If you died I’d miss the funeral
I’d simply keep away from it all
I’d deny the truth
and pretend I still had you

If you died I’d wait till midnight
Then I’d go to your grave and cry
I’d lean on your headstone
and pretend I was leaning on you

If you died I’d cry very often
But no one would see my eyes wet
I’d visit your grave with a book and pen
and I’d write with no intention of an end

If you died I’d want to follow you
But we both know I never could
So instead I’d blame myself for it
as the cause of all your suffering

If you died I’d wipe my eyes
And pretend I never ever cried
Then I’d put on my big plastic grin
*and survive with the pain within

As you throw me against the wall and risk giving me a concussion
all I can think is how much I love you
As you kick me and spit in my face
all I can feel is the ache in my heart
As you slap me repeatedly and pull at my hair
I don’t need to hold back, because I know I won’t fight back

As you hold me in your arms
all I can see is the love you have for me
As you look at me with rounded loving eyes
I close my own and forget all the pain you put me through
As you brush away the hair over my eyes
all I feel is your warm fingers on my cheek

Why do I do this?
Why do I love you this much?
Why do I pretend that you never really mean to hurt me?
How do I convince myself that you do these things out of love?
How do I manage to ignore every single blow that lands on my body?
The stabs in my chest?
When will I find my voice?
When will I see that I don’t deserve this kind of pain?
When will I let go of this addiction I have to you?!

But I know.
I know why, how and when.
Because I need you. Because I can’t be without you…
…and I will never let go.