When I get high my songs all ****
I'm nervous for an audience that
doesn't even exist
But I feel like a million bucks
giggling like a school boy
interested by the dumbest ****
Trying to figure myself out
by staring in the mirror
then rearrange the interior
and pour water on my eyes
to try to see clearer

Tonight I hope to dream
of riding fog
out to the sea
where the waves will
greet me
swell up
accept me to the deep

Something is missing

I don't even have words
We crested a mountain
In down pours and
60 mph winds
now I'm home
Wrapped in clothes
and blankets
full of
memories

Wicked forms
dark as dark can be
in count of
one more than three
leave me
leave me
I've been haunted
enough

I'm a valley, green and fertile
but the floods are coming down
from the mountains that
rest at the top of my lungs
I can't get out of my skin
my own shadow is so hard to run from
The waters that start pouring down
remind me of when I was something to someone
That feeling, yeah
That feeling, yeah
it's what kept me breathing, yeah
now I steal from the silver screen
or make it up in my dreams
but sometimes I have to open my eyes
and see the lovely lady next to me
was just a pillow
and the warmth was all mine
cool it down with a forty and luke warm meal
What's the deal, what's the deal
I guess I hate to feel
this isn't even a poem just a storm of my emotion
just loathsome self pity
my words are ******
and my attitude is worse
I always think I'm dying
so throw me in a hearse
and forget about this verse
it's the pits
it's the ****
it's nothing worth remembering
just like me
just like me

been alone a lot lately
no new friends to keep me company
maybe when school starts
I'll open up and touch a few hearts
but right now it's just me,
my mind, and my body
which I'm working on every day
you know what they say
look good, feel good
burning calories like fire wood
sweating out toxins like
I know I should

My greatest worry is that
no one will ever love me
I try to tell myself that
it's over rated
Some where in my bones
I swear it's been fated
that I'll sleep alone on the couch
till the day my lungs give out

I clutch at every act of kindness
afraid they will see my spineless
self-conscious
I'm haunted by things that aren't dead
just floating in my head
I guess I've said
what I came to say
Now it's back to another day
of being just
O
K

I like 40's
you like 40's
we should drink 40's together
40's ounces of malt liquor
a couple sips and I be feeling better
once I got one down let's crack another
let's drink some 40's together

The barking dog, disappearing, driving,
ashes, Eddie, Jake,
divorce, holes in souls, constellations,
I don't know, I am Arturo Bandini,
I am the sweatshirt that hugged her arms,
Stolen sweatshirt, smokey sweatshirt,
apologies, broken necklace,
whatever

Bukowski gets me
ham on rye with a little bit
of wanting to be nothing
cheap wine in a trashed hotel
a permanent spell on my
self control
all this time I thought I loved me
but I'm sinking
everything I write is a repeat
**** my novel dreams
**** my poetic schemes
I think it's time to sleep
for about five years
so I can wake up with no fears
and disappear
like each season

hacking coughs rack my body
forcing sleep to evade me
just give me some loving company
please
please
please

I'm a wreck
I'm ******
I stare in the mirror wishing it was
a truck
I want the headlights
in my blue eyes
I want to sleep with her
in my arms tonight
******* it this *****
I'm friendless here
I'm drunk here
I'm faded and jaded
misplaced and disgraced
I want a fresh start
I want a new brain
With less thoughts and feelings
less staring at the ceiling
Lately all I can imagine is Eddie
and Ryan and Alyssa
she hung herself
Ryan ODed
Eddie in a car crash
Grandpa Jerry in surgery
Grandma Cherry in her sleep
Grandpa Con soon after Eddie's retreat
Come on Death, give me a break
or give me a grave
or give me another beer
so I can disappear

one of my roommates
is very similar to a mom
except he doesn't nag to help
he bags when things aren't his way
I gotta say
it annoys the **** out of me
like, he lives with two other people
it requires bending
compromising
learning
not constant complaining
or telling me how to do dishes
despite the fact that I never leave
dishes in the sink
(It's him and the other guy)
plus I worked in a restraunt
I've done a thousand dishes
and I do them better
ugh
I'm just hung over
and complaining
but ******* A
let me be

There's comfort in crashing
or so you said,
I've crashed and burned
and risen up again,
but I like rock bottom
just as much as floating on clouds,
being in the pits is easy
no reason to get out,
I've lost myself

Maybe if all soldiers
had to look their enemy in the eye
before they killed them
they wouldn't

i just want to write
pour out this feeling in my gut
I can't keep it stomached
but a good line
I can't seem to make up

