I.
switching my hands with yours in the dark wetness of night
the burn is worth it
let me tell you
cold hard marble
a solid hand to hold
until the crumble ****
you are not one to trust

II.
my grandmother told me it's good to get your heart broken/////to open it up
to bring out your truth
you need to be broken to find yourself raw
are you the grenade for my undoing and
redoing?
a tool that’s it
undo redo undo redo i know this

III.
where is my bed

IV.
last night i got dolled up
i went out
i stayed out late
i wanted to be a bad girl you know
i saw you coming out of smoke
your knuckles like marble like ones i knew
i wanted to kneel down and kiss them and beg
for you to punch me in the face
but instead i took you home
pressed your body against my body to make sure mine was still there

here we are
together in one endless room surrounded with lights
candles burning hot
blue and yellow the
pickled platter you brought
a sour attitude and a warm
heart.

xxxxxxx

i see you in curves of blue

in crooks in shadows in empty streets

you are  behind the refrigerator

you are hiding in my closet

you are creeping underneath my bed

it goes:::
i am waiting for you
at the window
i am waiting for you
at the hilt
i am waiting for you
at the threshold and my room is swimming.

1.
but i do remember the way you taste i do remember your chest closing in on mine squeezing each breath from my lungs.  i liked the way your skin tasted and there is no way to exclude that from my memory even if the rest of you is a smoke hidden blue and burning in my heart. i rolled you up in apples and honey roasted peanut butter three years ago and no matter how i spin it it still tastes bitter.

2.
you’ve undressed in front of her before but this time is different. her eyes linger and you aren’t sure if she is admiring your ****** piercings or the stretch marks on your thighs but you stay there immobile letting her devour you in the explosion of the moment. you let the feeling spread in your chest down through each mark.

3.
how many shooting stars have i missed watching you ***

zoned out
distant in the curve of a cloud
an outlying perspective
detached and hanging in a moment of flat affect
an idea blooms and bubbles in my mouth

you haven’t asked me enough questions
you haven’t asked me enough questions how will you know .

a synesthete
i swallow our memories in color
pink when you touched my tattoo for the first time
your fingers sticking to each line as if the ridges were stairs you were careful walking down
as if i was something you were ever trepidatious about.
grey for seeing you again in the car
with rap blasting louder than my thoughts
i was thankful for that
green for lying on your velvet couch
clutching myself so i didn’t fall apart
all over your apartment
careful not to leave an arm in
your bedroom
my stomach on your kitchen chair
.a rainbow.
prickly beads of sweat around my eyes
that is not what you noticed
instead oceans of what you needed
from me.
grey grey . grey . a sunny sort of rain.
a gloomy apetite.

graveyard poetry
likes him to be above her all the time
stripping away the decorative
place a pin on the nightstand
hungry ghosts with night thoughts
musings upon mortality while pushing cobwebs from the feeling
i was
a moonlit,
star-kissed
child of the night
and have been catapulted into the deep ocean

sweet rose in epoxy
ice cold frozen in a minute a moment
in time you will fall
a bitter resentment poisoning your tongue

i am here to get hurt
go at it make it real

brash
and insensitive i’m sorry all is unclear—
i wasn’t taught this way . no forks
on which side
dont sass me— i can already feel my diminishing importance if i think far enough into the future
scene:: and there, they took a huge hunk of rose quartz and held it against their heart :: exit character
head in arms all up up to the jugular

unless
it’s a seduction
my puckering lips eagerly await your
hungry brooding wet Mouth
hungry tired monster''
''come rest easy on my lap -head in **** familiar
her *** music sounds like love
mine sounds like *******
tastes like falling in love
he does mmm       he  does

growling behind squeaks in the blue wood
perhaps too late
it feels silly to create a separation in which
depending upon the hour
it goes sour or it sticks
persevere and it will be
springtime yellowpinkgreen
t(e)n((d))e(r)
o o “o” the shape
the sound air makes when it is being pushed out through gritted teeth
i am interested in the ways abstract art makes its way through my brain and picks up pieces of you and him and them and her
a water__Fall

gleaming off my tongue the tender
secret
i can’t complain
harder to digest hearts
baked into cupcakes a more
edible form
tears are made to parch us into
frenzies
yellow for that time i cried in the
heated grass alone for miles
a package came
if i take one more hit, i’ll call you
don’t worry

the remedy -
i promised healing but there
is more salt than sorry
tank filled with
specs of mica
black ice
quicker like my mouth
hanging open
scooping up the danger on my tongue

i want to be in it.

