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elaine Feb 10
in a way, i wish that i never found poetry in the way your lust dripped off of me.
the way you cared. ( you did right? ) the gently rough ways you had.
in a way, i wish that i never payed attention to all these details. i remember too much. i really don't think about you anymore, but when i do, i remember it all. i can't help it, it's like when i'm with you i analyze everything. the curve of your shoulder, the way you look at me, that cute laugh you have. oh, that smile. that smile was melting.
i just wanted to feel like i was at home, but you can't pretend when your home is a *****.
i wish you were around to tell me to stop smoking, to tell me about these terrible guys i find myself talking to. i wish i could talk to you. i could just talk. sometimes i wish i wouldn't have.
but you see here, you fuel the poetry hidden under my fingertips, the way i see cigarettes or uno or the color pink. the way i look at the moon is never the same, maybe that's why i don't anymore. my birthday marks one more year of the worst decision of my life, a constant reminder i have never been enough. whenever i see a car like yours i hope that it's you in it, i might act like i don't care around anyone else, but i can't deny that my heart picks up pace and i find myself looking. how pathetic really, the fact that you fuel my poetry and i can't even be a single thought in your head.
tell me honestly, was this just a weird, sick dream i had? or did you really not care.
I can count dozens upon dozens of people who are in this poem, they all are the same
elaine Feb 6
The birds aren't lilac anymore, so I guess to my horror, change isn't present.

How are both skies still green? I thought I did much better? They won't stop. I used chemicals. I put them into my eyes so I won't see this horror. It didn't stop.

Can you imagine yellow crocodiles? With open wide jaws, that eat me whole. They eat me and I’m gone.
  Chomp.                            
Chomp.            
Chomp.
Why is everyone still blue? No red! Blue teeth, blue hair, and blue eyes.
Yuck!
I thought something was going to change. Lovers' hearts aren’t blue anymore, they simply just aren’t there. No more thumps to signify love, excitement, fear. I guess that changes enough.

The pink house on the top of the hill still basks in the cold black sun, it used to be bright, but it’s just a rock. What did anyone expect?

Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Crocodiles don’t like blue people.
Nov 2019 · 314
Gas station therapy
elaine Nov 2019
I put down some bad-heath food I just grabbed off the shelf to hold a conversation with someone.
"How has your night been?"
Well, I'm glad you asked. I just found out my friends are in love with a ******, everyone is suicidal, and I am utterly alone. The world can stop turning any day now but I am spiraling out of control.
She smiles, "That will be $2.19"