I drove today, down black and yellow
snakes, houses lined the banks
of the concrete river the snake
slithered into,
children played and parents watched,
I was revving and gunning and lost,
not on the streets, in sheets that smelled like someone
far behind me, in eye water and lilacs,
or two lips,
Then I parked the car,
shut the door,
and fell to a puddle on my
bedroom floor,
I am great, I am hollow,
I am wretched, I am hollow,
Let me evaporate
Let me evaporate,
please,
Let me evaporate

on the cusp of being Vegas bound
with a car full of old friends, howling like hounds
yet somehow it hangs heavy on my heart
as if this is the last time that things will feel
almost like the used to back in highschool
and ever after the sounds of our laughter
will fade further and further
as we drift apart
like leaves resting
on water

Roused from sleep by the sound of sobbing,
I reached out for my sweet,
wondering over the wetness in her eyes.
Her cries filled the dark room
as she shook.
"His face, his face," she mutters into her hands.
That crook, that fiend,
that stain on society.
He is unconcerned, free, happy,
while she has terrors, anxiety.
I want to tell her that one day
he will get what's comin' to him,
that, inside, he knows he is ****,
that he will suffer in some way.
maybe today, maybe tomorrow,
maybe next year,

But then, my heart crumples in fear,
because there is no guarantee.
Instead I mumble.
"If we see him,
I will punch him in the face."
Violence with violence,
is there any other way?

Fine sand grains coat my toes
as pure, crystal waves break,
playful, ancient, against the shore.

The swaying plink of reggae guitar
bounces over the sand,
lulling a laze in my core
then emanates out across the beach,
past the break,
and out to sea.

Drift wood fences
protected the garden
complete with iron gate
and a little man
whose whole life is to wait.
The frame, sleeping against
the fence
has an empty mind
much like mine
kept safe with ivory fences
and organic gates
envious of the Waiter
who gets to stay here forever
and
                            wait...

It hangs from my shoulders,
not torturous, but not forgiving,
my camping chair groans
under our combined weight
in the evening,
quite the opposite of merriment
it is never fleeting
a constant cloak
partially soaked with choked words,
a strikingly dissonant chord
accompanied by a melody
"It's high time to hit the road again
it's high time you leave."

My heart is a watering can
with patched up holes.
There is rust around its edges
but it's full to the brim.
I've poured it out
over dry dirt;
nothing ever sprouted
save a few shoots that soon shriveled.
I refilled it each time, trying a new.
Finally, I've tipped it,
sprinkling over my love for you,
and to my deepest delight
a garden grew.

this last week
has me toasted and beat
sweatpants, same **** sweat shirt,
untied shoes on my feet
I dreaded every time I had go out
and cried with joy
each time I was back
in my
sheets

The wind howled after the divorce,
debris flew about in hordes
and I simply couldn't hold my myself in place.
Sure, I learned to navigate treacherous terrain
with sure-footed grace,
Everyone around weathered the winds
with the same style, same half smile,
all saying, "It will just be just a little longer."
Years after I'd given up, become numb to the rain,
you walked by with an umbrella,
on your way somewhere, seeking more permanent shelter.
You stopped and offered for me to join you
under the umbrella's cover,
even though it was a tight squeeze for two.
Gentle, powerful, miniscule, monumentous,
I love you.

A rocky, wavy buffet
served out on the water today.
Waiting on the whales,
but their hiding,
or sleeping,
or swimming away.
In the misty distance waits Diamond Head,
looking out on us,
unassuming.
Take a dive
in the Hawaii ocean.

I should see a foot doctor.
My knees ache,
and it ain't like I've been
standing up for myself too much
or sitting down too long.
But they sing their song of pain
again, and again, and again.

I don't pen anything anymore,
maybe a jot there or a line here,
so am I a writer?
How long does it take a "while"
to become a "used to"?
I'm no Du Fu.
I'm no Li Bai.
I should say goodbye,
smile and wave as writing
passes me by.

Numb nostrils,
jittery tongues,
swarming the cutting board.
Sharks, whose blood lust
shot off the charts
with the sight of one little baggie,
gnash their teeth
"Pour it out! Line it up!"
"Here's yours!"
"I can't feel my teeth!"
all caught on the reef
thrashing for another dose.
Who am I to judge with this
white gold
in my nose.

It's all about that
                                                                ­               Whump!
It shakes the chest so
hard you can't catch your
                                                            ­                    Whump!
breath
Yup, that's it I flew the nest
                                                            ­                    Whump!
Making my own plans but
I can't pull away from that
                                                            ­                    Whump!
I'm an alien on a spaceship
charging up that engine
                                                          ­                      Whump!
Steering straight toward that sound like
                                                            ­                    Whump!
I hunger for that sub noise
rumbling, I'm addicted to that
                                                            ­                     Whump!