unpaidwhore #pennedvixen #lookingforlove
elaine May 3
your hands tighten around my neck, my breathing stops.
i think for a moment, this is love.

punch, kick, slap me. i don't care anymore.

this is love to you, but
this isn't love to me.
i'm not sure anymore, my feelings go all over the place. would it be possible for you to help me find every part of myself?
elaine May 3
i want to know what it would feel like to be loved.
is it how the movies make up of it? will i finally be put together?
i'm told that i am to young for love, that it won't come to me until later.
but you can't tell me that it wasn't love when __ constantly asked to see my wrists and made sure i was eating. you can't tell me it wasn't love when i asked for him to stay, and he held me close, disregarding the consequences.
you can't tell me you didn't love me, right?

but wait! you told me somedays you wish i would just leave, that you didn't want to hurt me anymore. but this isn't pain, right? this is love. this is love. you told me once that i need to leave you alone, delete you off of everything, that it would be better this way. you told me it was a joke, you were joking, you were joking, right?

it doesn't matter anymore. for i have been forced to move on.

you told me you didn't want to lose me. do you still mean that?
just so you know, if you call, i will come running back. don't think that i wont.
elaine Apr 26
i live on the idea that everyone i love
will be just like you.

you.
such an absurd thing you are.
are you still out there thinking about me?
i wonder what it would be like
if you loved me as i loved you.
could we work past the hurt
the betrayal  
the pain we caused?

do you think of me today?
i need to know.
i pass in the halls and can't help but want you to stop.
to wait for me.
to pick me up and take me far away from
where we could be each other.

i need to know if you ever loved me.
actually, love is a strong word.
deeply admire.
oh, how i admired you.
if anything,
you were the first person i “loved”.
if i stay on this trail of hate,
you will be the only one i “love”.
  
i gave you every part of me.
even though you couldn’t do the same,
i gave you new experiences.
i would like to think that i taught you how to communicate
in person at least.
we didn't have enough time to work on
talking through the phone.

do you remember when i stayed up
listening to you rant about your day?
we would just talk.
i think we annoyed my sister whose bed was next time mine.
but i never cared.
it was just me and you.
i swear i fell even harder when i heard you laugh
or even when you cried.

you never cried in front of me but i knew you did.
you were always hurting.
i could never heal your hurt,
or even distract you.
was it a problem with me?
was i just not the right one for you?

i think it was a good thing we didn't work.
but right now, i think it still stings.
very slightly, but the hurt is there.
maybe someday i will find something to distract me completely from this sting.

maybe we could meet up again.
and we could love again.
the feelings might not be as strong,
but maybe this time,
we can love a new way.
would you be okay with that?
could we finally be together in some altered universe?

the least you could do is to stop
looking
so ******* cute.
could you maybe teach me how to love like you don't care? i want to be just like you.
heartless but so caring.
cold yet so warm.
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