I threw my change in the parking lot, I hope she remembers I was there.
It didn't really go like that. It was a man and he didn't ask me. I wish he would have asked me.
Oct 2019 · 122
Drunks with open hearts
elaine Oct 2019
I fell asleep with him drunk and stupidly in love. That's how most of my stories go. I was drunk, and I looked at him like he was God. I would fantasize and convince myself that I can finally be with someone that actually wants me. They leave and I accept the fact that no one would love someone like me.
My first lover told me I needed to stop letting people **** me so easily. So I waited and waited and still was unsure but I slept with them and they left. So I guess you were wrong, people just leave me.
I've been second-guessing people's feelings since they first state them. It annoys them but I'm never too sure until they get fed up and leave me hurting. I beg them to stay even if they will hurt me worse in the end, but I am hurting now so it won't be any different. It just doesn't seem to matter. I just need to feel. But once again I pick up a bottle and ***** the first person to talk to me because baby, I haven't been the same since you left. So call me crazy or a ***** but I want you to know I will never love someone more than I loved you. So please tell me again how I need to stop sleeping with people so easily because that's what I did with you and that got you to stay around for a while. A little bit longer than most. Please just don't leave me.
Everyone seems to leave me so I might just take this ***** and jump off the roof because baby I haven't been living since you left me. Baby, I haven't been breathing since you left.
I need to leave too. I think its better. I absolutely despise myself and everyone who has been around me. I hate this person I've become after you but baby, I was so young when you met me I don't know who I am to this day. Baby, I was so young.
Why did you have to introduce me to hurt like that so young?
You can see me with a bottle in hand because baby I am better when I'm drunk I've been told
Aug 2019 · 375
Midnight boy
elaine Aug 2019
I told you I didn't want to be alive anymore. Maybe not death, but the way I was living wasn’t for me anymore. You held me close while I was fighting back the tears and demons. That night, you got me to sneak out, you didn't want to be alone either.
That was only a few weeks ago, do you remember it? Can I have that lovely, midnight boy back? Did I ever even have him?
That boy is who I think about when I speak to God about love. Although whenever you talk about love, you really mean lust or your blessed ex-girlfriend who is stuck in a long term relationship (****** buddy, really wish I could help you out here but I’m selfish. Why can’t you like me like that?)
You asked me to hang out a few days ago, I agreed, of course. I miss you more than I can admit. I told you, no ***. You texted me back, “what’s the point in hanging out if you are going to be boring.'' But what’s the point in falling for a guy who’s an ******* half the time.
Honestly, my version of the “good” you is pretty *******. I mean I wonder if my friends truly believe that you could have said half the **** you seemed to have genuinely meant. I always, always, present you like the best guy you could ever be. Here I am, once again, not even attempting to badmouth you. You really know how to work my mind. I give you props for that. Midnight boy, the one I admire the most, where did you run off to this time? I miss you. Come back.
Somedays I fear you only lived in my mind. My dear, I’m going crazy. I can’t sort what is real and what isn’t. Did you really say all those sweet things to me, darling? Or did I picture you saying that?  I wish I could get out of my head. Usually, I rant to you, but ranting to you about yourself would just simply be obscured. So maybe you can read my poetry someday and realize every verse on every poem is soaked in you.
The real problem is you never truly wanted my love. Maybe it made you feel better, maybe you felt powerful with it. Knowing I would do anything to be with you. Really it should make you feel like a ****** person, leading me to believe you really wanted me. You made up things to ensure nothing came real between us. Parents, sports, lust for any other godforsaken female on this planet. Hell, once you told me you don’t know why I even stay around. That if you were me, you would have left a long time ago. That made me think. Would you really? You told me it was a sign we always ended back in the same position. Underneath the stars on your trampoline. The sun would be coming up and I would curse time for still moving in a time like this. A time where everything was so peaceful and lovely. We would distance ourselves for a month or so. But, we would return back there, spilling out our souls. Or at least I did. You told me I knew everything about you, yet you feel like such a stranger to me.
God, please send this boy some help. I tried, I really did. But as the saying goes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. I want all my prayers about him to be granted if that isn’t much of a hassle. I’m wishing you could hear this all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over this boy, yet I only want the best for him.
I’ve cried and cried. But he doesn’t shed a tear, for anyone.
I hope this gets to you someday.
May 2019 · 1.3k
Love leaves me, I leave you.
elaine May 2019
your hands tighten around my neck, my breathing stops.
i think for a moment, this is love.

punch, kick, slap me. i don't care anymore.

this is love to you, but
this isn't love to me.
i'm not sure anymore, my feelings go all over the place. would it be possible for you to help me find every part of myself?
Apr 2019 · 256
another hopeless call
elaine Apr 2019
i live on the idea that everyone i love
will be just like you.

you.
such an absurd thing you are.
are you still out there thinking about me?
i wonder what it would be like
if you loved me as i loved you.
could we work past the hurt
the betrayal  
the pain we caused?

do you think of me today?
i need to know.
i pass in the halls and can't help but want you to stop.
to wait for me.
to pick me up and take me far away from
where we could be each other.

i need to know if you ever loved me.
actually, love is a strong word.
deeply admire.
oh, how i admired you.
if anything,
you were the first person i “loved”.
if i stay on this trail of hate,
you will be the only one i “love”.
  
i gave you every part of me.
even though you couldn’t do the same,
i gave you new experiences.
i would like to think that i taught you how to communicate
in person at least.
we didn't have enough time to work on
talking through the phone.

do you remember when i stayed up
listening to you rant about your day?
we would just talk.
i think we annoyed my sister whose bed was next time mine.
but i never cared.
it was just me and you.
i swear i fell even harder when i heard you laugh
or even when you cried.

you never cried in front of me but i knew you did.
you were always hurting.
i could never heal your hurt,
or even distract you.
was it a problem with me?
was i just not the right one for you?

i think it was a good thing we didn't work.
but right now, i think it still stings.
very slightly, but the hurt is there.
maybe someday i will find something to distract me completely from this sting.

maybe we could meet up again.
and we could love again.
the feelings might not be as strong,
but maybe this time,
we can love a new way.
would you be okay with that?
could we finally be together in some altered universe?

the least you could do is to stop
looking
so ******* cute.
could you maybe teach me how to love like you don't care? i want to be just like you.
heartless but so caring.
cold yet so warm.
Mar 2019 · 669
Strictly Business
elaine Mar 2019
I'm only here because I have to be, you have something personal of mine. Nothing more, nothing less. Let's call it business.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't need it. I don't need you anymore. I never needed you. I don't need you to be here, I just need it back.

