watch silently
a day goes by in a couple hours
the night leaves in a few minutes
how many words do i speak in one day?
under 100, probably

i dont need much
a computer, a roof, some sushi, a pepsi
8 friends, 3 family, 1 wife
to make a good time last forever

the object of my passions
you'll be here in my arms
for a day
at a military fort

my eyes
are tubes of icy hot

piercing
and burning

A shot of whiskey and some wine

A life in beautiful decline

I try to run, I try to hide

Intoxicated all the time

I'll build a bridge to watch it burn

Pour the ashes in the urn

And turn away just to start again

who are you

and whats your name

it feels like i met you before

in crowded living rooms

and broken down basements

feels like you're with everyone, and no one at all.



my only meaningful relationship is hundreds of miles away

and its so very distant that it matters less and less every day

but i can't move on


pick up my coat

i know what i did wrong

go home

maybe i can give it another try

Paved was his road with the golden bricks,
To the glory and to the fame.
Yesterday's hero sits quiet and low.
Promises of future lies shattered like broken glass.

Lonely and crippled roaming in,
Gutters like a shadow of his past.
Reminiscing along nostalgia's lane.
Telling the children stories is his only joy.

Shyly sneaking through crowds,
Almost unnoticed passing by.
Prince of misfortunate fate is he.
Enduring poverty's yoke,
With a bitter sigh.
A Beggar Hero he is.

Once a brave captain now but a
Fallen knight of misery and pain.
Starving through days and freezing through nights.
Seeing the young soldiers walk by with a mocking smile.

the saccharine girl
silent nights
keyboard taps
echoed laughter
the gravel boy

i relish these quiet nights

where i stay up till' 5am

singing songs on repeat

doing what i want

with no one to interrupt me


although we've only talked a little,

shes sleeping and i cant wake her up

the joy of a possible future is still fresh

within my gut


tomorrow she'll message me

and i'll do the same things i usually do

my body memory will kick in

and we'll do this dance once again

but with another person

i'll still love it

as i did every time before

-

maybe one day i'll show her the things i write

but maybe this time, i'll try keeping everything to myself

the world seems to work better this way

recently i received a guitar

loaned to my sister from my uncle

and now given to me

it has seen no use for a few years

the strings are too tight

the neck is breaking from the base

-

ive looked at the guitar for awhile now

and i feel the same way

being pulled so hard in one direction

keeps my body taut

and able to do the work i need to do

to move past girl #3, #4, and now #5

but ive held my back straight for so long

that at some point i feel like my neck will pull away from my base

and my head will seperate from my heart

and neither will know what to do

three young soldiers
talking about the women they love
one Friday night, in September

"i love animals and I have-"
click
"you can impress me by taking me-"
click
"don't message me if you're just going-"
click

whats the point of building up my story
if there isn't anyone that can read it

**** me, man
am I really that different from the me I was
8 months ago?

eating all my contacts
all the people i talked to

if my car breaks down, i go out and look for some parts to fix it

if my relationship breaks down, i look for another person to replace it

i was the headlights you had been chasing for a few yearz

but within a month you had me replaced

the transmission was broke

and you blamed me

after the g6 was totaled,

you sold me out to the scrapyard

crying for a minute,

then throwing me away

you blocked all contact

refusing to hear the answer

to the questions you asked

back in december

-

so here we are

that month later

you did what i knew you would do

and i didnt act to stop it

because you never stopped to see

my oncoming traffic.

I discovered all the water has gone to your brain
Your womb is surprisingly dry.

How many more children will it take
To fill your empty soul.

There's an anchor at the bottom of your pelvis.

Like a bald-faced hornet trapped in amber.

Let it go.

a cyborg leaps 200 feet
broken out from the facility
they're faster than him
and more persistent
but he wont go back
________

a girl
and i
both here
waiting
for summer
thinking
about
each other
daily
and nightly

I want to keep my eyes on you

am I done changing
or have the changes already occurred

are you going to wait for me
or is it too difficult to stay put

do I hate being around others
or is it a flaw I can fix

when will I feel you next to me?

when will I learn to swim across the black lake,
the final nautical miles of my insecurity

are you going to be there?
or have the waves only begun to rise...

there was a boy
about 16
he found the love of his life
or so he had thought

there was a boy
about 20
she left him to die
on a sleeting february night
walking the barberton street

a year later
there was another boy
in the same body
21
who made two decisions

to love
and to serve

there was a girl
age 18
who met the boy
far away from her

she was him

they talked
they played
but he had to leave for a little bit

a little bit turned to a long bit
he saw her struggle
he kept trying
it didnt work

he kept waiting

he kept waiting

he kept waiting

he kept waiting

she appeared

he made his move

she took him back!

she made her choice
he'd made his
________
there might be more
than a mile or two
from here to there
but really
its only the distance from his camera
that keeps him in focus,
right?