just a walk
trepidatious and slow like
molasses
mirin simmering in a pan until it evaporates
concentrate
on your arms
my fingers pushing in
designer label dizzy
a falling tenderness
blame it on the music
a word is born between lips like bubblegum
expanding at the sound
the familiar bitterness
an overwhelming
growing chew

you are still pulp in my mouth
you are still dripping down my chin
a pit hard and breaking
hot like july

this is not the time for this but
what can i do
i am sometimes powerless and
usually
not—

we play games—
scenes of debauchery—
you place upwards
and we crash against each other like waves
rumbling quick and messy
with spurts of pain and pleasure in the spaces we meet.

a word is sharp like metal
concepts are dulled and i can easily
but not without scars
run away from this.

i’ll explain away your stars
your scars
why we fought
why we stopped fighting
trace my finger to your date and attempt to give voice to unspoken expectations—
bartering my trust for your love.

give me the width of your shoulders
your hips
your knees
your feet
so that i can figure out a way to place myself with you without falling through the cracks.

solitude like a laundromat
i tremble my heart
knocking around
dry like a washing machine
you say slow

mighty in the ocean
creating tides i asked you to
calm for me
let me swim in you

you swell around me
spit i joke lapping
at my feet i wade in
run out
like a natural disaster at your wake

you love me ***** like a hurricane

everything in it’s place
the lawn mown
the grass left greener and fresh to grow again
as the sun rises and falls
the world spins in the hands of a toddler with a top
big eyed hopeful
luminous
round cheeks and belly
warm and humane
love is lost love is found
love is lost again
a whirlwind motorcyclist

yes, i will find myself one of those.
he will ask me to latch on to his leather-sleeved toughened arms
soft and hard
gripping rough and black
my motorcyclist
worn and weathered
take me into your heart and
into the stars
straight for the moon
sweet soft girl
tender hearted studded
bejeweled princess
rest your weary heart on my shoulder
no safety but my love in this moment
grab me

you kiss like a tragic miracle
you are the first.

i want to feel what you name this part
how wet
the same
and
yes i want to drool down your chest
biting big arms like bubblegum
my sweet body.

smeared cake,
sweet pacific.

ode to an Ice Queen

yes you are powerful and they all know it.

now please put down your knife and shut your eyes

i promise it will all feel lighter in the morning.

i know who you are. i can see right through you.

i
love at the center
bursting and melting
like chocolate cordials
with irish cream filling
one bite bursting
not out but in
my mouth open and
ready
awaiting
sweetness and cream
sweeties
surrounding lovers
look on
with warm honey eyes
waiting and warm

the rumbling of your vagabond heart gives me hope.
your fingerprints a seasoned dew striped with the pink and buggy dawn.
before the sun rises
before the world is lit with warmth and fear
here in this wet foggy moment
you emerge from leaves
soft and sticky
nourishing
offering yourself up to me//a feast in all its glory

you come to me unravelling from hiding spaces in moist wood
composting yourself as nature does
your head hanging low like vines
fluid as the streams running through me.

i: always convinced of my place as low hanging fruit,
see your streams and carry buckets for your leaks.
i am a fixer-upper.

love you for all that you are
5 rooms
2 bodies blooming in space
cupcake filth on your kitchen counter
on my ***** bone

i walked my way across and away from you
and you charted each of my paths
love mark seeker i feel your honey gaze watching me
and in my eyes are pools of your deodorant and your cologne

remember when you thought we could run away from each other?
remember when i thought the same?

i ran into your arms for comfort from the cold
spruce trees surrounding us
unsurrounded
i dove into your arms
you are my only memory
a breeze that rides slow and heavy
i whispered
i love you like skin under heavy sheets
i love you like getting soaked in the rain
we got so wet
crashes of lighting laughter i can’t tell the difference because my world still shakes either way

when you call me at 3 in the morning
your tears dribble onto my pillow
is it cold over there?
yes
the sun here is burning my skin
i feel so far
but my pillow is still wet

remember when
i rolled glitter onto your thighs and we woke up in a galaxy
i wonder how much i swallowed that night

i remember distinctly how we fell in love
it was my eyes closed and climbing to the stars
you pulled me when i tripped i picked you up and twirled you
i picked you
i pick you

