she leaned on my shoulder once and in that
moment i knew we loved each other more
than those around us could perceive.  but that
is often the way it should be.  i think

i gave her that hoodie in an attempt
to hug her even when i'm not there. and
although i fear the world may be too cold,
i will not stop trying to keep her warm.

it's ridiculous that we say "bless you" when you sneeze and not when you cough.  i'm pretty sure coughing is a sign of a much more grave illness.  when is the last time someone died from sneezing?  (june 24th, 2006 -- anthony dean rice)  it's ridiculous that dock ellis pitched his one and only career no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.  i wonder how often he dosed before games.  it's ridiculous that being hit by my father has turned me into more of a pacifist than i ever thought possible.  it's ridiculous how much someone can love a man that made him or her feel more physical pain than anyone ever has.  it's ridiculous that being family allows you this nearly unconditional love.  it's ridiculous that my goal has been to love everyone unconditionally.  it's ridiculous how hard this truly is.  it's ridiculous that people cite the holy bible as evidence for why homosexuality is "unnatural" and yet fail to recall that eating shellfish is an abomination.  it's ridiculous that anyone can be against the marriage of two loving people of the same gender while having no problem with laws that allow marriage between a convicted child molester and a person who cheated on his or her first three spouses.  it's ridiculous that i even have to point that out.  it's ridiculous that michael phelps lost more endorsements after being photographed smoking marijuana than he did after pleading guilty to driving while impaired.  it's ridiculous that driving drunk, hopping a curb, and hitting a mother walking home can earn you 20 years in prison while driving drunk, hopping a curb, and hitting a mailbox will only earn you 2 days in jail, 3 years probation, and a fine.  the only difference is one person had better luck -- both were still driving while intoxicated.  it's ridiculous that i was born into such a loving family.  why do i deserve such favorable moral luck?  it's ridiculous that people don't seem to understand that borders on a map are just lines...not  lines indicating some moral difference; not lines indicating you are worth more than the person in the country across the globe; not lines indicating that we matter and they don't...they're just lines.  it's ridiculous that i walk around with my eyes closed for no apparent reason.  it's ridiculous that i fell and got a concussion while trying to jump over a sign.  it's ridiculous that this hasn't stopped me from continuing to jump over almost anything in my path.  it's ridiculous that i was so confused after hitting my head that i cried and had to sit still and wait for my friends to find me because i didn't know what day it was or where i was.  it's ridiculous that the last time i cried out of confusion was when i was four and the elevator doors closed before my mom realized that i hadn't followed her out of the elevator.  it's ridiculous that i can fall in love with your smell...even when you haven't showered for a few days.  it's ridiculous that i feel a strange sensation in my right hand when i am exposed to a beauty i know i can't have.  it's ridiculous that i feel that when i am around you.  it's ridiculous that you are so beautiful it makes my heart feel like it just might explode.  it's ridiculous that i have no doubt that giving you everything would be the best decision i ever made.  it's an easy gamble to make because i know you would give me more than i ever started with.  it's ridiculous that you move my heart more than anyone ever has.  it's ridiculous that you become infused into every aspect of my life.  it's ridiculous that this began as a letter to anyone and turned into a letter to only one.  it's ridiculous that some people reading this still think i am listing things worthy of ridicule.  perhaps these things are all still absurd...but i have stopped laughing.  it's ridiculous that even with a broken heart, i will never stop loving people.  it's ridiculous that anyone would even think i could.

when I was five, my parents gave me a book about a rainbow fish instead of the princess one I wanted. waterworks began.

when I was six, I checked out a book from the school library about the tooth fairy. I read it over and over again because I was too nervous to return it.

when I was seven, I started taking dance lessons. my teacher had bright blonde hair that she always kept in a ponytail. I wanted to be exactly like her.

when I was eight, I learned how to write in cursive. I made a point of showing my teacher how the lowercase 's' looked like a Hershey's Kiss.

when I was nine, I wrote an essay for school about a cat. my teacher told me I didn't have to revise like the other kids because I had already written it so well. I was ecstatic.

when I was ten, my best friend moved away and I cut my hair short. it was the first time I had to learn how to start over.

when I was eleven, I argued myself to tears on the playground, thus discovering passion.

when I was twelve, I almost tripped down the stairs after school every day because I refused to put my book down.

when I was thirteen, I made my way into a group of friends that had hearts of gold and eyes of steel. we felt invincible.

when I was fourteen, I watched as by best friend silently collapsed into a heap of tiny, broken pieces. I learned that the nicest people can be incredibly hard headed.

now I'm fifteen. I don't know everything, but I do understand that life never goes as planned. I understand that we are wonderfully accustomed to adapting to unprecedented circumstances. I understand that picking yourself up off the bathroom floor time and time again takes strength and resilience. I understand that you're good at being you, and that is always a compliment.