But you see, you have my heart still and I need it back to leave. Can I please just leave? I need it back. I need to leave. I need you out of my life, but I can't have that if you own my heart,
so, please
just give it back and I will be on my way. Please.
How long will you hold it? It's not for you anymore, please just give it back.
Jan 2019 · 741
6 words
elaine Jan 2019
"i was happy"
                                                so was i.
Jan 2019 · 708
If a Tree Falls
elaine Jan 2019
if a silenced male falls from his bedroom ceiling, rope around the neck, does he make any struggle?

if an animal passes away after being struck by a passing vehicle, is it even ******?

if a female is left in the streets, black and blue, suffering from internal bleeding, did it even happen?

if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make any sound?
Dec 2018 · 1.3k
that was us.
elaine Dec 2018
you never asked to read my poetry
maybe that was the sign.
i told you i wrote for fun,
you shrugged and moved on.
red flags went up everywhere, but i didn’t bother looking
elaine Nov 2018
I.
his laughter, something you could never stop hearing. that smile burned itself into your memory, making sure you never would forget. he was God himself, in the form of a scared teenage boy. he was the kind of love that grew out of the grass below your window sill. the kind of person to make you believe that struggle was just in your imagination, that you could be anything you wanted. he was a bird. he could fly into your life almost as quickly as he could leave. he could pick you up and show you to the highest places, but drop you from such heights suddenly. He was all to expect out of a helpless boy.
II.
he was a different kind of pain. A pain that lasted years, something that never stopped burning. a heartbreak wrapped up and stored in a pretty blue box. his affection could make you float across galaxies and make you believe that you were the one. that you could finally be the one to break his heartbreak ways. but he was a beautiful soul trapped in the ways of his father. trapped with the idea that he was bound for destruction. that nothing good could come out of an alcoholics’ son. just a broken mind, with shattered hopes.
III.
with pride and grace she could show you all there is, all there is to wonder. she carried constellations in her fingertips and sadness in her lips. dust storms were trapped in her brown eyes and with one look she could have you bowing. yet with one phrase she could have you laughing, have you in love. she was magnificent. she held beauty where others could only dream. she was one of god, one of love herself. she was beauty.
IV.
words pile up in the depths of her mind, she could speak to you with elegance. she could make you believe any lies that spilled out of her mouth. she could show you that laughter was a child's play, showing you the meaning of life. Words would charm you into staying for another round, even as you feel yourself start to fall, you cannot bear being without her.
V.
She was a hurricane of hurt with a heart of gold. attracting lovers was easy making love easy. she lived in a painful world where love came a constant but feeling was rare. fearing the outside she would stay bundled up inside, away from the world. away from love. she could make you feel thinks no one else could, a little fear and love mixed together. a combination bound for doom.
Read or don't, this is a appreciation post of all those that hurt and loved me.
elaine Oct 2018
d o you want me to leave you so soon?
r eality can be a deadly thing, do you want to leave this dreamworld?
e scaping me can be hard
a nd loving me, even harder.
m aybe we can live in harmony, me & you
i magine the possibilities.
n othing can replace what we have,
g ot that?

i hope you don't take me to
s eriously, it's all just a game, laugh along.

m y oh my,
y ou really are a freak, lighten up *****, it's just a game.

o nly a crybaby would cry over something so small.
n arcissist *****, you think you're actually doing something great?
l ies are all they tell you, don't feed into their stupid postivity.
y ou're only as good as dust.

e ven as you write your pointless poetry hiding that you're
s cared to be alone,
c rying because you have no friends
a nd living up up in your head all day like a ******* idiot.
p lease, give me a break from your madness
e veryone can see you're just as pathetic as me.
what else is there to do when reality is screaming at your door?
Oct 2018 · 1.0k
tick tock
elaine Oct 2018
times running out,
hear the old ticking clock.

tick tock. time a' running out.

you can't run little girl, for it is much greater. the old man in the clock is quick to take his victims,
'your time is done. the clock has stopped. calm down girl, it will all be over soon'

black takes over your vision, all you hear is the ticking of the old mans clock.

tick tock.

one by one they all stop, growing eerily silent.
Sep 2018 · 794
why oh why
elaine Sep 2018
why oh why.
                                    
i just want to sleep.
oh cruel world why wont you let me sleep!
i am a slave to the pain and hold debt forever to the goddess of love.

