When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Under a spotlight where everyone knew my name...
I was five.

Now, I want shadows and to be as far away as possible.
Hidden and far from consequence,
And even further from myself.
Where my name is not a name,
But just another word without any true meaning.

When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Now, I want to disappear.

I should have jumped overboard when I had the chance.

I used to hate the sunshine,
but I'm beginning to embrace it.
The way it warms my goosebumps,
and carries me through the day.

I used to hate the blue skies,
gray was so much calmer.
The color didn't seem so bad,
as I opened the blinds this morning.

I always hated compliments,
they seemed so disingenuous.
I find now a days I am waiting,
for someone to enjoy something I do.

I always tell people I'm good,
to avoid the conversations.
I'm okay with saying the truth now,
I'm fine.

I fell in love last night.

He was in my life, briefly, then he was gone.
but, he was in my dreams last night,
and he loved me too.

I fell in love with him inside me,
that was the hint.
He was the missing puzzle piece,
in that dream.

I want to see him again,
but he is, in real life, far away.

He is taken by someone,
more likely,
to deserve him.

I let them all get away,
the good ones.

I can't say whether its due to the setting,
being the wrong time or place, or
me.

Could it be me?
it could.

It probably is.
I fell in love last night,
and I will dwell on that until,

Further notice.

"You are special, you are a special girl."

"So I've been told."

"You’re special to me."

"Alright."

"I just want to cuddle you.
I can’t express myself enough. "

"I am not cuddly. Sorry, but not really."

"I can change that.
I’ll cuddle you until you are ready to cuddle."

"I doubt that. I only cuddle my dog, myself, and my family."
'And not you.'

"You don’t want to cuddle me?"

"It’s not that, I’m just not cuddly."
'I don’t want to cuddle you.'

"That’s okay you don’t have to."

my silence
'Get away from me. You are hot, and I am now sweating.
I am uncomfortable.'

I had to leave,
You were there.
You were with your friends,
You looked so thin and handsome,
Your jaw like a knife.

I know you have a happy life,
Things are good and you have someone.
You look happy.
I’m happy you are happy.

But I had to leave,
Because even if I am happy for you,
Seeing you wets my palette.

And I am dehydrated for you.

I do my homework,
with diligence.
Or so I say.

I started a blog,
I'm proud.

I can't spell very well,
and editing isn't my strong suit either.

I think all I have going for me,
is my personality.

Yikes...

Oh no,
look how long I've waited.

I am minutes,
hours,
days,
months,
away from being a person who must fend for herself.

I'm not ready,
emotionally or mentally.

I like wild wings in bed,
in my pajamas.
I like scraping up cash for *****,
that will make me drunk,
and do questionable things.
I love not caring what other adults think of me,
they have all been electrocuted of their personality anyway.

I like being able to fail knowing,
others do it too.

But not as an adult.
No more fails,
and no more bed wings.

No more me.