we are incoherent
i still don’t understand
but my blue lips drowned in your pillow calls
finally touched your red
fast ones
hot in the summer just that little moment that tiny moment my HEART my HEART my HEART BOOM BOOM BOOM in my ears MY HEART BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM
i put your hand to my chest your smile mimicked my heart
so we sat there for three hours timing ourselves with one another
i whispered i love you
you put me in your mouth

you feel like something so particular
the way your eyelids close humbly around my voice
your eyelashes softly piling around us like an altar
lovely: you are dangerously lovely in the most familiar way (yet
i know so little about you.)
i wonder what you feel like heavy from the sweat of the morning summer.
i imagine each of your ***** fingernails tracing a sadness i once knew.
draw me a picture of how loudly you laugh when you're the loneliest and
i will hum you a melody of how boldly the hairs on my skin stand when your cheek touches mine.
if you wrote me a letter, i would stretch it into a blanket so I could dream in your words.
if this is what infatuation feels like, i hope we never fall in love.

i like the taste of insect repellent on your skin.
i like the physical proof of your bitter, your sour, your sad.
sweat beads tremble at the tips of the hairs on your legs
i want to feel you like dew drops
and i am a flower.
gently with you at the break of dawn i wake with little droplets falling down my lips.

i want you, something sticky-
running down down my body
abundant and warm.
how i’ve loved breathing you in.

i am sick of you
greedy you take take take
i am never alone you take (from) me
greedy ******//soul sucker
i do not love you anymore
i do not love you anymore
but you walk around everywhere
i saw you dancing the other night
you pushed me into the bathroom
ripped off my tights
pulled up my skirt as if I Was Yours
******. i was yours for 15 minutes
you will never be mine
i saw you outside for a cigarette
sucker
watched you watched me walk away
i am never alone

got down on your knees i thought you came to pray
got down ripped my tights further worshipped my **** like your
savior
i was never Your Savior
i have been tossed around into unappreciative hands
unworthy palms
you are no different
he is no different
she is no different
they are no different

sometimes i get confused if i’m using you or if you’re using me

a sounding board. slow ‘i love yous’ // creamy peach slow ripe i used to run far ahead pulling you
now i’m trying to run away
your sweet tongue haunting me still

i am tired of you GREEDY ****** and the memories of the slow *** we had

it starts with a love potion/a rose tincture.
she says slowly feel it trickle down your throat. melting your heart. [blocks][of][ice]
i am locked in this-
thank you for being my angel of the night.
a resounding hum echoes into your guitar. bounces its way back to us.
we discuss new ways of playing instruments.
we smear raspberries on our bruises to sweeten the pain. to soften its bitter blows.
you carve teeth marks into my shoulder as a distraction.
i cry **** into your pillow instead of crying.
(this dull grief)
you talk about your dead cat. i make sure not to mention how i feel like
dead w e i g h t.
mountain moons painting themselves into storylines across my forehead
you read **** instead of *******.

you held me like catastrophe. afraid to let your arms fall away from my chest.
i held you like i knew what i was doing.

i will sing you the saddest song you’ve ever heard and you can smile softly through tears, reveling in your love for a sad girl.
i am a tragedy. a melodrama.
but we are acoustic devendra banhart songs at dusk. the sweet orange wind softly brushing against your windows//against our cheeks.

borrowed lipstick kisses flower at the roots of your legs. i bloom between the spaces of your sighs and whisper to each curve of your mouth.
i can write a love letter to each breath you take.

i know you want me vigorous. i know you love me insatiable. and i want you like i know what i’m doing. i want you like i’m much older and wiser. i want you like i’m not a quick kid.

your drinks are always too bitter. you say you fell in love with me for my smoke and flowers.

you. sweet moonbeam,
tender in my roses.
shaping yourself like a cat to my supple.
your soft coloring yourself with my petals.
we are—
i’ve been meaning to tell you but the map sent me in the wrong direction i was left wandering i have never been good at finding my own fate.
how’ve you—
useless i already know.

lover,
lay me out on your apothecary table.
take each of my organs you know which ones are important.
bottle them up and gently nudge at me daily
soak in the essence of who i have been.
oral treatments.
15 droplets per day. take as needed.

