I’ll never forget you
not because you’ll never forget me
but even so if we were on opposite ends of the earth
I would still find you

I’ll never forget you
because the way you looked at me melted my soul
It melted the chamber of ice around my ribs
melted the cold heart that sits inside my thorax
melted my mind and reminded me
that not every living creature is as bad as the last

I’ll never forget you
because the seeds that were neglected in my ribcage have turned
into beautiful flowers because you never forgot to water them
your eyes were blue like the ocean and they drowned me

I’ll never forget you
because you always came back when I needed someone
and I don’t always need someone
but I always need you
and I can’t do this alone
but I can’t find you
are you here?

where are you going
I hope you come back

I know you will
I hope you will

Nighttime,
she creeps up
like a popped tire
on the highway
she waits until
she’s unexpected
she strikes
minds lost
body shivering
thoughts racing
unable to regain
control

Nighttime,
she says,
“it’s quite now,
we can go.”

Nighttime,
she always
returns
with daggers
ready
to fight off
the demons
that sit heavy
in your head

I used to feel like a little kid
going to the playground on Thursdays
because Thursdays were the days
where I got to see you for four days straight
and mondays were sad because i left your nest
and i went back “home”

On Tuesdays I missed you
I didn’t get to see you,
even though every other Wednesday I did
but then not for another weekend
not until Thursday

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was eight, and I couldn’t change anything.

I was four when you sat me down
four years old and you said you didn’t love mom anymore
and mom said she didn’t love you
and you said you were going somewhere else
and I didn’t know where
you wound up living in a womans basement
and now that i’m older I know her ex husband

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was four, and I couldn’t change anything.

I hurt myself for the first time
not because of you
no i don’t want to blame you
but it also wasn’t just me
I hurt myself more
and you didn’t really think
when you told me I was doing it for attention
because then my vision was white and my head was heavy
I thought of those words
I still think of those words

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was fifteen, and I couldn’t change anything.

I heard you cry
because I was dying
the only time
I’ve ever seen you
have any emotion
it changed my life
but didn’t change you

Im twenty years old and I live with you
I’m twenty years old and I don’t see you for days
I’m twenty years old and you have no idea who I am
I’m twenty years old and you seem like you’re dead

I’m twenty years old and twenty year olds still need a Father.

The friends you party with are not really your friends. They’re just there for the ***** and the *** and the drugs and couldn’t care less about the problems you’re dealing with. Find the friends who will stay up all night listening to them no matter how pointless they are.

2. Stop conforming to societys forms of normality. Carry yourself with pride and never let anyones ***** looks get you down. You are beautiful with the way you dress, the way you walk, and the way you talk.

3. If you want to travel and you have no money, make enough to buy a plane ticket and travel. Don’t waste your money on eating out with friends, don’t waste your money on those boots from Macy’s. Save it for the trip.

4. The boy who tells you he loves you but doesn’t make you feel good enough is not someone you should spend any more time with. Just because you don’t have a good enough reason to end the relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You will never question real love when it comes around.

5. If a lie is being said about you, don’t waste your energy fighting it. Your true friends will know what is true and they will be there at the end of it all.

6. Drive. Drive to far places just to see the sights that you don’t see on your everyday drive to work. It’ll make you not hate where you live so much.

7. Go to dinner at your Moms house even though she lives 20 minutes away. She’ll always offer you food to take home and you’ll get to see your favorite animals. She will eventually become your voice of reason and the best, best friend you’ve ever had.

8. When your Dad argues with you try to not take it as personally as you used to when you were a kid. He’s just very stubborn and so are you. Things will look up, don’t lose faith just yet.

9. Always make time to go see your grandparents. They will always be the most understanding, forgiving people in your life. They will ALWAYS have your back.

10. Stop spending so much time on the computer. Books are good, books will always relax you. Read three books at once, buy cook books, books about life, and books about the universe. There is no such thing as useless facts.

11. When your closest friend is depressed, make blanket forts with them, watch happy movies with them and laugh about things that don’t make sense. Be there for them but not out of pity, out of love. One day it may save their life.

