it hits me at night
deep in it i find the loss wrapped in a silk scarf and a sly smile
lover, you are what is missing tonight
in the middle of the lake
switching my hands with yours in the dark wetness of night
the burn is worth it
let me tell you
cold hard marble
a solid hand to hold
until the crumble ****
you are not one to trust
my grandmother told me it's good to get your heart broken/////to open it up
to bring out your truth
you need to be broken to find yourself raw
are you the grenade for my undoing and
a tool that’s it
undo redo undo redo i know this
where is my bed
last night i got dolled up
i went out
i stayed out late
i wanted to be a bad girl you know
i saw you coming out of smoke
your knuckles like marble like ones i knew
i wanted to kneel down and kiss them and beg
for you to punch me in the face
but instead i took you home
pressed your body against my body to make sure mine was still there
here we are
together in one endless room surrounded with lights
candles burning hot
blue and yellow the
pickled platter you brought
a sour attitude and a warm
grab my hair like stubborn grass
slow slow and secret
you are an invitation too easy and the sheets around me are red with you
red pillows red sheets red room red affect
red red red thighs
bee and flower
moth and light
i see you in curves of blue
in crooks in shadows in empty streets
you are behind the refrigerator
you are hiding in my closet
you are creeping underneath my bed
i am waiting for you
at the window
i am waiting for you
at the hilt
i am waiting for you
at the threshold and my room is swimming.
but i do remember the way you taste i do remember your chest closing in on mine squeezing each breath from my lungs. i liked the way your skin tasted and there is no way to exclude that from my memory even if the rest of you is a smoke hidden blue and burning in my heart. i rolled you up in apples and honey roasted peanut butter three years ago and no matter how i spin it it still tastes bitter.
you’ve undressed in front of her before but this time is different. her eyes linger and you aren’t sure if she is admiring your ****** piercings or the stretch marks on your thighs but you stay there immobile letting her devour you in the explosion of the moment. you let the feeling spread in your chest down through each mark.
how many shooting stars have i missed watching you ***
distant in the curve of a cloud
an outlying perspective
detached and hanging in a moment of flat affect
an idea blooms and bubbles in my mouth
you haven’t asked me enough questions
you haven’t asked me enough questions how will you know .
i swallow our memories in color
pink when you touched my tattoo for the first time
your fingers sticking to each line as if the ridges were stairs you were careful walking down
as if i was something you were ever trepidatious about.
grey for seeing you again in the car
with rap blasting louder than my thoughts
i was thankful for that
green for lying on your velvet couch
clutching myself so i didn’t fall apart
all over your apartment
careful not to leave an arm in
my stomach on your kitchen chair
prickly beads of sweat around my eyes
that is not what you noticed
instead oceans of what you needed
grey grey . grey . a sunny sort of rain.
a gloomy apetite.
i keep finding poems written so long ago / might as well post them .
likes him to be above her all the time
stripping away the decorative
place a pin on the nightstand
hungry ghosts with night thoughts
musings upon mortality while pushing cobwebs from the feeling
child of the night
and have been catapulted into the deep ocean
sweet rose in epoxy
ice cold frozen in a minute a moment
in time you will fall
a bitter resentment poisoning your tongue
i am here to get hurt
go at it make it real
and insensitive i’m sorry all is unclear—
i wasn’t taught this way . no forks
on which side
dont sass me— i can already feel my diminishing importance if i think far enough into the future
scene:: and there, they took a huge hunk of rose quartz and held it against their heart :: exit character
head in arms all up up to the jugular
it’s a seduction
my puckering lips eagerly await your
hungry brooding wet Mouth
hungry tired monster''
''come rest easy on my lap -head in **** familiar
her *** music sounds like love
mine sounds like *******
tastes like falling in love
he does mmm he does
growling behind squeaks in the blue wood
perhaps too late
it feels silly to create a separation in which
depending upon the hour
it goes sour or it sticks
persevere and it will be
o o “o” the shape
the sound air makes when it is being pushed out through gritted teeth
i am interested in the ways abstract art makes its way through my brain and picks up pieces of you and him and them and her
gleaming off my tongue the tender
i can’t complain
harder to digest hearts
baked into cupcakes a more
tears are made to parch us into
yellow for that time i cried in the
heated grass alone for miles
a package came
if i take one more hit, i’ll call you
the remedy -
i promised healing but there
is more salt than sorry
tank filled with
specs of mica
quicker like my mouth
scooping up the danger on my tongue
i want to be in it.