'just close your eyes and sleep will come', they say. but how do you sleep when your body is in constant fear of the unknown and demons  in the mind.
how do you sleep when creatures lurk behind you,
how do you.
please.
Sep 2018 · 10.3k
h e l p
elaine Sep 2018
my grip is slipping,
and falling scares me.
my world is fading away.
h      
          e
                     l
                             p
       m
                 e

h
          e
                    l
                          ­     p
          m
                     e

writing was an escape but even now words slip off the paper like tear drops.
why does it have to be like this?
Aug 2018 · 5.5k
summer love
elaine Aug 2018
sunkissed skin and sand littered across our bodies, we dance around with passion in the pastures of our hearts.
we let our worries get lost at sea as we hold each other close, slowly piecing  each other together.
we fall asleep under the moon as all the stars watch our love for each other burn with such a passion their once cold souls thaw.
Jul 2018 · 14.3k
Underwater Prison
elaine Jul 2018
It feels as if I’m drowning. I can’t see up out of the water, and I’m to frightened to see what this place holds below. I can hear nothing but mumbled shouts and prayers. But no one listens in a place like this.

It is not peaceful being trapped underwater. You are left with the choice of letting go, and floating all the way up into the never-ending abyss. But you stay still, holding your breath while the demons in your head decide to come out and play. You often ponder whether or not you should have just ended it before it all went downhill.

The world would still be the same disfigured mess, but the only difference would be one less drowning soul trapped in a cage. Unable to escape. Unable to dream of a place outside this  hell.

We are trapped. Afraid and damaged. All sitting still holding our breath, waiting for a sweet release into open airs. Waiting for a thing never to come.
Jul 2018 · 27.3k
Coffee mind
elaine Jul 2018
I started drinking coffee, not because I enjoyed the taste, or even the burst of energy it gave me late at night, but simply because you loved it. Always seen with that coffee stained smile.

I hated it though.
I had hated its bitter taste that no amount of sugar or cream could sweeten.
I had hated the way it scorched my mouth and throat as I slowly gulped down the warm liquid.
But I drank it. Every morning and night, tricking my mind into thinking I liked it.
You soon moved on from my try-to-hard self, and left me all alone, with a coffee stained frown.

I threw the mug on the ground, shattering it in a million pieces. I threw out that coffee *** and those silly little brown beans. I accepted the fact that I hated coffee, it was for the better though. I was much more a tea person.
Jun 2018 · 11.4k
astronaut of the mind
elaine Jun 2018
What would occur if gravity failed me and I was lifted far into the heavens,
Past the clouds and into the dark abyss of space?
I would have nothing with me but my mind to reflect the world we all know.
I wouldn’t think for long however,
I would be to busy dancing around with the planets, to remember the harsh words that were said that night.

I would be found hopping around on Saturn’s rings, giving her all the love I could.

I would be found  talking to the Sun,
telling her how we all missed her when she went away for the nights, without her we lay restless and cold waiting for her return.

I would be found comforting Pluto,
See he as well was easily forgotten.

I would meet all the stars that make up the night sky,
and say how we are all inspired by the beauty they give off,
how we all glance up at them at our greatest moment of weakness and remember we aren’t alone, whispering to them all our troubles knowing that they will always be there to listen.

And while everyone goes to sleep, I will finally join them and dream of never leaving this world that I have entered.
I will finally forget you and the lies you told, laying restless no longer.

So if you need to contact me,
I can be found  floating across galaxies, talking to the asteroids, sharing stories of how I thought it would be the end if you left, laughing about the fact that everything was actually better.

I will be among the stars, searching no more for love, because I am loved by the planets and all the stars. I no longer dread on not having the love of another, because there is far more love out there then in you.  
The Earth still spins and the Sun still shines, the only difference being I don’t love you anymore.
May 2018 · 17.8k
Mind of an alcoholic
elaine May 2018
It took 15 years,
to realize
the hopeless nights I spent drowning myself with bottle
after bottle,
Was slowly rotting my body inside and out.

It took me 15 years,
To realize that
No one should have experience
your children  watch over you as you throw up leftover *****,
Being held up by little hands as I stumble around looking for the bedroom,
or slowly watching yourself tear apart a family because you are too full with the fact that you are the victim here in this situation.

It took me 15 years,
To realize,
I can never replace the moments I spent unconscious
Barely surviving a morning
Without a shot to get threw the day.

It took me 15 years,
To realize,
The pain I caused,
The hurt I felt,
The sorrow I provided,
And the hearts of loved ones I shattered.

It took me 15 years,
To realize
That I could live without a bottle in hand.

In that time,
I lost trust in many.
I messed up the family I loved.
I lost 15 years of life
But this wasn’t a message of my nightmare,
It’s a story of me
Finally
Waking
Up.
i wrote this for a research paper on alcoholism, and i was kind of proud of it, enjoy

— The End —