i need you.
lover, i need you. long lost i was created from you and i will lay rested in your arms. take me as needed. i have taken you as needed. in i go traveling from your esophagus straight to your heart. dancing around the beating ***** i have found places over years to grow. i sewed so many seeds some have flourished some have not. in i go.

if love is a ship i have been shipwrecked i have long drowned. if you are the captain i will be your moon far off and guiding. pulling you towards me teasing you away. lover, i need you. take me as needed. i love you groggy lost dark swollen soft and hard. tinctures of my eyeballs in your heart.

you comfort me in my morning coffee
i feel you in this cold sip,
i take you in,
breathe in your aroma. your fragrant beans ground up just right for my consumption.
ground for my consumption.

i pretend we are unhealthy. i am selfish.
i pretend you were put on this planet just for me. just for me,
i breathe you in.
you are ground up just for me.
i feel you in ice crunched between my teeth.

i inhale sweetly. softly,
you are burning in the embers of what is slowly killing me.
but we are gentler than that.
you move slowly.
ask each passageway to my lungs for permission to take over.
you are a swift, smooth battle.
i am a blood-soaked battlefield.

when you go off to war i feel you humbly.
when you come back,
i welcome you to my long lost territories.
you gratefully plunge into them dropping deadly swords at our feet.
your tired eyes searching tenderly for mine.

it is only i who chronicles these hardships when the war has been long over.
carrying with me the scars, i can not help but rummage through memories of cold, icy storms.
you carried into this vessel your rubble. your cracks, your hollow, your own wars and hurricanes.
and i took on these disasters as if they were my own. birthed from my very limbs.
we are un-’s and we are re-’s. we exist within uncertainties and miscommunications.
we have and we are and we will.

if I take a bath it is because I need the sweat of you washed off my skin.
if this bath is concentrated with Epsom salts it is because they will physically pull you out of my system
- a detoxification of the memories of the way your head felt between my thighs/your hands creating fingerprint bruises on either side of them.
if I see you and run away it is because you draw out my blood and devastate my heart. there is no poetic way of saying this.
if I can not look you in the eye it is because being so close physically pains me. nostalgia beating down my chest and I have no choice but to selfishly grip onto any available flesh. I always regret it.
if I can not meet with you it is because you are the longest pain my body has suffered and for once my brain is working harder than my heart.

I can sit here. solid and still. soft as volcanoes. magma erupting from within but still as a lion waiting for a moment to strike. the patient immobility. statuesque. I let each word wash over me like an escalating thunderstorm. tender and brutal. each syllable a little more treacherous than the last until there are none left to speak— only the welcoming relief of silence. natural disasters come to mind. the heavy softness of the situation. the doughy snow outside. soft soft. the whoosh of cars operating within their own timelines. back to their lovers. faster. away from their lovers.
goosebumps like tiny mountains. the hardest paths to climb. entrapped by hook eyes. heavy eyes. I dare not lean over in fear of the glue slowly seeping from my cheek landing on your thighs. my lovers playfully name me lap princess. lip nymph. an inexplicable well of thunder. the holiness of steady rumbles. never-ending needy storm clavicles unfurling themselves. unruly at these raw routines. my bones are sewn together with electric wire and your words— wet knives cutting and destroying me.

addictive hurricanes:

blow through my being

pull out every feeling in every crevice of my heart

don’t let me get away with it.

my protective iciness/i started off so strong.
glass being pushed and pulled by the salty ocean-- you lap me up and i let you. you ruin me. until i am nothing but grains in your palms. falling into and out of all your grips.

it is a dangerous thing to be anything at all around you.

how many of his actions are calculated blows to my chest
how aware is he of his ability to destroy

how aware is he of his own destruction

ruins-----------
i am an abandoned village
the hairs on my arms standing up at the thought of discovery— tiny vacant towns
a fragmented ancient corpse found in the ruins of suburbia
i am a sight for sore eyes
i am a sight for the blind

and our tiny vagrant hearts
and our tiny vagrant hearts
wanderers walking into the moonlight

the last time seen
and the repercussions of actions untold
shirts reworn
for the scent they hold
when you held me
both arms dangling at my sides
completely trusting
distanced from it
the way he held me
the last time seen
last time touched

carvings in my bones slowly worn down from slow touches in particular spaces
i am not yet ready to revisit those abandoned artifacts

slowly slowly he touched

he saw me with bows in my hair
seafoam eyes and languid lies
indulgent
tell me again that i get everything i want