just a walk
trepidatious and slow like
mirin simmering in a pan until it evaporates
on your arms
my fingers pushing in
designer label dizzy
a falling tenderness
blame it on the music
a word is born between lips like bubblegum
expanding at the sound
the familiar bitterness
fancy myself out of ice i admit: ::::i am scared::::
faking tears into my wine glass
savoring the desire
the vastness of the old
quickness of new
lapping at me like ,,,waves,,,,,,,,,,
i remember a moment and i am too late
if you give me this one i will
give you another one
i appreciate you for playing nice
swift into my lungs he
my name like
i had any option
this sandy beach
keys going into
incorrect locks i am
correct in locking
you are still pulp in my mouth
you are still dripping down my chin
a pit hard and breaking
hot like july
i smear constellations across my chest
for those heavy days
the rain falling into a sour smell.
a boy once connected the moon to the tides for me
i fell in love for the first time
a night where i have gone to sleep with full makeup on
knowing full well you will call to pick me up
this is not the time for this but
what can i do
i am sometimes powerless and
we play games—
scenes of debauchery—
you place upwards
and we crash against each other like waves
rumbling quick and messy
with spurts of pain and pleasure in the spaces we meet.
a word is sharp like metal
concepts are dulled and i can easily
but not without scars
run away from this.
i’ll explain away your stars
why we fought
why we stopped fighting
trace my finger to your date and attempt to give voice to unspoken expectations—
bartering my trust for your love.
give me the width of your shoulders
so that i can figure out a way to place myself with you without falling through the cracks.
solitude like a laundromat
i tremble my heart
dry like a washing machine
you say slow
mighty in the ocean
creating tides i asked you to
calm for me
let me swim in you
you swell around me
spit i joke lapping
at my feet i wade in
like a natural disaster at your wake
you love me ***** like a hurricane
in the middle of the bar
i found a hole inside my heart
you are a haunted house
windows inviting and dark
mysterious as you liken yourself to be
a bubbling toil and trouble
a mistaken spell
volcanic and eruptive
i wake up sweaty from your ghosts
everything in it’s place
the lawn mown
the grass left greener and fresh to grow again
as the sun rises and falls
the world spins in the hands of a toddler with a top
big eyed hopeful
round cheeks and belly
warm and humane
love is lost love is found
love is lost again
a whirlwind motorcyclist
yes, i will find myself one of those.
he will ask me to latch on to his leather-sleeved toughened arms
soft and hard
gripping rough and black
worn and weathered
take me into your heart and
into the stars
straight for the moon
sweet soft girl
tender hearted studded
rest your weary heart on my shoulder
no safety but my love in this moment
you kiss like a tragic miracle
you are the first.
i want to feel what you name this part
yes i want to drool down your chest
biting big arms like bubblegum
my sweet body.
the remedy -
a soft tank filled with
specs of mica
i promised healing but there
is more salt than sorry
3 years for nothing is what i
have tried to tell myself.
he opened the car door
drove down black ice
quicker like my mouth was
scooping up the danger
on my tongue
i am always looking back
i want to be in it.
ode to an Ice Queen
yes you are powerful and they all know it.
now please put down your knife and shut your eyes
i promise it will all feel lighter in the morning.
i know who you are. i can see right through you.
love at the center
bursting and melting
like chocolate cordials
with irish cream filling
one bite bursting
not out but in
my mouth open and
sweetness and cream
with warm honey eyes
waiting and warm
if love was the center of everything
the rumbling of your vagabond heart gives me hope.
your fingerprints a seasoned dew striped with the pink and buggy dawn.
before the sun rises
before the world is lit with warmth and fear
here in this wet foggy moment
you emerge from leaves
soft and sticky
offering yourself up to me//a feast in all its glory
you come to me unravelling from hiding spaces in moist wood
composting yourself as nature does
your head hanging low like vines
fluid as the streams running through me.
i: always convinced of my place as low hanging fruit,
see your streams and carry buckets for your leaks.
i am a fixer-upper.