_________

a strong back
bearing all the stress
of the past and a future
built for myself
brick and mortar
arms to lift
mechanical nature
something simple would be nice
complex doesnt work

this feeling doesn't go away
i feel it moving through me
i want a love I had inside
want to feel it moving through me

in dreams
i'm moving through heavy water
the love is enormous,
it's lifting me up
i'd rather be sleeping
i'd rather fall in to tidal waves
and go where the deepest currents go

i opened a mirror up
and saw a true love
i let it separate in two
the water rising up over my head

in dreams
i'm moving through heavy water
the love is enormous,
it's lifting me up
i'd rather be sleeping
i'd rather fall in to tidal waves
right where the deepest currents fall

i wake you up in the middle of the night

to express my love for you

stroke your skin and feel you

naked, i can feel all of you

at the same moment

-

i wake you up in the night

feeling this is our last time together

therefore sensing all the moments

we've been together

being here at the same time

-

every single touch we ever touch each other

every single **** we had together

is in a wondrous time lapse

with us here here at this moment

the history of touches

every single archive

compressed into a second

all with us here as I wake you up

do I really have to get up and go donate plasma for $20?

is it necessary for me to wake up at 8am when I have nothing to do?

will I become something more than a transient
laying in bed,
on a chair,
walking back from the kitchen and sitting back down again?

these people i have met,
are they the last performance?

while processing slow, doesn't my mind want something more?

will I become my attainable dream?

how many times can you start your personality over from scratch before you have to lock it in?

do these pieces you've obtained really make you?

does my nightly introspection bring me tears, or is it just another night of being tired?

-

another 4:12 goes by

my hand still stings
from the night I used it to punch through her wall
when I walked on the frostbitten sidewalk
and it broke my fall
when i got sick of hearing her talk and typed
"don't call me anymore"

those days weren't too long ago, really

i got my solace in the end that their winter's grasp dripped away from my body when your spring sun showed up
and gave way as your burning summer wildfire lit my coal'd heart

two weeks to go
pick the last meal
for the old logan

I can't stop looking and reading.
I keep saying it, that you've moved on.
That I love you and it doesn't stop.
I shake at work recalling our memories.
I cry at home remembering your tears.
I stay silent and watch. The dreams don't fade anymore. The mania doesn't leave. I'm at once elated and sunken.
Really, I am a fool.

my face burns
a flame of emotion across a clouded sky
my insides swell and heave
a ship rocks from the tidal waves
i lose my footing,
or did i jump?
Why did I do this?
I already know the answer.
-silence-

the air ripples my clothes
i fall for hours
crash.
the ocean.
i remember the feeling.
it's cold; i am solid
i cannot move
water is in my lungs
the salt stings my eyes.
there is nothing for miles
only i exist here
It isn't enough. Most life in the ocean isn't this high up.
i let out the remaining air in my lungs, and i begin to sink.

I see you.
Watching me.
we both relive our pain.
the stinging of the box jellyfish.
the pierce of an octopus beak.
it hurts.
I see our blood color the water.
The tears in our eyes, or is it the brine?
You say something.
I couldn't hear it.

I have to keep sinking.
I have to find you, see you,
Ask you.
I pull us both down.
your stinging stops, for one moment.
the jellyfish and the octopus.
is it an embrace? is it a struggle?
I hold our memories,
cradled in 8 arms.
I feel your fear.
I see my mistake.
jetting upward, I force myself up.
upward in the roiling ocean.
Why did I do this to you?
What can I do to fix it?

the octopus pulls
it pulls
it pulls it's arms off.
it can't look at itself
not with these arms
not with these eyes.
Looking back now, I really didn't see her.
I promised my heart to her, and I only gave half.
he stops moving.
floating motionless.
the jellyfish has drifted away.
he watches in silence.
she has painted new pictures.
he closes his eyes and thinks of what he's done.

the months pass
he meets the other fish in the sea.
he wastes his time.
on them.
on his hobbies.
on working.
each night he sees her in a dream, but by morning he says it's washed away.
I can't blame her.
I wasn't there.

september.
he feels himself climbing up the side of the trawler.
Maybe I can stay alone.
By myself.
Maybe I really am the devil of the ocean, and only god can redeem me.
he argues with his friends
"You still miss her, don't you?"
is what they ask.
he hesitates.
he feels the love resurging.
I am different. This time it is different.
he wakes up early and works out.
he takes on another job.
he resists the pull of the sea.

he thinks of the jellyfish and his wrongs. he wants to share his unbridled love.
I'll look.
Just one more time.
the waves, they're back
the sky is gloomy and it rains for days.
he wants to dive again.
back down to her.
he knows his mistakes and remembers hers. but it'll be different.

