What Relapse feels like
Relapse- a proper noun that steals your attention and commands your obedience

Every person that was a part of your recovery had been lying
The recollection that it did not **** you but it did not make you stronger
Reliving the moment it stopped your living and when it prevented your dying
The feeling that you will not survive much longer
That is how relapse feels

The first taste of fruit after a long and barren winter
A moment of peace in a life measured in seconds
The perfectly straight lines of a newly aligned printer
A demand for piled servings and SECONDS!
That is how relapse feels

The need of a familiar place; of a familiar face
Desire for someone to hold you tight
The need to go far away; to go to outer space
Desire to leave this world for the light
That is how relapse feels

It's a ripping motion
Between wanting it to end and wanting its intensification
Between having to much and too little emotion
And the worlds between the brain speak languages with no translation
That is how relapse feels

It feels so good just to be so bad
The beauty in the human body's ability to mend and to break
It feels so bad just to be so sad
And the repulsive face of being awake
That is how relapse feels

It's a tearing
It's a tugging
It's a pulling
It's a shoving

Relapse is looking at the sky and thanking God for the ability to be alive
ten minutes before a battle in the head
asking if it's worth it to survive
ten minutes before tears stain so silently alone in bed

It's a promise broken
It's every moment spent clean wasted
It's the truth unspoken
It's the loss of happiness that had barely been tasted

That.
That is how relapse feels.

I know that I hurt you
I’m sorry for what i did
I never meant to lie to you
about all the things that I hid
I never meant to run away
whenever we got into a fight
I always came back because I loved you
and I wanted to make things right
I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you forever
I meant it when I promised to stand by your side through whatever
whenever we were apart
all I did was think of you
I thought of all the good times
as well as the bad times too
My heart belongs to you
you had me from the start
if I ever had to live without you
I think I’d fall apart
I’m really sorry I hurt you
I know I can’t take back what I did
I’ll do all I can to make up for it
and all the secrets that I hid

We need no one's approval.
We are poets, not pleaders.

Hey there
I know you've not been well
There are things you're not wiling to share
But I'm aware of it all oh so well

I know all your fears
And I know who you hold dear
I know how you hide tears
Behind those little cheers

I know how you break down
Over songs you sung
Because you tend to over think
About what the future will bring

You hide under your blanket
And use it like a huge handkerchief
Crying without taking a sniff
Crying without moving an inch

You indulge in self-pity and self-blame
Put yourself to shame
Whenever you make petty mistakes
Because of being true to your feelings

You always think you're not good enough
To yourself, you've always been tough
You have disappointed them
That's what's in your system

You once believed you can be selfless
But you've been pounded hard by the unrequited
So you became selfish
But still hurting instead

You write poems to express these
Still, you hide them behind figure of speeches
Metaphor after metaphor
Still, you wish someone will notice

How do I know?
Because when you look at me in the mirror
In your smile, I see sorrow
I see everything you didn't want to show

I wish you could let me out
Because you imprisoned me here
I wish to help you out
And try to cast out your fears

Let me out and I'll tell you you're not perfect
However, you are beautifully unique
They cannot always reciprocate, this you can expect
Because they don't have a heart like yours, so to speak

So set me free, the prisoner in your mirror
I fully understand you, I know this will bring you comfort
I have you see that you're an amazing creature
If no one loves you, that's what I'm here for

I've said goodbye at bus stops
In coffee shops, on planes.
In broken down hotel rooms
and in sudden summer rains.
I've said it without speaking
when I could not find the words.
In parking lots, at funerals
and to the song of birds.
When forced to without meaning it
I've even said it too,
but the hardest thing I'll ever do
is say goodbye to you.