love you for all that you are
2 bodies blooming in space
cupcake filth on your kitchen counter
on my ***** bone
i walked my way across and away from you
and you charted each of my paths
love mark seeker i feel your honey gaze watching me
and in my eyes are pools of your deodorant and your cologne
remember when you thought we could run away from each other?
remember when i thought the same?
i ran into your arms for comfort from the cold
spruce trees surrounding us
i dove into your arms
you are my only memory
a breeze that rides slow and heavy
i love you like skin under heavy sheets
i love you like getting soaked in the rain
we got so wet
crashes of lighting laughter i can’t tell the difference because my world still shakes either way
when you call me at 3 in the morning
your tears dribble onto my pillow
is it cold over there?
the sun here is burning my skin
i feel so far
but my pillow is still wet
i rolled glitter onto your thighs and we woke up in a galaxy
i wonder how much i swallowed that night
i remember distinctly how we fell in love
it was my eyes closed and climbing to the stars
you pulled me when i tripped i picked you up and twirled you
i picked you
i pick you
we are incoherent
i still don’t understand
but my blue lips drowned in your pillow calls
finally touched your red
hot in the summer just that little moment that tiny moment my HEART my HEART my HEART BOOM BOOM BOOM in my ears MY HEART BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM
i put your hand to my chest your smile mimicked my heart
so we sat there for three hours timing ourselves with one another
i whispered i love you
you put me in your mouth
you feel like something so particular
the way your eyelids close humbly around my voice
your eyelashes softly piling around us like an altar
lovely: you are dangerously lovely in the most familiar way (yet
i know so little about you.)
i wonder what you feel like heavy from the sweat of the morning summer.
i imagine each of your ***** fingernails tracing a sadness i once knew.
draw me a picture of how loudly you laugh when you're the loneliest and
i will hum you a melody of how boldly the hairs on my skin stand when your cheek touches mine.
if you wrote me a letter, i would stretch it into a blanket so I could dream in your words.
if this is what infatuation feels like, i hope we never fall in love.
sometimes i sit down to write and the only words that come out are about you. how frustrating to have someone keep you up at night.
i like the taste of insect repellent on your skin.
i like the physical proof of your bitter, your sour, your sad.
sweat beads tremble at the tips of the hairs on your legs
i want to feel you like dew drops
and i am a flower.
gently with you at the break of dawn i wake with little droplets falling down my lips.
i want you, something sticky-
running down down my body
abundant and warm.
how i’ve loved breathing you in.
i am sick of you
greedy you take take take
i am never alone you take (from) me
greedy ******//soul sucker
i do not love you anymore
i do not love you anymore
but you walk around everywhere
i saw you dancing the other night
you pushed me into the bathroom
ripped off my tights
pulled up my skirt as if I Was Yours
******. i was yours for 15 minutes
you will never be mine
i saw you outside for a cigarette
watched you watched me walk away
i am never alone
got down on your knees i thought you came to pray
got down ripped my tights further worshipped my **** like your
i was never Your Savior
i have been tossed around into unappreciative hands
you are no different
he is no different
she is no different
they are no different
sometimes i get confused if i’m using you or if you’re using me
a sounding board. slow ‘i love yous’ // creamy peach slow ripe i used to run far ahead pulling you
now i’m trying to run away
your sweet tongue haunting me still
i am tired of you GREEDY ****** and the memories of the slow *** we had
it starts with a love potion/a rose tincture.
she says slowly feel it trickle down your throat. melting your heart. [blocks][of][ice]
i am locked in this-
thank you for being my angel of the night.
a resounding hum echoes into your guitar. bounces its way back to us.
we discuss new ways of playing instruments.
we smear raspberries on our bruises to sweeten the pain. to soften its bitter blows.
you carve teeth marks into my shoulder as a distraction.
i cry **** into your pillow instead of crying.