12. Be nice, no matter how much you may dislike someone, **** them with kindness because at the end of the day it may help you have a better understanding of who they are. Who knows, you may walk out with a new friend.

13. Don’t believe things when people tell you them. No matter how convincing they may be, don’t trust a word someone says that you haven’t known for more than five years. Chances are they are only telling you what you want to hear.

14. QUALITY over quantity. With everything, always.

15. Don’t feel bad about taking time for yourself. Sometimes it’s too hard to muster up someone else’s problems along with yours. Spread your wings, let go, be free and find yourself.

16. Watch the sunrise once a month because it’s different every time and you will forget your thoughts for a short period of time.

17. When your best friend of five years cries in front of you, be her shoulder, be her back bone. She has fought too many years that her back may be breaking but you are her reinforcement, never let her go.

18. Go hiking and see all the beautiful places you have only seen in photographs. Take time to breathe in the air, take mental pictures of the way the clouds look, remember what shoes you were wearing and how ***** they got. Climb to the highest peak and scream at the top of your lungs.

19. There are better places than home. But home isn’t really where you’ve come from or where you’re going, it’s where you find yourself comfortable. Where you are 100% capable of being yourself. Whether it be with your best friend, at your mothers home, at work, in nature, or by yourself. Find your home - it will always make you feel better.

20. No expectations, no disappointments. The saying goes - do as you would what others to do onto you. But, we all know this isn’t an actual concept, because my friends, chivalry is dead! BUT let me say, when you live life without expectations, you will be very surprised at what will be presented your way.

21. Let yourself loose, don’t be afraid to live. Making adult decisions may be the hardest thing you have to do. You will worry about what your family thinks, what your friends will think, and maybe what your old college professor may think. Your life is your life, DO NOT be afraid to do as you please. And if you fail at something, so what? Get up and try again. Be smart, be vivid, be wise, always be open to learn new things.

Nights like these are calm
and I think about you

and I like to read poetry

and I used to pick the neighbors dandelions

then one day I realized flowers are better untouched

and maybe so am I

but then I think about you

and that reading poetry makes me calm

and nights like these

I rest easy

Its hard feeling disconnected, feeling unable to replace the pieces that have been torn apart. Although they are not necessarily torn, or broken, they are bent. They are bent like me, like my brain, like my heart, like my soul, like the bones in my back that have never healed, like the pain in my neck when I lay still in bed.

Finding a solution to a problem isn’t always the best option, but feeling confident is.
I wonder how famous people feel when they realize the only obstacles they have ever had to accomplish were:

1. Reaching fame some how

2. What the general population thinks of their latest scandal

I wonder how my mom still think she’s the greatest person on earth when she isn’t really capable of understanding how I feel, or understanding anything in the realm that doesn’t involve her.

I wonder how my father can be single for 17 years now and never really looked at anyone else, I wonder why he is so reserved, why I’ve never met his friends, why I always question where he is or if he really loves me.

I wonder why the boy I love lays silent when we argue, but jumps to spend quality time with the neighbor downstairs, I wonder why we aren’t how we used to be, why he doesn’t notice when I’m sad anymore. I wonder where the spark in his eyes went. Maybe it was left in New Mexico.
My best friend is detached, and I’m trying trying trying to be there for her. But what do you do when someone is too absorbed in believing things about themselves that it is impossible to help them, impossible to make them feel any better about themselves. 

I spend too much money on drug-store nail polish just to pick it off my nails 4 hours later. I would be writing but there’s no pen in this apartment. The only pen I owned has disappeared. But spending my money on pens doesn’t really seem ideal.

I hate the taste of thick dense beer because it makes my chest clench up. I’m tired of people telling me I need to not be so picky, or “close-minded.”

I hate the word close-minded

I don’t like thick beer because it hurts my chest

Just the same way I don’t like boys who break hearts

But I don’t like girls who break hearts either

and I’m… Well I’m a heartbreaker

So I guess I should add my name on the list of all the people who hate me because that makes sense right? Instead of being a hypocrite, maybe

I kinda lost my train of thought

and now here I am

feeling disconnected, 

from life,

from friends, 

from me.

I am uncomfortable