The first time I saw you it was in math class.
I didn't notice anything about you at first I just memorized the back of how your head was.
After all, I had an hour to ****.
The second time I saw you were in English class.
You sat next to me but not by choice.
But I was happy about it.
It took me about four to five weeks to talk to you,
and I wasn't even the one to speak first.
You introduced yourself and then we worked together on an assignment.
It's been two weeks and I haven't said another word and I probably won't out of random.
My anxiety swallows me whole
and I'm sorry I can't even say hello.
But I have had time to notice you.
And let me just say
I'm in love with your taste in music
I'm in love with the way you hold your books
thinking that if you change the sound of your voice when the diagonal changes,
or if you struggle reading words you've never seen before and sit there for a few seconds trying to piece together what they mean.
I love how you can play the mandolin, you should show me sometime.
As I think about these things I also pick up how you would never even think of me.
I mean really,
you probably want some girl that's outgoing and can strum a guitar solo at midnight with you.
You probably want someone with long hair you can intertwine your fingers in,
or someone you can spend an afternoon together after church with.
I can't move mountains
and I can't even speak without looking like a fool,
but even if nothing will ever happen
It would be just as quite exciting being friends with you.
We could trade books and make each other mixtapes.
It hasn't even been a month yet and I'm already writing mediocre poetry about you.
I'm sorry about that by the way.
I'm not asking for a relationship but a friendship with someone like you would feel just the same.

I wanna sit down and have a coke with you,
Oh there's so much I could say
I don't like coffee or coke but I'll drink then anyway
I'm gonna lay my cards out on this table
And hope you won't walk away
I'm not going to try and be her, that's not what I'm about
I'm sure many people have been in this rocking boat, wishing they're good enough
So here it goes:
I'm a little strange (but you knew that one anyway)
I lose interest far too fast but only someone like you could make it last
I pick people who would never think of me that way simply because I like the chase
And when I saw you, well I could give you any number of cliches
I don't like Oreos or pizza very much
And sometimes I feel so out of touch
I would struggle to tell you a Jay-Z song, but could talk about Lewis Watson all night long
I'm not very good at art and I see all these pictures of couples and just feel so inadequate because I'm not graceful or elegant and I certainly don't look good in just anything, and my clothes will never be 'oh this old thing'
I don't dress like everybody else and I have to wear shoes with chunky soles to give me some height
Oh and I've seen Justin Bieber, twice
I have this mental family you see, and I'm really lucky to be as sane as I am, I had it hard growing up, parents weren't there and when they finally were it's because they had another child. My Dad's first boy and my Mum's baby, so it was pretty hard growing up.
My babysitter fed me till I has chubby and round and it's been a long time losing all that baby fat
I finally feel comfortable in who I am, even though I struggle to get organised and am not the most well-rounded pupil in my school, achieving 4 As while being part of the debating, rugby, maths and French teams
I didn't know what existentionalism was until a smart guy in my English class told me,  but I'm not ashamed
Because I like who I am.
There are a lot of nice things, too
I am thoughtful and will do little things to make you happy
I have eyes that go golden and freckles on my face
My ***** are a comfortable resting place
I would never let you down and I love with all my soul
I'm spontaneous and like to do fun things and just drive to the other side of the country for the day, or fly to Italy
I'd never run out of ideas of new things we could do, or places we could go
But just like Ed, I'd be equally happy just to stay on the sofa with you
I have lots of interesting stories from things that happened in my day
And I give good kisses and hugs
And I know, dressed up, I could blow you away
I know this isn't much of a love poem, really, but it's been hard to let go of what has come before, and not to make comparisons. But you're the first person that's stolen my breath away and turned it into the evening zephyr.
Usually my words are poetic and metaphorical, but I told you I'd lay it all down. And whilst these are words I would never (could never) say, I hope they find their way to you, anyway.
Very sincerely yours.

Then
Why didn’t you
Just
Tell me

The Truth

Straight

I'm holding water
Salty water
and
Its spilling out my hands

United we stand
divided we fall

I guess we're all falling
not together
but
at the same time

No matter how hard
you try to make things better
to cheer everyone on
solve issues
fake happiness

It doesn't work if I can
see through that
mask of smiles

To make someone else happy
you have to first
make yourself happy

because genuine happiness
warmth
and
love

can only be translated
and spread
If it comes from deep down
and
its
*real

Oh great
Now I can multitask
Playing the piano and rethinking
All my stupid actions

Oh how great
Daydreaming even while playing piano
Simply marvellous
What a handy talent right?

Who doesn't want it
You get to practice
And set the background music
While you replay your nostalgic film
Of how dumb your words have been
How insensitive they were
How over the top you have been

A lovely talent
For a lovely mind