(this dull grief)
you talk about your dead cat. i make sure not to mention how i feel like
dead w e i g h t.
mountain moons painting themselves into storylines across my forehead
you read **** instead of *******.
you held me like catastrophe. afraid to let your arms fall away from my chest.
i held you like i knew what i was doing.
i will sing you the saddest song you’ve ever heard and you can smile softly through tears, reveling in your love for a sad girl.
i am a tragedy. a melodrama.
but we are acoustic devendra banhart songs at dusk. the sweet orange wind softly brushing against your windows//against our cheeks.
borrowed lipstick kisses flower at the roots of your legs. i bloom between the spaces of your sighs and whisper to each curve of your mouth.
i can write a love letter to each breath you take.
i know you want me vigorous. i know you love me insatiable. and i want you like i know what i’m doing. i want you like i’m much older and wiser. i want you like i’m not a quick kid.
your drinks are always too bitter. you say you fell in love with me for my smoke and flowers.
you. sweet moonbeam,
tender in my roses.
shaping yourself like a cat to my supple.
your soft coloring yourself with my petals.
i’ve been meaning to tell you but the map sent me in the wrong direction i was left wandering i have never been good at finding my own fate.
useless i already know.
lay me out on your apothecary table.
take each of my organs you know which ones are important.
bottle them up and gently nudge at me daily
soak in the essence of who i have been.
15 droplets per day. take as needed.
i need you.
lover, i need you. long lost i was created from you and i will lay rested in your arms. take me as needed. i have taken you as needed. in i go traveling from your esophagus straight to your heart. dancing around the beating ***** i have found places over years to grow. i sewed so many seeds some have flourished some have not. in i go.
if love is a ship i have been shipwrecked i have long drowned. if you are the captain i will be your moon far off and guiding. pulling you towards me teasing you away. lover, i need you. take me as needed. i love you groggy lost dark swollen soft and hard. tinctures of my eyeballs in your heart.
this is the breakdown of the scrapes on my knees:
a mosquito sang a soft song and laid to sweetly **** on my blood.
i thought they would know i was on their side.
they still ******.
you were shocked.
i was used to it in fact i didn’t even notice while it was happening.
we climbed on slippery rocks and pebbles in the running water.
cold and you tenderly looked at me for answers.
i thought of him and wanted to cry darkly but i couldn’t.
you didn’t understand who i was thinking about neither did he.
i was sitting on a rock the only stable one and thinking about how easily i could let go relax my hands and float off.
i stayed gripping fantasizing.
by the time we reached the shore our knees were red and swollen you wanted to kiss my knees i let you.
i thought you were going to **** the poison from the bites but you just softly kissed and laid down long and white on the cold sand. cold hands cold chest i touched it you smiled deeply.
we drove away from our secret spot and the rain started pouring i had to get out of the car i screamed for you to stop.
you pulled over.
i ran out into the rain it was dumping water everywhere everything was wet i fell to my knees my knees got muddy.
i cried no makeup streamed down my face the river had washed it all away already it was just translucent glass tears cold and tired pouring.
they had been waiting to fall they found a small space next to a graveyard next to DONAGHUE marble tombstones and a jesus statue getting head.
we came home and my knees were ****** bruised and bitten.
lipstick gripped in my pocket like a razor blade
i wear heavy layers to keep you away
so that even if we kiss you will not smudge away enough to feel me bare.
from the grand archive of sadness of winter
barricaded bones and your
my belly weeps for your song.
and from the tips of this mighty dew-dripped tree
and from the depths of this reminiscent lake
emerge patterns of varying shapes and sounds
with one universal undertone of
the way the breath pushes its way out of your lungs
through your gritted teeth
when i make you ***.
you comfort me in my morning coffee
i feel you in this cold sip,
i take you in,
breathe in your aroma. your fragrant beans ground up just right for my consumption.
ground for my consumption.
i pretend we are unhealthy. i am selfish.
i pretend you were put on this planet just for me. just for me,
i breathe you in.
you are ground up just for me.
i feel you in ice crunched between my teeth.
i inhale sweetly. softly,
you are burning in the embers of what is slowly killing me.
but we are gentler than that.
you move slowly.
ask each passageway to my lungs for permission to take over.
you are a swift, smooth battle.
i am a blood-soaked battlefield.
when you go off to war i feel you humbly.
when you come back,
i welcome you to my long lost territories.
you gratefully plunge into them dropping deadly swords at our feet.
your tired eyes searching tenderly for mine.
it is only i who chronicles these hardships when the war has been long over.
carrying with me the scars, i can not help but rummage through memories of cold, icy storms.
you carried into this vessel your rubble. your cracks, your hollow, your own wars and hurricanes.