the ocean looks the same.

i'm falling back into hell

the winter's sky
a clear red
tightens around my frozen heart.

the fading constellations revive
sweet memories, which i should have lost

and I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
you been putting up with my **** just way too long
i'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
so I think it's time for us to have a toast

let's have a toast for the *******
let's have a toast for the *******
let's have a toast for the scumbags
every one of them that I know
let's have a toast for the ****-offs
that'll never take work off

baby, I got a plan
run away fast as you can

feeling it
cornrows blasted by tulmoultous dust storms engulfing the plains
gunshot wounds to the hand
a teenager and his dad's cockfight
building split by the demolition team

can't really put it into words

my enveloping ambitions kick the family chair away from this hanged man's goal

i'll change

and finally I will be strong

showers at 3am
carrying dead limbs up the stairs
a moment of quiet, finally
until
the lcd screen vibrates

eyes sting
but not from sadness
but from reading and posting new status
from you, from them, from all the important matters

i'm just a tall boy
infatuated with blood knights and old toys
nothing too special about me
been through a girl or two and i can see
the firm belief
that you're not going to be giving me any grief
keep things simple friend, we've got the time
to avoid the overthink and read through the fine
lines that makes each other human and well
aint nobody been through this shell
or prevail with casting the spells of love on me
so you see that i will always be true
and from what i've garnered i know you will too

i cant stop myself

once again I enter an unfamiliar room
the door locked twice and the ac started running
I laid down on a strange bed, checked the small shower
ate a lukewarm sandwich I bought hours ago
and looked for you
the memories we made in an unfamiliar room still find me
and I don't know what to do

but these are the things I do
when I think of you
I know you don't think of me
but it's the little things that I do, that remind me of you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNq9LfBgKlo

i've left the memories of our youth behind

i dont know what she hopes to find

in the shadows, she waits for me

for a dream that cannot be

my descent is the story of every man

i am hatred, darkness, and despair

my descent is the story of every man

i am hatred, darkness, and despair

I am the one who preys on weak
I offer everything they seek
And I am the one who comes, richly endowed
Harvesting fields of crops, which others have plowed

blank faced stone
staring at the lava from which it came
boiling white eyes
crusted, cooling hair
the changing mistress that he once was
her emotions motion the ocean
to break down his defined exterior
and reunite the blue sea with the red lake
for them to create, again

never was much of a romantic

i could never take the intimacy

and i know i did damage

cause the look in your eyes is killing me

i guess you are at an advantage

cause you can blame me for everything

and i don't know how i'mma manage

if one day you just up and leave

Those that forever disappear
All I want is for you to talk to me
The way you used to do

Your old hymns don't touch my face
My heart moves in a new place
I am out of practice falling into love

Remember when we used to say
"I don't know" and it was okay
I am going back to knowing nothing now

Those that forever disappear
All I want is for you to talk to me
The way you used to do

If you won't be seen again
I hope you know you were my friend
And in my head the world will never hurt you

sun behind the glass and a thorny seat
violent crimes and violet flowers
strangers you know and friends you dont
five hour talks
an old black sock
rainbow hair
risotto and grease
another day gone

i sing a love song for you

being scared of your past

and running from it,

refusing any confrontation with the thing that does you harm

makes you a coward unable to cope with your life

if i could
could reach the end
there would be so many things i dont understand
if i could
could try again
we could be more than friends
the world we know will always change

maybe this time its different
or maybe its not

i guess I'm not too bothered
either way
------

i'm always looking for new members for this circus

our first show for you tonight is the incredibly ambitious boy
he's always alone and craving attention
he who has realized his current worth and all he can be
and revels in phantasmagoria eternal
yet never steps out of his mind

next, we have a guest performer for you tonight
hailing all the way from ???
she is a gorgeous lady with a somber past and an uncertain future
never in one place too long, this disappearing act will keep you in your seat begging for more

our third act is the content boy
whom has sated his desire and no longer feels the fire burning down his house, a miracle you have to see to believe
he can spend days doing the routine he has done all his life and let the weeks pass him by and forget all he has done, not even thinking about the consequences of inactivity

the ******! the fourth act!
we have the melancholy boy!
never before have you been filled with pity quite like this!
he has realized what has happened with him, as he has done many times before!
reaching out for a branch to break his burning descent, he grabs for the girl and prays for forgiveness!

our fifth act, our final act, is weeks of silence.
our hero remembers who he is and the flaws of his character
"finally i can get some sleep"
he murmurs to himself
as he rubs his eyes,
brushes his teeth,
and eats his breakfast

quiet marching for the present

future feelings forever frozen

ending ancient auras evil

continue on to present wedding

each of us walking forward

one of us for the other

-