and i took on these disasters as if they were my own. birthed from my very limbs.
we are un-’s and we are re-’s. we exist within uncertainties and miscommunications.
we have and we are and we will.
little lamb doing wolf damage
you watch me like prey
mouth open. drooling.
eyes filled to the brim with hunger.
i am filled to the brim and you can see it.
i’m blushing. bleeding.
you peel me like a plum.
plump and juicy in your palm. ripened you roll me
between your thumb and your forefinger.
squeeze out every last drop of sweetness.
still drooling over me. i am drooling over you.
i want to be eaten alive. anticipating it. dripping.
i am a forest and snails make their sticky paths down my thighs.
i am a forest and leaves bloom and swish as my fingernails grow.
i am a forest and branches grow in every place you touch. i am so big so tall so wise.
i grow and grow with each caress. birds fly out of my hair and sing love songs. my feet heady soil i am grounded. finally grounded.
i am a forest and you’re a seasoned explorer.
i am a forest and you’re the tiger stalking within my lushness for something to devour.
i am tropical. i am palm trees and rare fruit. i am sap in your palms sticky and staying.
i am sitting open. staying open. i feel you crouch behind my reeds. you dig your claws deeper into wet soil.
you watch me like prey.
i watch myself dribble down your chin.
i am tropical. plum sweetness juice juice sticky sweet staying on fingertips staining your mouth.
i am coconuts cracked open on rocks ready ready to be consumed.
i am licked clean from ***** fingertips.
if I take a bath it is because I need the sweat of you washed off my skin.
if this bath is concentrated with Epsom salts it is because they will physically pull you out of my system
- a detoxification of the memories of the way your head felt between my thighs/your hands creating fingerprint bruises on either side of them.
if I see you and run away it is because you draw out my blood and devastate my heart. there is no poetic way of saying this.
if I can not look you in the eye it is because being so close physically pains me. nostalgia beating down my chest and I have no choice but to selfishly grip onto any available flesh. I always regret it.
if I can not meet with you it is because you are the longest pain my body has suffered and for once my brain is working harder than my heart.
I can sit here. solid and still. soft as volcanoes. magma erupting from within but still as a lion waiting for a moment to strike. the patient immobility. statuesque. I let each word wash over me like an escalating thunderstorm. tender and brutal. each syllable a little more treacherous than the last until there are none left to speak— only the welcoming relief of silence. natural disasters come to mind. the heavy softness of the situation. the doughy snow outside. soft soft. the whoosh of cars operating within their own timelines. back to their lovers. faster. away from their lovers.
goosebumps like tiny mountains. the hardest paths to climb. entrapped by hook eyes. heavy eyes. I dare not lean over in fear of the glue slowly seeping from my cheek landing on your thighs. my lovers playfully name me lap princess. lip nymph. an inexplicable well of thunder. the holiness of steady rumbles. never-ending needy storm clavicles unfurling themselves. unruly at these raw routines. my bones are sewn together with electric wire and your words— wet knives cutting and destroying me.
blow through my being
pull out every feeling in every crevice of my heart
don’t let me get away with it.
my protective iciness/i started off so strong.
glass being pushed and pulled by the salty ocean-- you lap me up and i let you. you ruin me. until i am nothing but grains in your palms. falling into and out of all your grips.
it is a dangerous thing to be anything at all around you.
******* cancer babes i could rant ~FOREVER~
how many of his actions are calculated blows to my chest
how aware is he of his ability to destroy
how aware is he of his own destruction
i am an abandoned village
the hairs on my arms standing up at the thought of discovery— tiny vacant towns
a fragmented ancient corpse found in the ruins of suburbia
i am a sight for sore eyes
i am a sight for the blind
and our tiny vagrant hearts
and our tiny vagrant hearts
wanderers walking into the moonlight
the last time seen
and the repercussions of actions untold
for the scent they hold
when you held me
both arms dangling at my sides
distanced from it
the way he held me
the last time seen
last time touched
carvings in my bones slowly worn down from slow touches in particular spaces
i am not yet ready to revisit those abandoned artifacts
slowly slowly he touched
he saw me with bows in my hair
seafoam eyes and languid lies
tell me again that i get everything i want
too many souls left inside my brainspace